Tea with Jam and Dread (20 page)

‘But’ – I paused dramatically – ‘just as a rubber band can be stretched too tight, so it is with the human psyche. Up there at Lover’s Leap, poor young Lady Celia experienced a break from reality and thought that she imagined her deceased brother, Rupert, being pushed over the cliff by his twin. This doesn’t—’

‘I protest!’ Cee-Cee cried as she raised a dainty white fist high above her golden head.

‘Hear, hear,’ roared her father as he punched the air with an impromptu walking stick made from a length of dead sycamore branch.

‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Ascribe your own motive to lying to these good people and depriving them of their much-needed Sabbath rest. And since this was not an emergency, and therefore cannot be construed as an act of charity, Rudy Swinefister will be more than happy to assess you for the damages. Hmm, let’s see: ten rows of trampled wheat comes out to be …’ I turned to my husband. ‘Are you good at converting dollars into pounds?’

Well, that certainly did the trick; that took the wind right out of the earl’s sails. ‘Yes, yes,’ he said without moving his lips the breadth of a human hair, ‘weh tebbly close, you see. But you must undahstand that the dual role that my son Sebastian played was only to ease his mothah’s aching hawt.’

So it was that when the wind left the earl’s sails it took with it his ability to pronounce the letter ‘r.’ All of a sudden the most incomprehensible switch was flipped in my brain: whereas hitherto I have insisted that the only way to say a word is to pronounce all the letters, like the Good Lord intended, I now found the earl’s dropped consonants functioned as an aphrodisiac.

Now, a thoroughly modern woman like Millie Freedenbauer would tell you that it was the stress that made me think like that. The truth is, however, that it was the Devil – or one of his minions – plain and simple. Fortunately, I knew a sure-fire if only temporary remedy for routing them.

‘Get behind me, Satan,’ I bellowed.

Perhaps I should have given the earl a heads-up, or at least a primer on sexual repression, guilt and redemption. The poor man reared like a horse chancing upon a snake – which indeed he might well have been, given that the Devil was so near.

‘What the blazes?’ he demanded. ‘Has this woman lost her mind?’

‘Are you implying that she ever had one?’ Daphne Diffledorf said.

‘Ha, jolly good that,’ the earl said, and whether or not he intended to do so he poured petrol on difficult Daphne’s metaphoric fire.

‘I suppose now you’ll be changing your mind about spending tonight at her den of iniquity,’ Daphne said.

‘Say what?’ the earl said.

‘Well,’ said Daphne, ‘any number of murders have been committed there, and since murder is the worst of sins, it only stands to reason that other sins, such as fornication, usury, lying, envy, dishonouring one’s parents – and of course,
adultery
, have all taken place under her roof.’

‘It was
inadvertent
adultery,’ I wailed. ‘And I have never knowingly engaged in usury; I’m not even sure I know what it is.’

At that, the new Viscount of Grimsley-Snodgrass, the surviving twin, Sebastian, jumped to my defence. ‘If you were to seek my opinion,’ he said, ‘Mrs Rosen Yoder is inadvertent in just about everything that she says and does. It surely isn’t her lifestyle that bothers me; it’s the desiccated corpse that she keeps on her lift.’

You could have heard a frog fart all the way over from Miller’s pond. Unfortunately, that golden silence lasted all of two seconds, and then a torrent of noise broke loose. Thanks heavens that Toy was the first to react, and he did so by blowing a small, silver-tone whistle that had become tangled in his chest hairs.

‘
You
,’ Toy said, pointing at Sebastian, ‘do not have diplomatic immunity, so get that notion out of your head, if that’s what you were thinking. One more word about what you saw at Miss Yoder’s this morning and I will have you put back on the first plane to London. Do I make myself clear?’

‘But sir,’ Sebastian said, his lower lip quivering, although his upper lip did remain rather smooth and stationary. ‘I meant no harm; truly I didn’t.’

‘We shall see,’ Toy said. ‘In the meantime, the rest of you – with the
exception
of the Grimsley-Snodgrasses, Magdalena and family – ah, yes, and Agnes; the rest of you go home and don’t repeat a word of what you heard here. Otherwise you might be charged with hindering an ongoing investigation. Now,
get going
. All of you. Out of here.’

‘Harrumph,’ said Daphne Diffledorf, and with such force that even her third chin wobbled like an undercooked soufflé. ‘I don’t think that “hindering an ongoing investigation” is even a charge.’ Nonetheless, as directed, she obediently shuffled back to the parking lot along with the rest of her husband’s hapless flock. Since Daphne is so contrary that she would give me the shirt off her back – but only if I told her that I didn’t want it – I knew in my bones that she was certainly up to something no good.

W
ith the madding, and very maddening, c
rowd gone, Toy surveyed the surrounding destruction thoroughly before climbing up on the tractor. In my eyes, at least, the extra height added to the young man’s authority.

‘Rudy is going to be really pissed off when he sees this,’ he said.

‘I’ll thank you not to swear in my presence, Toy,’ I said. ‘Just because one has authority it does not give him the right to be crude.’

‘I dare say,’ the earl dared to say, ‘I would hardly count that as swearing.’

‘My mom says that folks should mind their own business,’ Alison said.

Toy winked at my daughter, which made her blush. ‘Getting back to business,’ he said, ‘since these foreigners were your guests, and their lies, however well-intentioned, were the root of all this’ – Toy clutched the tractor seat with his muscular thighs as he stood to wave his arms – ‘you will, of course, compensate Rudy for his loss.’

‘Hold your horses, young man!’ I said, perhaps a mite too belligerently for a good Christian, especially on a Sunday.

‘I think that it is quite fair,’ said the Babester with a chuckle.

‘Oh, you do, do you?’ I said. ‘That means that there’ll be less for you to inherit.’

‘Who says you’re going to die first?’ he said.

‘I’m definitely going first if my blood pressure gets any higher,’ I said.

‘Waa!’ Alison sobbed and flung herself into the ample arms of my best buddy, her ‘Aunt’ Agnes. ‘I’m going to be an orphan,’ she cried. ‘A
real
one this time.’

Agnes glared at me. ‘Stop being a cheapskate, Mags, and pony-up for the damages. You are traumatizing your poor daughter for, what to you, amounts to a widow’s mite.’

From beneath the fleshy folds of Agnes’s arms I saw Alison winking at Toy. Even now, on the brink of womanhood, that girl is already a master manipulator. Someday she is going places; I’m just afraid that none of them are going to be Pennsylvanian addresses.

I sighed so hard that I practically exhaled my ability to hyperbolize. ‘OK, OK,’ I said in a breathy voice. ‘Far be it from me to cause my beloved child any more emotional trauma. Now permit me the luxury of thinking aloud. Poor Rudy is much disliked in this community, so what if I turn my entire estate over to him? We could go live in some cold, barren room at the convent, eat only vegan meals – that wouldn’t be so bad. No TV, no radio, no books, no allowances to pay – that would be very freeing.’

Suddenly Alison was back in the long, bony arms of the
master
manipulator. ‘Ya wouldn’t really do that, would ya, Mom?’

‘Grandma Ida,’ I whispered.

‘Yeah,’ she said, ‘no way you could live there.’

‘I heard that,’ Gabe said. Believe me, if someone in Kuala Lumpur were to whisper his mama’s name, his ears would swivel in that direction.

‘Actually, Magdalena is on the right track,’ Toy said. ‘You are all going to be quartered at the Convent of the Sisters of Perpetual Apathy for the foreseeable future; the PennDutch Inn is now an official crime site.’

The earl sputtered like a diesel engine with sugar poured into its tank, while Gabe the Babester looked like a man torn between two lovers and feeling like a tool.

‘What about me?’ Agnes said. ‘Do I get to stay at the Convent of the Sisters of Perpetual Apathy? I mean, I really don’t care if I do, but then again it would be nice.’ I’ve known Agnes since we shared a bathtub when we were babies; it was gin clear that my newly widowed friend was dying for company, even if that meant being quartered with the miserable apostates.

‘Yes, yes,’ I said with hyper-enthusiasm. ‘Hie thee to a nunnery. Ha, ha.’

‘I believe she is speaking the Pennsylvania Dutch language,’ the earl said to his children. ‘It really isn’t Dutch, but an old form of Swiss-German.’

‘My,’ I said, ‘you are surprisingly well-informed, for a
foreigner
.’

‘Was that kind?’ Agnes said. ‘This man is our guest.’

I hung my horsey head in shame. ‘Please accept my apology, Your Lordship. It’s just that most folks don’t read through the brochures that I send them through the mail.’

His Lordship jumped back as if I were about to touch him with my coarse, peasant hands. His noble noggin wobbled on his spindly inbred neck – not that I’m judging, mind you – and he was hard-pressed to keep the monocle in place.

‘We’re not “most folks,” I’ll have you know. I’m the Twelfth Earl of Grimsley-Snodgrass. My ancestor was given his titles by King Henry the VIII. In fact, I have more royal
English
blood than—’

‘Stuff and nonsense,’ Alison said in what I thought was a ding-dang good imitation of Lady Celia’s accent.

Of course everyone was stunned, and truly none were more horrified than Alison’s father. ‘She didn’t mean that,’ the Babester blurted out before bedlam could erupt.

‘I did
so
mean it,’ Alison said stoutly. ‘We don’t get to choose our ancestors so we shouldn’t get credit for who they were. And anyway, we read about this Henry guy in school, and he was a really mean man. He kept getting rid of his wives, and all because they couldn’t give him a son. He’d have their heads lopped off, like they was chickens or turkeys. Then he’d go and marry him another one.’

The Earl of Grimsley-Snodgrass grasped hold of his monocle tightly and leaned in to inspect Alison as if she might have been a polo pony that had suddenly begun to speak. Of course, it brought to mind the story of Balaam’s ass in the Bible.

‘Jolly good,’ he said at last. ‘This child makes a good point. Perhaps if I ever were to divorce Countess Aubrey I could send for this one, and then
she
could become the next Countess Grimsley-Snodgrass.’

‘
Eew!
’ Alison said. ‘Yuck!’

Thank heavens that Toy can think fast on his well-shaped feet. ‘Gabe, stop! If you punch the earl in the nose you’ll be charged with assault and it won’t be worth it. If vengeance is what you’re after, then tell your mama, Mother Superior of the Sisters Who Feel Inferior.’

Even the Babester had to laugh at that. Before long it was all sorted out, and the mob of nobs and their minders – that would be Gabe, Alison and Agnes – were headed over to bed down at my mother-in-law’s supposed convent, where folks were free to frolic about in the altogether like the heathens that they were.

I insisted on tarrying behind with Toy. This time it was me who carried Little Jacob on my hip.

‘What is it?’ Toy asked when he was quite sure that the others were far enough away so that we could not be overheard.

‘I’m not sleeping over at the Den of Iniquity,’ I said.

‘Then
where
?’ he said. ‘You can’t go back to the inn.’

‘You can’t stop me. I
have
to go back; I have two cows and a horse to feed, not to mention twenty-three hens and a very large cock – I mean rooster.’

‘I know what a cock is, Magdalena; I’m not stupid.’

‘I’m sorry. Anyway, I intend to sleep in my own bed tonight, and I will be taking Little Jacob with me so that I can give him a bath and he can sleep in his own bed. But you needn’t worry; we won’t touch your precious crime scene. My bedroom is on the ground floor and the corpse is upstairs, lying supine – albeit a wee bit flattened – across the roof of my lift. Uh, that means elevator.’

‘Yes,’ said Toy, ‘I know what that means, as well. Big cock and a lift. Gotcha.’

‘Don’t be coy, Toy,’ I said. ‘I’m not going to have my toddler living over there in the pigsty of apostasy.’

‘So an open tomb is better?’ Toy said. ‘Somehow I fail to see the logic. Besides, doesn’t it spook you out the least little bit?’

‘Logic shmogic,’ I said. ‘Yoko-san has been in that shaft all along; why should this night be any different? Little Jacob will not be getting upstairs, I can promise you that, and if Yoko-san was going to haunt me, she would have done so by now. Anyway, good Christians don’t believe in ghosts.’

‘Funny, but I could swear that you did. I’ve seen you talk to your granny.’

‘I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, officer.’

Toy shook his sinfully handsome head. ‘I’m really sorry, Magdalena, but I can’t allow it. Not until I can get a forensic team in here from Pittsburgh, and that could take days.’

‘Harrumph,’ I said as I furrowed my brow so deep that one could plant corn between the hillocks. ‘In this one-horse town it is the mayor who hires and fires the police force. Since I art the mayor, and thou art the police force, I say that either thou wilt allow me to sleep in mine own bed or I shall be forced to fire thee.’

Toy looked like a wounded boy. I wanted to throw in the towel that second. Almost … sort of. I would be willing to eat off the so-called convent floors, even the chairs where all those naked bottoms had been – no, not that, but almost – not to see the way that he looked at me.

‘I quit,’ he said.

‘What?’ I cried.

‘Magdalena, you’re making it impossible for me to do my job. Just because you’re by far the wealthiest individual in this village and single-handedly pay for all the services, that doesn’t give you the right to be a dictator.’

‘But I’m a benevolent dictator,’ I cried. ‘I don’t lop off heads or compel anyone to pray before school – even though, Lord only knows, those Episcopalian twins, in junior high, could stand a demonstration of how a proper prayer is done.’

Toy raised a groomed yet heterosexual eyebrow. ‘Are we being a bit judgemental?’

‘I was observing, not judging. Just to show you how impartial I am, it is my observation that the children who attend the church with thirty names, out near the Turnpike, would do well to lay off the sweets and fried foods.’

‘Now, that is just mean,’ Toy said.

‘How is that mean?’ I asked. ‘The Bible says that we are to maintain our bodies as temples for the Lord, but some of those kids have added enough extra space to their temples that they are competing with the Vatican City for size.’

‘Never mind; I give up,’ Toy said.

‘But you don’t quit, right?’

‘I guess. But I am counting on your word, as a God-fearing woman, that you won’t be sneaking upstairs for one more peek at poor Miss Yoko-san.’

‘Yes, sir.’ I gave him a clumsy salute.

‘Cut it out. But hey,’ he added, just as he started to turn away. ‘One more thing. When you went off to speak to Rudy, I got another call. This one was about the owner of a convenience store on the east side of Pittsburgh.’

I felt like a tray of ice cubes had been dumped down the back of my dress. ‘Oh?’

‘The owner of the convenience store claims to have seen your brother in his store this morning.’

‘
Pittsburgh?
That’s just an hour away! What was Melvin doing in Pittsburgh? How did this convenience store owner know that Melvin was my brother? How did Melvin behave in the store?’

Toy turned entirely so that he faced me square on. ‘So many questions. For starters, I don’t know why Melvin was in Pittsburgh – but at least he’s
there
, and not
here
, even if it is just an hour away. As for how he behaved himself; he robbed the poor fellow, who had only recently arrived from India with all his savings to purchase the franchise. Fortunately, Mr Rashid was a portrait painter in India and he did a bang-up job on his own police sketch, which in turn, matched the FBI’s most-wanted poster perfectly.’

‘Jiminy Cricket! So then it was the FBI who called you?’

‘No,’ Toy said, ‘it was local. No doubt the FBI has their hands full at the moment.’

‘Quite so,’ I said. ‘No doubt that their hands are full of soap and warm water as they blithely wash them.’

‘Say what?’ Toy said. ‘Was that sarcasm? If so, whatever for?’

‘Let’s just say that my problems with Melvin, with him wanting to kill me and members of my family, must be really small potatoes to the FBI. That serial killer, half-wit, half-brother of mine has been running across state lines for nigh on two years, and these phone calls you’ve gotten lately are the first real evidence that the Preying Menace still lives.’

‘I thought that you called him the Praying Mantis,’ Toy said.

‘He’s both,’ I said.

‘Magdalena, do you want me to crash at the inn tonight?’

‘No!’

‘Good,’ Toy said with a smile. ‘Because I hate ghosts – no offense, Granny Yoder.’

‘But,’ I said, ‘you can still do a huge favour for me.’

‘Anything – but
that
. I have boundaries, you know, and I respect your husband’s fists.’

‘You also have
chutzpah
,’ I said. I allowed a broad smile to lift the corners of my pale, thin lips. ‘Believe me, dear, I was not asking you to dance the mattress-mamba with me.’

‘Of course not,’ he said quickly. ‘Besides, I’m a virgin.’

‘You are not!’

‘Yes, ma’am, I am.’

‘Get out of town and back!’ I said. It was a phrase of incredulity that I had picked up from Toy himself.

But how could such a thing possibly be true? Toy had ‘movie-star’ good looks. That was back in the day before I opened the PennDutch Inn and stars such as – well, never you mind. Let’s just say that some of today’s crop don’t bear a strong resemblance to Rock Hudson and Paul Newman but look more like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

‘I was painfully shy,’ Toy said. ‘I still am.’

‘Well, well, well, how very interesting,’ I said. I said it quite kindly, of course. ‘Perhaps I can help you overcome your shyness – just not today. What I need from you now is help to get a message to the Babester.’

‘The
who
?’

‘My studmuffin – Gabriel.’

‘Oh,’ Toy said. ‘So you really don’t have designs on
me
?’

‘Well, you
are
very handsome; there is no denying that. But even if I were considering such a heinous sin, the fact that you are yet a virgin puts me way out of your league.’

‘Come on, Magdalena, you know I’m just
toying
with you.’