Tell Them Lies (Three Little Words Book 3) (19 page)

"It kind of has to do with why I asked about being careful. I never realized just how much I was the same way. And," Liz stopped and looked up at her mom from under her lashes, suddenly feeling like she needed to apologize, "and I'm not sure if like it."

The laugh that came out of her mom's mouth made Liz's jaw drop towards the floor.

"For heaven's sake, Liz. I never expected you to be exactly like us. Careful has its place, in many situations. I'm old enough now that it's hard for me to be any other way, but careful isn't necessarily the best way to live."

Propping her chin in her hand, Liz let out a heavy breath. "But getting hurt, or hurting others, as a result of being careless isn't any way to live either."

There was no concern in her mom's softly lined face, just consideration. "No, it's not. But there's a lot of space in between overly cautious and careless. Many people live in that grey area, quite successfully, knowing when to take a chance and when to tread carefully."

Kieran. He was one of those people. And Liz let her eyes fall shut at the thought of him.

Then she opened her mouth and just let the entire story fall out. Completely uninterrupted, as her mom just settled her elbows on the table, steepling her fingers in front of her mouth, only the slight changes in her eyes letting Liz know what she might be thinking.

A slight lift at the corners, like when she smiled, hearing about how they met. Drawing her gaze across Liz's face in concern when she heard about the agreement. Filling with sympathy when Liz told her about Maggie, and how wonderful she was. Narrowing slightly in anger at what Kieran said to her. By the time Liz got to the end, to where she called Casey from Carol's house, her mom just looked very, very tired.

"So, yeah. That's why I've been a little... off the past couple months."

The hands that had blocked her mom's mouth fell forward onto the table, her mouth slightly open as she processed.

"Liz..." she said on a awe-filled whisper, "I can't believe all of
that
happened and you didn't say anything. Oh, honey."

With a helpless shrug, Liz sank back in her chair. "I didn't know what to say. Didn't want to worry you when there wasn't much you could do about it."

"
Do?
Honey, a mother doesn't necessarily need to be able to do anything but just listen and support, in whatever way you need." Shaking her head slowly, she watched Liz. "No wonder you wanted to come for a visit. I would've gotten out of there a couple weeks ago."

Liz exhaled a laugh, feeling like that last vestige of guilt that had hung over her head like a giant black umbrella finally cleared. Closed up and moved on. Everyone knew. Nobody was in the dark to possibly never forgive her. Which made her heart clench a little thinking about Maggie, and how her talk with Kieran had gone. And how Maggie was feeling.

"So," her mom drawled, "Kieran made you realize all of this
careful
that was going around?"

"Kind of. I think I knew it, I just didn't necessarily want to admit it. That I kept making all these decisions, or not making them as it were, out of fear. It's humbling to come to that realization."

Her mom hummed, nodding her head. "But some people never do. Never admit it. You're so far ahead of where I was at your age, honey. You can still change that, even if it's one decision at a time. You could be the one to talk to him first, there's no rule book that says you have to wait for him."

And that was the crux of that matter. She wanted him to
want
to speak to her first.

"I know there's not. But shouldn't I be with someone who, I don't know, is a little more concerned with the consequences of his actions? Who respects the feelings of the people around him?"

The words came out and felt so wrong. And the smile on her mom's face was just a touch pitying. Like she saw the second Liz realized what she'd said.

"Isn't that what he was doing? Putting his mom first? A bit misguided, I'll admit. But it was all for her. A man who loves his mother? That's always a good thing."

"I know," Liz groaned and sank her head into her hands. She was just tired. So very tired.

"So is that the kind of person you regret meeting?"

Liz didn't answer, just kept the heels of her hands firmly planted in her eye sockets, pressing so hard that all she could see was bright white light behind her eyelids.

"And the last two weeks," her mom pressed, "have they been full of relief that you no longer have to deal with him?"

A centimeter at a time, Liz lifted her head until she met her mom's eyes.

"I miss him. Just... everything, the little things, not even all the relationship stuff. Just
him
."

"Well," her mom said with a satisfied smile on her face, "then I think you know what to do when you get home."

One side of Liz's mouth lifted in a smile. "Yeah. I think I do too."

I
miss you
.

That was good, right? Kieran's thumb hovered over the send key, and then he deleted it.

"Shit, shit, shit," he whispered under his breath, then tossed his phone onto his desk. He'd done this almost every single day since she walked out the door. And every day he chickened out.

No, he could do this. It had been three awful, horrible, no good, very bad weeks, to quote one of his favorite books when he was a kid.
I miss you
wasn't douchey. It was straight to the point, which would probably work well for him in this situation. Because while Liz was probably a forgiving person, no woman would be happy not hearing a single word in three weeks.

He groaned, dropping his head back and staring at the ceiling like it might light up with the answer to his problems.

Go with the apology first?
Sorry I'm a giant jackass
.

Or start with the emotional statement?
I miss you
.

Or he could just be a giant pansy.
I'm sorry and I miss you and I will literally take anything you give me.

It was pathetic, really. Because now he was reduced to incorrect usage of the word literally. Even if it felt hella appropriate.

Kieran was still staring straight up when Hailey walked through the office, flicking him on the forehead.

"Good grief, you're ridiculous. Call her. Even clients are starting to get scared by all the emo going on in here."

"I'm not emo," Kieran said, turning in his chair and fixing her with his best boss glare.

"Oh, you're close. All you need is some black nail polish on your thumb and you could fit right in with the coffee shop crowd. You know, the ones who do open mic poetry on Tuesdays."

He pointed at her. "Listen, it's not entirely my fault that the female species is completely terrifying when they're mad."

"But you don't even know if she's mad, boss. She may be sitting on her couch just staring at her phone and willing it to ring, thinking that you've well and moved on because it hasn't."

Rubbing at the spot over his heart with one hand, Kieran looked down to double check that he didn't have a knife sticking out from his chest at that visual. Nope. All clear. It was just all in his head, which was probably a
lot
worse.

"I'm such a jackass," he said, mostly to himself. But when Hailey started laughing, he just sent her a level look. "Don't you have work to do?"

"Becky just left, and Max won't be here for twenty minutes. Now the best thing I have to do is sit here and watch you wither away to nothing but a heartbroken skeleton."

"I swear, I'm gonna fire you any minute."

With an annoyingly unconcerned smile on her face, Hailey gave him a consoling pat on the shoulder and walked out of his office. Reaching forward, Kieran picked up his phone again, opening up the message screen that had been torturing him for the last few weeks.

Drumming his fingers against his leg, he blew out a hard breath, and then just did it. He just fricken did it.

I miss you, Liz
.

And he hit send. Boom. Like a boss. Then he got up and paced his office until he heard the sound that the message had been delivered. And then his phone started ringing.

Kieran leapt forward and bit out a curse when it was most definitely not Liz. But concern replaced his searing disappointment that the name that was on his screen was his mom's home health aide. The one who rarely called him.

"Molly? Is everything okay?"

"No, I'm sorry, but it's not. I just put your mom in an ambulance. She got up off the toilet and just, I don't know, turned the wrong way I guess. She fell, Kieran."

He sank into his chair, trying to calm his heart, to settle his roiling stomach. "How bad is it?"

Molly took a breath and let it out with one quick, harsh sound. "Well, I'm pretty certain she broke at least one bone. You might want to get down to the hospital."

Jotting down all the information she had, Kieran yelled out to Hailey that he would have to leave, and quickly dialed his Aunt Carol as he sprinted to his car. The ride to the hospital was a terrifying blur. Partly terrifying because of his mom, and partly because he really had no idea how he made the drive without killing himself or someone else on the road.

The woman at the information desk told him the floor and room number he needed, and he tried not to shove people over on his way up to the third floor. Once he made it to the room, he quietly knocked at the door that was halfway closed. An impossibly young looking nurse pulled back the curtain, and held a finger up to her lips.

"She just fell asleep. The pain meds we gave her finally kicked in."

With one glance at his mom, Kieran pinched his eyes shut and followed the nurse out into the hall.

"So what did the doctor say?"

"He's waiting on the X-ray to come back, but he's pretty sure that she broke her left hip, and maybe her shoulder too, since they both took the impact when she fell." Kieran wiped a hand down his face, holding it over his mouth for a moment while he tried to gather himself. "He should be in to talk with you soon. Just press the call button if you need anything in the meantime."

Dazedly, Kieran nodded and turned back to the room. There was no way she was strong enough for surgery. No way. That wasn't him being a pessimist. That was straight up realism. She could barely walk down her driveway without needing a nap. Bracing his hands on the door frame leading into her room, he stopped, gripping the trim until he thought his knuckles would snap off. Gradually, he got his breathing under control and walked into the room, wishing the whole time that Liz was with him.

Thankfully, his mom slept for the next hour. Kieran just stared at her profile, struggling to keep it together. To keep his breathing even, and his heart rate steady. To not throw something across the small hospital room. The only time he'd look away from her was to glance at the phone he kept gripped in his hand.

Nothing.

Of course, there was a part of him that viciously hoped that Liz had texted him, but the spotty reception in the hospital wasn't allowing it to come through. He'd spoken to Aunt Carol briefly, promising to call her after he'd talked to the doctor. After that, they'd know better what would come next, and where Kieran would need the most help.

An efficient rap on the door, proceeding the doctor, made his mom's eyes flutter in a slow blink.

"How are we feeling, Maggie?" the doctor asked in a far too loud tone of voice, making Kieran grind his jaw together from calling the guy a dipshit.

"Umm, I don't know. Kieran? When did you get here?" Her face was pale and her eyes clouded. She shifted in her bed and winced.

"Hey, careful there," Kieran said, scooting his chair closer and taking her hand. "You managed some bathroom olympics, but got a little crazy on the dismount. We're about to see what you did to yourself."

The weak smile she gave him settled his stomach a little. The doctor introduced himself, and pulled out some pictures.

"Okay, so this is your hip," he started after the niceties were over, dragging a thick finger over the black and white shot. "As you can see, it's all but shattered. And the reason for that isn't because of your fall."

"It's not?" Kieran asked, thoroughly confused. His mom squeezed his hand.

The doctor turned, his puffy face somber. "No. The reason there was such a severe break, both in the hip and the arm is because your cancer has continued to spread, Maggie. Unfortunately, it's moved into your bones as well, it's made them increasingly brittle. Much easier to do damage."

Kieran couldn't breathe. His heart had completely stalled in his chest, which made it seem impossible that he could continue to sit there, listening and feeling like it was ping-ponging around his whole body. Risking a glance over at his mom, her face was far too stoic, far too resigned for his liking. The doctor kept talking, but not a single word penetrated the thick, black cloud swirling through Kieran's ears.

"Is it because she stopped chemo?" Kieran interrupted, ignoring the way his mom's head whipped towards him.

The doctor briefly raised his eyebrows, not phased in the slightest by Kieran's rudely spoken question. "That's hard for me to say, son."

"I'm not your son."

"Kieran," his mom admonished.

The doctor just smiled and Kieran rolled his eyes. "I could look over your mom's patient records from the pain clinic if you'd like, but in all honesty, I think the best course of action is just to move forward with what we're dealing with now. Regardless of how we got here."

"I think that's a good idea," Maggie spoke up as Kieran opened his mouth to respond. Then she turned to Kieran. "It doesn't matter, honey. Okay? It doesn't matter how it happened."

Feeling very much like a recalcitrant child, Kieran hunched over in his chair and gripped the sides of his head tightly, then stood up. "So now what?"

"Well, I wouldn't recommend hip replacement surgery at this point. We can talk to a palliative care doctor about pain management, but I think we should do something about your arm. Make that a bit easier to manage."

"Palliative care?"

"It's a branch of medicine that deals with patients who need help with pain management or symptoms that probably won't abate any time soon. Now, depending on how that conversation goes, we might want to start thinking about hospice, too." Kieran started to say something, he wasn't exactly sure what, but it probably would have sounded really pissed off, but the doctor held up a hand. "That's not a bad thing, okay? Your mom elected not to continue curative treatments months ago, when she didn't want chemo any more. Utilizing hospice services could get her the kind of support she needs at home. But let's take it one step at a time, shall we?"

Kieran's eyelids, something must’ve be wrong, because they were flaming hot. Hard to blink. And his hands, when he looked down at them, they
looked
normal. But they were tingling, so he shook them out. Nope. Nothin'.

"Kieran?" His mom's voice snapped his head up. The doctor had left the room sometime during his impending panic attack. "Sit down, take a drink of that water on the table."

He sat down so hard that it was a miracle the plastic chair held his weight.

"So what do you want to talk about?" she questioned, sounding so casual that he stared at her like she'd lost her damn mind. "Want to talk about work? The weather? Me dying?"

"Ma," he said helplessly, very much wanting to clamp his hands over his ears.

"Well, I am, Kieran. And I know you don't want to talk about it, we never have. But we have to."

"I can't," he said as loudly as he dared with her door open. "I just... I can't."

She nodded, like she expected that answer. It should have pissed him off, but he just felt a stupid amount of relief.

"Fine. Let's talk about Liz. Have you called her yet?"

"Hey, I'll have you know that I sent her a text right before I found out that you decided to pitch yourself onto the bathroom floor."

"How inconsiderate of me."

"I know, right?"

She ignored that. "What did you say? In the text."

"Wanna write my love letters, too?" The banter soothed him, and judging by the look on her face, it did the same to her. Healthy or not, it was a comfortable place for them right now. When everything else was straight up wonky, this was normal. And that little bit of normality was probably the only thing keeping him from going postal. When she didn't answer, he just shrugged. "Told her I missed her. Decided to keep it simple."

"Simple is good. Women like simple, especially after a fight. She answer yet?"

Kieran let out an overly dramatic exhale. "Nothing yet. But reception isn't good here, so maybe it'll come through later."

"Mmmmhmmm. What if she's not ready to answer for a while?"

Lifting one foot to prop it up on his knee, he worked it back and forth a few times. "I guess I'll keep trying."

"Good. I didn't raise you to be a pussy."

"Ma, seriously?"

"Well, I didn't. And you know I've forgiven you, and that I'm still stupid proud of you. But you need
her
to forgive you."

"Workin' on it," he mumbled under his breath, taking another quick glance at his phone. Nothing.

His mom motioned for her glass of water with her uninjured hand, and he handed it to her, watching her take a long sip before giving it back to her. "I'm going to be the annoying mom right now and not drop it. Of course I want you to be happy. That's a given for any parent. But I'm telling you right now, you make it right with her. She's one of those women that even having her just as a friend will make your life better. It will make your life easier, happier."

"Yeah," Kieran said. But could he? Could he just have her as a friend, if that was the only way to have her?

"You'd be okay with that?"

Smoothing his hands across his thighs, Kieran noticed with surprise that he had feeling in his fingers again. Huh. So the decision was his life without Liz at all, or his world with her in it in a strictly platonic way.

"Yeah, Ma. I'd be okay with that. I just
miss
her, so yeah, I'd be okay with that if that's what she wants."

Laying her head back on the hospital bed, she closed her eyes and breathed out a long, heavy sigh. "Good. That means I didn't completely fail as a mother. But I'll tell you what, son. Your heart may never believe it one hundred percent, that she's only your friend. There may always be a piece who wants her."

Yeah. He could believe that. Opening his mouth to say something, he glanced over at his mom, but she'd drifted back to sleep. Her skin still held an unhealthy pallor, like someone had slipped a gray layer of skin somewhere underneath the normal ones. Her lips were dry and slightly open, her chest rising and falling in shallow breaths.

Suddenly it was too much, the walls pressed against him like they held spikes on them, digging into his body. Standing from his chair, Kieran looked down at her, throat closing until he thought he might not be able to pull in a full breath.