Sympathy for the Devil (52 page)

For whatever the alumni say

About the university way

This fact is indisputable:

That it's a storehouse of knowledge

Because none of it ever leaks out.

Wagner
: None of it ever leaks out

It's sealed in weighty books where

It's a heavy-duty obligation

To open even one

That old humanistic science

That new deconstructive fun

I've been searching for it full time

But a glimpse of a pretty ankle

Is all I've ever won.

Faustus
: Take the kid's word, he should know

I'm the door that he can't peek through

Can't storm or even leak through

Can't speculate or guess, no

Students aren't here to be blessed, so

Forget the father confessor

I'm the universal professor.

Still I don't want to be inhospitable

'twould be pitiful, Bro' Albergus.

Leave ambition on the doorstep

And I'm the honcho, at your service.

But just don't mess with the Wittenberg Man

The Hottest Burgher in all of Germany.

He knows where your body's buried

Or meant to be.

Albergus
: I take your point, noble Faustus. But my questions were entirely innocent.

Faustus
: But late at night, lights turned low, when you're alone with your answers? That's a different story!

Albergus
: My dear colleague! There's no need to treat me like a mountebank.

Faustus
: Oh, so now it's high finance? Well, money means nothing here, friend.

Albergus
: Why must you keep speaking of money?

Faustus
: This is a public university. What else are we going to talk about? You'll learn soon enough that a little Latin goes a long way in this institution. There used to be a little Latin around here, but he went away. That's how I got this job. You look a little Latin yourself, and I wish you'd gone with him. You foreign scholars want to dance to the music without paying the piper. And what does it get you? Asparagus, or contract bridge. But a card like you could care less who maintains the bridge contract, as long as you can pass water under it. Speaking of contracts, what makes you think you're going to get your hands on mine?

Albergus
: I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

Faustus
: If you're so sure, why aren't you rich? You brute! No, don't try to apologize!

Albergus
: I didn't come here to be insulted.

Faustus
: This is a good place for it. Where do you usually go?

Albergus stands, throwing down his napkin.

Albergus
: I
beg
your pardon?

Faustus
: Don't grovel, I can't pardon you. You'll have to talk to the Pope. Too bad, I hear he's not much of an audience. Well, it's certainly been a pleasure talking to myself this evening. I must visit myself more often. As for you, sir, I want you to remember that scholarship is as scholarship does, and neither does my wife, if I had one, which I don't. Nor do my children, if I had any, who would be proud of me for saying so. Now get out!

Albergus leaves in a huff. Faustus goes to his side of the table, sits in his chair, takes a bite out of a chicken leg from Albergus's plate and sips his wine.

Clock
: TEN O'CLOCK. ALL IS WELL.

Faustus holds out his cup to Wagner.

Faustus
: More wine, boy.

Scene Two

Scene opens in Albergus's room at The Boar's Bollocks inn. Albergus is at his table composing a report for the Pope.

Albergus
: When will those students arrive?

Bateman
: They should be here soon.

Albergus
: They're completely reliable men?

Bateman
: As a logician, you realize as well as I that such judgments are necessarily subjective.

Albergus
: Never mind logic. Stick to the facts.

Bateman
: They're men. I would say that's a completely reliable statement.

Albergus seals the letter, hands it to Bateman.

Albergus
: Fair enough. Send this off to the Pope.

Bateman leaves. A knock comes at the door.

Albergus
: Enter.

The door opens and two sloppy men come in. The darker of the two,
Dicolini,
wears a black hat that comes to a point that hints at the pointed skull beneath it. His coat is shabby and two sizes too small. He wears an expression of small-minded guile. His companion
Robin's
face is round and empty as the full moon. His ragged clothes are even shabbier than Dicolini's if that is possible. He smells like a fishmonger and a mass of curly red hair explodes from beneath his floppy hat. They come forward in unison, hands extended.

Albergus
: Noble Robin and gentle Dicolini, welcome!

Robin shakes his hand. Albergus recoils, draws back his hand and finds he is holding a dead fish. Robin contorts in silent laughter, slaps his knee. Albergus throws down the fish. Robin looks offended.

Dicolini
: Atsa some joke, eh boss?

Albergus
: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Let us speak of our business. I have called you here because you are brother scholars, acquainted with the university, and students of the renowned Doctor Faustus. I have also heard that you are available for delicate work and for a reasonable fee can keep your mouths shut. I trust I have not been mislead?

Dicolini
: I keepa my mouth shut for nothing. Robin, his mouth cost extra.

Robin opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue, from which a price tag dangles.

Albergus:
What I want you to do is keep an eye on Doctor Faustus for me.

Dicolini:
Atsa different story. Eyes cost more.

Albergus:
No, no. "Keep an eye on him"--that's just an expression.

Dicolini
: You want the whole expression, it cost you a pretty penny. We give you a pretty expression, though.

Robin puffs out his cheeks, purses his lips and crosses his eyes. Albergus controls himself, ignores him.

Albergus:
I want you to find out how Faustus spends his evenings. Does he practice black magic? Is he in league with infernal forces? And I need proof, the sooner the better. Should you do this for me, your investigation shall receive such thanks as fits aking's remembrance.

Dicolini:
How much you gonna pay?

Albergus:
I'll pay you ten silver pieces.

Dicolini
: We a-no want no pieces. We want the whole thing.

Robin honks a horn and nods, surly.

Albergus
: Another ten pieces then, if you provide me the information I need. That's all.

Dicolini
: How do we know thatsa all?

Albergus:
What?

Dicolini:
Look, we shadow Faustus for you, how we gonna know when you give us ten pieces thatsa the whole thing?

Albergus
: But I'm offering you twenty pieces for shadowing Faustus.

Dicolini:
See what I mean? First you gotta ten pieces, now you gotta twenty pieces, but we no gotta the whole thing.

Albergus
: You shadow Faustus for me, and then we'll talk about the whole thing.

Dicolini
: You no understand. Suppose I drop a vase, itsa break. How many pieces I got? I don't know; I gotta count them. Now you give me ten pieces, you give me twenty pieces, I still don't have them all, maybe. I shatter vase, we shadow Faustus, itsa same thing: we no gonna do the job until we know we getta the whole thing.

As Albergus and Dicolini haggle, Robin creeps behind them. He draws another fish from the folds of his ragged cloak and slips it onto Albergus's chair.
Albergus, arguing with Dicolini, draws a kerchief from his sleeve, mops his brow, and sits down. A moment later he lets out a strangled cry and leaps from the chair, cracking his knee on the table. He picks up the fish and holds it out at arm's length.

Albergus
: What's this?

Robin whips a sword out and lunges, impaling the fish and the sleeve of Albergus's doublet. Albergus steps back and slips on the first fish. His arms fly up, jerking Robin toward him. Dicolini catches Albergus under the armpits, and Robin sprawls on top of him.

Dicolini
: You no fool me, boss. Atsafish.

Albergus and Robin struggle to get up, but Robin's hand is caught in the guard. When they make it to their feet the pommel is wedged under the clasp that holds Albergus's cloak closed around his neck. The sword guard presses against his throat, and his arm stretches the length of the blade as if tied to a splint. Chin forced high into the air, Albergus whirls around like a manic signpost.

Dicolini
: Don't worry, boss. We get you out.

Robin jumps on Albergus's back and shoves a hand down his collar. Dicolini pulls him over onto the table. He lies spread-eagled while Robin pulls the sword up through the collar, across his neck. Afraid they will cut his throat, he struggles, but Dicolini is sitting on his left arm.

Dicolini
: Relax. We take care of everything.

Robin draws the sword completely out and the fish catches against Albergus's throat. Robin shakes hands with Dicolini. Albergus sits up, stands, tugs his clothes into order, trying to compose himself.

Albergus
: Gentlemen. I trust we are in agreement now--you'll do this piece of work for me?

Dicolini
: We do the whole thing.

Robin honks. Albergus steers them toward the door, his arms across their shoulders.

Albergus
: Splendid. Remember now, should you meet me in public, I'm a stranger.

Dicolini
: Stranger than who?

Albergus
: Us. You and I--and your friend, of course.
Strangers
.

Dicolini
: Hesa stranger than both of us put together.

Albergus
: So I'm beginning to understand.

Dicolini
: We gotta go now. We're gonna be late for the classes we wanna miss.

Albergus
: My apologies for detaining you. Just make sure you get me something I can use against Faustus.

Robin pulls a red-hot poker out of the robe. He grips the iron in both hands, waving it under Albergus's nose. Albergus falls back; Robin offers him the poker. Dicolini shoves Robin.

Dicolini
: Whatsa matter for you? You crazy? The boss no play poker!

Robin, hurt, puts the poker back in his robe.

Scene Three

Lights come up on a classroom. At the front is a raised platform with a table, a lectern and behind it a blackboard. A window to the streets of Wittenberg at the left, a doorway at right. Students gathering before class, Among them are Albergus, sitting in the front row, and Wagner, Faustus's fag, likewise in front.

Albergus
: You seem melancholy today, young student. Did your master take last night's misunderstanding amiss?

Wagner
: I don't think he misunderstood anything. He did make me pick a card. Something he calls three card monte.

Albergus
: He predicted your future?

Wagner
: Not exactly. But he won back my salary for the next six months. As long as it keeps me close to her, it doesn't matter.

Albergus
: I see you are reading divine Homer. Practicing your Greek?

Wagner:
Only dreaming of Helen, fairer than the evening air, clad in beauty of a thousand stars. Her lips suck forth my soul; see where it flies! Here will I dwell, for heaven be in these hips.

WAGNER'S SONG:

I came to work for Faustus seeking scientific sport

Over universal secrets to emote

But then one early evening as I was cleaning out his rooms

I caught a glimpse of Helen

And that was all she wrote

Yes it's true, I can't deny it

I'm in love with Helen's ghost

A spirit maiden, made of mist

My equanimity is toast

Her ectoplasmic thighs

Call from me so many sighs

That it isn't even funny

(Please don't laugh.)

Her hair it glows like golden wheat

Let's not talk about her feet

Skin of alabaster pure

A fleshy spirit, that's for sure

They say her face launched many ships

How I'd love to kiss those lips

Find a way to mingle fluids

(In a chaste way, sir, of course)

To assay those frosty tetons

That a climber never clumb.

Though I cannot speak a sound sir

Please don't tell me that I'm dumb

When I think of her posterior

Fully round and fully packed

I can't imagine one superior

My imagination's racked.

Though it's true she's Greek to me

Nonetheless I seek to be

Round her temple holy shrine

Long to comprehend she's mine.

It's not a problem that's she's dead, sir.

Though my love's an ancient queen

She's as fresh as any daisy

On at Spring morn, that you've seen.

But she comes, and then she goes

She's at Faustus's beck and call

And I've not said any word to her

Just espied her from the hall

At a distance, faintly glowing

Mist of moisture on her skin

Dewy smile, one earlobe showing

But he never lets me in

How I'd love to try her virtue