Sweet Damage (30 page)

‘God, Marcus,' Fiona says, looking at Lilla with undisguised horror. ‘What on earth . . .'

‘Look, Fiona. I'm sorry but it's not a big deal. Lilla and I have had a . . . well, a casual friendship, I suppose you could call it. And when you and I were looking for a tenant for Fairview, Lilla said she knew the perfect person. That was you, Tim. She said that I'd be doing her an enormous favour if I let you get the room because it was too cramped with you in her flat. I was just trying to help her out of an awkward situation. Anna got a housemate, someone trustworthy to help out, and Lilla got her flat back without offending you, without having to kick you out and ruin your friendship.'

I stare at Marcus and try to make sense of it. ‘So the two of you basically set the whole thing up?'

‘If you want to put it like that, then yes, more or less. And I'm sorry for that. But there were no bad intentions involved,' Marcus says. ‘I put the ad in the paper, and simply waited until I saw your number come up on my phone. It wasn't hard,' he shrugs. ‘And it hasn't turned out all that badly, has it? There's been no damage done.'

Anna smiles sadly. ‘I don't know, Marcus. I think some damage may have been done, yes. And maybe your intentions were good, but I don't know if the same can be said for Lilla. I don't know what her intentions were.'

‘I'm not sure what you mean,' Marcus says, turning a puzzled face to Lilla. We all turn to watch her. She doesn't squirm or turn away or blush, she looks genuinely amused. ‘Why should Lilla have any other intentions?'

‘I just wanted to get rid of an unwanted house guest.' Lilla lifts her hands. ‘Sorry, Tim. But that's it. The sad truth. And, okay, yeah, I shouldn't have lied, but you know how awkward it can get in situations like that. Patrick was about to totally lose the plot, and you were just refusing to get off your arse and find somewhere else to live. I had to do something. I had no choice.'

78

ANNA PUSHES HER CHAIR BACK
.

‘Lilla,' she asks. ‘Would you give me a hand?'

In the kitchen Anna scrapes the scraps into the bin. Lilla doesn't actually help Anna – no real surprise – instead she gets the jug and the bottle of tequila, busies herself making more drinks. Anna works slowly, pausing frequently to stare at nothing, sighing deliberately.

‘What is it?' Lilla asks. ‘You're not worried about the whole Marcus thing, are you? Seriously. It was nothing. I just had to get rid of Tim. You know what it's like. And it's all turned out pretty well, hasn't it? For you two.'

‘God no,' Anna shakes her head. ‘It's not that. I don't care about that. I was just thinking about Benjamin. Remembering.' She sighs again. ‘Missing him.'

‘Oh. Right. The baby. Maybe you should try not to think of him so much?' Lilla says. ‘Focus on happier things.'

The suggestion is so ludicrous and insensitive, so stupidly offensive, that Anna has to fight an urge to slap Lilla's face. She clenches her fists by her sides, then forces herself to release them, to smile even.

‘You're absolutely right,' she says. ‘I should stop feeling sorry for myself. And God, I'm not the only one who misses him, am I? I'm just being selfish.'

‘What do you mean?'

‘Well, you know, I wasn't the only person who loved him. People don't make babies all on their own, you know.'

‘Oh. Of course. The father,' Lilla says, looking down at her fingernails, as if the topic is all a bit of a drag. ‘How's he coping with all this? The whole accident thing?'

‘How's he coping?' Anna says vaguely, going to wash her hands at the sink. ‘Well, actually, I think he's okay. I think he's doing quite well.'

‘So you still see him then?'

‘See him?' Anna turns so that she can face Lilla, watch her reaction. ‘Of course I do. I see him a lot,' she smiles. ‘But you're just teasing me now, aren't you? Playing more games? Pretending not to know?'

‘What?' Lilla's eyes snap up. ‘What do you mean?'

‘Marcus,' Anna says, her eyes on Lilla's, her voice firm and clear so there can be no misunderstanding. ‘Marcus was Benjamin's father.'

Lilla takes a step back. ‘Marcus? No. No way.' She shakes her head. ‘He never . . . I mean, he couldn't have—'

‘You didn't know, Lilla? Really? That's so strange . . .' Anna shrugs. ‘Though I guess that's just Marcus, isn't it? So secretive. So private. Nobody can ever really get close to him.'

Lilla nods, but her face is closed tight with fury, her lips drawn together in a thin line.

Anna collects the platter of cheese and fruit that Tim had prepared earlier.

‘Would you mind just handing me a knife, Lilla?' she asks, indicating a drawer with her chin. But Lilla's obviously distracted, upset, and she reaches vaguely for a kitchen knife from the block on the benchtop and puts it on the platter. It doesn't matter. Cheese knife. Kitchen knife. Nobody is likely to notice or care.

‘Thanks,' Anna smiles. ‘I'll just take this out.' And as she leaves the room she can feel Lilla's eyes on her back, like two little daggers, pointed and sharp with malice.

79

W
HILE
L
ILLA AND
A
NNA ARE IN THE KITCHEN
, M
ARCUS GOES TO
the toilet.

Fiona crosses her arms over her chest and turns to me.

‘You and Anna?' she says. ‘You're seeing each other?'

‘Seeing each other?' I imitate the gruff tone of her voice in an attempt to lighten the mood, but her expression doesn't change. ‘Yeah. I guess we are.'

‘Serious, is it?'

‘Don't know yet,' I say.
And it's none of your bloody business
, I think.

‘You know what happened, don't you?'

‘Happened?'

‘Last winter.'

‘She told me about her son, Benjamin, if that's what you mean?'

She gives a curt nod. She's watching my face so closely that I feel like I'm being put through some kind of test, one that I have no chance of passing.

‘I think she's pretty amazing,' I say. ‘And incredibly strong.'

‘Strong? Really? That's what you think?'

‘Yeah. Why not? I haven't had a kid, obviously, but I know it's the worst thing in the world to lose one. That's what people say, anyway. And the circumstances with Benjamin, I mean, they make it even worse. And she's been here dealing with that, pretty much on her own. That makes her strong in my eyes.'

‘She's not strong at all,' she says, now so angry or upset – I can't tell which – that her voice is shaking. ‘How can you say that? You of all people? You told us what she did, Tim. You know what's been going on. She's vulnerable. She needs help.'

‘I don't think so. I think she's getting better,' I say.

‘She forgot to lock the pram,' Fiona insists. ‘Did you know that?'

‘Yeah. She told me the full story. And it's crap and I know she must feel like utter hell. But it was an accident, Fiona. And she's dealing with it. She is. I know she is.' I'm abrupt, trying to make it clear that I don't want to talk about it.

‘I don't think so. In fact I think she's getting worse,' she finishes urgently as Marcus reappears. ‘Imagine what that guilt would do to a person. It would send you mad.'

80

‘W
HO WANTS SOME OF THIS AMAZING CHEESE
?' A
NNA ASKS AS SHE
enters the dining room a moment later. She's holding the cheese platter and a pile of plates.

Lilla marches in with a venomous look on her face. She doesn't take a seat; instead she stands behind her chair and glares down at everyone. We all watch her as she takes three big gulps of her drink. She grimaces, gasps. Then she lifts the glass to her mouth and finishes the rest.

‘Whoa,' Marcus says. ‘Lilla. Take it easy. What are you trying to do?'

‘I'm trying to get drunk, Marcus,' Lilla says coldly. ‘What are you trying to do?'

‘Nothing,' Marcus looks bewildered at Lilla's tone.

Lilla puts her glass back on the table so roughly that it wobbles. ‘So, anyway,' she says. ‘In case you're curious. Anna and I were talking about Benjamin in the kitchen.' She stares at Marcus. ‘Such a horrible tragedy, wasn't it? So terrible. Unimaginable, really.'

‘Yes,' Marcus looks down. ‘Terrible.'

‘And it must be hard for the father too. Hard for him to accept,' Lilla says. ‘To forgive. Move on.'

‘I suppose so.' Marcus goes white. He picks up the knife as if to cut himself some cheese but puts it straight back down again without doing anything. He looks suddenly ill or frightened or both.

‘What's wrong with you, Marcus?' Lilla asks.

‘What's wrong with
me
?' he asks. ‘What's wrong with you? Why are you staring at me like that?'

She leans over the table. ‘What the hell do you think is wrong, Marcus? I don't like being lied to. That's what's wrong. I don't like being tricked.'

The hypocrisy of her words would be funny if she wasn't so serious, so genuinely outraged.

‘Tricked? I haven't tricked you.'

‘You didn't tell me about Benjamin, though, did you? It's a pretty big thing to forget to tell me. I mean, fucking hell, Marcus, if I'd known . . .' She slaps the table with her open palm, making everybody jump. ‘You're a fucking liar!'

‘Benjamin?' Fiona stares at Marcus. ‘What about Benjamin? What's she talking about?'

Marcus puts his head in his hands. ‘Jesus Christ. I don't believe this. I simply do not believe it.' Then he sighs, lifts his head to look at Fiona. ‘I'm so sorry.'

‘Sorry? What are you sorry for?'

It's clear that Marcus is rattled: he clears his throat, blinks. ‘Anna and I didn't tell you . . . or rather I didn't tell you, because I couldn't. I didn't know how to. I didn't want you to find out like this. Not tonight. And all I can say is sorry. I'm sorry I was such a coward. I'm sorry for all of it.'

‘I don't . . .' Fiona says. ‘What are you saying?'

‘I'm saying Benjamin was my son. I was Benjamin's father.' Marcus's voice cracks, and he looks down. ‘I couldn't acknowledge it myself, let alone to anyone else.'

‘Benjamin's father? What? Is this really . . . I don't . . .' Fiona stands up. She's completely still for a moment, a look of stunned confusion on her face, as if she's forgotten where she is, what she's doing. Eventually she collapses back into her chair, puts her face in her hands. ‘Oh no. Oh God no.
No
.'

Marcus pats Fiona's back awkwardly. She flinches, her shoulders shaking.

Marcus looks at Anna, his eyes full of despair. ‘Are you satisfied now? Are you happy?'

‘Not at all,' Anna says. ‘Don't think I'm getting any joy out of this.'

‘Then why? I thought we had an agreement. Why tonight? Like this?'

‘Well and why not?' Lilla spits out. ‘What do you expect, Marcus? She's mad. Obviously. You must be mad yourself, getting involved with someone like her. What exactly do you expect? You can't expect normal behaviour from a lunatic.'

‘That's right, Lilla. I'm mad,' Anna says. ‘Or is that just what you want everyone to think?'

‘Why would I give a shit what people think? All I know is you need a lot of help. And so does everyone else here.' Lilla looks around the table as if for confirmation. ‘You're all sick in the head. Face it. And you, Anna – that whole cot scenario up in the attic? You sitting up there every day pretending your baby's alive? It pretty much confirms that you're seriously screwed. Not to mention all the weird stuff you've been—'

‘Shut up, Lilla,' I interrupt. I'm suddenly so angry I can't control myself. My voice comes out in a rough growl, my hands shake. Lilla stares back at me with shock at first – she's never seen me like this before – but her expression quickly shifts to one of hostility. It's hard to remember what I ever saw in her, how I ever thought I loved her. ‘Don't you dare bloody sit there insulting Anna in her own house. Why don't you just shut up for once in your life?

‘I'm only stating the truth, Tim. Your girlfriend's sick.'

I want to smash her, wipe the self-satisfied look from her face. It's the first time in my life I've had an urge to hit a woman. Anna puts a restraining hand on my arm.

‘Maybe I am mad,' she says quietly. ‘I don't know. I can see that it probably isn't all that good spending so much time in the attic. Living in my head like that. And obviously being agoraphobic isn't . . . well, it's not exactly healthy.' She lifts her chin. ‘But I'm not an aggressive or malicious person, Lilla. I don't destroy things. I don't paint horrible phrases on walls or put spiders on people's beds.'

‘Come on,' Lilla scoffs, ‘you don't really expect any of us to believe that.'

‘I do expect you to believe it. And, just so you know, for a while there at least, I really did think I was going mad. I thought it must have been me doing all those things even though I had no memory of it. I thought I was as crazy as you say. But when I discovered that you and Marcus have known each other all along, I started thinking about it. You've been lying, Lilla. To me and Tim. And we don't get it.'

‘And you know else we don't get?' I interject. ‘This!' I pull out the torn and defaced photo and put it on the table where everyone can see. The raw violence of it is stark, shocking.

Lilla's mouth drops open, but she recovers quickly.

‘Going through my bag now?' she spits. ‘First Anna perves on my Facebook photos, then you raid my bag. I don't believe this!'