I can feel the emotions roiling inside of me, wanting to burst through. I can feel my face wanting to twist into a mocking sneer and the anger wanting to form words and hurl them at her until she bleeds and her bones break. I hate that I feel this way.
I take in a shaky breath and say, “I just want you to remember something, Ashley. First, I'm the one who helped everyone escape from Arc at the airport. I'm the one whoâ¦who killed that nurse.”
“
We know that, Jessie. We know and we're grateful. You got us out of there. But any of us would've done the same thing.”
“
I'm not finished!
Yes, I made some bad decisions, but you all agreed with them.”
“
Not always.”
“
If you didn't agree, then why didn't you say so?”
She clenches her jaw, but doesn't answer.
“
Jake isn't always right either, you know.”
“
He's smarter than you about some things, Jessie. He's had survival training. He fixed your arm.”
“
He knows basic first aid. He knows how to start a fire. He can tell what time it is by the position of the sun. Big fucking whoop, Ash. Did his training teach him how to kill a zombie? Because even back when we first swam here through the Midtown tunnel, when he and I were first attacked on Long Island City, all he ever did was run away from them.”
“
And you keep running toward them.”
I stop, openmouthed. The accusation stings, not because it's not true, but because, regardless of my intentions, it is.
“
Not on purpose,” I manage to spit out.
“
I know, but we need to follow someone who's looking to avoid getting killed.”
“
Are you saying I'm trying to get us killed?”
She opens her mouth and gawps for a moment before shaking her head. “No, but⦔
“
But what?”
There's a knock at the door.
“
Not now!”
But it opens and Reggie sticks his head in. “We need to leave soon if we're going to make it before dark.”
“
I haven't had a chance to talk to Stephen.”
He blinks and doesn't answer.
“
Did you find wire cutters?”
“
Even better: bolt cutters.”
I turn back to Ash and say, “Okay, Ash, if that's how you guys feel, thenâ¦fine. Let Jake lead for a while. I'm tired of always having to make the tough decisions, anyway. I'm glad to let someone else step up and do it. But no one else has, other than Jake. And, honestly? I think he's a train wreck waiting to happen. But if you want to follow him, then fine. We'll do it his way for a little while, see how badly that turns out.”
Her eyes flick to Reg. “See, the thing is, Jessie,” she says. “It's not just that. We don't want you to come with us.”
“
What? Why not?”
Reggie clears his throat. “You're bad luck.”
Â
“
What did you say?”
“
Look, it's nothing personal, Jess. Jake thinksâ”
“
You know what? Screw Jake and the whore he rode in on!”
Reggie quickly slips into the room and sweeps the door shut behind him, gesturing for me to keep quiet. “Please, Jess, it'sâ”
“
No! Don't you start this crap on me, too. You're supposed to have my back. Instead, youâ¦you go and pick sides with Mister Freaky Boy out there!”
“
We're not talking about picking sides for a game of
Zpocalypto
here, Jess. This is serious, real life-and-death shit. If we don't figure this thing out that's inside our heads, we're dead. Do you understand? No. Worse than dead. We're Undead.”
“
I understand perfectly well,
brah
. It's not a fucking game. Is that what you think I've been doing, treating this like a god damn game? You're right. All this time I've been busy whupping zombie ass, it's because I'm counting points and keeping track of who gets to go first and all that shit! What the hell are you guys thinking? I'm trying to get us back home!”
Ashley gets up off the bed. Her arms are crossed over her chest and she stares at the floor.
“
Well?”
“
We've already decided. You and Micah should stay behind.”
“
Micah?” I say, choking. “That makes even less sense. He's our best hackerâ”
“
He's useless,” Ashley says, and she quickly blushes. “He can't remember, I mean.”
“
This is bullshit! He'll remember. You think you three can handle crossing Gameland all by yourself?”
“
Four.”
“
What?”
“
Four. Kelly's coming with us.”
My head shoots up at Reggie. “Oh no. You can't expect me to stay behind when he goes with you. Didn't you hear a word I said outside? No fucking way.”
The door opens up behind Reggie and he moves aside so Kelly can come in. Was he waiting just outside all this time? Was he listening?
“
I just spoke with Micah,” he says. “It's all set. You two will stay here and figure out a way to get through the wall.”
“
What? No fuâ Wait a minute. Do you think I'm bad luck, too?”
“
No, of course not, Jessie.”
“
Well, I'm not leaving you. And I'm not letting you leave me.”
He leans in and grabs my arms hard. There's a ferocity in his eyes that immediately quiets me. He gestures to the others and they quickly file out of the room.
“
You're hurting me, Kel.”
“
I⦔ he stammers, his eyes flicking between mine. He doesn't loosen his grip. “I need you to stay behind. I need you to do this for me, Jess.”
I frown. “What's going on? What aren't you telling me?”
“
It's killing me, Jessie,” he whispers in my ear. “But I can't say anything right now. Just know that I love you. That's all you need to know.”
Then he leans in to kiss me. I'm too shocked to respond or resist. At the last possible moment, he tilts his head up and the kiss lands on my forehead, dry and cold. And the look he gives me tells me one more thing: He doesn't expect to ever see me again.
He's out the door before I can move. By the time I can, Reggie's standing at the door, blocking it.
“
Get the hell out of my way!” I shout at him, trying to push past him. “I hate you! I hate you all!”
He gently pushes me back into the room with one hand, waggling a finger at me. He opens his mouth to speak but doesn't say anything. After a moment, he closes the door behind him.
“
No!” I slam my fist against the door. “You bastards!” I grab the knob and rip it open and race out into the hallway. Micah catches my arm before I can get out there.
“
You need to calm down, Jessie.”
“
Oh, so you're
all
against me now?”
“
No.”
“
I won't stay here. I am
not
going home without you guys!” I try to push him aside too, but he holds a finger up to his lips and gives me a quick warning shake of the head. I can hear the others talking in the other room, discussing their plans. I hear Jake mention that they're taking Micah's tablet with the map on it.
“
Whatâ?”
“
Shh! Just listen, Jess,” he whispers. “Kelly didn't explain everything to me, but I got the sense he thinks you're in some kind of danger.”
“
From Jake?”
“
I don't know. I tried to talk him out of us splitting up, but he wouldn't listen to me. He was very insistent. He doesn't want you going to Jayne's Hill.”
“
Why not?”
“
Again, I don't know. But something tells me he knows what he's talking about.”
I run my hands restlessly through my hair and pace from one side of the hallway to the other. Step, turn, step, turn.
Focus. Breathe. Step. Breathe.
“
He can't stop me,” I decide. “None of them can. What are they going to do? Have me arrested? Detained? âYes, Officer, my girlfriend is following me through zombie-infested lands because she's worried about me and I'd really like it if you took her into custody.' Is that what he'll do?”
Micah shakes his head and cracks a smile. “Yes, this I remember, the old Jessie, not the running scared one we've been seeing lately.”
“
Running scared?” I sputter. “Who the hell have you been watching?”
He shrugs. “I don't know, but not this. This is the real you. Finally. Brassy, cocky, indignant. Not the you everyone else wants you to be.”
This startles me. It's been a struggle for me lately, trying to do the right thing. Trying to do what other people have told me I should do. Ignoring the tiny voice inside of me.
“
You're thinking of Ashley,” I grumble. “She's the one with the âtude.”
“
No, underneath her hard exterior it's all soft marshmallow. You know that. I know that. Most importantly, Reggie knows that. Why do you think he's so protective of her? You, on the other hand, you wear your marshmallow part on the outside. It buffers the toughness inside.”
“
Yeah, my bad-luck heart of stone. I know.”
“
No, not stone. But you are pretty damn tough inside. Maybeâ¦maybe a little too tough sometimes.”
I frown at him, but I feel my anger leaking away. “Well, maybe by splitting up, we can accomplish more,” I say. “You and I can work on getting through the wall.”
“
That's my girl. We'll get out of this, but not if we're constantly fighting each other.”
I stare at him for a moment, wondering if his amnesia has done something to him, changed him.
“
What?” he asks, giving me a bemused look.
“
I think I like this new Micah,” I mumble. “The old one never got this serious about anything. Thoughtful, yes, but not serious.”
“
I've always been this serious, Jess. I just happen to be sober.” He laughs. “But if you tell anyone this is the real me, I'll have to kill you.”
“
Is that the best you can come up with? So cliché.”
In the kitchen, the others murmur as they make their plans.
Micah reaches up and is about to touch my face when he suddenly draws back, confusion in his eyes. He looks away. “Iâ We should get back out there.”
He quickly turns around and leaves, walking stiffly away. And for the third time in as many minutes, I'm left speechless by a man and the confusion of feelings coursing through me towards him.
I shake my head and wonder what just happened. Did Micah just come on to me? Ever since I've known him I've never seen him express any romantic interest in any girl. Or boy, for that matter.
“
That
was definitely strange,” I whisper. Then I head out to where the others are preparing to leave.
Â
Stephen's still sitting
on the floor in front of the couch, his head buried in his arms. He hasn't moved a muscle. I'm surprisedâand relievedâto find Tanya still breathing. I can hear the gurgle of air passing through her mangled throat. In the kitchen, the others are gathered around the kitchen table looking at the map on the tablet. Micah looks up, then quickly buries his head as he points to something and makes a comment. The others nod and make agreeable sounds.
Outside the window, the sun hangs low on the horizon, resting, it seems, right on the top edge of the wall. Two and a half hours of sunlight left, max. They're going to have to hustle to make it, and they still have to figure out a way through the electrified fence.
I kick Stephen. “Hey, asshole. Get up!”
“
She's stopped bleeding.”
Blood covers his hands and arms. It stains his shirt and pants. It's puddled beneath Tanya, the stain leaching into the cushions. Her skin is a sickly grayish-white and her eyes have sunken into her skull. They're ringed by dark circles. Of course she's stopped bleeding; she ran out of blood. The thought turns my stomach, but then I remember the more immediate concern: she's close to turning.
“
You need to do something about her. And soon.”
He looks over and nods. But then he says, “She might pull through.”
“
She won't, damn it! Look at her. There's nothing left in her.”
I reach down and yank his arm. He doesn't resist.
“
She would've been quicker and stronger than any of us,” he whispers. She'd have no fear, be immune to disease, to cancer. Resistant to aging.” He smiles then and caresses her forehead. “She would've been immortal.”
“
Not so immortal after all.”
His face twists and he thrusts me weakly away from him.
“
Is she infectious?”
“
What?”
“
Infectious? Can she pass the disease onto one of us?”
He doesn't answer.
“
What does Arc get out of it? You already have control over the Undead. Why make someone Undead when they're still alive?”