She hadn’t been able to tell him why she needed to go home and she hadn’t been able to convince him to fly home and apart from the four hundred dollars she had after Josh had taken her on a shopping spree, she had no money; she never needed it. Josh always took care of everything, but without an explanation he wasn’t going to hand over the price of the airfare. Not now anyway.
She couldn’t leave it; by the time they got back home she would be over four months pregnant and she couldn’t do that; not that late.
Quietly she got out of bed, leaving the note telling Josh she’d just gone to explore the local town and would be back later, leaving him to sleep off the excess food he’d eaten the night before at the Amarillo Festival.
She’d phoned around and found a clinic who charged only five hundred dollars – the other hundred dollars she’d had to take out of Josh’s pocket when he’d gone to the bathroom – and they’d told her matter-of-factly that she’d be done by lunchtime.
The gown the clinic had given her to wear had seen better days. The whole clinic could do with a spruce up, but then people who came here weren’t coming to look at the state of the decor; like her, they were looking for a five-hundred-dollar lunchtime solution.
‘Mrs Edwards, can you come with me, ma’am?’
The clinic nurse’s voice, heavy with a Texas drawl, spoke through the frayed curtained cubicle. Casey closed her eyes for a moment and placed her hands on her stomach.
‘Mrs Edwards, if we don’t get you in there now we won’t be able to do your procedure today.’
‘I’m sorry, I’m coming now.’
Casey drew back the curtain and gave a weak smile, catching her reflection in the mirror opposite and wishing she could feel as if she was doing the right thing.
‘Cass? Cass? Wake up. Are you okay, honey?’
Casey heard Josh’s voice. She had a vague memory of leaving the clinic and making her way back to the hotel, where she’d got straight into bed and had fallen asleep. She remembered hearing Josh come in and speak to her – something about the three-day festival – but she’d been too tired to answer, and sometime later she’d heard the hotel door shut and had fallen back to sleep.
But now she was hot; burning hot; and she could hear Josh’s voice speaking to her but she felt unable to answer him.
‘Cass, you look terrible. Jesus Casey, you have to lay off the booze. I don’t want to give you a hard time but …’
Casey heard Josh’s voice fade into the distance; she couldn’t focus on it. All she felt was heat, and a slicing pain in her abdomen; an unbearable pain which was stopping her moving.
She felt the covers being pulled off, the cool of the air on her bare flesh, but then she heard a shout; Josh was shouting and she couldn’t make out why or what he was saying.
‘Oh my god Casey, you’re bleeding. Oh my god. Hello? Hello? I’m in room 379, I need an ambulance.’
The flashing lights of the ambulance came and went, and the drawl of the Texan voices asking her to open her eyes, asking her if she was alright, asking her to tell them what had happened, filtered through Casey as she fell in and out of consciousness.
Casey’s eyes opened and first she saw the lights in the ceiling of the side room and then she saw Josh sitting by her looking worried and perplexed.
‘Cass, you’re awake. How are you feeling? I was so worried. I’ve been sitting here out of my mind. They’ve been trying to tell me some shit, trying to tell me you’ve had an abortion and that you picked up an infection from it, but I told them they had to be wrong. I told them they must have made a mistake; that perhaps you had a miscarriage because we were trying for a baby, and there’s no way you’d terminate our child – because why would you if we were planning a baby? I told them they were wrong … Tell me they were wrong, Casey?’
The words rushed out of Josh and his voice quivered with emotion. The pleading look in Josh’s eyes to tell him they were wrong made Casey look away. The shame and the guilt she felt made it impossible to look at him. What had she done?
‘What have you done, Casey?’ He echoed her thoughts and she just managed to speak.
‘I’m so sorry.’
Josh didn’t move for a few minutes, nor did he say anything; and then he’d spoken words which had felt alive in the savagery of their meaning.
‘The doctors think it’s probably unlikely you’ll be able to have any more children. You got what you wanted, Cass.’
The tears rolled down Casey’s face.
‘I am so sorry; you have to believe that I didn’t want this. I just … I can’t explain.’
She wanted to scream and tell him she felt unworthy of having another child, she wanted to explain how she was too afraid to bring herself to love another child after spending most of her life disabled by the pain of being without her son, for him to understand the loss inside her was still as great as it was on the day they took her child away from her – but what she wanted to do more than anything was to let him know she was sorry and she’d never set out to hurt him. Except she didn’t; she couldn’t find the words. So Casey said nothing and stared at Josh, unable to speak.
He’d looked at her with so much hatred before walking away, leaving her passport and an envelope of money. She hadn’t seen him again until she’d flown back home, where he’d barely been able to look at her.
Casey stopped and took in the faces of the group; none of them seemed to be judging her and apart from the man who’d fallen asleep on the end, their eyes were full of empathy. She smiled back gratefully. ‘I just want to know that my son is alright and that he’s happy. That’s the most important thing; he’s happy.’
As Oscar drove through the city and on to Mile End he decided to stop at his office in Whitechapel. As he pulled up he saw Vaughn standing outside with his face looking like thunder.
‘This is a pleasant surprise. What can I do for you, Mr Sadler?’
‘Don’t play fucking games with me, you cunt. I want to know when it became okay to put your hands on Casey?’
Oscar looked round quickly to see if anyone was watching. He didn’t want a scene outside his office; he liked to keep a low profile and it was important he was seen as a respectable businessman.
‘Shall we go in, Vaughn? We can talk inside.’
Oscar unlocked the brown door of the office with shaking hands. He’d known Casey was going to be a problem the minute he’d seen her in Lola’s cafe, and now she was spitting trouble his way.
The moment the door was open, Vaughn pushed Oscar hard, sending him flying into the desk piled with paperwork. He put his hands out to stop him from falling. Vaughn gave him a forearm punch to the back of his head, then twisted him round before driving a clenched fist into his face. ‘Vaughn, please, I would never have done anything to hurt her.’
‘No? But you pushed her about and that fucks me off big time, Oscar. I’ve never liked men who bully women. You’ve made me come out of retirement and that doesn’t make me happy.’
‘I’m sorry; no harm done.’
‘You’ve mixed me up with someone else because in my eyes, I see a lot of harm done.’
Oscar’s speech came in short bursts as he struggled to speak through the pain of his broken nose.
‘How can I make it up to you?’
‘You can’t. I’m toying with the idea of breaking your legs and letting someone stick their fist up yer fucking arse.’
‘Come on Vaughn; we’re friends.’
‘Oscar, let me make something perfectly clear to you. I don’t like you; not one little bit. You’re the sort of shit I wipe off my shoes every day and if it wasn’t for Casey not wanting me to do anything I’d be feeding your dick to my dogs right now. If I ever get wind of you even looking at her the wrong way, I’ll be burying you in your own shit.’
Vaughn gave Oscar a final kick on the side of his body before turning and walking out.
As Oscar lay there getting his breath back, he felt enraged; who the fuck did he think he was treating him as if he was something nasty the dog had dragged in? And all over a red-haired piece of pussy. Vaughn Sadler may have the upper hand now, but his time would come. Oscar hoped it would come very soon.
‘And you’d tell me if you were?’
Alfie looked Vaughn straight in the eye and lied, ‘Yeah, we’re friends aren’t we?’
‘What about Oscar?’
‘Oscar? No, I would’ve known.’
Alfie was trying to hide his irritation at the fact that Vaughn was questioning him. Anybody else would’ve got a good battering and been thrown out, but Vaughn was one of his oldest standing friends, as good as family. He could trust him; a rare quality in the circles he hung round in, and he wasn’t willing to give that up.
Nevertheless, Alfie could feel his fists clenching. It was hardly any of Vaughn’s concern what he did and didn’t do in his business. Admittedly, he’d struggled to get his head round the girls at first but if it wasn’t him who was doing it, it’d be someone else.
The problem was, now Vaughn had retired, he was out of the loop. Business was changing and what people wanted was changing too. There was a demand and he was going to supply it; better than some other cunt reaping all the rewards.
Nobody went round telling Vaughn how to grow his fucking roses, so Alfie expected the same respect back. Of course, he wasn’t going to say that, but he
was
curious to know how Vaughn had got to hear about his new venture.
‘So who’s been talking then? Even if it is shit, I’d like to know, V.’
‘I can’t say, Alf, but if it isn’t true, I wouldn’t worry about it.’
‘But that’s the thing; I do worry, Vaughn.’
Vaughn looked at Alfie and thought it best to change the subject. He’d got the answer he’d needed by Alfie’s reaction. One thing he always knew was when Alfie was irritated or lying, and at this moment he was doing both.
He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about Alfie lying, or about the situation. There’d been so many times he’d wanted to walk away from Alfie, but he’d made the promise to Connor all those years ago. But surely there was a line? He needed time to mull it over and decide what to do.
It was Alfie who spoke next, trying to lighten the mood.
‘How’s Casey? You serious about her?’
‘Serious enough to break Oscar’s legs for him.’
Alfie looked at Vaughn in surprise.
‘Oscar?’
‘Yeah, funny how you neglected to mention your business partner was a bit free with his hands the other night,’ Vaughn spoke pointedly. ‘But I had a little chat with him – ruffled his feathers a bit. Though it might be a bit awkward Casey seeing him go into Lola’s cafe looking like a fucking poster campaign for disabled Britain.’
Alfie looked down sheepishly. ‘You know what he’s like. No harm done eh?’
‘He’s a nasty fucking piece of work, Alf, he’s always spelt trouble. It’s no skin off my nose, but take my advice and stay well clear mate, otherwise you’ll end up regretting it.’
Alfie said nothing, but had the horrible feeling his friend was probably right.
‘Is that alright?’ Casey smiled at Lola and hoped she wouldn’t mind her getting off early. After the meeting she’d decided to pluck up the courage to go round to the address Josh had given her, and she felt she needed to go before she lost her nerve.
‘Okay then, but I’ll be working you like a dog tomorrow because of it.’
Casey hugged Lola. In the short time she’d been at the cafe she’d become very fond of her boss; she understood her and Casey guessed that Lola understood her too. As she released her from the hug, Casey accidentally banged Lola’s face.
‘Ouch! Do you want me back in hospital, girl?’
Casey lowered her voice and a look of concern crossed her face.
‘Who did it to you, Lola? I can’t understand why you won’t tell me.’
‘Because it’s none of your flipping beeswax; it’s part of life and part of who I am.’
‘But it shouldn’t be – I know it’s not really who you are. Tell me who it was, Lola, and we can go to the police together. I know some people who might be able to help.’
Lola let out a painful laugh, full of hardness and bitterness. ‘Love, this isn’t a movie where everything turns into a fucking pink fairy cake at the end. Oh and don’t look so worried; everything
will
be alright; if I keep my mouth shut. I’ve told you before; put up and shut up.’
‘But …’
‘Casey love, there’s a lot you don’t know about me and a lot of things I’ve done I’m ashamed of. I try not to be like that any more but maybe this is my payback time. Some things you just can’t change, no matter how hard you try. So don’t you fret about me; just concentrate on yourself.’
The sound of the cafe door opening made Lola stop talking as both women turned round at the same time to see Vaughn come in. Casey smiled and Lola nudged her, knowing Casey was becoming soft on him but was fighting her feelings.
‘Cup of tea, Vaughn – or have you just come to window shop?’ Lola chuckled and went to get Vaughn a cup of tea before he’d had a chance to reply.
Casey, slightly embarrassed, pushed back her hair and spoke.
‘I wasn’t expecting you.’
‘I’m actually here to see Lola, but I’d rather be seeing you if I’m honest. It’s funny to see you work in here, you look so out of place.’
‘I don’t really know how long I’ll stay; I’m thinking of maybe moving on.’
‘Casey, I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, if anything, but my past is my past. If you’re in trouble, you know you can always come to me; maybe I can help.’
Casey blushed and looked down at the floor, noticing a line of ants making their way under the table.
‘You’ve got me down as this mystery woman. I’m really not very exciting I’m afraid, I just like to move on that’s all. I think it’s because my father was in the army and we were always moving. It’s in my blood.’
‘I thought you said he was a teacher.’
Vaughn stared at Casey, frowning, but before she could answer, Lola came across with a steaming mug of tea.
‘Here you are, Vaughn love, get that down you.’