Authors: R.D. Power
“What video games do you have?”
“Uh, none, but I can buy whatever you—”
“Bob,” counseled Kim, “don’t try to buy his love. And Brian, don’t push it.”
“Okay,” replied Robert. “But he can pick out his favorite one, and I’ll buy it for him, all right, Kim? Phil?” They nodded, and father and son went to the store to buy the latest electronic bloodfest. The first Saturday went well—the two were hardly strangers, and pizza helped—and Brian started spending every Saturday at Robert’s. Within a few months, Brian stayed most every weekend.
Soon after returning to London, Robert at last reclaimed his steamer trunk that held cherished memories of his old life and hope for his new life. As he extracted each relic one Saturday evening, he explained the significance to his children, who took it all in with wide eyes. Brian was most impressed with the Giants jersey, Kara with the bronze medal. Brian wearing the jersey, Kara the medal, they watched and cheered for their grandmother as she skated in the Olympics for Canada.
Later that evening, Robert did a double take when he noticed his daughter holding his sister’s blanket while sucking her thumb and stroking her nose with her pinky exactly as Tara had. That brought a teary smile to his face. Before putting the trunk into a closet, Robert added a lock of Kara’s hair.
A
fter almost a month, Robert still hadn’t figured out how to happen across Kristen. He took Kara for frequent walks between Kristen’s place and her office, but never met up with her.
Kristen saw him once, but he didn’t know it. Sitting alone on a bench, thinking about a difficult case, she stopped breathing; she’d spotted him across the street. At first she didn’t believe her eyes.
No, it must be somebody else. What would he be doing here?
When he and Kara got closer, she knew it was him.
That has to be his daughter!
Kara was walking along beside him, holding on to his pinky. Overcome with emotions, she felt faint. She didn’t bat an eye lest he see her. He seemed to stroll by in slow motion, but he finally got far enough away for her to summon her strength and walk the other way.
As she mulled over the incident and struggled to come to terms with her feelings, she remained at a loss about how to construe it all. The most vital part of her was rapturous. Her soul came alive for the first time in four years.
My soul mate!
But that deep-seated sensation, as powerful and essential as it was, was still buried beneath layers of anguish, ire, disappointment, and apprehension.
Whatever this jumble of emotions meant, it gave Kristen a significant sense of disquiet, which led her to conclude that his return was unwelcome.
I can’t deny I still love … No! I can’t go through that again! If I try for him again and fail, I’ll die. I can’t take the chance of losing Mark on such a risky proposition. Oh, why is he back? I hope he’s only visiting
, said her mind, even as her being rejoiced at his return.
The next evening she had a prior engagement to keep. She was taking Mark home to meet her parents. She’d been looking forward to the dinner, but was now uncomfortable about it for reasons she couldn’t fathom. Mark was an immediate hit with Bill; the two police officers saw eye-to-eye on virtually everything they discussed. Lisa, too, was impressed with the beguiling gentleman and would have considered him an ideal match for her daughter—but for the ersatz smile on Kristen’s face all evening. She’d gotten used to a factitious smile from their daughter, but she would have thought Kristen would be genuinely happy on an evening like this.
As Kristen brought the dirty plates into the kitchen after dinner, Lisa said, “Mark seems like a great guy.”
“I’m glad you think so. I really like him.”
“Then … I’m hesitant to say this, because I know you got impatient with similar comments I’ve made in the past, but I’m your mother and I’m going to say it: you don’t seem happy.”
“Mom, I am happy with Mark.”
“Krissy, you’re my daughter, and I know you. If there’s something the matter, tell me.”
“No, I’m fine.” She stood silent for a moment, then mentioned, “I saw Bobby yesterday.”
“What? Where?” said Lisa.
“On campus. Walking along with his daughter.”
“What did you say to each other?”
“Nothing. He didn’t see me, and I was too flabbergasted to say anything.”
“So … how do you feel about this?”
“Confused and upset. I had put him behind me. I finally met someone I really like. Then Bobby shows up out of the blue. I wish he hadn’t, and I hope he isn’t staying.”
“I must say I agree. He’s hurt you too much for me to want him back in your life …” Lisa stopped when she saw how Kristen looked at her after her statement, a look that screamed,
How can you say something so vile to your own daughter?
Kristen said, “That’s precisely how I feel,” which made her mother as confused as she was. “Next time I see him, I’ll just say hello, ask him why he’s back, and make it clear I’m now with … Mark and we can only be … friends, and um … I have more dirty dishes to clear.”
Lisa stood there looking at the spot Kristen had vacated and tried to sort out what it all meant. She dwelt on it through dessert, but remained perplexed.
After the couple left, she told Bill about it, who reacted as she had earlier. “Oh, Christ, no. Mark is perfect for her. Please tell me she’s not going to give Owens another chance to beat her heart into the ground. I’m convinced the last time nearly drove her mad.”
“Well, you should’ve seen her glare at me when I suggested she should keep him out of her life. Then, as if her eyes were disconnected from her lips, she almost immediately agreed with what I said. Then, as she was saying they would just be friends, she just about burst into tears. I don’t know what’s going through her mind, but I’d swear she’s still in love with Bobby.”
“How can she possibly still love him after what he did to her? She’s a brilliant girl, and she must know he’s a lost cause.”
“That’s it, I think. Her brilliant mind is telling her just that, but her heart still wants him. Keep in mind that our daughter sat at the table with this fine man all evening, yet still seemed to be sad. We both know she hasn’t been herself since Bobby left her. We both miss our old Krissy. Let’s be careful about steering her away from the one person who may be able to make her truly happy again.”
•
Kristen didn’t have to wait long to bump into Robert again. Not able to determine a better way of meeting her, he’d continued his deliberate walks between her home and the new center. The Tuesday after Labor Day, he met her just after noon. She was taking a lunchtime stroll with Mark and spotted Robert coming down the path toward them, so she took Mark’s hand and endeavored to look composed as her heart bobbled her ears and chattered her teeth. He noticed her and, seeing her walking hand-in-hand with a man, reacted with a shocked look for a moment before he supplanted it with a forced smile.
Robert hadn’t known what to expect before they met for the first time in four years. He had hoped, of course, for a joyful reunion with professions of undying love, and an unmistakable message that she still wanted him as husband. He had feared a tearful scene of remonstration and rejection. He had worried she would be taken by another. Now that it seemed as if the last possibility were true, it thoroughly dispirited him, which made him seem distant. He struggled to cover his feelings, which made him seem awkward.
Kristen had been agitated about how their first meeting would unfold after she’d seen him the week prior. She didn’t even know what to hope for: the joyful reunion scene of Robert’s dreams or an amicable, I-hope-we-can-be-friends greeting. With Mark along, the first possibility was out, so she expected the second. What she got was a remote and distracted man, which made her happy to have Mark along for a buffer. She reacted to Robert’s icy façade with a dispassionate greeting, which would have been more in keeping with meeting an old acquaintance, one whom she would rather have avoided.
She stood five feet away with her arms folded under her breasts and opened with, “Hello, Bob. Glad to see you. I heard you were in London. This is Mark Loftus. Mark, this is Bob Owens, an old friend …”
Distressed over Mark, over her impassive reception, and over being designated as an “old friend,” he tuned out her next few words as he mechanically shook Mark’s hand. He noticed movement beyond the two. A shadow was rushing up the path as a dark cloud overtook the sun. As the shadow engulfed the three of them, Kristen and Robert felt a distinct chill, but Mark noticed nothing. She moved closer to Mark. Robert saw Kristen was expecting a response to something, so he said, “Excuse me?”
“I asked what brings you back?”
“Well,” he replied, “um, I decided to move back to London because I’d missed too much of Brian’s life already.”
“Are you are a professor here?” she asked.
“No, just a lecturer and a computer consultant. There were no openings here in computer science, and anyway I like the flexibility of part-time work because of Kara, my daughter. Jenny gave her to me. She’s a great little girl.”
She nodded and said, “I figured you’d be a professor at MIT by now.”
Robert stood there in awkward silence for a moment, trying not to panic at what was turning out to be a disastrous meeting. Why was she being so standoffish? He said perfunctorily, “I was surprised to find out you’re here, too. I figured you’d be at Stanford or the Mayo Clinic or a place like that.”
“There was an opportunity too good to pass up. I’m the assistant director of the new childhood cancer center of excellence on campus.”
“Congratulations. I’m sure you’re the perfect person for the job. Well, I have to get back to Kara.”
“Yeah, we have to get going, too. So I guess we’ll cross paths now and then.”
“Guess so. See you around.”
They went their separate ways.
Kristen and Robert spent the next few hours ruminating about the interchange, trying to discern the other’s feelings. Both came to the conclusion that there was nothing left between them. That depressed Robert to the point where he went to bed directly he put Kara to bed at eight o’clock that evening, but he lay awake all night trying to come to terms with this new reality. What to do now? Try to win her back? Move on and put her behind him?
Kristen stayed with her normal routine. Her powerful, rational brain had wrested complete control over her emotions four years ago. Yet sleep would not come to her either. She’d been irritable since his return as her heart battled with her mind, but now her discomfort moved to a new level as her soul reawakened and demanded to be heard.
The first meeting had been discomfiting, but at least it was behind her. As for the future, she decided to avoid him. Circumstances dictated otherwise, however. The next day at work she was distracted, and her boss asked her about it.
“Are you all right, Kristen? It’s not like you to deride a student like that.”
“I know. I’m letting a personal issue affect my work. I promise that will stop.”
“Can I help?”
“No, it’s just … There’s this man I used to know who I thought was out of my life forever, but now he’s back.”
“Who is he?”
“Bob Owens. I found out he’s working as a lecturer with computer sciences here.”
“He’s not a threat to you, is he?”
“Oh, no, nothing like that. It’s just a sad chapter I thought was behind me. I’m uncomfortable he’s back, but I’ll have to learn to deal with it.”
That ended the discussion for then, but it would come back to haunt Kristen soon.
When the center was designated for Western, the sponsors dictated that a state of the art computer system was to be installed to help manage patient care and administration of the center and to facilitate research. A five-person steering committee was assembled to oversee the system’s establishment. It included a professor emeritus in computer sciences—no current faculty member could spare the time—who was an expert in Fortran; a burnt-out cancer specialist who prided himself on never having used a computer; a self-important hospital administrator who claimed to be good with computers, but knew nothing of them; a representative of the Ontario government who specialized in making herself look good, but who had no talent to back up her lofty aspirations, though she’d nevertheless impressed her superiors and was moving up quickly in the bureaucracy; and a representative of the federal government who never showed up.
Along with an embarrassment of riches in incompetence, the committee had a generous four million-dollar budget for the system. They put out a call for proposals and got back a dozen replies. They selected a substandard proposal because they didn’t know any better, and it had the merit of including subcontractors from all regions of Canada with a large Quebec component. The winning group knew well how to win business with the federal government in Canada.
The four million dollars had an unwelcome string that prudent politicians tied around unwilling bureaucrats: an evaluation component. No dollar amount was designated though—politicians never take prudence very far—so the committee set aside a pittance for this unwelcome intrusion: five thousand dollars. The committee put out a call for proposals without a dollar amount stated and got twelve bids starting at $49,995.
At this point, the system was ready for beta testing, and the committee was getting desperate. They summoned the director of the center and informed her that the system would be delayed until they could get it evaluated, and there was too little money available for a proper evaluation. That was bad news, because the center could not be fully operational without it. Miriam told them she might have someone who could help, a computer specialist right here on campus.
“Kristen, a moment please,” Miriam said as she strode up to Kristen’s office door. “I need your help. You might not like it, but I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t really important. You mentioned an old acquaintance of yours was a computer guy?”