Taking Chances: A Donnelley Brother's Novel (21 page)

Her words replayed in my mind. “I’m here because your father is in the hospital, Hadley. He had a heart attack two days ago and he’s not doing well.” I could hear the tears in her words and I knew that if I turned to look into her face, I would see them streaming down her cheeks. “You need to come home with me, baby. He needs to see you.”

Feeling broken inside, the air that had been stuck to burn in my chest released in one painful whoosh - and then I broke.

Suddenly, I was on my knees and my mother’s arms were around me. In the way she had done so many other times when I cried, she held the pieces of me together. My face was pressed into her shoulder as she rocked me back and forth on the porch. I could hear Busters whining in the background, meshing with the sounds of my pained sobs, and then I heard the engine of a truck - and then there was a man’s voice. His voice. Collin’s voice.

“Hadley!” I heard booted feet slamming against the gravel, and then up the steps of my little porch.

Then I was pulled from my mothers arms as two big hands held my face, forcing me to look up into emerald eyes. My breaths were coming in unsteady, panicked gasps that slowed as soon as those eyes held mine. In them, I found a calm I could have never found in any other. I knew my mom was watching us, I could sense her presence - but the only person I could see was him. Collin.

“My dad...” my voice was a pathetic sound, but the strength in Collin didn’t waver. He was like the mountains - sturdy.

“Shh, baby.” He cooed. “You need to breathe, beautiful.”

I nodded, needing to listen to him - wanting to obey him. Because I knew that if I did, I would feel so much better and not nearly as desperate. Finally, when my breathing returned to normal and my sobs quieted, Collin spoke again. “What happened?”

“My dad had a...” I choked on the words. “Heart attack.”

His face tightened and a fleeting flash of pain lit the emerald of his eyes. “Is he?”

“He’s alive.” I nodded. “But he’s not doing well.”

Collin tensed even tighter, before he pulled me against him hard. His body shook and I knew he was holding back with everything that he had to squeeze me so tight against him, we became one rather than two.

He knew what I went through with my brother. We hadn’t talk much about it - but he knew I’d been hurting. He’d seen me break down. He’d held me in his arms as I lost hold of the world around me and he’d been the tether that brought me back. He knew, deep inside, that if I lost my father too - so soon after my brother - that the tether holding me to this world might not be strong enough. He might not be strong enough to hold me here - to this place. I felt his fear and I felt his worry and concern for me.

Suddenly, I heard my mothers voice and I remembered she was here with us. “We need to leave, Hadley. Our flight leaves at four and we have a long drive ahead of us.”

I blinked, feeling stunned. Of course we had to leave. Of course we had a flight. Of course I had to go to my father. But I didn’t want to leave Collin. Once again, he caught my face in his big strong hands.

“It’s going to be okay, baby.”

I nodded, but I hadn’t decided yet if I believed him.

He spoke again. His eyes were on me, but I knew he was speaking to my mother. “How did you get here?”

“I had a ride.”

“Who?”

“Gracie Donnelley. She picked me up from the airport early this morning and drove me here. I waited for Hadley to return from...” the words died and then she continued. “I knew Hadley had a car here so we’ll be able to get back to the airport.”

“She’s not driving.” Collin stated matter of fact.

“I can drive.”

“I’m driving you.” He announced and I felt my mom heave in relief. She was tired too, I realized. And for the first time since she’d arrived and I’d heard the news, I looked at my mom.

Her eyes were tired and she wore only the bare minimum of makeup. Her hair had been brushed, but lazily styled and her clothing wasn’t her usual dress. Instead, she wore black slacks and a large sweater that hung from her small frame, making her appear more wilted than I knew my strong mother could possibly be.

Looking back to Collin, I tried to keep the new burst of tears I felt building inside from falling. “Thank you, Collin.”

He leaned in to press his lips to my forehead, not caring that my mother was watching. “Anything for you, beautiful.”

Chapter 18

I watched the square divided land from where I sat with my forehead pressed against the window of the plane. My mother was beside me. I could feel her presence and I knew she wanted to talk, but I simply didn’t have it in me.

I couldn’t seem to figure out what I was feeling inside. I was confused. I was worried about my father and I was worried about my mother. I missed my brother, and I ached, in a way I cannot describe, for Collin.

I’d parted with Collin at the airport, feeling his eyes on my back as I walked away. And since that moment, I couldn’t shake the feeling of desperation that was building inside of my body. That desperation was ticking - ticking like a time bomb that was a mere moment from devastating detonation.

I had wanted desperately for him to come with me. But the flight had already been booked, our seats chosen, and not enough time for him to cancel his tours or even pack a bag of clothes. I hadn’t had time to say my goodbyes to Reese, Kami, or even Gracie.

Knowing Gracie had known about my father’s heart attack and not bothered to warn me of my mother’s planning to come to the Ranch for me, or give me time to say a proper goodbye to Collin, made me feel angry. Although I knew my mother had probably asked her friend not to tell me - I still wished she would have. Maybe then I would have Collin’s hand to hold onto when I needed it, rather than this hard gray armrest.

Closing my eyes, I fought my tears. This year had been the best and worst year of my life. I’d lost my best friend and brother - but I’d also fallen in love with a wonderful man. I’d lost the comfort of my home - but explored everything a new land had to offer. I’d walked from beneath the protective wings of my parents - but I’d also found the strength to make my own decisions and mistakes. I’d found the courage to meet the woman I wanted to be for the rest of my life rather than morphing into the idea I held in my mind of who I should be.

A lot had changed since my time at the Ranch. I no longer wished to open my own gym. I couldn’t imagine confining my body to four concrete walls when there was a vast, beautiful, open world for my taking. I couldn’t imagine teaching the usage of mundane machines when nature held, in its open palm, an exercise to work not only the body, but the soul. Now, my deepest cravings lived in the land I was leaving behind - with the man I knew my soul would ache for until the end of my days.

I had left everything behind when I’d left the Ranch. I didn’t need to bring anything home with me - not when I had a bedroom filled with clothes and a car waiting in the garage. Everything I had taken with me to the Ranch was expendable. It was what I had gained while there that was necessity - and I’d been forced to leave all that behind as well.

I was terrified for my father.

I was terrified to see the condition he was in - how weak he would undoubtedly look in a hospital bed. I wanted him to be well and I wanted him to live long and healthy, but I also feared that if he didn’t I would have to remain home in Toronto. The thought sent a stifling feeling pulsing through my body. I couldn’t imagine remaining in the city after the life I’d experienced in the open land of the Alberta Rockies. I couldn’t imagine meeting men who thought it was more fun to ride in a sports car than it was to race through trees on a quad. I couldn’t imagine traveling bumper to bumper through the rush hour streets when I could navigate the rapids of the river.

I had changed.

Everything had changed - and I didn’t know where to go from here.

***

We didn’t go home from the airport. Instead, my mother drove us from the airport to the hospital in her shiny black BMW SUV. Her hands held the steering wheel with white knuckles. As she drove, I didn’t watch the busy streets. Instead, I stared at my mother’s frail hands.

***

The smell in the hospital was like any other hospital - stringently sterile. I’d never liked the scent hospitals held, but I’d never really paid them any mind. Today was different. Today, walking through the wide quiet halls I couldn’t help but feel deaths chill. This was the place so many souls came to cross over. Some were willing and others weren’t. But that didn’t make a difference. Knowing my father was here, in this building, where every wall had witnessed a death of some kind, made me feel panicked and jumpy. I was uncomfortable. I was afraid. I didn’t feel in any part secure.

“Mom.” I croaked. “Where’s dad?”

Her brow furrowed. “He’s in room 403, Hadley.”

She’d told me that. “But where is that room.”

Confusion crossed over her face. “It’s down the hall.”

I froze. I wanted to run. “How far?”

“Hadley?” She cocked her head before reaching a hand out to my arm. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“Mom...” I stepped back, shaking my head. “I don’t want to see him - I don’t want to see him weak. Dad’s not weak.”

Understanding lit her eyes. “He doesn’t look too bad, baby.”

Tears escaped my eyes. “I can’t - he can’t.”

She pulled me against her chest, her hand petting my hair. “Oh, baby.” She cooed. “Shhh, daddy’s going to be alright.”

After long moments, I reined in the panic that had exploded within my body and I nodded. “Okay.” My word shook. “I’m ready.”

My mother pulled out a little round compact of cover up. Popping it open, she rubbed the brush into the powder before fluffing it over my face. I coughed. “You look like you were just crying. Dad needs you to be strong.”

“I know.” I nodded, taking in another deep breath. “I’m good now, mom.”

She pursed her lips, obviously just as ruined inside as me. We were putting on a show for my father, but he knew his girls. No amount of powder could hide our fear from the man who’d calmed them for years. The powder wasn’t for dad. It was for us.

***

After visiting dad in the hospital, and being assured that by the end of the week, with close monitoring, we could bring him home, mom and I left. Dad was exhausted and he refused to even close his eyes with his girls in the room. Dad had assured me, repeatedly, that he was fine. And I had done everything I could not to cry.

Somehow, and it was a miracle, that I didn’t cry once while I was in the room with my dad. But as soon as I stepped from the room, all bets were off. I cried a river as I ran from the hospital. I knew my mom was behind me, running after me. But I couldn’t stop myself. I’d used every ounce of control I’d had seeing my dad lying in that bed and as soon as I was out of that room, I’d needed to escape the hospital as though it were hell. And for some, I supposed it was.

Now, it was almost 10:00 p.m. and the night sky was black. I’d just stepped from the bathroom where I’d taken the worlds longest shower as I cried and the water washed away my every tear. On my bed, there was a folded pair of purple plaid pajamas. I smiled through my sadness as I moved toward the soft cotton outfit. Laying on the clothing was a note from my mom on a little pink piece of paper. I didn’t need to read it to know what it read. Mom had done this a thousand times. She’d buy a pair of pajamas for Michael and I and leave them on our beds with a note telling us to meet her in the family room. We would then snuggle up on the couch and watch movies until our eyes couldn’t withstand another blink.

I knew sleep was what I really needed right now, but I dressed myself in the comforting material, shoved my bare feet into slippers and made my way through the house that I now thought was too big, to the family room. I saw my mother immediately. She wore a pair of pale yellow pajamas that were identical to my own in design. On the coffee table, there was a tray with a hot carafe and two mugs sitting next to a plate filled to the brim with cookies.

I paused in the doorway and she patted the couch beside her. “Come sit with me, Hadley.”

I knew immediately that this wasn’t a movie and popcorn kind of night. This was serious. My belly tightened as nerves swelled - threatening to burst.

Slowly, I forced my feet to push forward until I was sitting next to her on the couch. I couldn’t deny that I was still hurt by my mother’s betrayal in sending me to the Ranch, and making me believe it was my father’s idea all along.

Honestly, if I had known my mother wanted me to go, I probably wouldn’t have gone. But seeing the man I had always known as my white knight plead so desperately, had forced me into agreeing to something I had originally not wanted. Now, I was thankful for it - although I was still admittedly frustrated with my mother for lying to me.

My mom poured creamy white liquid into the mugs and I sighed at the sight of my favorite comfort drink - white hot chocolate. That sugary liquid could sooth me in the worst of times.

“You’re angry with me.” My mother stated as she handed me my mug and I nodded.

“I am.”

She sighed. “I didn’t send you away to work through his death alone, Hadley.”

“Really?” I questioned, already feeling my throat tighten with emotion. I sniffled. “That’s sure how it felt when I realized you were the one who sent me to the Ranch.”

“I didn’t just send you to a Ranch, baby.” She stared into the creamy white of her drink. “I sent you to the one place in this world I thought had the ability to heal you. That land, Hadley - it’s powerful. I still see those mountains and all their solid strength when I close my eyes.” She sighed heavily, painfully. And then she continued. “Hadley, I felt so helpless. I’d just lost my baby boy...” She hiccupped. “God, Hadley, I couldn’t watch you die too.” Her eyes were red and tears were pouring from their corners to slide down her cheeks. “I just couldn’t.”

I felt rattled down to my very core. “I wasn’t dying, mom.”

“You were, baby.” She argued quietly, but vehemently. “The light I had always seen in your eyes - it was fading, baby. I couldn’t watch that and do nothing. I couldn’t just stand by and let you shut yourself down. So I sent you to the one place on this earth that I knew could help to heal you. I just knew.”