Tallahassee Higgins (16 page)

"Not at first, but she's all right now most of the time."

"And Dan? I know he must be crazy about you."

"He's great, Liz. He fixed up your old bike for me to ride. He even painted it, so it looks almost new."

"That old clunker? It didn't even have gears." Liz laughed.

"It rides real good, Liz. You want to see?"

"No, no." She laughed and sat back down, flipping her hair over her shoulders. "I came to see you, not an old bicycle."

As I snuggled close to her, she shifted away from me a little. "What are you trying to do, Talley? Sit in my lap?"

I blushed and let her put some distance between us. I'd forgotten how she felt about too much hugging and kissing. "Where have you been all this time?" I stared at her. "Why didn't you write me or call me? I've been so worried about you!"

"Oh, I've been just awful, haven't I, Talley?" She smiled at me like a little kid asking to be forgiven. "You must think I'm the most terrible mother in the world."

I shook my head so vigorously my hair flew out in all directions. "Of course I don't think that! You're the best mother, the very best in the whole wide world."

Liz tossed her head and laughed. "You sure are sweet, honey." She glanced over her shoulder at the house. "I've been sitting here at least an hour listening to that stupid dog bark. Does he always carry on like that? Or is it just me he doesn't like?"

I looked at Fritzi dancing up and down in the window. It was a wonder he didn't have laryngitis by now. "He's very excitable. Aunt Thelma says all little dogs are high-strung or something. That's why they bark so much."

"I bet Thelma trained him to be obnoxious. It's just the kind of thing she'd do," Liz said. "That dog even
looks
like her."

"He's not so bad once he gets to know you. He used to bark and growl at me all the time, but now he likes me. He only acts mean if I walk too close to his food dish. He doesn't want anybody near him when he's eating."

Liz lit a cigarette and exhaled slowly. "I never did care for little dogs," she said.

I waved the smoke away from my face. "Haven't you quit smoking yet? You know it's bad for you." I grabbed her upper arm. "And look how skinny you are. I bet you haven't been eating right."

"Who's the mother—you or me?" Liz laughed and pulled her arm away.

"Where's Bob?" I glanced at the empty street, thinking I might have overlooked his motorcycle.

Liz shrugged. "Oh, we split in California. As far as I know, he's still hanging out with those dumb friends of his. I was really wrong about him, Tallahassee."

She flicked an ash off her cigarette and surveyed the neighborhood. "Nothing has changed a bit here, you know that? I've been gone twelve years, and everything is exactly the same."

I looked at the street, softened now by the green leaves. Ever since I'd sat down beside her, I'd wanted to ask Liz about Johnny, but I hadn't had the courage to mention his name. She was the one person who could tell me what I wanted to know. Suppose her answer wasn't the one I wanted to hear?

While I watched Liz puffing away on her cigarette, I decided to ask her if she remembered Jane's mother. Then maybe I'd have the nerve to mention Johnny. "Do you remember Linda DeFlores?" I asked timidly.
"She still lives in the house behind us."

Liz looked puzzled. "Do you mean Linda
Barnes?
"

"Her name's DeFlores now." I frowned. "She says she used to know you."

"Linda married Bud DeFlores? With me out of the picture, I thought she'd marry good old Johnny Russell," Liz said.

"Johnny Russell?" I stared at Liz.

"Don't tell me you know
him,
too." She shook her head. "Lord, didn't anybody leave this place?"

Next door, Mr. Jenkins was running his power mower. The noise was making my head boom, and I couldn't think straight. "Johnny's dead," I blurted out, feeling my eyes fill with tears. "He was killed in Vietnam. Didn't you know that?"

Liz choked on her cigarette smoke and turned to me, her eyes wide. "Oh, my God," she whispered. "Oh, my God, no, Tallahassee." Hugging herself with her arms, she leaned forward, her hair hiding her face. "Nobody told me," she whispered. "Nobody told me!"

With her head on her knees she wept, her shoulders shaking. Timidly, I patted her back and stroked her hair, but she shrugged me away as if I were a gnat or something. I knew all the Fred and Ginger routines in the world wouldn't make her stop crying.

"I told him to burn his draft card," she said, "or go to Canada! Why didn't he listen to me?"

"Mrs. Russell said he wanted to go," I said. "She tried to make him go to Canada, too, but he wasn't scared of anything."

Liz shook her head. "When he got drafted, he laughed. He thought it would be a big adventure. I couldn't believe he was so stupid!" She buried her face in her hands. "I never even told him good-bye, I was so mad at him."

"Is that why you went to Florida? Because Johnny was going in the army?"

"That was part of it. I didn't want to see him when he came home from boot camp with all his hair cut off, wearing a uniform. It was against everything I believed in. Johnny a soldier!" She wiped her eyes with her fists. "How could he have gone over there?"

"Liz," I touched her bare arm. "I have to know something." My voice was shaking and my arms felt weak, but if I didn't ask now, I never would.

She looked at me, her eyes still full of tears. Then she turned her attention to the polish on her toenails, picking at a place where it was chipping.

"Was Johnny my father?"

While I waited for her to answer, Mr. Jenkins roared up and down the patch of lawn between his house and ours, filling the air with the sweet smell of cut grass. "Was he?" I felt my voice rising. "Was he?"

"You look just like him," she said. "You always have."

"But is he my father?"

"Yes," Liz whispered, "yes, and I'm sorry he's dead, Tallahassee. He would've loved you, he really would have. He was always crazy about little kids."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"What was the point? I didn't want any ties to Johnny, I didn't want to marry him or anything." She wiped her eyes again and lit another cigarette. "I wanted you to be all mine, my very own little baby. Just you and me forever like Peter Pan and Tinkerbell or something. Not that it would have made any difference, the way things turned out."

For a long time neither of us said a word. Fritzi had stopped barking, Mr. Jenkins had finished cutting his lawn, and the only sounds were the birds and the distant whoosh of traffic on Route One.

"Do the Russells still live here?" Liz asked finally. She had stopped crying, but she was pale under her tan, and her makeup was streaked.

"Mr. Russell died a long time ago, but Mrs. Russell is fine. She lets me play with her dog. You know, take him for walks and things. She likes me."

"Does she know that Johnny is your father?"

"She thinks he must have been. So I've been kind of like her granddaughter."

"I bet she hates me." Liz frowned, and I noticed the tiny lines on her face again.

"No, she doesn't," I said, "but I don't think Mrs. DeFlores likes you very much."

"I'm not surprised. It wasn't very nice of me to take Johnny away from her, but I couldn't help it if he liked me better." Liz didn't sound very sorry, and a little smile twitched the corners of her mouth. "So she's still living in Hyattsdale. And married to boring Bud. I bet she has a zillion kids, too."

"Six," I said. "Jane, the oldest one, is in my grade, and she's my best friend."

We talked for a while about school and how I was doing, but every time I asked Liz about herself, she shifted things around to me again.

"How about me and you?" I asked finally, unable to bear the uncertainty. "What are we going to do?"

"When do Thelma and Dan get home?" Liz looked up and down the street as if she expected to see them coming.

"Aunt Thelma should be here any minute, but Uncle Dan doesn't get home till five or five-thirty. They'll sure be surprised to see you."

Liz stood up. "Look, Talley, I don't want to see either one of them. I just stopped in to make sure you were okay, that's all."

"What do you mean?" I stared at her, bracing myself for bad news. "Aren't you taking me with you?"

"Not right now, honey." She backed away as I tried to reach for her. "I'm on my way to New York with a friend. He knows some people in the theater, and he thinks they'd be interested in me."

"But why can't I come?"

"You're better off here, at least till I get settled. You understand, don't you?" Her voice took on a pleading note. "New York's no place for a kid. You wouldn't have fun there, Talley."

I held myself very, very still. It wouldn't do any good to grab her, to cling to her. She'd only get mad. "Do you mean you're dumping me here? The same way you dump everybody?"

"What do you mean?" Liz stared at me.

"Johnny, Roger, Bob." I glared at her. "You even dumped our cat, Bilbo! And now you're doing it to me, your own daughter!"

"Don't talk to me like that, Tallahassee! I took care of you for twelve years, and don't think that was easy! A time comes when a person has to think about herself. I'm twenty-nine years old, and if I don't get into acting soon, it'll be too late."

"But you just said you wanted me to be all yours. You know, Peter Pan and Tinkerbell. What about that?"

"Oh, honey." Liz flung her arms around me and hugged me tight. "You like it here, don't you? Dan and Thelma take good care of you, you have friends, you even have a grandmother." She tried to laugh, but her eyes were worried. "Let's face it, I'm not exactly the world's best mother."

"You're the only one I have."

"Listen, I have to get out of here before Thelma comes home. You want to meet Max? Come on." She started walking down the sidewalk, almost running.

"No!" I yelled, "I don't want to meet Max! I just want you to stay here!"

She took a step toward me, hesitated, threw her arms up in the air and sighed. "I come all the way here just to see you and this is how you act! I can't believe it!"

Before she could say anything else, a little sports car pulled up to the curb behind her. The top was down, and the guy driving it had long hair even though he was getting bald on top. "Are you ready, babe?"

Liz smiled at him, then turned back to me. "Come on, Talley, give me a kiss good-bye and say hi to Max." She stretched an arm toward me, beckoning, pleading.

I walked slowly toward her and let her introduce me to Max.

"This is Tallahassee," Liz said. "Isn't she the prettiest little girl you ever saw?"

"She looks more like your kid sister than your daughter," Max said as Liz hugged me.

I scowled at Max. "She's twenty-nine years old," I said. "And she's my mother."

"Kids, I love them." Max laughed. "You're a real trip," he said to me.

"Now you be good, Talley," Liz said. "This time I promise I'll write more."

I clung to her for a minute, breathing in the smell of tobacco and perfume. Then she pulled away and got into the car with Max. She waved and blew me a kiss, Max gunned the motor, and the little car sped away with Liz's hair streaming out behind it. I watched it turn the corner and almost collide with Aunt Thelma's car.

"Was that Liz?" she asked before she was even out of her old Ford.

I nodded. "She couldn't stay long," I whispered. "She's on her way to New York."

"You mean she left? She didn't even wait to see me?"

I shook my head and stared at a line of ants marching across the sidewalk. The lump in my throat was back, making it hard to talk.

"I can't believe it!" Aunt Thelma stared down the street in the direction the car had gone, as if she expected to see it coming back.

I didn't say anything, but a big tear splashed all the way down to the sidewalk like a drop of rain.

"But what about you? Did she say anything about sending for you?"

"Maybe in the fall," I whispered, "when she gets settled."

Aunt Thelma sniffed. "Well, we've heard that before, haven't we?"

Then she did something that really surprised me. She reached out and pulled me toward her, pressing my face against her bosom. "Oh, Talley, you must be so disappointed," she said as she patted my back. "I'm sorry."

I cried then, I couldn't help it. "She doesn't want me anymore," I told my aunt. "I'll never see her again. Never, never, never."

Giving me a huge hug, Aunt Thelma said, "Of course you'll see her again, Tallahassee. Don't be silly."

"No," I said. "She's gone forever this time, I know she is."

Aunt Thelma took my arm and led me into the house. "It might be a while, Tallahassee, but you mark my words. Liz will be back again."

Sitting me down at the kitchen table, she fixed us each a glass of iced tea. "Now you calm down, Tallahassee, and stop crying," she said firmly. "Tears aren't going to bring Liz back, you know that."

I sipped the cold tea, but it was hard to stop crying. After waiting all this time, I had just spent fifteen minutes with my mother. Not even half an hour. She could have at least stayed long enough to see Uncle Dan, to have supper with us. Jane could have come over and met her. Mrs. Russell, too. But no, she had to run off to New York with a creepy guy wearing an earring.

"Did Liz say what she's going to do in New York?" Aunt Thelma asked.

"That weird guy driving the car knows people in the theater," I mumbled. "She still thinks she's going to be an actress, but do you know what I think?"

Aunt Thelma looked up from her iced tea, waiting for me to go on.

"I think she's going to be a waitress all her life and she should have stayed in Florida. What will she do in a place like New York? She'll never meet anybody like Roger in a city."

Aunt Thelma patted my hand. "Well, Talley, I'll tell you something. I'm glad you're staying here. Believe it or not, I'd miss you if you went up to New York, and I'd worry about you all the time. The things that happen in cities—they're no place for kids."

"You mean you don't feel stuck with me?" This was surprising news. I knew Aunt Thelma and I were getting along better, but I never dreamed she'd miss me if I left.