Surviving Love (Surviving #2) (8 page)

“My eyes are up here,” he said, smiling. A full dimple smile.

“I prefer what I was looking at.” I sulked.

He laughed, tugging playfully at my chin.

“What’s wrong, grumpy? Why’d you leave?” His thumb was playing havoc with my concentration as it rubbed along my jaw.

“I...clearly, I was interrupting.” God, I sounded out of breath.

“No you weren’t, we’d finished.” I closed my eyes and tried to rid myself of the horrid image.

“Don’t say that,” I whispered. My voice cracked and I felt even more annoyed at myself for being such a fool. The bastard laughed.
Laughed!

“Come on, I’ll show you what we’ve been up to.” He pulled away from me and I felt adrift without his heat. Then it registered what he’d said and I snapped my eyes open and glared at him.

“Are you kidding?” I growled.

“Nope, come on.” He tugged my hand and dragged me up the driveway towards the house. Blonde goddess had disappeared, probably to go restock on rubbers.

“Johan, seriously I am not interested in seeing...
that.
I don’t need a play-by-play of your debauched sex life.”

He laughed again.

The front door was already open and I was instantly assaulted by the smell of paint. Still holding my hand he pulled me towards him and stood in the doorway of the lounge. I looked inside and saw he’d decorated it. We had new furniture, a dark chocolate leather chair, and a three seater sofa.  He’d wallpapered one wall with a large floral, brown and gold leaf pattern. The other walls were a light mocha colour. The overall effect was warm and homey. I turned to look at him. He was already watching me look around the room. Gauging my reaction.

“How...”

“Emily has been helping me decorate. No sex, no debauchery, just painting,” he said softly.

My mouth gaped open like a stunned goldfish.

“Come on.” He tugged me toward the kitchen and that’s when I noticed he had replaced the hallway carpet. It had been a neutral cream, now it was a rich brown. I couldn't wait to get my bare feet and toes stuck into that.

We walked into the kitchen.

“I haven’t done much in here, just painted the walls, I thought maybe when Eve gets home we could discuss a new kitchen? I kept to the same colour seeing as Eve said you’d painted it when you moved in. So I found the can in the shed and just—” He stopped rambling and gave me a sheepish smile. “Is it okay?”

I nodded because I really hadn’t expected this.

“Come on.” He grabbed my hand again and started walking up the stairs.

“Johan?”

“I...okay, don’t be pissed but I didn’t paint your rooms but I did decorate mine. I thought it maybe needed a little...tweaking, but I’m nervous to show you.” 

“I’m sure it’s fine,” I said quietly.

“Well, come see just in case.” He tugged on my arm again. I let out a huff because I wanted to go see the lounge again.

We stood outside his room and suddenly he seemed
extremely
nervous.

“If you don’t like it I can change it back I swear. I know I took huge liberties but I just wanted—”

“Johan, it’s
your
room. Decorate it how you like.” It was adorable how flustered he was, but honestly I didn’t see the big deal.

“Okay,” he said then cleared his throat. He opened the door and I nearly collapsed.

“You can change anything, I’ve kept the receipts,” he added hurriedly.

I stepped into the room and covered my mouth with my hands, tears sprang to my eyes and I was unable to stop them
as they rolled down my cheeks.

“Oh shit, I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry,” he said dejectedly.

“Oh my God,” I cried. I turned and buried my face in his neck and clung to him.

“I swear, I can take it all back,” he whispered. I shook my head, unable to speak. I sniffled and cried into his neck while he held me. He ran his hands up and down my back soothingly. When I felt composed enough I lifted my swollen pathetic face and looked into the most handsome, beautiful face I had ever seen.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

He looked down at me, uncertainty marring his features. “You sure?”

“It’s perfect.” I turned in his arms and looked at the gorgeous nursery he had created.

“The elephant dude is called
Humphrey.
The woman at the store said it was a popular nursery theme and neutral. Think she gave me the sales spiel because it was the most expensive too. But I gotta admit it’s kind of cute,” he said.

I smiled as I gazed around. He had put a sleigh design cot in the corner with bedding to match the curtains; it was a dark beige and pale cream with the cutest little elephant on holding a blanket. The bumper around the head of the cot matched. There was a cot mobile also with the little elephant and some other little characters that were equally cute. There was a changing table he had filled with stuff I clearly wasn’t going to need just yet. The walls were a soft latte colour, to match the bedding. He had also bought a matching light fitting to go with the covers. An adorable wardrobe to match the cot stood behind the door. It was like a showroom nursery; I couldn't quite believe I was in my house.

“Are you sure it’s okay?” he asked quietly. I was about to answer when I saw a framed photo on the window sill. I walked over to it and picked it up. It had four cut outs for photos. Three of those were filled. There was the scan picture, a photo of Eve and I cuddling and laughing at the camera and one of Mum, Dad, and Ellie.

“I thought you could...I don’t know, put a photo of you and the baby or one of you and... Darren in it.”

I shook my head. “I want one of you in here.” I sucked in a breath when more tears threatened to spill down my face. I turned to look at him and smiled. “This is a family photo frame, you are my baby’s family now.” I hoped he understood how much his support meant to me. In that moment I realised we needed each other equally. I was his crutch and he had definitely been mine. Without him I don’t think I would have survived the past few weeks.

He returned a watery smile but didn’t say anything. His eyes glistened a wonderful sky blue.

I lifted my gaze to look around the room again. “It’s perfect Johan, so perfect. Thank you.”

Startled by his whispered voice right next to my ear, I froze. “This is what I’ve been doing, Emily was just helping out. I wouldn’t do that, I...” His hands rested on my hips and he gently pressed his forehead to the back of my neck. “There is only one person I could consider letting in like that, and she...she doesn’t want me that way,” he whispered. My body stiffened from a conflict of emotions. I truly wanted to believe he meant me. He noticed my posture and released me, stepping back.

“Sorry, that was out of line...I didn’t, I mean this isn’t for that. I wouldn’t assume. I just wanted to do something nice, I don’t expect....” He ran his hands through his hair again, and again my attention zoned in on his toned flesh.

“What are you talking about?”

“You and me, I didn’t do this hoping that we...I wanted to thank you for letting me be at the scan that’s all. I know you’re with Darren and I’d never...just now I didn’t, I shouldn’t have said that,” he stammered.

I frowned and then
bam,
straight to the solar plexus it hit me. “You want
me
?” I screeched and pointed to my chest to clarify he was indeed saying he wanted the frumpy pregnant sister in the corner. Dreaming and wanting something to be true is totally different to being slapped in the face with it.

“Oh God.” He closed his eyes and threw his head back. “Look forget I said anything, I...we were caught in a moment and I say fucked up shit obviously when...when...” He waved his arm about as if that explained everything. I shook my head and his cheeks reddened. “Forget it,” he blurted and ran from the room. I placed the photo down and ran after him. He was already at the bottom of the stairs tugging on a jumper.

“Wait,” I shouted.

“No, look, I was a douche and shouldn’t have said that shit, it’s—”

I threw myself at him and pressed my lips firmly against his. There was a moment of hesitation from him before his arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me flush to his body. I slid my hands around his neck and pulled him down to me. I was hungry for him, frantic and needy. The kiss wasn’t elegant or pretty, it was messy and desperate. He growled and in one manoeuvre I was pressed against the wall. He attacked and I submitted to his demand, his tongue delving into my mouth with a lack of finesse ramping up my desire for him. It revved my engine more than I could honestly admit, more than had ever happened before.

“No! No! We can’t...” He tugged at my arms and wrenched himself away from me as if I’d just burned him. He stood with his back to the wall opposite me, we both stared at one another panting.

“Johan—”

“No! We...we are not about
that.”
He ran his hands through his hair and tugged harshly. “I’m not, I can’t be with you like that, Lou. I don’t want—”

My chest did that horrible squeezy thing I had come to recognise happened so much with him.

“Okay, I get it,” I snapped.

“No you don’t. God!” He bent at the waist resting his hands on his knees. I stiffened at his tone.

“Johan, it...it’s not a big deal. I’m sorry...” Was I that bad to kiss? He was acting like this was the worst thing in the world, he actually looked as if he was in pain.

“Don’t you see, it is a big deal. It’s such a big fucking deal, Lou.” His voice sounded so dejected I wanted to cry.

“Look.” I cleared my throat when my voice came out croaky. “I was overwhelmed by what you did upstairs, it’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me, and I got carried away.” The dark look that crept into his eyes made me want to step back but the wall prevented it.

“I said I didn’t want anything in return. I didn’t do it for payment in
kind,
” he growled. Oh okay, that shit isn’t happening. My crushed feelings turned to anger in an instant.

“And I’m not a fucking prostitute. I didn’t kiss you
as payment
, I kissed you because...because. Oh forget it. I’m going to see my sister.” I turned and walked towards the door.

“Lou—” He grabbed my arm but paused when he saw the thunder in my eyes.

“Let. Go.”

He immediately released me, and I almost melted at the stricken expression on his face, but I was too pissed to stay. Things would get ugly, or even more ugly than they already were. I opened the door and slammed it behind me.

Hide and Fear Me

Chase Dermont Junior III

8 Years Old

Boston Massachusetts

“Hey, little buddy.” I smiled when I heard his voice. I crawled out from under the bed and shuffled along the floor to peek over the balcony. Looking up at me with a huge smile was Ryan. He held up a bag and a wrapped parcel in shiny paper.

“I remember it’s someone’s eighth birthday today.” He tapped his chin and looked to the side as if thinking.

“Who?” I asked.

Ryan glanced at me quickly and a strange expression crossed his face. I crept back a little because that’s his angry face. I used to see that a lot before he was my friend.

“Yours, Jo,” he said before he muttered a cuss word then smiled at me. “My little buddy is growing up. You’re nearly a man now.”

“It’s
my
birthday?” I asked, staring at the neatly wrapped parcel. Will came from under the balcony and twisted his neck to look up at me.

“Hey little guy, we have cake. And I have another present here for you. But you gotta come down.” I liked Will but I still didn’t like to go to the lower floor when he was there. I liked it when it was just me and Ryan. I looked at Ryan.

“He won’t touch you, I swear,” Ryan said, nodding towards Will.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and pushed myself against the bed away from the edge of the balcony. I hugged my knees and thought about it. I wanted the present, I hadn’t had any gifts in a long time. I remember Ryan getting me something last year but Grandpa Chase threw it into the lake.

Footsteps thumped up the wooden steps and I crawled back under the bed.

“Jo, buddy listen, Will didn’t know you didn’t like to be touched. He swears he won’t do it again. He was only trying to...to comfort you because you were scared. It’s not like those sick fuckers who...it’s not like that, okay? Will is a good guy. He’s going to protect you. If he hugs you it’s the same as when I do it, not like...it’s just not like that other stuff, okay?” Ryan sat beside the bed. I could see his back leaning against the side. “I wouldn’t leave you with him if I thought he would hurt you. You trust me, don’t you?”

A tear rolled down my face, I hated disappointing Ryan, but Grandpa said that all the time, he promised he wouldn’t hurt me. But he did and he let other men hurt me too, and I hated being touched. It hurt when people touched you. I preferred the dark hiding place, nothing could hurt me there.

“Listen, the sheriff’s department is looking for you. They don’t believe you drowned. Dad had the lake dredged, the fucking bastard. He’s trying to pin it on me, but I was with the Dean when you disappeared. So he’s got dick to go on. The boys were at school and Mom said she saw you go down to the lake alone. Will lied too, he said he hasn’t seen you.” He took a deep breath. “So you see, bud, he’s helping us keep you safe. He’s lied to his parents and the police. Which reminds me, his parents have been
out of town but they’re coming home this weekend and I need you to trust Will to take care of you because I can’t be seen here so much.” He was quiet for a while, I think so I could take in what he was saying. I shuffled towards him. I touched the back of his shirt to let him know I was there with him. He twisted towards me and laid down on the floor to look under the bed. “I promise he won’t hurt you.”

I nodded.

“We can trust him. I swear.”

I slid across the floor and wrapped my arms around Ryan’s neck. He hugged me back and we laid side by side on the wooden floor.

“I trust you,” I whispered.

***

Will visited me every day, he brought me food and soda. I liked what he brought me. Some days he would stay and play games with me. And my favourite times were when it was dark and his parents were away he would bring me some shorts and we would go swimming in his large outdoor pool. I couldn’t swim too good but he bought me some water wings. I let him help me get dried, he was nice because he would only touch me if I asked for help. I looked forward to him coming to see me.

“Hey Jo.” I heard him shout from downstairs. I stayed under the bed when he wasn’t here, unless I needed the bathroom.

I shuffled from under the bed and crawled towards the balcony.

“Hey buddy!” he shouted. “I brought someone to see you.”

Panic hit me and I slid back under the bed. I had heard those words many times before and I hated meeting new men. I didn’t like people, I hated when Grandpa made me meet other people. Footsteps thumped on the wooded stairs; Will never came up the stairs, we had a rule.
Ryan
made the rule he wasn’t allowed up here. He had to wait for me to come down to him.

I hugged my knees tightly and curled into a ball. I tried to make myself invisible, I didn’t want to be found. I started shaking and dread hit me hard. Ryan
promised
me. Tears rolled down my face. I couldn't breathe I was so tightly curled up and my chest hurt with how hard my heart was beating.

“I have fries, double cheese burger, and a soda pop for my little buddy.” Ryan’s voice echoed in my ears and I hated when my dreams seemed real.

He peeked under the bed smiling, but it disappeared in a flash. He reached under the bed and grabbed at my ankle to pull me out. I whimpered but he was too strong to stop.

“Jo?
Fuck
, little buddy, we didn’t mean to scare you. I came home early for spring break.” He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. “It’s just me, buddy, just me,” Ryan whispered, rocking me in his lap.

The shirt smelt familiar and his voice sounded too real to be a dream. I lifted my head and stared into eyes the same as mine.

“Ryan?” I whispered and lifted my hand to touch his face.

“Yeah bud, it’s me.” He had tears in his eyes and I hated I’d made him sad. I let out a long breath and my head felt all dizzy and funny.

I smiled and hugged him tightly.

“We eating these burgers or what? I’m starving,” shouted Will from downstairs.

“Just a sec,” called Ryan. “You okay, buddy? I really didn’t mean to scare you. We thought we would surprise you.”

I touched his face again to make sure he was real. He laughed and my body shook against his.

“Come on, before Will eats it all.”

He lifted me into his arms and carried me down the stairs. Will stood at the counter stuffing half a burger into his mouth. “Sup?”

Ryan shook his head. “I should have realised and let you warn him.”

Will stopped chewing and stared at us. “Fuck yeah. Next time okay?”

Ryan nodded.

I felt sad I had spoiled their surprise, tears tickled my eyes and I wiped at my face angrily.

“Hey Ry, has our little guy here told you he can swim?”

“What?” Ryan snapped. Will nodded his head towards me and gave Ryan an odd look.

“Oh...oh right. Really? Little buddy, you can swim?” Ryan said, smiling down at me.

“A little bit.”

“A little...you kidding me, Jo? You’re like a little fish,” Will said, laughing. I smiled because he was so happy. Ryan sat on a stool and held me on his lap.

“Aaaaand!” Will said, jogging over to the cupboards. “I got you a little surprise.” He turned around holding a frosted cupcake with a candle in it. He sang happy birthday to me and I blew out the candle. “It’s your favourite, peanut butter frosting.”

“Since when do you have a favourite cupcake?” Ryan asked, looking down at me. He knew I wasn’t allowed treats at my grandparents’.

“Will,” I said, pointing towards him.

“We have movie night on Tuesdays. I bring the donuts, cupcakes, and popcorn and this little guy picks the movie.” Will reached over but stopped suddenly and pulled his hand back.

“You—”

“He always brings different flavour ones, I like the peanut butter and the cookies and cream one.” I leaned into Ryan and whispered, “Will likes the pink one.” I giggled.

“Hey, you said you wouldn’t tell no one.”

I laughed and put my hand over my mouth.

“Thanks, Will,” Ryan said in a very serious voice. Will’s cheeks went a little bit pink.

I liked Ryan and Will, they were my friends, not special friends, just friends. The kind that don’t hurt you.