Sweet Seduction Surrender (17 page)

I was immobile with rage. A solid form of disbelieving mass standing statue still in the warm embrace of a pleading man. A man who, in such a short amount of time, meant everything to me.

Jason finally realised I wasn't melting under his touch, that I wasn't encouraging him further. That I hadn't offered him forgiveness. He pulled back, until there was once again space between us, enough for the cool night air to start to chill me. And he looked crushed.

Broken.

Without conscious thought I lifted the fingers of one of my hands to his face. Caressed one digit slowly down his cheek, then cupped his jaw, locking his gaze on my own.

For a moment neither of us said anything, just stared at the other, waiting for something... momentous to occur. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a precipice, staring across a darkened abyss to the light on the other side. I could choose to go back, to avoid the chance of falling over the side and sinking into the bleak, black chasm. Or I could take a gamble on the light I could clearly see across the other side, in this man's eyes. Take the risk, breach the divide, and walk in sunshine.

I'd taken a risk once, and fallen off the edge into the abyss.

I stared at him, seeing the man I'd fallen for before I fell, and the broken man that had been left afterwards. I wanted to reach for that sunshine on the other side of the abyss, and it was a lovely thought, but reality is not made up of fantastical analogies. Besides, there was more to it than just forgiveness. Jason was a tortured man, moulded from his experiences. Encounters that I could probably never imagine in my worst nightmares. Did I truly think I could help him? Did I truly believe I could be the woman he needed me to be, in order for him to live life?

I stared into those beautiful, yet haunting, chocolate brown eyes, and saw my own fear and doubts reflected there. Neither of us were one hundred percent certain about this. But the longing that intertwined and overrode the apprehension matched my own. He wanted me and I realised, I still wanted him.

I searched his eyes for anything else, anything that would indicate he could hurt me again like he did two weeks ago. Maybe there was something wrong with
me
to even be contemplating this after what he'd done. But he was messed up, and I couldn't let go. Should I allow my pride and fear to rule my heart? Or should I let my heart guide my way? I was scared of being hurt again, but I was more fearful of not living life, of missing a chance I may never get again. Of letting him walk away. I am what I am, and what I am is in love with this broken man.

The longer I looked, the less fear and uncertainty I saw in his eyes, on his face. And the more desire and determination took their place. A small smile spread my lips. A little of the old Jason Cain I'd come to love seeping back in. There was hope. And if there was hope...

Still, I can be stubborn.

"If you ever hurt me like that again, Jason, I will walk away," I said, voice steady, but low, my intention to do as I said in every syllable that left my lips.

"Kate," he whispered, and so much was conveyed in that one word from his lips. So much relief and joy and sorrow at what had transpired. And hope for what could now come.

"What now?" I asked, because despite - well at least I think - letting him back in, I didn't know what the next step was. This had been so monumental, such an enormous hurdle to overcome. I wasn't yet one hundred percent recovered. In all honesty, I hadn't yet fully forgiven him.

Oh, I understood my brother's duplicity in what had transpired. I understood Jason's messed up psyche had allowed Nick to steer him down that path. But it had hurt, damn it! You don't just get over something like that, simply because you understand and the person has apologised.

This would take time, and right now, I really didn't know what happens next.

"We take this one day at a time," Jason said softly, receiving a relieved nod of my head from me. "But if you think I'm going home to my flat tonight and leaving you alone to mull this over and change your mind, then think again."

And Captain Jason Cain was back.

Thank God.

I offered a smile, it might have reached my eyes, I'm not sure. Then Jason slipped his hand into mine, held my gaze for a suspended moment, and walked past me back into the house. The front door clicked shut behind us, he paused to lock it, then the lights in the lounge were extinguished, and he guided me down the hall.

His touch was sure, but gently, when he undressed me. I was momentarily surprised he helped me slip my nightdress on when he was done. But the relief was also apparent. He stripped down to his boxers, then with eyes still holding mine captive, helped me slide under the covers of the bed.

The bedside lamp was switched off, as he pulled me into the circle of his arms and laid a soft kiss in amongst my hair.

He knew I was still in pain, and he didn't push me. He simply held me, offering the odd kiss to my temple, wrapping me up in his large, safe arms, and waiting for me to fall asleep.

I wasn't sure what was next, but for now I'd take this, willingly.

Jason had hurt me, but there'd been a reason why. A messed up, screwed up, brother interfering reason why. But a reason why nonetheless.

And as much as I'd been hurt, so had Jason. But he'd fought for me, against Nick. Against my fears and rejection. Jason had fought to get back to me.

God, I hoped I could let him back in. I really hoped that I could be everything he needed me to be. Because I was in love with this broken man, and I knew loving him would never be easy.

As I finally drifted off to restless sleep, I heard him murmur, "I'll make it up to you, I promise."

It was a promise I fervently hoped he could keep.

I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want my mind to lift from the delightful fog of dreamland and discover Jason wasn't in my bed. Hadn't been here at all. That everything that had happened in the middle of the night was just a fantasy. And reality was the hell I'd lived in for two whole weeks.

I must have moaned in distress, because the bed shifted beside me and a hot body wrapped around my frame, pulling me close, tucking me beneath his, burying his face in the curve of my neck.

"What's wrong?" Jason asked, and if I could have found my voice right then I would have shouted to the world,
"Nothing's wrong. You're here".

Instead all I could manage was to cling to him as my body shook with relief and the release of pent up angst.

"Baby," Jason murmured, his voice still thick with sleep. I must have woken him. "It's OK. Everything's OK," he whispered, stroking my side, laying kisses between the words on my skin, holding me tight. Then hitting the nail on the head with, "I'm not going anywhere."

A sound escaped my lips, it was painful. Both to my constricted throat and to my recovering lovelorn heart.

"Kate," Jason murmured softly into my hair. "I'm so sorry," he added. "Can you forgive me?"

I concentrated on breathing for a while, on swallowing past my aching throat, until I could finally voice an answer.

"I've already forgiven you, Jason." And it was the truth.

His whole body jerked, then abruptly relaxed, moulding into mine. "Then what's the matter?" he asked, sounding tentative and confused.

"It's forgetting that I'm having trouble with now," I admitted. "I thought you wouldn't be here when I opened my eyes."

His arms tightened around me and he lay a soft kiss on my temple.

"I'm done fighting this," he whispered. "I'm done letting anyone else fight it either. I'm telling you now, if someone tries to get in our way again, I will bulldoze them. I will trample them into the ground and to hell with the consequences. Why the fuck do you think I quit ASI?"

I sat up slightly to look down at him, to get a better idea of what he was feeling by the expression on his face. I thought he'd resigned because he was angry, a knee jerk reaction to Nick interfering in our lives. Was there more to it than that?

He reached up and pushed my hair back off my face so he could see my eyes. His hand cupped the side of my head as he gazed up intently at me. Everything Jason did was intense. And I loved it. And I'd missed it.
Never again.

"He can't hold my job over my head anymore," he explained and my stomach plummeted.

"Tell me," I demanded, mind hardening but my voice belying that emotion with the way it quaked. "Did Nick threaten you with your position at ASI to get you to comply?"

Jason stared at me for so long that I thought he'd decided not to answer. But he must have seen the conviction, the need to know, on my face. He let a long sigh out, something flickering in his eyes. I couldn't tell exactly what it meant, but he did choose to answer honestly, so I assumed it was the decision to not hold anything more back.

"He was trying to protect you." My whole body stiffened, Jason noticed and started soothing me with gentle strokes up and down my arm with the palm of his hand. "I was a mess, Kate. I knew I didn't want to walk away from you, but my mind wasn't making any sense. Nick saw my hesitation and made things pretty clear, helped me to sort it all out in my head."

"He screwed with you!" I almost shouted back. Nick took advantage of Jason's mental state and confusion, and made him do what
he
thought was for the best. I was so angry with my brother, I could hardly draw a breath of air.

"Calm down, baby," Jason murmured. "It's not entirely his fault, now is it? I let him," he added, the words carrying the weight of his guilt and regret. "I fucking let him," he muttered, his eyes drifting away and agony taking up residence on his face.

The anger at Nick I had felt only moments before was replaced with heartache. Jason was a very messed up man. I could see the pain, of caving to Nick, clearly in his features. The disgust at himself, at the weakness he'd shown. Jason fought for control in everything he did. I wondered how he had survived the Army, where as a soldier you had to follow commands or die. Where was the control in that?

It didn't make any sense in my mind. He had thrived in the military, a place where he couldn't exert his demands like he did the rest of his life. How had that worked? And is that why he kowtowed to Nick's demands? Because Nick was his superior and it was ingrained in him to follow his superior's commands without hesitation?

I couldn't contain the questions any longer. I had to figure out at least this part of Jason Cain.

"Why the Army?" I asked, receiving a raised eyebrow at what he thought was a sudden topic change. "I mean," I added, licking my lips to try and moisten my suddenly dry throat. Was it wise to bring this up? Could I cause more damage by taking him back there? "You had to follow commands in the Army," I explained. "You wouldn't have been in charge."

His face relaxed slightly, he didn't exactly smile, but my statement must have made some sense.

"There is a form of control in structure," he said softly. "I knew what was expected of me, what was expected of my men." He paused, his brow furrowing slightly as he thought his next sentence through. "I felt less in control when I left the armed forces, than I had ever felt while following commands."

Structure and control. They went hand in hand for Jason, and he needed them both. ASI would have provided him that structure, Nick liked his business running 'just so'.

"Is that why," I asked tentatively, "Nick was able to influence your decision when he demanded you leave me alone? Because you were expected to follow his directives?"

I held my breath, as his steely chestnut coloured eyes drilled into mine.

"
I
let it happen, Kate. Don't try to make me into something I am not. Nick
was
my boss, I followed his lead, but ASI is not the Army. I could have fought back. I could have argued the point with him. Fuck! I could have been a fucking man and done what I wanted to do from the very start."

He was angry now. With me, for trying to make sense of why he left. For trying to blame Nick instead of him. Jason felt guilt at what he had allowed to happen, at the weakness that he had displayed. He wanted to carry the blame alone, because he saw himself as culpable.

And, he was right, to a certain degree. He could have thrown down the gauntlet and stuck to his beliefs. He could have been a 'man' and stood up to Nick in order to keep being with me. He didn't, so therefore he carried some blame.

But, and dear God help me to make him see this,
he is only human
. And a human who has seen and done more than most. And who, if my guess is right, has suffered psychologically because of it. Jason is entitled to make the odd mistake. Yes, I would have preferred it was a different mistake than the one that broke my heart. But he's trying to correct his mistake now. He's apologised wholeheartedly for hurting me.

I would not be who my parents raised, who I have strived to be my entire life, if I couldn't forgive this fractured man.

I moved until I was kneeling before him. He'd sat upright in bed when he'd released that last tirade. I was now eye level with him, face to face, nothing in between.

"Jason Cain," I said, making sure I had his full attention. "You did me harm," I started, voice soft, but the words cutting. I watched as he flinched. "I have forgiven you," I added, meaning every word, but he didn't relax his stiffened stance. "But I have not forgiven my brother for taking advantage of your mental state and for harming me further." He started frowning. Unsure how to take my words, I think.

I reached over and clasped his hand, entwining my fingers in his.

"There's something about you, Jason," I said, looking down at where my body met his through our touch. "Something that has called to me from the moment I first laid eyes on you. I didn't want there to be. You didn't make it easy." My eyes flicked back up to his. "But it's there and you feel it too. I know you didn't want to walk away," I whispered, as his eyes held mine and I felt myself falling...
falling
. He could do that; make me fall when I shouldn't. "And I also know, that were you not the man you are today, the product of your experiences, you wouldn't have done what Nick suggested so readily."

"Kate," Jason interrupted, preparing to argue the point, to deny that he had suffered in the past, and still did, and that was the cause of his actions. But I wasn't finished.

"You broke me, Jason," I said, reaching over and placing a finger across his lips to still his protests. I felt his whole body shake at my words, at their meaning and truth.

I wasn't saying this to be cruel, to fight back and cause him pain. There was a point to this madness. There was a reason why we'd been through what we had.

"But Jason, don't you see?" I said, leaning forward, to keep his focus on me, on my eyes and nowhere else. "
You
were already broken," I whispered. "How could you not make a human mistake, when you are so very, very human yourself? We both are, and we've got the scars to prove it. But baby," I said, using his nickname for me and watching the dawning awe grace his face as I did, "you've already started healing my break. Please, let me do the same for you."

We stared at each other, inches apart, but still too far away. I wanted to crawl into his lap, to wrap my arms around his neck, to cover him in kisses. To make everything better through my touch and love. But I needed him to hear my words, to accept this as truth. He is only human. And humans are messed up,
fucked up
, basket cases at the best of times. Including me.

"Jason," I said. "Let it go. Let me in. Accept my forgiveness and allow me my anger at Nick. It
is
warranted. The blame of what happened is not yours alone to carry."

He looked at me for a long time, his fingers grazing over my knuckles in the hand he still clasped with his. His eyes moved across my face, taking in every inch of it, while he processed what I'd just said. Then he sighed, offered me a small nod, and pulled on my arm until my lips met his. The kiss was soft and careful, so full of beautiful acceptance that I felt tears sting the backs of my eyes.

"What are you going to do to him?" Jason asked, as he shifted me until I was straddling his lap, my knees either side of his stretched out thighs, my groin flush against his. It was intimate, but not sexual. Neither of us had quite reached that stage after everything we'd faced up to since he'd come back. Still, there was nowhere else I wanted to be, and no amount of space I wanted between us.

"I need to confront him. I won't be happy until I've given him a piece of my mind."

"Will you be armed?" he asked, casually. Too casually. "I only ask, because I'd like to be there if you draw a knife on Nick. I've gotta admit to wanting him to bleed. Just a little."

I chuckled, resting my head down on his shoulder, my breath fanning across his neck as my face curved towards his.

"He doesn't know I've been practising Kombatan. It would be a good way to gain the advantage right off the bat," I said, feeling a lightness begin to enter the room, enter our words. Our hearts.

Jason's body shook with the rumble of laughter through his chest. "Today?" he asked, clearly wanting me to slice into my brother sooner rather than later.

I hesitated. Ah, fudge. I didn't have time to confront Nick today. I had an art studio design to complete on a ridiculously tight time-frame. The only reason I'd accepted this contract was because I could use elements and materials from Mrs Montgomery-Smith's sitting room to hasten the finished product. I usually allowed myself three times as long to complete a design than I had Richard's. But the money was not to be sneezed at.

Which reminded me I had professional reasons to visit ASI, so no doubt about it, this week was going to be jam packed.

"I can't," I explained, laying a soft kiss against Jason's neck and pushing back upright. "I have to finish this blasted concept drawing for Richard's art studio by this evening. I'm going to have to lock myself away in my office all day. I'll have to plan on visiting Nick tomorrow," I added, but I don't think Jason was listening to the rest of my statement, he'd stalled somewhere back near the beginning.

"That fucktard you brought to Gen and Dom's?" Fucktard? I worked to keep my grin contained. Jason was jealous. This was just too good to ignore.

"Yes, he's paying me a fortune to get his showroom ready for opening night in ten," I looked at my watch to check the date, "make that, eight days time. So, I'm going to be very busy for the next week or so. He's a demanding man." I threw that last in to get a reaction. Finally feeling like we were getting back to level ground.

There was still lingering pain and fear, but with every further second with this man, I felt it slipping away. I felt the break that had split me near in two, begin to mend. This was where I was meant to be, and the pain in getting here just made it that much more sweet.

Of course, I hadn't anticipated the reaction I'd actually get to my teasing. My body was thrown through the air and even before it settled on the rebounding mattress, Jason's frame was pressing into me on top. His thigh spreading my legs and rubbing seductively, his hand entangled in my hair and tilting my head to the side, his other holding my chin to ensure my gaze never left the serious look on his face.