Tales Of A RATT (21 page)

Now, let's keep things in perspective, here. I'm standing next to one of my heroes, and we both have our dick in our hand. That's a little weird, giddy or not. So, we both finish recycling our beer, then I'm talking to him and telling him about my days of learning to play drums to "Get Your Wings" and "Toys In The Attic", and how at the gig in 1975, backstage at the Long Beach Arena I had my first backstage moments.

He really got a kick out of hearing those stories. It was one of the cooler, more interesting meetings I've ever had

A lot of amusing things were going on in the 80s. But, one of the weirdest was the whole PMRC thing. Parents Music Resource Center. Tipper Gore.

It's common knowledge that the best thing you can do to sell something is to tell people they can't have it. Especially kids. Then they HAVE to have it, just to rebel, if nothing else. We never needed that kind of publicity, because our sales were strong regardless. And, they never really took a lot of interest in us.

The only thing I ever heard them call us out about was the cover of the "Invasion of Your Privacy" album. Something about looking through a window at a hot chick in her underwear made Tipper and her friends tighten all up. But, that was tame. We were never going to be on their "Filthy Fifteen" list. Not for lyrical content.

I never really gave them that much thought. I thought it was stupid, so it was in one ear and out the other. Of course, when you get acts like WASP out there, and they record the crap they are known for, whether it's "Fuck Like A Beast", or whatever, they need all the help they can get.

That band is one of the worst bands I've ever had the displeasure of watching. So, I couldn't have cared less if they were going after Blackie Lawless and his crew. I'm like, "Go get 'em. Knock yourself out.”

A lot of bands used that whole thing to get airtime. Quiet Riot is a prime example. Those guys were never a target, but they got out there and did everything they could to make some noise and get some attention. I don't know. It seems pretty pathetic.

There were guys out there who were using every means of shock they could to sell their records, and then going up there and claiming it was a first amendment right. It's pathetic. They were covering for their lack of talent by being a sideshow attraction.

"Hey! It's Blackie Lawless, the Bearded Lady of Heavy Metal!”

I knew the dudes who were going in front of Congress and testifying. Some of them were great, like Dio and Alice Cooper. Some of them, not so much.

Of the big three, John Denver, Frank Zappa and Dee Snyder, I think Zappa and Denver made the biggest impact. I could have done without Snyder, with his vampire teeth, representing me as a rocker and an artist. But, a lot of people really dug what he had to say.

Zappa? It's not like he's going up there all buffooned out.

Zappa was genius when it came time to fight the PMRC. Nobody could hold an argument with Frank Zappa. It's impossible.

Rock N Roll has always been pigeonholed, poked and prodded at. If that were me, I wouldn't have been nearly as worried about Prince's "Darling Nikki" and her magazine masturbation. I would have been more concerned with "The Exorcist" and Linda Blair as a little girl masturbating with a crucifix! Yelling out the words "Let Jesus Fuck You", and shit like that.

That would seem more damaging, and it happened fifteen years earlier!

Then again, people are entitled to their view, even though some of that lyrical content was completely ridiculous. Some of that needs to be regulated, I guess. You can't have a twelve-year-old girl reading lyrics from WASP, talking about how Lawless likes to fuck chicks in coffins. That's improper. There's some accountability to be had with that. But, no one likes to be told what to do. Certainly, not me!

For some acts, they were desperately trying to get on that bandwagon. No one would have paid them any attention, otherwise.

Personally, I think Tipper and her brood just needed to be laid one time...REALLY WELL. Then all that shit would have fell to the wayside.

RATT's Dancing Undercover record 1986-87 billboard on Sunset Blvd.
Look at gas prices!!!

Tommy Lee, Me and Nikki Sixx on the set of Back For More shoot. They beat the shit out of me in the video, and I mean REALLY punched the shit out of me, fuckers, 1984.

On the set of Wanted Man. Jeni on the left. June 1984.

Photo shoot 1985 with a hot blonde model. Photo Courtesy Mark Weiss.

Osaka Japan, 1984.

Tommy and Me, playing a little Poker. Photo courtesy of Neil Zlozower.

I got invited to race for Dodge in the Celebrity Circuit in 1987. They flew me out to Mid-Ohio Race Track to Skip Barber Racing School. The Circuit was sponsored by MADD. It was a program called "Think before you drink or use drugs and drive.” So, I went up there and took the driving school course and was issued an IMSA racing license. Then our first race was out there at the Mid-Ohio Race Track.

That first race had Ted Nugent, me, Craig Chaquico from Starship, one of the guys from .38 Special, there were so many people in that field. I had the pole position for that race. I've always loved to race, and I've always been really good at it. I'm a really good driver. I've raced off-road, and with dirt bikes; I know how to hit my apexes and such; and I have very little fear. So I was really good.

We did the race, and I fucked up. I was looking at the wrong tower coming up to get the green flag. Ted Nugent was fucking with me pretty strong while we were following the pace car. Ted is an out of control nut! He really is a crazy kind of dude. Fun loving as hell, and about three degrees left of center, if you get my drift.

Anyway, Ted guns it, and I'm thinking, "What's he doing? We haven't gotten the green flag yet?” That's when I see all these other cars coming up. I looked in my rearview and went, "Oh shit…”

I saw the flag guy in the opposite tower. "FUCK!”

So, I stand on it, trying to catch up to Ted. I tried that whole race, man. I was right on Ted's ass the whole time, but I could never overtake him. I finished second.

My next race, I had the pole position again. This time, it was in Indianapolis, and Lorenzo Lamas beat me on that one.

But, on my final race, down in Del Mar, California, on my 30th birthday, I finally won. These races were all warm-ups for actual Grand-Prix races; big time GTP cars. I won the very last one, which meant they gifted me with any Dodge car I wanted.

I asked them if I could let my sister pick out a car for her, instead. They agreed, and so I was able to get Carol a brand new van.

That last race was really cool. They gave me this big two-story suite, right on the San Diego Bay. There was a big party with a birthday cake, the whole nine yards. Great time.

On that last race, I had gotten Vince, Tommy and Don Dokken into the Circuit as well. On the final race, they pick the best of all the previous races to pit against each other. All of the first and second place finishers were in this race.

Again, I had the pole, and Vince was right behind me. He kept trying to get in on me while we were following the pace car. So I kept running him off the side. He was getting really pissed! I couldn't hear him yelling, or anything, but I could see his eyes whipping around in his helmet.

I kept flipping him off, and shit, screaming, "Fuck you, dude!” He couldn't hear me, of course, but I didn't care. "After the race, Neil! I'm kicking your ass!” It was good times.

At one point in the race, I spun him out, which really flipped him. He was yelling and banging on his steering wheel. It was worth a good chuckle on my part.

Don Dokken crashed his car on that race. So did Stephen Pearcy. Tommy was trying to keep up and Ted Nugent kept bumping me and shit. But, I held the line. Wound up winning the race. I loved running that circuit. Racing was a rush.

They were asking me to race with them on a team race called Scout Racing. It's where you and your team rotate drivers. One of you races for three hours, then someone else, then another, finally you all take another turn. This goes on for 24 hours.

But, I couldn't do it.

We were on tour, and there just wasn't enough time. It just never happened. I wish it would have, though, because the adrenaline factor is amazing.