Survivor: 1 (29 page)

Brad paused, listening. The shower wasn't on full-blast.
He could hear Lisa sobbing quietly, as if she were trying
to hide it. Brad's heart sank at the sound of it. She really
wasn't doing so well, and he couldn't blame her. There
wasn't a day that passed when she didn't mention Alicia
and her infant daughter and how guilty she felt. For the
first few days of Lisa's return home she had been quiet
about it, holding it in. Then, when she'd begun to break
down suddenly and without warning, Brad thought she was reacting to the ordeal she had been through-and
what he still thought was her reaction to what she had
originally told him and the investigating officers. Now that
the truth had come out, he was realizing what a terrible
burden she had placed upon herself. Holding all that
guilt in for over two weeks, agonizing over it every day,
thinking about it over and over.

Lisa's crying cut through the din of his thoughts. He
wanted to go in and comfort her, but at the same time
he felt incredibly awkward. Two nights ago, when she
had broken down and confessed to what had really
happened, he had been frightened by her state of
mind. He had never seen her-or anybody-so depressed. I killed them, Lisa had cried. I killed them, f
killed them! Those words packed such a powerful accusation that it was hard to argue with them. Oh, he knew
she hadn't really killed them, hadn't really slashed them
to death with a knife or pointed a gun at them and
pulled the trigger. But from a subjective point of view
he knew Lisa was blaming herself for the murders of
Alicia and her daughter, as well as Debbie Martinez. He
suspected she was really berating herself over the murder of the baby. Because let's face it, he thought. She
dangled that baby up as bait. And they went for it. Oh,
they still tried to back out on the deal and Lisa was lucky
enough to get away. But she hadn't been lucky enough
to save Alicia and her daughter. And now she's beating
herself up over it.

When Brad had first heard the truth, he didn't know
how to react. He'd been shocked. Then a strange numbness had set in. He began looking at Lisa in a different
light, seeing her through new eyes. Thinking about what
she'd done was making him question who she really
was.

And one of the foremost questions was, l can't believe
Lisa would stoop so lucking low!

Followed closely by Don't think that about her! She's
your wife! What would you have done?

Brad didn't know the answer to that question. It was a
question he thought of often.

He had no idea what he would have done.

Brad approached the door to the bathroom, hesitating.
He could hear Lisa crying in the shower. "Lisa " he said,
softly, knocking on the door before he opened it. "Lisa?"

Lisa didn't answer. All she did was cry.

"Lisa." Brad stepped into the bathroom and approached the shower. The curtain was drawn, but he
could make her out behind it, standing under the spray
of water, probably hugging her arms to her sides, head
down, sobbing.

"Hey, do you want to talk?" Brad stepped up to the
shower.

"No" She hitched back a sob, her voice a hiccup. "No,
I'm okay, I'm just ...

"Just ... what?"

She didn't answer him. She cried, her sobs loud and so
ferocious that for a moment she couldn't answer. Brad
waited outside the shower until Lisa calmed down somewhat. "Lisa?"

"`] hat?.

Brad hesitated a moment, wondering what to say. He
had never seen her so depressed. "Lisa, let's talk.'

'I don't want to talk, I just want to die!" More sobbing.

*Usa," Brad said, doing his best to remain strong, but
inside he was breaking down. He felt so alone and so
scared for Lisa and her sanity. For the first time he felt
weak, unable to do anything to make it all better. "Lisa,
don't say that"

"It's true," Lisa sobbed. Brad opened the shower curtain so he could see her. She was standing with her back
to the spray. She looked up at him with haunted eyes, her
face puffy and red. "I just want to die. If I could kill myself
now, I'd do it. I can never forgive myself for what I did."

"Lisa .. " Brad made an awkward attempt at taking her
in his arms. Lisa shuffled back.

"No, don't touch me!" she cried. "Just don't touch me!
Leave me alone! I'm a murderer! I'm a monster, and I
just ...Ijust...

"Lisa ... Brad felt helpless, unable to offer a word or
gesture of support. It felt like he was watching her drown
in a rough sea that he couldn't calm.

"You don't understand what it's like," Lisa said, sobbing
so uncontrollably that it was sometimes hard for Brad to
understand her. "You just ... don't understand how I
feel ... to know that I ... I ... I helped them kill this
poor innocent baby. I led them to her ... I ... I ... fed
her to that ... that ... monster!" She broke down completely. "I fed a defenseless baby to a man who killed her!
I just can't help thinking what ... what ... what she probably went through ... how they ... how they..." Lisa
couldn't finish; she broke down sobbing.

Brad wasn't even aware that he was crying, too. Lisa's
accusatory tone toward herself was like having a spike
penetrate his guts. "Lisa, please," Brad said. He reached
out and tried to grasp her arm. She didn't resist this time.
He gripped her upper arm gently. "Please come out and
let's talk."

"I'm stupid!" And then Lisa drove a fist into the center
of her forehead so suddenly and so ferociously that it
caught Brad by surprise. The blow rocked her head back.
"I'm stupid, stupid, stupid!" Each stupid was punctuated
by another blow to her forehead, right above the bridge
of her nose.

Brad grabbed her arm before she could hit herself
again. "Lisa, stop it!"

"Let go of me!" She struggled to free her arm from his
grip.

"Not until you stop hurting yourself!"

Lisa went limp and sank to the floor of the bathtub,
crying. Brad turned off the shower, then knelt down beside her, trying hard to keep his own emotions under
control. He held her clumsily while she sobbed into his
chest.

Brad sniffed back his own tears. His throat burned. He
felt a heaviness in his chest. Hearing her say that she
wanted to die, watching as she hit herself, hurt him in
ways he never would have imagined.

They remained that way for a while, Lisa huddled on
the floor, crying, Brad holding her awkwardly. Her tears
slowed to a trickle, and when they did she was able to
talk a little more coherently. "You don't know how much
it hurts," she said, still averting her gaze from him, keeping her face pressed against his chest. You just don't
know ... as a woman ... putting myself in Alicia's
shoes ... as a mother .: "

"I know," Brad whispered.

... it just hurts to know what happened to them. And
to know that I helped make it happen. That if it wasn't for
my own ... greed, that-"

Something burst inside Brad. "Greed had nothing to do
with it, Lisa, it was survival.'

"How can you say that?" She pulled back from him,
her features anguished.

'You were acting on instinct,' Brad said quickly, hoping what he said would calm her down and help her see
the error in her way of thinking. "You were pregnant yourself, Lisa. You were acting on ... I don't know, a maternal
instinct. Your number-one concern was protecting your self so you could save our baby. You didn't know what
you were saying when you-"

"But our baby died!" Lisa screamed, sobbing again.

"Yes, our baby died." Brad grasped Lisa's shoulders,
forcing her to look at him. "But there's nothing we can do
about that now. It's not your fault our baby died, and it's
not your fault that these men killed Alicia and her baby.
They killed them, Lisa, not you. They did it!"

But I led them to Alicia and Mandy! I traded my life for
theirs. And that makes me just as much of a monster
as ... as. . ."Lisa couldn't continue. She started sobbing
again.

It broke Brad's heart to hear the guilt in Lisa's voice.
Lisa was his life, his rock. He loved her more than anything in the world and had been so happy when she was
found safe. When she had told him what had really happened, he still felt the same way. He'd been shocked, yes;
disgusted by what these men had done and the activities
they participated in. He still had uneasy feelings about
what Lisa had done. He'd been horrified at the
consequences-he wouldn't be human if he hadn't been.
But he didn't hate her. He loved her and he wanted to
protect her, and more than ever now he wanted to find
the men responsible for what had happened and kill
them.

Lisa leaned into him again, totally broken in mind and
spirit, Brad held her, whispering to her, trying to soothe
her as best he could but knowing that anything he said
was falling on deaf ears. He felt dead inside. Part of him
wanted to break down and cry, too, but he couldn't. It
was as if his body wouldn't let him, as if it had turned that
part of himself off so he could be strong for Lisa and support her, be her rock for her to lean on.

I'm so tired," Lisa said after her sobs trickled down.
'I'm just so tired .. "

"Come on," Brad said. He helped Lisa to her feet and
out of the shower. For the first time since yesterday, she
looked awful. Her skin was white and pale. She was
trembling, and Brad draped a towel over her shoulders.
*Let's get you in and lie down. Maybe some food will-"

Lisa had been looking ahead with a fixed stare, her
pupils dilated, fixed on nothing. Suddenly, she turned a
whiter shade of pale, put a hand to her mouth, and
bolted back into the bathroom and fell in front of the toilet. Brad turned away at the sound of her retching. God,
he hated it when people threw up. He closed his eyes
and took a deep breath, trying to drown out the sounds
of Lisa throwing up, trying to summon the courage to be
there for her. He made his way into the bathroom and
knelt down beside her as she gagged and retched into
the toilet. She hadn't thrown up much, just bile. A thin
line of saliva drooled out of her mouth. She wiped it
away with the back of her hand, gasping for breath. "1'm
sorry," she said.

"It's okay."

"1 don't think I can eat anything."

"That's okay. You don't have to."

Lisa sat up, trying to catch her breath. She closed her
eyes. It looked like she was fighting off another wave of
nausea. "1 don't think I'm going to be able to handle the
smell of food, either," she said hoarsely. "Do you think
you can send the room-service stuff away?"

"Yes," Brad said. "I'll send it away."

l'hanks " Then she turned over and retched into the
toilet again and Brad felt his own stomach churn at the
sound. He waited by Lisa, patting her shoulder while
she dry heaved, and then he helped her into the bedroom, where he eased her into bed and pulled the covers over her.

When room service knocked on the door, Brad hus tied outside quickly and dosed the door. "Listen," he
said, slipping the room-service attendant a ten-dollar bill.
"My wife suddenly got sick and I'm going to have to send
this away. I'm sorry"

"No problem, sir." The bellhop was young, with a
blond crew cut.

The door to the room opposite theirs opened and
a huge black man with a shaved head peered out.
He caught Brad's eye and nodded. Brad caught a brief
glimpse of John Panozzo, the guy who had picked him
and Lisa up last night, just beyond the door, and he nodded back. Security. The door dosed, and Brad stepped
into the room and dosed his own door to the world of
the Luxor.

Lisa was still huddled in bed. She had stopped crying,
and she lay with her eyes dosed, the covers pulled over
her. "Will you be okay fora while?"

*Where are you going?"

"Just out for a while"

"I'm sorry." Her voice broke, and for a minute Brad
thought she was going to cry again.

"It's okay," Brad said quickly. "I'm just going to head out
for a quick bite and I'll be back. John Panozzo is watching the room from across the hall with a partner, so you'll
be safe"

"He is?"

"Yeah" Knowing that John and his men were watching
over them made him feel a hundred percent better. As
long as they stayed at the hotel, they would be okay. As
long as somebody was around to watch Lisa, he could
just slip out quickly and grab some breakfast and hightail
it back. Plus, he had to call Billy and see if there was any
news. "1'm going to get dressed and then I'll be gone. I'm
leaving the cell phone John gave us in case you need it."
"

"Okay," Lisa mumbled, dosing her eyes again.

Brad drew the shades, darkening the room. Carrying
his travel bag, he went to the bathroom and quickly
slipped out of the clothes he had slept in last night,
washed up, brushed his teeth, applied deodorant, and
dressed in a pair of shorts, a fresh polo shirt, and socks
and shoes. He made sure he had his wallet and the room
key, checked on Lisa one last time before he left, then
slipped out of the room.

He knocked on the door to the room across from
theirs and it opened. John Panozzo peered out at him.
"Any trouble?"

"None, except Lisa's feeling sick," Brad said. "I'm going
to go downstairs real quick for a bite to eat. You guys going to be up here?"

"Yeah. Hold on a second." He disappeared for a
minute, then emerged. "You want somebody to come
with you?"

"Nah, I'll be fine."

"Okay. Ill let hotel security know." John had explained
to them last night on the drive over that if they wanted to
walk around the casino to let him or his partner, Titan,
know so they could alert security. Luxor security had
been briefed on the situation yesterday afternoon, and
they'd have plain-clothed security guys watching them
discreetly, as well as be under the watchful eye of cameras. "Be back as quick as you can."

"I will."

Brad Miller headed down the hall to the elevators, trying to put some order to the thoughts that were running
through his head. Under normal circumstances, the slot
machines and card tables would have beckoned and he
would have been playing roulette by now. But with a sick
wife (who was also in danger of losing her sanity), Brad
was worried not only about the investigation, he was worried about Lisa. If she kept beating herself up over what had happened, she might fall into a stage of such deep
depression that she could become withdrawn, suicidal.
He had to think of a way to help her. Therapy would obviously be the best option, but he couldn't very well look in
theYellow Pages in LasVegas for a shrink, could he?'They
were on the run, in protective custody. They were supposed to be hiding out from the bad guys. He had to talk
to Billy pronto. The more Brad knew what was going on
in the investigation, the better he would be able to make
a decision on what to do.