Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation (4 page)

Sexual Fantasy Increases Excitement

Sexual fantasy is an accepted aspect of sex because it increases excitement. Fantasies in conventional sex are, in fact, a great help, but it is perhaps accurate to say that usually we are having sex with our minds, not with our bodies. We are unquestionably using our bodies, but we’re not really understanding the way they are designed to function. Fantasy is a direct product of the mental powers of the imagination, and our bodies are forced to comply and satisfy the demands of our insatiable minds. As an example to show how sex and mind are connected, we remember a friend who told us that she had suffered an injury to her lower spine. This disturbance caused numbness and lack of sensitivity in the genitals over a period of several months. She couldn’t feel a thing in her sexual organs. Nonetheless, she felt extreme desire for sex during this time. Finally she was forced to realize that the
source
of her sexuality lay in her mind, not in her body.

The mind is extremely powerful, but there are consequences to embracing fantasy as a sexual strategy. Fantasy is undeniably tied to excitement, which is tied to premature ejaculation; the three are linked together. Fantasy increases stimulation and excitement levels (as do all types of sexual aids), which in turn produce chronic premature ejaculation.

Many people depend on fantasy and excitement for their sexual responses and in order to reach orgasm. The pornographic film industry is reportedly much larger than the mainstream film industry, and there are stripper bars in every major city in the world. Fantasy is an imagined situation; you are not with the person in the spirit of togetherness, sharing a mutual experience. You are mentally absent and not present, which results in the same consequence as focusing on the goal of orgasm; you are ahead of yourself or out of yourself. In both cases the mind, not the event itself, is the trigger. The mind wants orgasm and creates fantasy to satisfy its desire.

Staying Cool in Sex

If you want to avoid short-lived sex, it helps to heed an interesting folk aphorism: “A little is good, but more is not better.” In the case of excitement this advice holds true; a little excitement is good, but more excitement is not better. Maybe more brings more pleasure and intensity, but if we wish to change, it’s helpful to recognize the outcome of such behavior patterns.

In order to experience longer exchanges we need to cool down the sex act. A little excitement is fine, nothing is wrong in it, but then relax and take it easy. A retreat participant once shared his experience of having his thirty-year-old premature ejaculation problem vanish overnight, once he’d discovered the key of avoiding getting overexcited and remaining cool.

A style of sex that is cool and simple is more sustainable. It extends, expands, and increases the attraction between the bodies. The accepted cultural ideal is that sex should be as hot as possible, an approach that virtually guarantees premature ejaculation. Sooner or later excitement burns out, we take each other for granted, and boredom takes up residence. Boredom is natural; anything repeated again and again becomes a boring experience. Whenever the newness is lost, boredom takes its place. Excitement is triggered by the unknown, the newness of a situation, but the newness quickly wears off and the initial attraction burns up in the flames of excitement. Often couples report that after periods of heavy sex they experience a kind of physical repulsion and complete loss of interest in sex for a while.

SENSATION REDUCES SENSITIVITY

One significant by-product of excessive stimulation is that the penis becomes less and less sensitive. The more sensation to which the penis is subjected, the less sensitive it becomes. The same is true for the vagina. The repeated rubbing action of the penis within the vagina (or in the hand during masturbation) desensitizes both the penis and the vagina.

Repetitive in-and-out movements create friction between the tissues, which causes heat and a charge. After sex, a residue of tension remains in the body. This accumulates over time, and eventually the penis becomes subtly overcharged and tougher, and therefore less sensitive and less perceptive. Quite often the erect male penis feels unnaturally dense, hard, or even metallic to the touch. This rigidity reflects the tensions held in the tissue of the penis. Sensitivity is reduced, and a man loses the ability, capacity, and power to feel into the actual tissues of the penis. The penis itself loses inner vitality and consciousness, from its root all the way up to the radiant head. It forgets its slithering, supple, flexible nature that renders it capable of winding up and down inside the vagina exactly like a snake.

At the end of a retreat several years ago, a scientist who had participated told us that the loss of sensitivity in the face of intensity of stimulation had been scientifically proven in the second half of the nineteenth century by German physiologist Ernst Weber and physicist and psychologist Gustav Fechmer. Their research, formulated as the Weber-Fechmer law, is the theory of the relationship between stimulus and experience. Their research showed that the change in intensity of a sensation varies in increments proportional to the relative change of the stimulus. Today this is known to be true for every sensory channel within its range of dynamics. A simple example would be to light a match in the darkness. In this instance the light is like an explosion, but if you do the same in bright sunlight, it is barely perceptible. More sensation correlates to less sensitivity, and less sensation correlates to more sensitivity. Instead of endlessly seeking more and more sensation, we should begin to develop our senses so that we become capable of feeling the subtle yet vital life force moving through us at any moment of the day.

Mechanical Repetition and Loss of Sensitivity

To raise the intensity of sensation, we increase the tempo and frequency of our movements. We become mechanical, repeating the same thing again and again. Whenever there is an element of mechanical repetition in movement there is a corresponding lack of consciousness, and thereby loss of sensitivity, in each of the contributing individual movements. The steps that make up the journey are lost as we become climax machines, tense with the effort of getting where we want to go—orgasm!

Through being in a hurry we actually reduce the capacity to internally feel ourselves at a meaningful level. What is happening second by second in the body and genitals? Within the penis? Around the penis? Between the penis and vagina? If we are conscious in each moment, in each movement, the unfolding of sex can become a state of awe and wonder that lasts for hours. An experience of pure pleasure. A state of timelessness is entered wherein the moments emerge spontaneously from the body, unfolding naturally, one giving way to the next without fantasy or goals or mind being involved. The body is taken over by an innate force that intelligently guides it into loving expression. It is quite literally a mindless experience because we become utterly absorbed by our bodies in their state of heightened sesitivity. The more conscious and present a person is during sex, the greater his or her sensitivity will be.

Woman’s Excitement Can Trigger Male Ejaculation

Most men have experienced coming very easily when the woman gets overexcited or too hot, especially as she strives to come to a climax. Ejaculation happens in a helpless enjoyable flash, and there is nothing to be done to avoid it. Many men confirm this experience, saying it is as if an ejaculation is virtually pulled from them, completely out of the blue. They are taken by surprise because they were nowhere near ready to ejaculate. Although the situation appears uncontrollable there is something that can be done, and that is to avoid making the woman too excited. If you’d like to make love last longer, maintain the sexual temperature at cool to gently simmering.

WOMEN’S SEXUAL RELUCTANCE

Let’s face reality: men usually desire sex more often than their partners do. Ever wondered why? The truth is that for a woman the few minutes of sexual interaction are not really satisfying. There is hardly sufficient time for her body to warm up and celebrate the occasion. This sadly implies that women repeatedly return from sexual encounters feeling unfulfilled and at a loss—with the sense that the pleasures of sex are not worth the efforts of sex. Feelings such as these can get firmly embedded and cause many women to begin to avoid sex. Research reveals that 82 percent of women would rather kiss and cuddle than have sex; they find the exchange more nourishing. The choice to cuddle instead of having sex is a reflection of women’s lack of true enjoyment when the penis is within the vagina.

Men can rest assured that the reluctant sexual response of a woman is not a mental or conscious response wherein she suddenly decides she does not want sex. (There are contraception issues that sometimes stand in the way of a woman’s assent, mentioned in chapter 7.) The closing down of a woman’s body is usually a slow, gradual process, unless she has suffered some trauma, in which case the closing down can be immediate. The withdrawal is physical yet very subtle, and something over which a woman does not have much conscious control. Many a woman feels she is alone in her unexpected and uninvited turnoff to sex, but it is a common and universal theme. Repeated lack of fulfillment plays a great part in why women experience loss of interest in sex. Women are definitely not frigid by nature, but their bodies start to freeze over when the sex is always hot, hard, and quick.

What’s a man to do? Why precisely are women not enjoying sex? Why does your woman not want sex as much as you do? A recent
Redbook
survey shows that 52 percent of women regularly fake orgasms. According to a Durex Global Sex Survey, only 17 percent of women are likely to have an orgasm during sex. Forty-three percent of women report “some kind of sexual problem,” such as the inability to achieve orgasm, boredom with sex, or total lack of interest in sex.

Basically women are not getting what they need sexually from men. At the root of the problems lies the male lack of understanding of the female body and man’s loss of control over ejaculation. These facts are basic to female sexual withdrawal and difficulties in reaching orgasm. She doesn’t enjoy sex because it doesn’t feel good. How much sex would you want if you never even had an orgasm? If you want more sex from your woman, discover how to express yourself physically in a way that opens her, expands her body energy, and makes her ask for more. Once you figure that out, you won’t have to ask. Trust us—she’ll be asking you to make love to her. If you don’t believe it, just try it.

There is an urgent need to discover how to extend the length of time of lovemaking, literally penis in vagina, for deeper sexual satisfaction of both the man and the woman. Their sexual experiences are inextricably intertwined, not separated into something one likes and the other does not. If a woman is not fully open to her partner, his sexual experience becomes one-dimensional, repetitive, and finally, boring. Then the need arises to introduce increasingly exciting and stimulating situations, porn movies, sex toys, party games, and the like to keep things rolling.

When woman is made love to consciously and at length, the man’s experience is transformed; it becomes otherworldly, a multidimensional happening. When a man spends more clock time with his penis inside the woman he automatically thinks less about sex, because he is having it. Prolonged sexual experience in relaxation brings him a confidence and trust in himself, which in turn reduces presexual tension and excitement, and thereby postpones ejaculation.

Ejaculation can be postponed indefinitely once you discover the way to do so. Given that human beings do not make enough love, extending lovemaking by delaying, postponing, or even abandoning ejaculation sounds like the perfect remedy for bringing the situation into balance. There are always two opposing directions in which we can move with our sexual energy as human beings: emotional or mature, superficial or empowering, stimulating or relaxing, biological or spiritual, discharging or containing, reproductive or generative, unconscious or conscious.

PERSONAL SHARING

Enjoying Both Thrills and Silence

In the past six months of making love in silence without many outer movements, but with many more inner movements, it has become something that I had been seeking. It is the kind of making love that allows space for conscious encounters, deep love, unlimited variety, bubbling aliveness, powerful masculinity, and deep fulfillment. It is a wonderful path that leads me to who I truly am. At other times there is hot lovemaking with arousal. I experience excitement as something that pulls me in again and again. Sometimes it attracts me because I simply cannot let go of it, or it comes as a wave that overloads and overwhelms me. The experience is totally different from the silent lovemaking.

You taught us that, “Afterwards is your teacher.” After the silent lovemaking I felt fulfilled and alive inside. After the love with excitement, in other words, after an orgasm, I felt tired and needed a break. In my personal experience there is another important difference. With the exciting love, I adhere to my partner energetically. In the silent love there is a space in which love can unfold between us. In regard to quality and sustainability, silent love is clearly leading for me, yet I’m not ready to say goodbye forever to lovemaking with excitement. I would be denying some parts in me that still long for that thrill, and I don’t want to do that. I think further practice with tantra will lead the way. I allow myself to continue to be surprised as to where this path is taking me.