Tears on My Pillow (7 page)

December 7
th
2013

Saturday

Qia

     My lunch with Chandler turned out to be extremely interesting. I am sort of at a loss for words but at the same time I want to be level headed about the situation at least until I get some real proof. Being a biologist, I am use to forming a hypothesis and then doing an experiment to prove or disprove my initial guess. I am deep in thought trying to think about what I am going to do to get some proof when I hear the alarm beep which lets me know Jakari is home. A few seconds later he appears in the doorway of the living room.
“Hi my Queen.”

     “Hello my King. How was your workout?”
I ask giving him a slight smile but really wishing I could read his thoughts.

     “It was cool.”
He replies as if he is waiting for what may be coming next. After he sees that I have nothing else to say he says
“I’m going to go ahead and get in the shower.”

     “Okay.”
I respond and wonder why he seems to be lingering as if he thinks I may have something additional up my sleeve. Is he guilty or paranoid and waiting for me to explode on him. I pretend to go back to watching TV. I feel so guilty about what I am about to do but I feel like it has to be done. I have always been told where there is smoke there is fire.

     I feel the tears stinging my eyes as I realize how for the first time in eleven years I don’t trust the man of my dreams. For the first year or two I would check up on him to verify things that he told me but once I felt like he was being faithful and truthful I stopped doing that. I don’t like feeling like I have to check up on another individual. This feeling of distrust I have hurts. It hurts like hell.

     I use my sleeves to wipe away my tears and mute the TV while waiting for the shower to come on. I have known the password for Jakari’s cell phone for some time now unless he changed it. One night we were watching a movie and I was leaning back on his chest when he put in his code absent mindedly not paying attention to the fact that I was there and could see his screen.

     I hear the water come on so I get up and head towards my bedroom. I walk in the room hoping that he left his phone on the bed like he usually does. I spot it in the middle of the bed. I look at the bathroom door as I walk over to the bed and pick up his phone. I start to enter the letters in my middle name, Renaii. I press the letters slowly R….E…..N….A…..I and before I press the last letter I find myself praying that it didn’t work. I am so scared to find out for certain that he is cheating. It will turn my whole world upside down! I am in such a weird place. I want to know for sure and I feel like I need to know for sure but at the same time I want to close my eyes and continue to live the life I have known for the past eleven plus years. I press the last I in my middle name and the screen unlocks. My hands begin to shake and my heart seems like it is beating so loud that I feel Jakari can hear it all the way in the shower.

     I finish installing the SMS tracker plus app that I found online just as Jakari shuts off the shower water. I quickly hit the home button to make sure his phone was on the same screen it was on when he last had his phone and quickly lock the screen and place it back in the middle of our bed. I high tail it back to the living room. I am so nervous I couldn’t stop fidgeting. I thought I was going to have enough time to look through the phone but I didn’t so I will have to do that another day if need be.

December 14
th
2013

Saturday

Qia

     The past week has me feeling awful. Every time I get an email notification I feel like throwing up because I am scared of what it might be. Honestly, I have already thrown up a couple of times before opening the emails because I had convinced myself that I was going to catch my husband cheating. This is truly driving me crazy.

     I am somewhat put at ease because so far all of Jakari’s text messages are legitimate. I feel so dirty from having spied on him that the first chance I get I am going to uninstall that app I put on his phone.

     I am so happy that Jakari’s monster grill was delivered yesterday because he and Chandler are out on the patio drinking beer and attempting to put it together. I see his phone on the kitchen table. I check to see if Jakari is looking and he isn’t. I step to the side so he can’t see me from the patio and unlock his phone so I can uninstall the app. I breath a heavy sigh of relief when the uninstall is complete and just as I get ready to put his phone back on the table it begins to ring in my hands. It scares the hell out of me so I almost drop it. I quickly recover and walk over to the screen door just as Jakari is opening it and hand him his phone.
“Here baby it’s your dad.”
I say handing him his phone.

     “Thank you baby, I was on my way to get it.”
He smiles while pressing accept.

     “No problem my King, I was just coming to check on you when it started ringing.”
I return his smile with my own and think what a close call that was. I turn around and go into the living room and collapse on the couch.

December 14
th
2013

Saturday

Jakari

     I have taken the past week to try and stop all my childish antics. I came so close to getting caught last week and it really scared me. I had text Kelly on the way home from her place last Saturday and told her that I was done. I told her that I no longer want to see her and to not try and contact me because she will be ignored. I really want to turn over a new leaf. Qia is all I need and I saw that so clearly last week when I thought I was about to lose her but why in the hell did side pussy have to be so good?

     I’m sitting in the locker room at the gym getting ready to throw on my gear and head back home. Qia is at her weekly lunch date with Chan so I don’t really have anything to rush home for. I am scrolling through the contacts in my phone and begin to notice all the one night stands and flings I have had over the years. I have a little over five hundred contacts in my phone and most of them are females that I have had some type of sexual contact with.

      My thumb pauses by Kandi’s name. She used to be a desk clerk here at the gym. I flash back to when I had her screaming my name in one of the shower stalls here. I remember how she bent down and allowed the water to cascade over her face as she devoured my rod. My phone vibrates and cuts that memory short. I see that I have a message on FB. I open the app and go into my messages and see that it’s a message from Anjela.
“Shit.”
I whisper as I remember I was supposed to call her so we could set something up.

     I open the message and read it. ‘Jakari I am disappointed I thought you said you were going to give me another night? The same way I sent you this message through FB I can send Mrs. Roberson one as well. I don’t really want to have to do that. What I really want is you.’ I sat on the bench staring at the message and for the first time feeling like I am losing control of these women. It is like every which way I turn I am faced with bullshit. I can handle it though. I am going to fuck this bitch one last time and then it will be just me and Qia like it should have been years ago.

     I send Anjela a message back. ‘Anjela I apologize for my tardiness in getting back to you for our rendezvous but I have had a lot going on. Don’t be mad please I have something special planned for us. Give me a few hours and I will get back to you with the date and time for our get a way.’ I hit send and sit for a few more minutes just trying to think of what I am going to do to make this date happen. Anjela sends me a message right back. ‘Okay I look forward to our get a way and I can’t wait to see what you have up your sleeve but don’t forget I said one more night. I don’t want some two or three hour little escapade. I want you for a whole overnight session.’

     This chick is doing way too much. I turn off my screen and put my phone in my pocket without replying. I will respond when I set everything up and contact her to give her the details.

    I don’t know how I am going to pull this one off because one thing I have NEVER done is stay out all night on Qia. I do all my dirt during the respectable hours of the day and when I know exactly where my wife is and what she is doing. This is going to be a real test but if I can just get through this last infidelity maybe I can finally turn over a new leaf.

December 14
th
2013

Saturday

Anjela

     I was more than in shock when Jakari showed up at my job with his new wife. I hadn’t seen or heard from him in more than two years. And until the moment he was sitting right in front of me, I thought I was completely over him. I guess I was wrong because my emotions clearly got the best of me. I had heard he had gotten married but it didn’t tear me up inside until I actually saw him with her.

     I am sitting at the stop light on my way to work and I think back to that hot summer day when Jakari and I first met. We met at Forest Park when he was playing basketball with his boys and I was playing volleyball with my girls. My volleyball game with the girls ended before Jakari’s game did so we sat on the sidelines and watched the remainder of the game and admired the beautiful shades of chocolate in front of us as they ran back and forth and up and down the court.

     I should have just left my friends and took my happy ass home since my apartment complex was just down the street from the park. At the time I met Jakari, I had been celibate for six months. My previous relationship had not ended on great terms. Josef and I had been together for about three years when I found out he had been playing me like the strings on a guitar the whole time. So when our relationship ended I decided that I was not going to get involved with or have sex with another guy until I knew he was the one. However, I didn’t listen to my inner voice and I stayed with my girls until the end of the game. Of course, their flirtatious behinds had to start clapping and whistling which caused the fellas to come over and talk to us. All I could think of while he stood in front of me dripping sweat was damn he fine! He had on some grey basketball shorts with no shirt and a pair of blue, grey, and white Nikes. He approached me and our conversation went smooth and I found myself feeling very comfortable with him very quickly.

     We ended up exchanging numbers and friending each other on Facebook. We began having little lunch dates and picnics at the park a couple of times a week for over a thirty day period. I fell in love with his conversation, his chivalry, and his green eyes so needless to say I began to let my guard down. The minute I did that I allowed him to take my body to heights it had never been too in all my twenty four years. He ravished and explored every part of me on a picnic table deep in the middle of the wooded park. When we parted ways at the park that evening, I was under the impression that our relationship had moved up a level or two. Later that evening I couldn’t get him off my mind so I called him and got sent straight to voicemail. Realizing that he was a professor I thought maybe it wasn’t a good time for him so he couldn’t answer the phone. I sent him a Facebook message but that went unopened for days. I tried to look at his page and noticed that we were no longer friends on FB either. Then the thing that really tore me up is about five days later I saw him at the park with his boys playing ball so I sat and watched them play thinking that when they finished he would come over to me but I should have known he wouldn’t once I noticed that he didn’t even seem to notice I was there. The game ended and he walked right by me got in his car and drove away. I felt like a freaking fool. I was so hurt that I never tried to contact him after that and discontinued going to the park as well.

     I pull into a parking spot in the parking lot of Red Lobster and turn off my car as I think about how unbelievable it was when Jakari and his wife ended up at my job and were seated in the section that I had to serve. It took me a few minutes to gather myself after seeing them to be able to approach their table, but once I did, the hurt, anger, and the confusion I felt bubbled back up to the surface. I could tell that this conniving son of a bitch was going to continue to act like he didn’t know me from a can of paint and I was not going to let it ride that time.

     My heart was beating so fast when he said that he wanted me to take him to my supervisor but I knew that he really just wanted to get me away from his wife so I lead him to the back by the restrooms. I couldn’t believe he was acting like he played up him and Qia’s relationship when we first met and that I knew it was going to be a one-time only event. I mean seriously after all the conversations we had he knew what I wanted and that I was practicing celibacy. Then to add insult to injury he wanted to offer me some money like I am a broke dependent bitch. Nah bruh you are not going to get off that easy.

     I have given Jakari more than enough time to set up this night together and to call me but he hasn’t done so. I grew tired of waiting so I sent him a little message today and I am glad he took the smart route this time and decided to answer me back. I can’t wait until he gives me the date and time for our rendezvous because I am going to set up an audience for us. There is no denying that I want to have sex with him again because he was amazing but I also want to make him hurt the way he hurt me two years ago.