Authors: Claire Kent
“Waiting for you.” Her mother was as pale and cold and deadened as the last time she’d seen her, almost a month ago now.
“Have you been living here?”
“No. But I’ve been keeping tabs on you, and I thought you might drop by yesterday or today, since you’ve walked out on him, so I came here to wait.”
Kelly took a couple of deep breaths and walked over to sit on the chair across from her mother. “What do you want?”
“I want to hear an update. Why haven’t you replied to any of my messages? Why did you leave him?”
She’d known her mother would be angry and disappointed, which is why she’d been trying to avoid her. Her mother’s entire life had been shaped around this one grief, this one loss, and even her daughter had been made a victim of it. This was the last thing Kelly was equipped to deal with now. “I needed some space. I don’t think you understand how hard this thing is for me to do.”
“Why is it hard? So, you had to fuck him. You’ve used your body before.”
“Not like this.”
Her mother was peering at her with a scary sort of scrutiny. “You’ve fallen in love with the monster.”
The tone was horrified, outraged, utterly betrayed, and it felt like a physical blow. Kelly winced and looked away.
“Ungrateful, disloyal little bitch,” her mother muttered.
And that just made Kelly angry. She stiffened in her chair and glared back at her mother. “You can call me anything you want. It won’t come close to what I think of you. Did Jack Martin tell you that Caleb might not even be guilty of Dad’s murder? I bet he did, and you just ignored it. Well, you can continue your narrow, foolish vendetta if you want, ignoring the fact that you might have been going after the wrong person from the very beginning. You can ignore any flicker of humanity you have left in your cold, dead heart. But I’m not willing to do so. And I don’t think Dad would have wanted me to. I’m not going to bring a man down if he isn’t guilty of the crime.”
“He is guilty. You’re just deceiving yourself because you don’t want him to be. But what do you think will happen when he finds out what you’ve been doing? There’s no sappy romantic honeymoon waiting for you. You know what he’s like now. You know it more deeply than anyone. And do you think he’ll have mercy on you, after you’ve betrayed him so deeply, when he’s never had mercy on anyone who has ever stood in his way?”
It was true. Kelly knew it was true. If Caleb ever found out what she’d done and why she’d done it, his hatred would burn hotter toward her than it had ever burned for anyone before. No one had ever betrayed Caleb the way she had.
But it didn’t matter. She wasn’t after a happy ending here. She’d never been after a happy ending. She knew what she wanted now, what she needed, the only thing that could possibly allow her to take a step forward after today.
“I’m not looking for mercy,” she said, standing up because she’d finally decided. “I’m not looking for grace or forgiveness or love or rosy sunsets. Those things belong in a different world than this one. But I want the truth, and I think I might be able to find it. And I want to heal, and I’ll never even start unless I can dig down deep, to the very first wound. For that, I need real answers.”
Her mother looked surprised and a little confused, and she stood up so she was on a level with her daughter. “If you tell Caleb the truth, you’ll never get any answers. You’ll never get anywhere at all.”
“I know that. I’m not going to tell him the truth.” She felt full of confidence now, direction, a bleak sort of peace. Full of anger and heartbreak and grief. “Not that truth, anyway. I’m going to go back to him. I’d rather be all the way broken—if it means that one day I might be whole—than keep living this half-broken life forever.”
“So you
are
going to go back? You are going to do what we planned?”
“I’m going to find out the truth.”
“Even if it means breaking him?”
“Even if it means breaking myself.”
That evening Kelly and Reese were watching TV again, and Kelly was trying to come up with a way to go back to Caleb.
She’d crushed him a couple of days ago, and he might not want to forgive her. He might not want to take her back.
But, if she was ever going to get to the truth, she needed to figure out some way to reconcile with him.
She’d come up with nothing but a lot of silly ideas that would never work when there was a knock on the door.
Reese got up to look through the peephole. She came back to the couch with the strangest expression. “I think it’s for you.”
Frowning, Kelly got up and went to look, then understood the reason for Reese’s strange expression.
It was Caleb. Standing right outside the door.
Kelly froze in a moment of pure terror, but took a few breaths, and centered herself. She hadn’t conjured him with her thoughts. He just happened to have chosen this moment to turn up.
Kelly opened the door, feeling sloppy and unattractive in her faded jeans and white T-shirt, with bare feet, no makeup, and her hair pulled up messily with a clip at the back of her head.
Caleb was standing in the hallway, calm and composed. He looked characteristically handsome and sophisticated in another one of his business suits. He’d probably come over after work.
“Hi,” he said softly.
Kelly glanced at the floor, then back up at him quickly, trying to think but only aware of a wash of pleasure, comfort, and excitement at his presence. “Hi.”
“I know you said you needed some space,” he murmured, his expression revealing nothing but a questioning mildness, as if he was reining in all of his powerful feelings. “But you said maybe we could work it out later, and I was hoping that later could be now.”
Her heart started to hammer as she realized that he wanted her back. He’d made a step here that she’d never expected him to make—putting aside his pride and resentment to come to her.
It made things easier for her, in one way. And so much harder, in another. This was what she’d needed to happen, but it was also concrete evidence that Caleb felt for her so much more than she’d ever believed was possible.
He had fallen for her. All the way. So much so that he had changed.
She nodded. “Now is okay. I was thinking about—I was trying to figure out a way to see you again myself.”
Caleb’s eyes softened in what might have been relief, but the expression was so fleeting it was hard to pin down. Kelly glanced back at Reese, who was sitting on the couch, watching them with open curiosity.
Kelly cleared her throat. “Maybe we can take a walk.”
“Sounds good to me.”
She put her shoes on, waved at Reese, and then closed the apartment door behind her. They stood in the middle of the hall, staring self-consciously at each other. Until finally Kelly said, “How did you know I was here?”
Caleb raised an eyebrow, answering her without words.
“Right,” she said, realizing the answer to her own question. “You have a team who is very good at locating people. Have you been having me followed this whole time?” As she asked the question, she felt a little tremble of fear.
“No. I was angry at first, and I thought I would just let you go,” Caleb explained, nothing emotional or dramatic in his voice or on his face. He started to walk down the hall, so she fell in step with him. “But then I discovered that I couldn’t.”
“Couldn’t what?” Her mind was aching, trying to find the right words to say to him.
“Couldn’t let you go.” He stepped into the elevator and watched her as she followed. He didn’t look at all upset, and his hands, his fingers, were relaxed at his sides.
“Oh,” was all she could think of to say.
“I’m not trying to rush you. I would just like to know if there’s even any hope.”
Despite his cool composure, Kelly knew exactly how hard that had been for him to say. It went against his nature—against the way he’d learned to deal with the world—to make himself vulnerable enough to even ask for hope.
She wished she could reward him, give him some sort of consolation. But there was far too much going on here. “Hope?” she asked faintly, still stalling for the right words.
For the first time, Caleb’s face twisted just slightly. “So you don’t think there is any? I thought you said you were thinking about talking to me.”
“I was. But, to tell you the truth, I don’t really know what to hope for. Everything seems to be so—so twisted up between us. I know it’s my fault,” she added hurriedly, since he wouldn’t know most of what had twisted things. “And all my mess from—from my past. But still, I don’t know.”
The elevator had reached the ground floor, and they both got off. They stood facing each other in the lobby.
“I know it was all too messy,” Caleb replied, his voice a little bit thicker. “But I don’t think it has to be. You feel the same way I do. I know you do. The last time we were together…meant something. You can’t pretend that it didn’t.”
He looked so different than she was used to seeing him, and it wasn’t just the setting. In some inexplicable way, he’d lost some of his impenetrability. Some of his untouchable distance.
It wasn’t that he looked tender or sappy or loving or weak.
But, at the moment, he looked almost young.
Closing her eyes, she said, the words nearly a plea, “Caleb, it did. I do. But it’s so much more complicated than that, for me.”
If she were smart, she wouldn’t be putting up any resistance. She knew she needed to get back together with Caleb, if she ever hoped to uncover the truth, so none of this was helping her agenda.
But she had to be honest with him. As honest as she possibly could.
He took a step closer to her but didn’t move to touch her. “It’s complicated for me too. I know I’m not the man you might want me to be, for a serious relationship. But I want you so much, I don’t care. I want you, Kelly, and I can try to change, if you need me to. All of me is yours.”
She was almost choking as she heard the words, which touched the deepest desires of her heart. She swayed on her feet.
Caleb raised a hand and cupped her cheek. “Are you going to faint?”
She shook with amusement, just on the edge of grief. “I don’t think so.”
“Well, you might consider it.” The corner of his mouth twitched and his eyebrows slanted up in irrepressible irony. “This is my grand, dramatic gesture, and it would be nice to have such a profound response from you for my efforts.”
Kelly laughed for real, and then she couldn’t seem to stop. After a minute, it mingled with tears, and he pulled her into his arms so she half laughed, half sobbed against his chest.
Eventually, she got herself under control and was able to straighten up. He loosened his arms, but his hands still rested on her hips.
“So was that a yes?” he asked, searching her face with brown eyes. “Do you think we could try?”
She nodded, ecstatic and despairing at the same time. “Let’s try.”
With a muffled groan, Caleb pulled her into an urgent embrace. He clutched at her desperately, finally unleashing a little of his pent-up feelings. She was shaking against him and fisting her hands in his shirt. He was murmuring against her neck. His words were incoherent, but she thought that maybe she could understand them.
The moment couldn’t last forever, so eventually they pulled apart. They were still standing in the lobby of Reese’s building, and her doorman was giving them the eye.
“So what now?” Kelly asked, having absolutely no idea how she was supposed to feel at this moment.
Caleb smiled, looking like himself again—cool, confident, intelligent, so sexy he took her breath away. “Well, I was wondering if you might want to go out on a date.”
Caleb couldn’t remember ever really being with someone. Genuinely
with
them—in heart as well as body.
Well, he did remember. And then he’d lost her—when he was still just a boy. And he’d certainly never felt that way with anyone since.
Until now. Until Kelly.
He wasn’t fool enough to think that one experience—that one person—would change the whole course of his life. It might feel that way occasionally, but he wasn’t really any different than he’d been just yesterday, than he’d been a month ago. Nothing had softened or weakened about him in the last two weeks, since he’d shown up on Kelly’s doorstep in an act that had surprised even him.
He’d been miserable in the two days she’d walked away from him, but he’d never dreamed he’d want someone enough to work to get her back.
He wasn’t really different now. He just felt something new when he woke up in the morning, when he went to check his phone, when he got his stuff together after work.
Like there might be someone to talk to.
He’d gone out with Kelly several times in the last two weeks—taking her to the movies, to dinner, to the ballet. They’d had lunch together several times, and she’d come out to his place on Saturday, taking the trip to the park with Ralph, and then just hanging out for most of the day. She’d even allowed him to have Pete stick with her to keep her safe.
But they hadn’t yet had sex.
He had no real idea why she was hesitating, although she’d said several times that she wanted to take it a little bit slow. He was willing to do that. He could almost understand it. But she’d never been reticent about sex before, and he was ready to get back into it. The constant frustration—from being around her, surrounded by her, for two weeks, without being able to bury himself inside her—was putting a bit of a damper on his mood.
He was trying to be patient, but he wasn’t used to holding back from what he wanted. And he wanted her. So much. More now than ever.
A few days ago, they’d been kissing after dinner, and he’d gotten so hard that she’d slipped her fingers in his pants and gotten him off with her hand.
It wasn’t bad. Not at all. But it wasn’t nearly enough.
So, when, on the second Saturday after they’d gotten back together, she spent the day with him and stayed on into the evening, watching a couple of old movies, he was starting to get his hopes up.
It was late when the last movie ended, and he asked if she wanted to stay the night.
“Really?” she asked, hiding her eyes behind her hair in a way that was tantalizing, irresistible.
“Of course. I’ll even give you one of my shirts to sleep in, if you want.”
Twenty minutes later, she was sitting on his bed with her legs tucked up under her, wearing nothing but one of his blue oxford shirts that managed to look both innocent and sexy, and asked him if he was sure it was all right that she sleep with him when she wasn’t yet ready for sex. Caleb hid a surge of disappointment and said that of course she could.
He was rewarded when her worry transformed into smiling, tender warmth. Her hair was a lovely, erotic cascade all over her back and shoulders. And her smooth, graceful legs were folded almost provocatively, leading up to the sensuous curve of her hips.
Caleb ached for her—his body, his heart, everything. But he schooled his expression so that she wouldn’t see his frustration. And, after he took off his clothes, he pulled on a pair of gray pajama pants, even though he preferred not to wear them.
He turned out the light and got under the covers beside Kelly.
She shifted to her side and brushed her hair out of her face. “Are you getting annoyed with waiting for me?”
She looked so worried, even in the dark, that Caleb couldn’t help but smile. “It’s only been two weeks. I’m not such an ass that I can’t manage to refrain from sex for a couple of weeks.”
He
was
such an ass. He had been since he’d hit puberty. But he’d told her he was willing to change, if he could, and he’d meant it—so he could hardly back out now.
Her mouth softened in an answering smile. “I suppose not. But I think this is different. I’m really not intending to tease and torture you, you know.” Her hand slipped up to his chest, and she rubbed it, more affectionate than erotic.
“I didn’t think you were,” he assured her, enjoying her touch in whatever form it took. “I know you’ve been all torn up by everything that’s happened. It makes sense that you don’t want to rush into anything too soon.”
She opened her mouth, as if to object. But then she closed it, and instead leaned over and pressed a soft kiss into his neck.
Caleb experienced another pang of disappointment that she still didn’t trust him enough to truly tell him why she was stalling.
When Kelly pulled back, her face was natural and relaxed. “I need to start rounding up some more clients, I think. Taking most of the month off kind of stalled my momentum.”
Caleb gave her a dry half smile, thinking of the business acquaintance with a full-size poodle he’d suggested get a portrait made from Kelly. “I already got you a perfectly good client.”
Kelly giggled and gave him a teasing slap on his bare chest. “Idiot. Like I would take a client you bullied into using my services.”
He managed to maintain a smug expression. “As if I would do anything so crass as bully someone.”
Kelly seemed to appreciate his pretense at arrogance. She chuckled huskily and pulled him into a soft hug. “I love it when you act all cool and superior.”
He loved when she was like this. Loved how she wanted to be close to him. Loved that it felt so real, so natural—so inexplicably different than the way they were before, as if something inside her had melted or relaxed.
But her fond affection did make it difficult for Caleb to maintain his patience and self-control. When his body instinctively reacted to the feel of her soft curves against him, he pulled away gently. Clearing his throat, he replied, “What do you mean? There’s no act here. I
am
cool and superior.”
She giggled deliciously and didn’t try to nestle against him again.
Since she was in a talkative, affectionate mood, he risked a question. “And, since I’m so cool and superior, have you thought any more about giving me more information on this guy from your past?”
He felt her grow very still beside him. “Caleb—”
“I’m just asking.”
“I know. But I’m wondering if he’s giving up on me again. Nothing has happened since that one attack.”
“I know that. But I’ve been protecting you all this time, with the exception of the two days you left me, so he may not have had an opportunity. You can’t just ignore men like him. They always come back. They’ll always remain a threat until they’re dealt with.”
“But I don’t want you involved any more than you already are. I don’t want to put you in danger.”
“Why do you assume I’m in danger from him? He’s much more likely to be in danger from me.” His voice had taken on a certain chill, but there was no way he could hide it.
She swallowed so hard he could see it. “Caleb, please.”
“I’m serious, Kelly. I know people. I have resources. I could make a call and have the whole thing taken care of.”
She didn’t answer, but he felt her trembling in the bed beside him.
“It’s true.”
“I know it’s true,” she whispered.
“Does that scare you?”
“A little.”
He felt something painful clamp down on his heart. “Does that scare you away?”
She shook her head. “No. I’m not going anywhere.”
He let out a breath, amazed that someone could know him so well, so deeply, and stay by his side in spite of that. He reached out to pull her against him, holding her close since it was the only way he had at the moment for expressing his feelings.
He wanted to do so much more, but that wasn’t yet being offered.
It was still dark when Caleb woke up.
Blinking, he adjusted to the darkened room and glanced over at the bedside clock. 4:15. He usually woke up naturally at dawn, so he wondered what had woken him up now.
Then he heard it.
Kelly moaned beside him.
Rolling over quickly, he peered at her, his senses immediately alert. She was lying on her back, her hair a tousled mess around her. She was still sleeping, but the covers had slipped down to her waist.
The shirt had come unbuttoned and was revealing a lot of her neck and one shoulder, and one of her arms was draped over her belly.
As he watched, she moaned again, her features tightening for a moment with the sound.
Caleb couldn’t tell if it was a nightmare or an erotic dream, but his body reacted to the low, throaty sound of her groan.
She gave a little grunt and her body shifted on the bed. When his eyes slid lower, he could faintly see that her nipples were tight and were poking out wantonly through the cotton.
Smothering a groan of his own, Caleb felt his cock start to harden.
“Eh,” Kelly huffed in her sleep, her head tossing gently on the pillow.
Caleb’s body was suddenly way too hot, so he pushed the covers down impatiently.
Kelly’s arm flew up, from her belly to the pillow above her head, and she gasped in vague response before she grunted softly again.
Caleb was almost fully erect now, and he was hard-pressed not to reach down to his own cock. Kelly must be having an erotic dream. She must. She made those kinds of noises when she was close to orgasm.
He was considering waking her up when her body jerked again. “No, no, no,” she mumbled, still in her dream.
Caleb’s spine stiffened, and his heart lurched painfully. It must not be a good dream after all.
Reaching over, he gently shook Kelly by the shoulder. “Kelly. Kelly, wake up.”
“No,” Kelly gasped, flailing in response to his touch. “No! Murderer.”
He flinched at the word. “Kelly!” he said sharply, needing her to wake up because he couldn’t stand to hear her sound so helpless.
Her eyes flew open on a frantic huff, and she gaped at him.
“You were dreaming,” he explained thickly, torn between concern and hot arousal.
“Oh,” she panted, staring at him blindly. After a moment, she whimpered a little and burrowed into him.
He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. “Was it bad?” he asked.
She was shaking and gasping against him, but he could swear that she was aroused. Her body just
felt
aroused as she squirmed against him.
Or maybe it was merely wishful thinking.
He tried not to let himself hope, since she’d clearly just had a bad dream. But his body was hoping, was throbbing, anyway.
“It was”—she began shakily—“it was
intense
.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
It took Kelly a minute to get herself together enough to explain. “You know I’ve had issues with men in the past.”
Caleb tensed up involuntarily.
She went on, although she must have felt his response. “So, sometimes what should just be a nice sexy dream turns into—something else.”
She sounded so small and broken that he dropped any hope of having sex right now. Instead, he rocked her against him. He felt too much to try to say anything, since all of this was so painfully new to him.
It seemed like he didn’t have to say anything. Kelly whispered, “Thanks, Caleb. I was so relieved to wake up and remember where I am now.”
It soothed something in his chest, despite his damned aching cock. He kept holding her against him, until her shuddering angst had eased up.
And then, before he knew to expect it, her hand started fumbling down between them. Slid under the waistband of his loose pajama pants and closed on his erection.
“Kelly,” he rasped as he felt her cool fingers against his hot flesh.
She pressed against him, until his cock was trapped between the pressure of her hand and his lower belly. He sucked in a breath and tried not to buck his hips against her touch.
“I’m sorry I’m so fucked up, Caleb,” she whispered, her palm rubbing firmly up and down his length.
Caleb couldn’t restrain a guttural exclamation of pleasure as his breathing hitched and accelerated. “Kelly,” he forced out. “It’s fine. I’m fucked up enough myself. If you don’t want to—” He had to bite his lip hard as her fingers gently fondled the head of his shaft.
“See,” Kelly began hoarsely. “That’s the thing.”
She released his cock, which made Caleb grunt in disappointment. But then she found one of his hands, and guided it down between her legs, after slipping it under the waistband of her underwear.
Caleb grunted again when he realized that she was hot and wet. Feeling a new urgency to the pressure of arousal inside him, he moved his fingers, sliding them against the slick warmth of her pussy.
Kelly sucked in her breath and squirmed insistently against his hand.
“Kelly?” he asked. He had no idea what was going on, and he was almost afraid to hope.
“I’m scared, Caleb,” Kelly whispered.
Caleb’s hand grew still between her legs, but he couldn’t bring himself to move it away. “What are you scared of?”
He didn’t understand. If only he knew what was scaring her, he could start to make it better.
She reached up to hold on to his shoulders, as if she needed to cling to something. “It’s going to sound stupid.”
He stroked her again, before he could stop himself, making her gasp sharply in pleasure. She was so wet for him—from her dream or from his touch now—that his fingers were coated with her moisture. He didn’t slide a finger inside her, but he rubbed the length of his fingers between the folds of her flesh. She winced in response, grinding her arousal against his hand in naked need.
It felt like ages since he’d pleased her this way.
“Tell me anyway,” he insisted huskily.
Her face twisted reluctantly as her frenzied motion against his hand grew still. She explained in a self-conscious mumble, “It was so intense last time. So real. I’m afraid it’s going to be just as real this time.”
Caleb inhaled at the sudden clench in his heart. He felt an intense surge of understanding, desire, tenderness, pride.