Authors: TJ Klune
“Maybe this time will be different,” Mom said.
“Or maybe it won’t,” Dad said. “Maybe
this
was your big breakup. Maybe it won’t work out. The point is that you’ll never know unless you try.”
“That’s reassuring,” I muttered.
“And you’re going whether you like it or not,” Nana said. “Even if I have to drag your ass there myself. Or maybe I could just call him for you right now?” She pulled out her phone. I made a lunge for her, but Mom and Dad traitorously held me back by my arms.
“I
will
call him,” Nana said.
“Why is everyone threatening me with phone calls today?” I growled.
“Because that’s the only thing you understand,” Sandy said.
“Oh, look,” Nana said. “I just hit another button.”
“You don’t even have his phone number,” I smirked, calling her bluff.
She read it off. She had his phone number.
“Oh sweat balls,” I mumbled, knowing I’d lost. “Fine. Jesus Christ.”
“I’m pretty sure I want to hug all of you right now,” Sandy gushed.
Gross. “I’m leaving before there’s hugging. I don’t think I want to drown in the sap anymore. This has been enough family time to last me the rest of my life. Don’t touch me.”
But, of course, as soon as I said it, I was surrounded. It was pretty fucking lame.
Sort of.
C
UE
the cheesy music.
I drove faster than I probably should have. I was nervous as all hell. All I wanted to do was to have Vince look at me and tell me he loved me just so I could say it back. I wanted to protect him from all the shit that was about to happen to him. I wanted to make everything better so he wouldn’t have to be upset ever again. Unlikely? Probably. Unreasonable? Sure. People do the stupidest things when they’re in love, no question. And while I still doubted myself, I don’t think I doubted him.
Well, not until I pulled up to his apartment at least.
And got out of my car.
And started walking toward his front door.
And looked in the big window in his living room.
And saw him up against a wall, his head rocked back, eyes closed, mouth slack.
And saw the Homo Jock King wrapped around him, his face buried in Vince’s neck, his body molded into Vince’s, pressing him against the wall.
And saw Vince’s arms around Darren, rubbing his back, up and down.
Yeah. There was the doubt right fucking there. A whole shitload of it.
My heart broke. And I turned to walk away.
The Clichéd Part Near The End Where We Break Up
I
MADE
it back to my car, numb. I knew it had been too good to be true. I knew that I wasn’t the type Vince went for. I knew he’d been full of shit. I knew he’d been Freddie Prinze Junioring me this whole time. I knew he’d never wanted me to begin with. I was too fat. I was too wary. I was too sarcastic. I was awkward and clumsy and didn’t have the best hair or teeth. I didn’t have abs and I didn’t have a fourteen-inch cock. I worked a stupid job and I lived in a stupid house with my stupid two-legged dog. I was bland. Boring. Ordinary. I was Paul Auster and I was nothing.
But that look….
That look on his face when he’d given me a star, nervous and shy.
That look on his face as he lowered himself onto me, filled with wonder.
I got angry.
Then I got possessive.
Then I said “balderdash” really loudly for some reason.
Then I almost got in the car and drove away.
Then I stopped myself.
Then I knew I wasn’t going down without a fight.
I’d take Darren on if I had to.
I’d show Vince. I’d show him why he belonged with me.
I’d fight the Homo Jock King. I’d duel for the chance to win Vince’s hand. Ten paces at dawn with a pistol. Or a sword. Or my fists. Whatever.
“Fuck this noise,” I said, turning back around.
The Non-Clichéd Part Where I Go After What’s Mine
A
ND
my anger/bravery/awesomeness didn’t even deflate when Vince opened his door after I’d pounded on it, looking less than pleased to see me. I almost felt bad for disrupting his foreplay, but then I realized I didn’t feel bad about that at all.
“Paul,” he said tightly.
I pushed past him. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt the love fest. Darren! So nice to see you here. Get your ass outside so I can beat the shit out of you. Now.”
Darren eyes went comically wide. “Excuse me?”
I got right up in his face. “You and me? We’re going to duel.”
He snorted. “What the hell did you smoke?”
“A can of whoop ass,” I told him. Then I thought about what I’d just said. “Wait… that didn’t make sense. Quick, ask me again. I can do this.” I popped my neck and hopped on both feet like I was a boxer. Gettin’ loose. Gettin’ loose.
“What?”
“Ask me again what I smoked.”
“I don’t… what are you talking about?”
“Just do it!”
“Okay? What did you smoke?”
“No, you have to say it like you did before.”
“How did I say it before?”
“You were slightly amused, sarcastic and angry. I think. And you have to say ‘hell’ again too. Makes it sound more hard core when there’s cussing.”
“Saying ‘hell’ is cussing?”
“Yeah. Well, my dad says it is.”
“You are so weird.”
“You and me?” I growled at him. “We’re going to duel.”
He stared at me.
“Say your line!” I hissed at him.
“Er. What the hell did you smoke?”
“Nothing,” I said grandly. “Because I
don’t
smoke because smoking kills five hundred thousand Americans every year.
Dammit
! That didn’t make sense either! Why can’t I think of really awesome comeback lines?”
“Oh, is that what we’re doing? Do it to me now. I’ve got a good one. I’ll start.” Darren took a step back and puffed up his chest. “You and me?” he snapped. “We’re going to duel.”
I got a little scared at that. “What the hell did you smoke?” I squeaked.
“Your dad’s pole,” he snarled at me. Then he grinned. “How was that? I’ve got some other ones if you—”
I punched him in the mouth.
I didn’t mean to. Honestly. I didn’t even realize my fist was cocked back behind my head until it was too late. My arm shot forward and my knuckles collided with his lips and I remember thinking
this was probably not my best idea
while his head snapped back. And as much as I’m sure it hurt him, holy fuck, the pain that shot through my hand was
wicked
.
“Son of a bitch!” I howled, holding my hand, sure it was going to fall off.
“You just punched me!” Darren said, covering his mouth with his hand.
“Is your face made of
metal
? Are you the fucking
Terminator
? Did Skynet take over and I didn’t know about it? All my bones are broken because of your face!” My hand felt like it was on fire, and I was pretty sure that bone chips were breaking off into my bloodstream and working their way up to my brain where they would become lodged, eventually leading to my death.
“What the
hell
, Paul?” Vince said angrily. “Why did you hit him?” He had his hands curled at his sides like he was getting ready to take
me
on as well. I wondered if I still had fight left in my left hand, because my right was useless.
“I
saw
you,” I said, all rational reason and thought pretty much done for the day. “Through the window! He was all up on your nut sac and he wants to bone you and you’ve been Freddie Prinze Junioring me this whole time, haven’t you!”
“You want to bone me?” Vince asked Darren, a slightly disgusted look on his face. “Dude.”
“What?” Darren shouted. “No, I don’t want to fucking bone you! That’s gross!”
Now I was offended
for
Vince. And myself, since that reflected on my taste. “He’s not gross!” I yelled back, stepping in between the two of them, protecting Vince from Darren’s dangerous libido. “He’s pretty fucking awesome and you can’t have him! He’s mine and you need to stay the fuck away.”
“Paul,” Darren said, “Vince is my
brother
.”
“I don’t fucking care if he’s your
mom
, you still can’t fuck him, becau—Wait. What?”
“Vince is my brother,” he said again, and it made less sense the second time. He looked over my shoulder at Vince. “And I do
not
want to bone you. You’re not
that
hot.”
“Thank God,” Vince sighed. “I thought you wanted to have sex with me and I didn’t know how to tell you that incest is not something that turns me on. Well, twins, maybe.”
“Twins turn you on?” I asked him, shocked. “That’s… ew.” But inwardly I cursed that I did not have a twin right at that moment. Not that I would have done anything with said twin. That would be wrong. Maybe.
He shrugged. “One of those things. Kind of like your box of toys hiding under your bed.”
“Yeah, but dildos aren’t related! And how the fuck are you brothers? I’ve never heard that before. Anytime you were mentioned, the news said you were the only child.”
Darren smiled, but there was no humor in it. “Yeah, well, you probably wouldn’t have heard that, would you? I’m the deep, dark secret.”
“I am so confused,” I said. Today was just another day in the weirdest week in the history of all weeks.
“Vince’s dad is my dad.”
“Okay?
“His mom is not my mom.”
“But… not his mom?”
Darren shook his head.
I thought on it. “And how old are you?”
“Twenty-six.”
“And Vince is twenty-eight. So… oh. Oh shit.”
“You got it?”
I looked at Vince. “Your dad cheated on your mom?” I sounded aghast.
And she stayed with him? And she
sided
with him over her own son?
Suddenly, all the goodwill that I had built up toward Lori Taylor collapsed. I was once again angry with a dying woman. I hated the feeling, but I think I might have hated her just a little bit more. I tried to keep from showing it on my face. This wasn’t supposed to be about me. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.
He smiled tiredly at me before it faded. “What are you doing here, Paul?”
“I’m pretty sure I came to get you back, but now I don’t even know if you went anywhere? Did you? Or, if you did, if I had any right to come after you. Did I?” I sounded idiotic, but I couldn’t stop it.
He gave me a weird look. “You came after me even though I told you to stay away?”
“Er. Yes?”
Stop sounding like you’re asking questions!
“Yes. That’s exactly what I did. You see, my parents, Nana, Sandy, and Wheels all had an intervention after my dad unscrewed my door. Nana already had a speech written out in case I got addicted to meth which, to be honest, I never really thought about, but now that she mentioned it, I can’t stop thinking about it. Uh. Wait. Not that I want to
do
meth or anything, just like… you know… what would I be like
on
meth? I don’t even know what meth does to you. Is it like bath salts? Does it turn you into a zombie and you go around eating other people’s faces? I don’t think I’d make a very good zombie because I get really grossed out by the sight of blood and the thought of eating someone else makes me queasy. As it rightly should. So, I guess the point of this, which I hope to arrive at soon because I can’t seem to shut my mouth if my life depended on it, is that I’m not a zombie. I’m not addicted to meth. I’m addicted to you and I don’t want you to go anywhere without me again.”
Silence. Blessed silence. Prolonged silence. Awkward silence. Excruciating silence.
Then:
Vince made a noise almost like a sob. “And you wonder why I—” He stopped himself before he finished
that
sentence, and I literally almost shat myself thinking of the possible ways it could have ended.
Here’s what my mind came up with:
1) “And you wonder why I think you’re insane? Did you just
hear
yourself talk? Paul, this is so over, it’s not even funny. Get out of my life. I hate your face.”
2) “And you wonder why I was trying to get up on my brother? Because the idea of incest is more appealing than being with you ever again. I was using my brother to wash the memory of you from my head because I’m that grossed out by you.”
3) “And you wonder why I didn’t tell you about my parents? I’m so embarrassed by you that I couldn’t ever imagine them meeting you. Oh, and by the way, I faked all my orgasms with you.”
4) “And you wonder why I decided to Freddie Prinze Junior you? You just came from an intervention at your house and are standing in the middle of my apartment after you just punched my boyfriend/brother Darren, asking me to get back together with you. What part of that makes you think I would
ever
get in your mangina again? You were a
bet
, Paul. You were nothing but a
bet
.”
5) “And you wonder why I think you’ll be alone forever? No one can handle your crazy, Paul. No one. Especially not me.”
I almost begged him to finish the thought, but I didn’t think I wanted to hear the answer. I’d pretty much embarrassed the crap out of myself (I
punched
Darren, for fuck’s sake; I
punched
the Homo Jock King!), and I didn’t know what else there was to say. Opening my mouth seemed to have gotten me in a shitload of trouble, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore.
Of course, my mouth didn’t listen to my brain. I was pretty sure I needed to be medicated.
“And I wonder why you… what?” I asked Vince.
He watched me for a moment before shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter. Not right now.” His face went blank again, and I hated it. I hated the look on his face, and I hated not touching him when he was right in front of me. I hated feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be there to help him, like he didn’t think I could handle the shit he was going through.