Authors: Denise Mathew
My feelings didn’t make sense even to me. It wasn’t like Marilee was even my type. We didn’t exactly hang in the same crowds. If I was being honest, she was a bit out of my league. But with those facts aside I couldn’t let her go, no matter how many times I’d tried to talk myself into doing just that. We had a connection that was stripped down and real, that transcended where you lived, and all the other crap that determined who we associated with.
I hopped off the bus at my regular stop and strode to the hospital. I was more than stoked to see Marilee and start what she’d pegged her Peace Project. As far as she’d told me, she would come up with the funds and all I needed to do was provide the names who could use a helping hand. Living on the Strip made my job more than a little easy. There were so many people who needed a break in life, a little coin to get them through. The question wasn’t who needed help, it was who needed it the most.
I was almost one hundred percent sure that working with her on this project was just going to complicate things between us even more. But I couldn’t let my need for self preservation squash an opportunity for all the people who could be potentially helped with Marilee’s money. I had to suck it up, do what I could to maintain my distance and help as many people as possible, nothing more. And if I stuck to my guns and did what I was supposed to do, everything would be fine. I almost laughed, knowing that I was so full of crap that I probably reeked. The truth was that even if there wasn’t a Peace Project I was in, deep.
I’d already made a list of twenty or so people who I thought should be the benefactors of Marilee’s goodwill and had prioritized the list. The people on the top were those that I thought needed help the most and also the quickest. I still wasn’t sure how the logistics were going to work out. I had planned on hammering out the details with Marilee before I went too far. Too many times I’d witnessed people suffering and as much as I tried to help them in my actions, money was an added dimension that would make things better. Marilee was about to change all that.
Light snow dusted the sidewalk in the mid-November morning, and the sky loomed a slate grey that promised more of the same. I shivered, regretting that I hadn’t listened to Gran and worn my heavier jacket. Denying that winter was really coming, by wearing a lighter jacket wouldn’t prevent its arrival. My stubbornness would only serve to help me freeze my ass off.
I pushed through the front door of the hospital. I fingered the note in my pocket, ensuring that it was still there. Inside, the hospital was seasonally festive with yards of green garland wrapped around pillars and draped on walls. Puffy red bows, silver and gold balls and glittering crystal Swarovski snowflakes adorned a fifteen foot artificial Christmas tree. The tree was smack in the center of the foyer. Santa’s chair, was surrounded by two bins ready to be filled with donated presents. The decorations did exactly what was intended, provided an awe inspiring scene for anyone who entered the place.
Though the rest of the hospital was decorated in varying degrees, it was nothing compared to the entrance. As I’d noticed for any special occasion, as soon as the decorations went up so did the energy in the place. I’d made sure that I’d arrived a few minutes early for my shift so I could run my plan by Marilee. I didn’t bother to change before I went to see her. The halls were quiet since the nurses who’d worked the nightshift had just finished up their shift and were giving their reports to the day staff.
Marilee’s door was closed but her curtain was open. I glanced in at the small lump in the bed that was her. Curled up in her pink and lavender quilt with just her head poking above, she seemed tinier than before. Her extreme weight loss worried me. She needed every pound she had, to give her the energy to get well. Although she was slowly improving since her chemotherapy cycle had finished, it was too little in my opinion.
She never complained, but I knew she was exhausted more often than not and her appetite was non-existent. I wished I could have snapped my fingers and made it all go away. Unfortunately that wasn’t how it worked, there was no magical solution or medicine that would make her better. There was only time and the hope that the drugs that they’d given her would work, because if they didn’t…
As if she knew I was there, Marilee turned over in the bed just as I stepped across the threshold of her room. Her eyes cracked open. A smile lit her porcelain face and served to make me forget about all my worries, for a few minutes at least. I closed the door behind me, careful not to make too much sound.
“Hey Jax,” she said giving me another brilliant grin. For a fraction of a second I saw the Marilee that had come in the first day. I remembered her long blonde hair, pink lips and cheeks, and the way her eyes said she was trying her best to be brave despite the hand she’d been dealt.
I tugged the curtain closed. In three long strides I made my way to the bed. She reached her arms out to me as if we’d been together for years, not days. My internal battle to keep things professional lasted all of a microsecond. I wrapped her in my embrace. When I did, I felt every one of her ribs jutting like twigs from her back. It was just one more unwelcome reminder of the very thing that threatened to unhinge my calm because it was proof that her body was being ravaged. Despite that, I needed to be strong for her. Hell, her parents were assholes, her friends flakes. She deserved someone to lean on. I wanted that someone to be me.
Once again my body worked against my good senses. My lips found hers. What began as a soft kiss rapidly turned into an intense need to be even closer than our bodies would allow. I didn’t just want to kiss her, on some level I needed her kiss more than I needed air. In my mind, the feel of her hands buried in my hair and her warm lips against mine made me feel like everything would be okay. Marilee and I would someday have a happy ending. As lame as it might have sounded I wanted to believe that if I could show her how much she mattered, I could somehow heal her broken body and make her cancer free.
My fingers grazed the smooth skin of her cheek. I fought to pull back, my mind screamed to get out while I still could. Even I knew, that it was a losing battle. The time to get out had already passed. Our mouths worked as if they were two pieces to a puzzle, melding into one. I drew in a deep breath. It was then that I smelled it, the mild scent of the drugs that they’d pumped into her system.
I didn’t want to admit that the smell bothered me, but it did. Not because it was unpleasant, but because it was one more reminder that Marilee wasn’t out of the woods yet, not by a long shot. Until she was given a clean bill of health and numbers that said she was in remission, anything could happen.
I was first to break the kiss. I stared at Marilee. Her eyes were still closed, her lips moist and full. She even had a touch of color in her cheeks. In that moment she reminded me of an angel carved from the finest stone, flawless. I shook my head, remembering that I still had to go to work.
As if the trance was broken Marilee blinked her eyes open. It only served to make her seem more ethereal. Knowing that my resolve to not kiss her again was wavering, I slid down to the end of the bed, effectively putting some distance between us. Marilee rapidly went from dreamy to suspicious. Her confused response made me want to apologize for acting like a dick, kissing her then pulling away like she suddenly had the plague. I tried for a casual smile but even I knew that it was artificial. I couldn’t hide that I was fighting an internal battle with my emotions. I had no idea if love or friendship would come out on top, but I was quite sure love was in the lead.
“Is everything okay?” Marilee asked. She had said the exact thing I didn’t want her to, seeming to hone in on my uncertainty. Once again a mantra that said I was getting in way over my head, flooded my brain. I was more than aware that the smartest thing I could do, was to maintain a distance, be friendly, but not friends, be kind but not care, like someone, but never love. With Neil’s death still fresh in my mind I knew the last thing I should have done was to my feelings for Marilee develop.
I shook my head. “No, it’s all good, I just have to get to work soon. I don’t want someone to catch us, it’s not exactly hospital protocol for the cleaners to be making out with the patients.”
She eyed me for a few more seconds. Then much to my relief she dropped it. “So, did you make a list?” she said.
I nodded. “It wasn’t hard. A heap of people need help in my part of town. Like I told you before it’s not who needs the help, it’s who needs it the most.” I pulled out the folded sheet of paper that held the names that I’d chosen.
“Mrs. Mori,” I said, relieved for the diversion.
I glanced down at the name I’d written in black ink. The name alone conjured up an image of the tiny silver-haired elderly woman who’d lived on the streets.
Mrs. Mori never begged for money and instead sold the most intricate paper and plastic packing twine origami birds, fish and flowers. I’d bought a few pieces for Gran in the past. Every time I studied the pieces I was amazed at how nimble Mrs. Mori’s fingers were. It was difficult to fathom how she so effortlessly formed her beautiful creations from scraps that she found in her environment.
From what I’d heard on the Strip, Mrs. Mori had once had a real house. But apparently when her husband had died her only son had sold the place out from under her. Now she lived in an abandoned underground subway station, with others who squatted there.
Marilee leaned back against the three pillows that were propped behind her. I could see in her weary expression, that she was doing her best to hide that she was already exhausted well before her day had begun.
“So how can we help her?” Marilee said. When she’d said
we
, warmth coursed through me. That one word served to confirm that what we were about to do was going to connect us even more than before. We had the ability to change people’s lives. It might have been only a little change and on a temporary basis, but for a while at least someone might be happier because of what Marilee and I did.
A rush of gratitude washed over me that she had included me in her plans. I tugged a tiny origami swallow from my pocket. I pulled the soft pink paper wings out, positioning it on my outstretched palm.
“For you,” I said. I pushed my hand toward Marilee. She plucked the bird gingerly from my palm and grinned.
“It’s beautiful,” she said, studying it carefully. And even though it was just a folded piece of paper, Marilee’s face shifted. Her expression of pleasure made my heart beat a little faster. It felt more than satisfying to bring happiness back to her face, no matter how fleeting it might have been. I tugged the list from my pocket, unfolded it, and smoothed my hands over the surface.
“Is that the list?” Marilee asked.
I nodded.
“That’s why I gave you the origami bird.”
“Oh?” Marilee said. Her expression told me that she had no idea where I was going with this.
“Mrs. Mori makes these little origami things, and sells them for almost nothing on the Strip. It’s what she does for money.”
Marilee gazed down at the bird again, running a finger over its crisp lines.
“She has this thing with birds. A lot of people call her the bird lady because when she’s not selling her stuff on the Strip, she’s in the park feeding the birds. Actually, she has full conversations with them,” I said, shrugging. Marilee stared at me silently. I continued.
“I think that if she didn’t use so much of her money to buy birdseed she might have a better life. Some people think she’s crazy, maybe she is, but to be honest I can’t be sure. I’ve seen her in the park too many times not to believe that she’s probably more sane then a lot of people. I know it sounds corny but I have to admire how she’s living her life, finding joy in the world around her. I’ve seen her there with her birds and I can only describe the expression on her face as utter bliss, at the very least absolute happiness.”
I paused for a second, watching Marilee’s reaction to my pick. I wasn’t sure if she would think my theory was faulty.
Marilee remained placid, and as far as I could see wasn’t judging me. I drew in a long sigh, more nervous than I’d expected. I hadn’t realized how much it mattered to me what she’d thought about my list, until right then.
“So I figured if we supplied her with some birdseed, she’d have something left over to get her a better coat and boots for the winter, or whatever she needs.”
Marilee opened her mouth to speak. I cut in before she could.
“The reason I want to buy the seed is because no matter who she is now, she’s still a proud woman who wouldn’t think it was honorable to take money for nothing.”
Marilee glanced down at the origami bird one more time. Her eyes moved to my face.
“It somehow doesn’t seem like enough, does it?” she said simply. Those few words were enough to release all the tension that had lodged in my stomach at the very moment I had pulled out the list. It was more than a relief that she didn’t think my idea was stupid.
I nodded.
“You’re right, Mrs. Mori needs so much more than a few bags of birdseed. When I was putting the list together I wanted to do big things too. But I guess when I really looked at the people who we would be helping I had to remember that it was about them, not me. Sure it would be good to buy her a new wardrobe and change everything in her life, but I realized that no matter what I think about it, she is her own person and she has a right to her individuality. I think that giving her birdseed will help her, but also preserve her dignity.”
I caught her eyes with mine. “When I was making the list I had to make peace with the concept that we have to accept that a little help can go a long way. I’d love to solve everyone’s problems but I have to accept that I can’t. There just isn’t enough money in the world that can remove all the suffering for everyone. It’s important that we get this straight before we even start. If we don’t limit our expectations we’re only going to end up disappointed.”