She'd truly been on his mind that long? The layer of winter snow around her heart began to melt. Dan, the boy who helped spin honey and painted barn doors, hadn't ever meant to be cruel. She admitted to herself that she'd come to care for him a great deal, and the boy who trampled dandelions wasn't rotten at the core like she feared. The realization felt like ointment on a burn.
His voice shook with longing. “The worst of it is I made you unhappy. I am sick to think how much my careless teasing hurt you.”
The intense ache in his gaze made her catch her breath. The rest of the snow melted like a Popsicle in July.
“I would do anything to go back and erase all the stupid things I said to you.”
It suddenly became easy as pie to smile. She blinked away all remaining tears. “Dan, everything is going to be all right. I forgive you with all my heart.”
He didn't seem to like that answer. “
Nae,
Lily. I want you to take some time to think about it. You can't so easily forgive something like this. Make me suffer. Heaven knows I've made you suffer for years.”
“I'm not that kind of person, Dan, and neither are you. Now that I know there was no malice in it, forgiveness is no effort at all.”
He studied her face. “I don't deserve it.”
What could she say to wipe that frown off his face? “Everything can be put to rights if you smile.”
He must have truly been in despair. He couldn't even manage a grimace.
Lily leaned close to him so their sleeves finally touched. “I'm just happy you don't find me repulsive.”
“Never,” he whispered.
Dan hesitated for a moment before slipping his hand into hers and rubbing his thumb along her knuckles. Her heart thumped and clattered like a band in a parade. She couldn't form a coherent thought, let alone pull her hand away. She would have to let it be until she got her wits about her. They might sit like this forever. With his hand touching hers, she feared she'd never see her wits again.
“I'll be grateful to Paul until the day I die,” Dan said.
“You will?”
“He was a friend to you when I wasn't.”
With a thick lump in her throat, Lily nodded. Maybe Dan understood better why she had always been so loyal.
“It was my fault you needed a friend. That's
Gotte
's justice if I've ever heard it.” He looked more stricken than ever. “I've ruined everything.” After what seemed like an eternity, he stood up and turned away. “I should go now.”
Surely he knew he didn't have to leave, especially now that everything had changed. “But aren't you going to stay for dinner?”
He turned sideways, but he didn't really look at her. “
Nae.
I've got chores to see to.”
“Are you sure? Aunt B invited you. She's probably invited three boys to dinner in her entire life.”
Nothing, it seemed, could pierce through his dark mood. He shook his head. “
Denki,
Lily, but tonight I'm not fit for company.”
She felt as if he was somehow slipping away from her, and she couldn't abide the thought of losing him, not when their relationship had become brand-new. She wrapped her fingers around his arm before he could escape. “We can still be friends, can't we?”
He seemed to thaw slightly as he gently placed his hand over hers. His touch proved as unnerving as ever. “If you want my friendship, you will always have it.”
She followed him out of the leafy canopy and down the lane, but he didn't pause to wait for her to catch up to him. “Will we see you tomorrow?”
He turned and gazed at her, disbelief evident in his expression. “You still want me to come?”
She blew air from between her lips in exasperation. “Dan, I've forgiven you, and that's the end of it.”
His lips curved into a weary smile. “You're a better person than I'll ever hope to be, Lily Christner. Better than I'll ever deserve.”
She didn't bother to contradict him, not with the more pressing matter at hand. “But you'll come? And it's not because I want to get out of the extra work.”
“If you've got a lazy hair on your head, I've yet to see it.” He eyed her as if waiting for her to banish him from the farm.
She could be persistent when she had a mind to. “It wonders me if you'll come.”
He stroked his hand down the side of his face. “If you still want me, I'll come.”
Her face relaxed into what she hoped was an appealing smile. She pointed to the hives near the row of basswood trees. “We'll be there at six.”
“So will I,” he said, without his ever-present cheerfulness. He turned and walked away. At least he'd agreed to come. She could work on his mood when she next saw him.
She didn't immediately follow. Instead, she stood in the lane and watched Dan get his horse from the barn and hitch it to the buggy. Then he turned his buggy around and drove down the lane, giving her a wave and a subdued frown as he passed.
She waved in return, throwing much more enthusiasm into it than she usually did. Dan had to see that she truly held no malice toward him in her heart.
A boulder-size weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She felt happier than she had for weeks.
Dan, it appeared, had never felt worse.
Chapter Eighteen
The tall battery-powered lamp was Dan's only companion as he vigorously scrubbed the cement floor on his hands and knees. His knees screamed at him to stop this madness, and his neck and shoulders were stiff with tension. Still, he didn't quit. The soreness took his mind off the ache in his chest, an ache so sharp he could barely breathe.
He'd lost Lily.
And losing the girl he loved had been all his own doing.
That pill was the bitterest he'd ever swallowed.
He scrubbed even harder. He'd already worn out one scrub brush in his attempt to clean the floor of the milking room. This next scrub brush also looked ready to give up the ghost.
“Oh,
sis yuscht,
Dan. What are you doing?”
Dan knew that voice without having to turn around. He didn't even pause with the scrub brush. “I wouldn't expect you to know, Luke Bontrager. You've never cleaned a floor in your life.”
“Mopping floors is women's work,” Luke replied.
Dan heard two sets of footsteps behind him. “That's why you'll never get a wife,” Josiah said.
Dan looked up from his floor to see his best friends eyeing him warily, as if he'd lost his mind and they were here to coax him into the asylum.
Luke raised his eyebrows. “Your
mamm
told us it was serious, but we had no idea it was this bad.”
Dan pretended not to know what Luke was talking about. “What's so bad about cleaning up a little? You should try it sometime. The girls wouldn't keep away if you didn't smell so bad.”
Luke gestured toward Dan's scrub brush. “You could eat off this floor.”
Dan swiped his brush at a particularly stubborn piece of manure. “
Gute.
A dairy should be sanitary.”
“Sanitary? With cows walking in and out all day?”
Josiah grabbed three milking stools from their pegs on the far wall, placed them in a circle, and sat down. Luke sat next to him while Josiah motioned toward the other stool. “Do you want to take a break?”
Dan shook his head. “Not really.” Talking about it would only make him feel worse than manure. He'd scrubbed enough of it to know.
“
Cum,
” Josiah said. “You always try to work yourself to death when you're upset, and we'd rather not bury our best friend at the ripe age of twenty-two.”
“I'll be twenty-three in October.”
Luke's lips twitched. “
Gute
for you.”
Dan huffed out a frustrated breath. Josiah would wait all night if he had to. Luke would try to browbeat him into submission. He might as well get it over with. Dropping the scrub brush into the bucket of steaming soapy water, he rose to his feet and stifled a groan. His knees were stiffer than he expected. Maybe he should take a break from the floor and start on the walls. He managed to hobble to the stool and sit.
Luke smirked. “That's why I never scrub floors. It'll give you bad knees.”
“That is nonsense coming from a carpenter,” Josiah said. “You've laid plenty of wood floors yet.”
“I use knee pads.”
Dan propped his elbows on his knees, laced his fingers together, and stared at Luke and Josiah as weary sadness enveloped him. He shouldn't have stopped scrubbing. At least it kept the pain at bay. “Isn't it past your bedtime?”
Josiah folded his arms and leaned toward Dan with deep concern in his expression. Luke merely looked put out.
“Your
mamm
sent your brother to fetch us,” Josiah said. “She told us you came home from Christners', brushed down all three horses, mucked out the stalls, mopped the floor, and did a load of laundry, all without dinner. She got a little worried.”
Dan's lips curled slightly. “Only my
mamm
worries about a person working too much.”
Luke shook his head. “
Nae
. My
mamm
would worry. She'd think I was coming down with something if I worked that hard.”
“What happened at Lily's?” Josiah said.
Dan forced a breath from between his lips as the pain flared like a forest fire. His whole life had been ruined; that's what had happened. “I made a mess of things with Lily, and it's a mess that can't be fixed.” The words almost choked him. “I don't deserve her, and Paul Glick does. He's already won.”
Luke snapped his head up and raised his voice so he almost yelled. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Paul Glick doesn't deserve anything over you.”
Josiah fingered the whiskers on his chin and studied Dan's face. “It wonders me why you say that. You are the best kind of man. Surely Lily sees that.”
“Do you remember in eighth grade when I got interested in Lily?”
Luke cocked an eyebrow. “We remember. It's all we ever heard about.” He made his voice high in a pathetic attempt to mimic Dan's eighth grade self. “âIsn't Lily Christner pretty, Luke? Don't you think Lily's smart? I'm going to faint if Lily talks to me.'”
Dan frowned at Luke. “I don't faint.”
Luke snorted. “You would have.”
Josiah gave Luke a not-so-subtle sock in the shoulder. “You were saying, Dan?”
Dan propped his chin in his hand. “I spent hours racking my brain for ways to attract her attention. I studied spelling words so she would notice how smart I was at the spelling bee.”
“You're not that smart,” Luke said.
“Be quiet, Luke,” Josiah scolded.
Dan chuckled in spite of himself. Sometimes Luke's sarcasm was just what he needed to keep from falling into the depths of despair. “It's true. I am the stupidest boy in the whole world.”
Luke leaned away from Josiah in case Josiah wanted to shove him again. “I wouldn't say that. All I know is that I'm smarter than both of you. It gives me a lot of satisfaction.”
Josiah shoved Luke again, even though he had tried to keep his distance. There was good humor in Josiah's exasperation. Josiah was gentle and kind and never lost his temper, even with his sometimes-annoying friends. He didn't have a mean bone in his entire body. “Luke, I never thought I'd say this to one of my best friends, but shut up.”
Luke grinned. “It's my job to knock down Dan's pride whenever I can. Pride is a sin, you know.”
Josiah draped an arm around Luke's shoulders and softened his tone. “Can't you see his pride's already been knocked down?”
They turned their eyes to Dan.
Luke sighed in resignation. “If he's surrendered to Paul Glick, I'd say he's been knocked down about as far as he can go.”
“Tell us what's happened,” Josiah said. “And Luke promises not to interrupt.”
Dan sat up straight and scrubbed his hands through his hair as a wave of fresh pain came over him. “I wanted Lily to notice me so I started calling her names.”
Luke nodded. “Amtrak, Coke Bottle. We heard them all.”
“Luke,” Josiah warned.
Luke raised his hands in surrender. “I'm not interrupting, just adding to the story.”
Dan pressed his lips together.
Ach,
if only he could take it all back. “I would never have called Rose names. She would have wilted like a flower in the desert. And Poppy would have wanted to beat me up every day. But I thought Lily secretly enjoyed the nicknames. I guess I believed they made her feel special, gave her a clue that I liked her.”
“They didn't?” Luke said, with more of a statement in his tone than a question.
Dan massaged his forehead as if to rub the memory clean out of his brain. “They devastated her.”
There was a long, heavy pause. Luke and Josiah were both thinking on it. “So you hurt her feelings,” Josiah said.
“She told me she used to cry every night because I”âhe pounded his chestâ“
I
teased her. I brought heartache to the one person in the world I would never purposefully hurt.”
“You'd never purposefully hurt anyone,” Josiah murmured.
Luke suddenly had it figured out. “Then, knowing you liked her, Paul Glick took advantage of the situation and moved in on Lily. He's always hated you.”
“
Nae,
Luke. Paul Glick was the friend I should have been. No wonder she loves him.”
Luke made a face. “Did she say that?”
“Not in so many words,” Dan said, feeling worse by the minute. “But she said she thanks
Gotte
every day that Paul came into her life.”
“Did you explain to her that you never meant to be cruel?” Josiah said.
Dan nodded. “She says she forgives me.”
Josiah swiped his hand down the side of his face. “Of course she does. She's too
gute
of a girl to hold a grudge.”
Luke knew how to deliver a knife right to the heart. “But she still loves Paul.”
Dan clenched his jaw until he thought his teeth might crack. “She needed him, and the only reason she needed him is because I was mean to her. Why would she ever choose me over him?”
Josiah scooted his stool a few inches closer as if he were ready to get down to business. “Help me understand, Dan. Tell me what Lily said. Is she dead set on Paul?”
“How could she not be?”
“But what did she say about him?”
Nothing could help, but Dan was grateful that Josiah wanted to try. “She's very loyal. He's got her all tied up in knots over the smallest things, but she doesn't want to see it. She refuses to see it. It makes me want to tear my hair out.”
Luke growled deep in his throat. “I really dislike that boy.”
Josiah glared at him.
Luke raised his hands in surrender. “I didn't say
hate
.”
“Did she ask you to stop going to her farm?”
“
Nae,
” Dan said. “She told me I could come and trample dandelions anytime I want, and she says she still wants to be friends.”
Luke grimaced. “Ouch.”
Josiah gave Luke a sideways glance. Dan was impressed. He did it without even rolling his eyes. “So she doesn't hate you, and she still wants to see you, in spite of Paul.”
“Maybe,” Dan said, barely allowing himself to hope. “Maybe she was just being nice. She's real nice.”
“She invited you to come again,” Josiah said. “I think she would have told you to stay away if she were finally set on Paul.”
Luke nodded. “And she wouldn't have put up with you this long if she hated your guts.”
Dan knit his brows together. “I certainly gave her enough opportunity to end our friendship.” He curled one side of his mouth. “Come to think of it, she seemed pretty determined that I come by tomorrow.”
“Because she likes you, despite how badly you've messed things up.”
Dan didn't have Josiah's forbearance. He rolled his eyes. “
Denki,
Luke, for that vote of confidence.”
Luke didn't even acknowledge the veiled sarcasm. “And the girls think you're way more handsome than chubby Paul Glick.”
“I'm sure Paul has many fine qualities,” Josiah said, nudging Luke with his hand. “But you can't give up, Dan. I've seen the way Lily looks at you. There's something there.”
Dan's heart swelled. Josiah was never one for insincerity. If he thought Dan still had a chance with Lily, then Dan would take it. She
had
seemed happy when he promised to help with the hives in the morning. Maybe she didn't mind having him around. Maybe her heart could be softened. Maybe she could be persuaded to love him eventually.
Josiah leaned closer and lowered his voice as if he shouldn't even be thinking what he was about to say out loud. “Paul and Lily are not well suited, Dan. Don't you see? You have to do this for Lily. She can't be bound to Paul Glick for life. She'd be miserable, and she doesn't deserve to be miserable.”
Dan squared his shoulders with renewed determination. He loved Lily Christner. He ached for her to love him back, but he would keep trying if for no other reason than to save Lily from an unhappy future. He would give anything to see her happy.
He stood quickly, chastising himself for the searing pain in his knees. Would it have killed him to wear knee pads? “I've got to go to Walmart. Do you guys want to come with me?”
“Now?” Luke asked, as if Dan had lost his mind.
He didn't know if he'd lost his mind, but he'd certainly lost his heart. “It's open twenty-four hours, and I need to pick up a few things for Bitsy. Is anybody with me?”
“I'll come,” Luke said. “It wouldn't hurt to pick up some nails.”
Dan put his hands on his hips. “And a couple of new scrub brushes for Mamm.”
Josiah raised his hand as if volunteering for a dangerous job. “You can count me in. Somebody has to keep you two out of trouble.”
Luke pointed to Dan's bucket of water while Josiah hung up the stools.
“Dump it,” Dan said. “I'm done for the night. Who ever heard of a sanitary milking floor?”
Luke dumped Dan's soapy water into the floor drain, and Dan threw his scrub brush away. Lord willing, he would never again be upset enough to wear out two brushes in one night.
The three of them walked out into the dark night toward Luke's buggy. Dan had never been more grateful for his two friends. They always brought just what he needed.
“Dan,” Josiah asked. “So, I'm wondering. Does Rose ever talk about me?”
Luke shook his head. “You are pathetic, Josiah. Absolutely pathetic.”