But apparently not because it’s the first thing she says. “He’s really sweet.”
So I agree wholeheartedly. “He totally is. I’m just surprised.”
Amelia meets my eyes in the mirror. “You may go for that whole bad-boy thing, but I’m over it. Trust me. I’ve been there, done that.”
I scowl at her. “What are you talking about?”
“Who’s that guy on that TV show you like? He’s an ass.”
“I think he’s good-looking. There’s a huge difference between thinking someone’s hot and wanting to date them.”
She puts her hands on her hips and faces me. “So if Finn made a move, you wouldn’t be into it?”
A blush inches across my cheeks. “We’re friends. I told you that.”
“That’s not what I asked. What would you do if he wanted to hook up?”
I think about this before I answer her. Not that I haven’t thought about it a hundred times before, but I’ve never said it to anyone but Mindy and it feels like a huge leap of faith to confide in someone I’m not sure I trust very much.
“I don’t know. I mean, okay, yeah, I’d probably go for it, but we’re friends. And I think he’s a better friend than he is a boyfriend.”
“You think?” Amelia gives a dismissive shake of her head.
Exactly why I didn’t want to tell her. Fool me once… “Yeah, well. It’s irrelevant.”
“It’s that whole damaged thing, isn’t it?” Amelia looks at me. “Trust me, it’s hot at the beginning, but it gets old.”
“It’s not like that.” I start to say more but stop. Because Amelia’s right, although I wouldn’t have ever used that word before she said it. But it’s there in the things he won’t talk about and the way his face changes when he talks about his family. If he talks about them at all. Which is practically never. And it’s not just the father/ ex-girlfriend thing, although the one time I brought it up, he completely shut down and I learned my lesson. That’s off-limits.
Just like Mom’s cancer is off-limits. I don’t mind talking about Mom, but the cancer is a different story. He asked me one day what it was like, knowing she was going to die. He hadn’t meant it maliciously, but I couldn’t handle it and walked off, leaving him in the middle of the station in Shinagawa. He’s never brought it up again.
Amelia paints on her pink lipstick and smiles at herself in the mirror to make sure there’s none on her teeth. “Okay, whatever. We’re meeting everyone at the pier in half an hour, so let’s go.”
I take one final glance at myself in the mirror. My eyes are still bloodshot from the pool, so I look sort of like I’ve been crying, and I feel a plain Jane in my green shirtdress next to Amelia, but it’s as good as it’s going to get. Still, I can’t help noticing how both Finn and Akihiro check out Amelia when we join them in the lobby. Not only is her hair gorgeous, but she wears a low-cut black tank and a jersey skirt that clings in all the right places to her size-four butt. Between the two of us, she looks like she’s dressed for a night out, and I look like I’m ready for a day at the playground. For the tenth time, I chastise myself for not keeping up with my laundry. My pink dress from Nadia in Harajuku would’ve been perfect if it wasn’t sitting in my pile of dirty clothes.
My confidence plummets further when we walk into the bar/restaurant at the pier. It’s Friday night, and to say it’s crowded is a huge understatement. Groups of men laugh near the bar, downing beer and sake. Most have their ties loosened but their jackets stay on, giving them an air of composure, even as their faces redden. Even the girls still in their “office lady” uniforms look smart, with their perfect makeup and crisp white collars. We join the group Amelia and Akihiro have arranged to meet—others from the bank, including Naoko and Yudai—and bags are stowed, drinks bought, and everyone is laughing.
Except me. I try, but I can’t get into it. My conversation with Amelia churns in my stomach like a plate of greasy fries at the state fair. I don’t want to like Finn, and I definitely shouldn’t wish for more. We’re friends and that needs to be enough.
At least I get to nurse an Asahi beer while I mentally list all the ways he’s wrong for me. Damaged tops the list because I can’t stop thinking it now. His closet is lined with skeletons, the kind that make him hard and cold. And, granted, I’ve only seen flickers in the way his jaw tightens and his hands clench, but could I handle being closer to him and having him shut me out the same way? Or worse?
No. Plain and simple. No. He said himself that he was a four on the honesty scale, and giving up whatever ghost he’s holding on to is going to take a ten. At least.
About an hour in, Finn comes up and leans against the bar beside me.
“Speak of the devil,” I murmur.
He bends down close to my ear. “You all right?”
“Sure. You?” His elbow grazes my arm, and he moves it away.
“You look…disinterested.”
I can’t believe he’s noticed. He’s been laughing and talking the whole time. He likes these group dinner/drinks things, which always strikes me as odd. But Tokyo is an extension of the whole strangers-on-the-airplane metaphor. Ten weeks total and we scatter. No obligation, no promises. He’s actually said that, if not word for word, then close enough.
Three weeks in, I’ve managed not to ask if that philosophy extends to me. It probably does. I push the thought away, but it has everything to do with why the next words come out of my mouth.
“Amelia says Naoko’s got a thing for you.”
Finn’s eyes flit over to her and back to me. “Really?”
I can’t tell if that’s an interested “really” or a disbelieving “really” so I shrug. “Supposedly.”
“Good to know.” His attention zeroes in back on me. “So what’s wrong?”
For a second, I think he’s asking about Naoko, that he can tell how much I hate it. But then I remind myself he has no idea and let out a long sigh. “I don’t know.”
“Are you sure?” Finn’s not the kind of person who tries to make a joke to get past something. He’ll wade through the discomfort, which I kind of admire.
I, however, have years of practice covering up my real feelings and turn a big fake smile on him. “I think I’m still reeling from my epic win in the pool earlier.”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” He shakes his head. “I have a proposition for you. How about instead of Tsukiji we go to Kamakura tomorrow?”
“Why?” Kamakura is the old capital city of Japan. It’s only forty minutes away, but there’s a lot to see and it’s definitely an all-day thing. Finn and I have spent a good amount of time together, but not all day. A lunch. Coffee. A specific place to go sightseeing. A few hours max. “Are you trying to bail on getting up early?”
“Maybe you could do with getting out of here, that’s all. See some green, see some temples…”
“There’s a tree outside the station,” I start and then stop because it sounds like I’m blowing off his suggestion. And I’m not. Even if common sense tells me that’s exactly what I should be doing. “But Kamakura sounds great.”
He smiles like he didn’t expect me to agree. “Okay. Eight o’clock early enough for you? I’ll meet you at yours?”
I nod as Akihiro comes up to grab another drink, and it’s not long before we’re all seated at one of those long communal tables. The food comes and goes quickly, and I start to feel better, laughing with Yudai and Amelia. Until I glimpse Finn out of the corner of my eye.
The girl next to him is more or less sitting on his lap, and his arm rests on her lower back. Her head is bent close to his and her sheet of black hair hides their faces, but from this angle, they’re either kissing or they will be.
My gaze flickers around the table. It’s not Naoko, although she’s noticed, too. I wonder how similar my expression is to hers because she looks like she might throw up or cry. Even as I’m telling myself it’s none of my business, I make excuses to Amelia. I don’t fool her, but she doesn’t say anything when I tell her I’ve promised my dad I’ll be home early and slip away from the table.
I pretty much run down the pier once I’m outside. When I press the button on my phone to check the time, I can’t believe it’s only 8:30. The night’s just getting started. I bite my cheek to stop the next thought. It’s none of my business. We’re friends and I just spent a good long time reminding myself why we should stay friends. Just friends. But, dammit, I still feel like I got kicked in the gut. I can’t think about what was happening back there or how I feel about it.
So I don’t. Because if there’s one thing I can do, it’s compartmentalize. When Mom got sick, I didn’t miss a day of school until the end. And even then, I went back to school three days after the funeral. Babci and Dad told me I should take my time, but school let me have six hours a day when I could forget, when I could pretend Mom was still waiting for me at home, ready to offer me a snack and ask about my day. I didn’t want to think then and I don’t want to think now, so I plug my headphones into my phone, turn on my music, and walk.
It takes me a while to get home. I haven’t spent much time at Yokohama Pier, so I have to double back a few times. I stop at the shop next to the station and buy some Doritos. Even though I’m not hungry, I open the bag as I walk and eat a few chips, just for the crunch. They taste like home, uncomplicated and familiar. Everything Finn is not.
I’ve eaten a quarter of the bag by the time I turn my key in the lock and walk right in on Dad and Eloise, sitting close on the floor at the
kotatsu
eating sushi. From the way Eloise’s legs are draped across Dad’s, they clearly weren’t expecting company.
“Hi, honey,” Dad says as Eloise tries to untangle her legs.
“Hey. Sorry. I didn’t realize you—”
“No, it’s fine. Are you hungry?” He inches away from Eloise a bit and glances past me to the still-open door. “Is Finn with you?”
“No. He, um, stayed out.”
Eloise raises her eyebrows. “Is he all right?”
Oh, yes. Yes, I’m sure he’s fine. To her, I say, “Yeah, I was just…tired.”
Eloise and Dad exchange a look, although it’s Eloise who asks me, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Look, don’t let me interrupt. I’m going to try to Skype Mindy since it’s early there. Maybe she’s not with her campers yet.”
I give them a mechanical smile and go into my room and close the door. I’m powering up the laptop when there’s a knock. To my surprise, it’s Eloise standing there, not Dad.
“Um, hi.” If Dad sent her in here thinking she’s some kind of Mom substitute, I’m going to kill him.
“Finn cares about you a great deal.” Her black hair sort of glows blue with the light behind it.
I actually don’t doubt that. “Yeah, look, I just…”
She continues as if I haven’t spoken. “He’s had a hard road. You’re the first worthwhile thing that’s happened to him in a long time.”
I stare at her. I don’t really feel like explaining to Finn’s mother that I haven’t happened to Finn. Nothing, in fact, has happened.
Eloise seems to take my silence as agreement because she smiles. “That said there’s no reason for him to act like an asshole.”
I shrug a little. “He’s always perfectly nice to me. Eloise, really…” I pause, trying to find the right words that won’t incriminate me. This is Finn’s mom. Not mine. “It’s not that kind of thing.”
“Zosia.” The way she says my name tells me she knows it’s exactly that kind of thing. At least to me.
“We’re friends.” I say it, but it’s less forceful.
Eloise hears the missing word loud and clear. “If you were just friends, you’d say that. Both of you.”
She gives me one last look and closes the door softly behind her. I hear her and Dad talking softly for a bit before the front door closes and Dad knocks at my door.
“Hey.” He pokes his head in without waiting for my okay. “Eloise said something happened with Finn?”
My annoyance flares again. “No. It didn’t.”
“She just said you seemed upset with him.” Dad pauses, but not long enough for me to say anything. “Look, Zo, I’m glad you two get along, but maybe you want to expand your social circle a little. I mean, Finn’s a good kid, but he’s just…He’s had a rough time…”
“So I’ve heard.”
Dad ignores the sarcasm in my voice. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“How would I get hurt?”
“Zo, you have a certain tone. When you like someone…”
My words back to bite me. Just what I need. “I told Eloise and I’ll tell you: it’s not that kind of thing. We’re friends. Friends. Friends. Friends.”
“Good. Well, I’d like it to stay that way. I don’t want you dating him, Zo. Or thinking you want to.” Dad’s tone stiffens just enough for me to get defensive.
“Why not?” Dad has never been one to lay down the law with me. Not that I’ve ever given him cause to.
“He has a rough past, and I don’t want you mixed up with that.” Dad’s eyes flash at me, hard and shiny like a new dime.
“Some people might say I’ve had a rough past, too,” I say.
“It’s not the same thing. You didn’t end up in juvenile detention. And, fine, he said the knife…” Dad catches the look on my face. Wide-eyed disbelief. The realization that I don’t know, that Finn hasn’t told me any of this, stops him cold. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t want you dating him.”
The confrontation is on the tip of my tongue. The
or what?
that will make him put a stake in the ground. But I back away from it. “We’re not dating, Dad. I told you. We’re friends. It’s fine.”
“Good.” He nods like that settles it and takes a deep breath. “So what are you doing tomorrow?”
Dad, who’s been so wrapped up in work he hardly knows how I spend my days chooses now to ask? I have a feeling he won’t appreciate me going with Finn no matter whether we’re friends or not, and the half-truth slides off my tongue. “Um, going to Kamakura. It’s supposed to be really cool.”
“Oh, good. Is Amelia going? She was talking about Kamakura just the other day.”
“Yeah. Yeah, it was her idea, actually.” Right into a full-on lie. I reach for my
Lonely Planet
on the shelf next to my futon so I don’t have to look at him. “I said I’d look up what the major sights are so we’d be sure to see everything.”
“Great idea.” If Dad thinks I’m lying, he’s not showing it. “I’ve got to finish a couple docs for work anyway. Have fun.”