Tempered Hearts (Hearts of Valentia Book 1) (28 page)

“D’Sandrei…” Her mind shifted from hostile to studious faster than she was aware of the change. “The ancient elven god of war?”

“He is that, but that is only one facet of him. He is also a guardian, a protector, and a hunter.” She waved the conversation on. “I can elaborate more on that later if you like, but I think for now you need to understand who I am before we speak of history and tradition.”

She couldn’t argue with her logic, but Arden far preferred a conversation on elvish history to discussing her husband, Naya’s former lover. “Continue.”

“When masareh and I parted ways, I wandered for months before my dreams sent me to the temple. I’d known since I was a child I’d been chosen for the path, but I greatly disliked being told what to do. It wasn’t until I had nothing left that I decided to become elata’hem. In doing so, I released the last threads of what held me to that life and began a new one. I tell you all of this so you’ll understand. What was before will never be again. It
cannot
be. My heart is filled by D’Sandrei and the need to protect my people. That old life is but a distant echo to me. I am not your rival.”

Closing her eyes, Arden willed herself to think rationally. She had no doubts about the truth of Naya’s words, but her own insecurities pulled at her. “I understand, but…”

“I know. I see plainly what you fear, but I see what he fears as well.”

She sighed. “Darius fears nothing, if the stories are to be believed.”

Naya laughed a little. “Stories are often exaggerated, although that part isn’t far from the truth. I’ve seen him fight every foe imaginable, face down armies without a second of hesitation, but there is a single moment in recent memory I saw true fear in his eyes.”

“And when was that?” Arden asked, preparing to hear a long, complicated story.

Naya simply shrugged, nonchalant. “The moment he saw me with a knife to your throat.”

She couldn’t say she expected to hear anything of the sort coming from her. Arden stared at her, searching for any trace of dishonesty in the elf’s expression, but she was as placid as a lake frozen in winter.

“You seem surprised.”

“Why would he be afraid then?” she said. “He knew you.”

“Perhaps he used to, but I am not that Naya anymore. I’ve never seen Darius as terrified as when you were threatened. The asahan’dril are to be protected above all others, so I understand some of how he feels. The elata’hem are not immune to that duty.”

Arden frowned. “I don’t understand how I’m so important. Asahan’dri? I’m only one person.”

Naya’s head tilted as she considered her. “I understand now how I found you so quickly this evening, and why you drew me away from our scouting party this afternoon. I’d never seen anasahan’dril before, so I erred on the side of caution when I took you today. In all life, even in the elata’hem, our first instinct is hostility when we encounter the new and different.”

“So, how is it, then?” she asked, still dubious. “How do I seem different to you?”

Gazing up into the leaves, she thought for a while. “It’s difficult to explain. It’s a scent I cannot place, yet is familiar. It’s long shadows cast by bright lights that have no origin. It’s a sound— a melody, or a whisper— I can’t quite hear. You leave traces of this sensation wherever you pass. It’s quite remarkable, yet might be dangerous for you.”

Arden sank into silence, thinking over her words. In truth, she wasn’t sure how to feel about it when Calla first explained it, and Naya did nothing to alleviate that. What was she? An omen? A prophecy? A rare magical creature? She didn’t feel like any of those things, no more or less than she’d ever been. Should she have some sense of responsibility about it? Did it change her life somehow?

“When I first arrived here, I spoke with the Ta’Mareth,” Arden said. “He welcomed me without hesitation and told me I shouldn’t worry. He said I could see my dreams made real. I thought perhaps he was talking about… well, I wonder if he didn’t mean something else entirely now.”

“You thought he meant Darius?”

Her cheeks heated. “Well, yes, that was my first thought. But I have many dreams, big and small, he’s only one.”

Naya stood and brushed herself off before offering her hand. “He’s worried about you, you know. Are you ready to return?”

She swallowed, not at all sure what she’d say to him or how to act after running off to pout like a child.

“You should give him a chance to speak,riyah,” Naya said gently. “I believe there’s more he was going to say to me that might not be as bad as you think.”

With a last, calming breath, Arden steadied herself and accepted her hand. “You’re right. It’s been a long day, and I think I’ll feel better after a good night’s rest.”

Naya gave her a reassuring smile, then led the way. Regardless of if she was ready, not going back wasn’t an option. Delaying the inevitable wasn’t going to make her feel any better.

Chapter 28

Darius

“Still no sign of Arden,” Vennic said as he approached the tent. “But Naya hasn’t come back yet, either, so perhaps she found her.”

His stomach twisted with nausea. “If anything happens to her, I’ll never forgive myself. I should’ve waited outside for her while she visited with Calla. If I’d just been more patient—”

“Yes, well, that is also something you’ve never been particularly gifted with.”

At Naya’s voice, Darius spun around, ready to growl something unpleasant, but when he saw Arden trailing behind her, any other thoughts he had were instantly replaced by overwhelming relief. Heedless of all else, he ran towards Arden, grabbing her up in his arms and pressing her against his chest. “I’m so sorry, asahana. I tried to find you, but—”

Her shoulders stiffened, and she placed her hands between them, easing him away. “I’m fine, but thank you for your concern.”

His throat constricted at her tone. Even her expression was cool and unreadable, a clear sign she was very upset with him. She probably had every right to be.

“I need to speak with you.” He stepped towards her, hoping to take her hand, but she evaded him.

“There’ll be time later,” she said, walking around him to where Vennic and Naya waited. “I’m exhausted and hungry. Is dinner ready?”

He hurried to catch up with her. “It should be, but—”

She held up a hand to stop him. “Later. Please.”

Her gaze held something firm he couldn’t quite read, but it was certain she wouldn’t be swayed no matter how much he begged. “Very well. We’ll eat first.”

Though they all ate together around the communal bonfire, Darius might as well not have been there. Arden spent every moment answering questions from Calla’s children, or asking questions about elven mythology, or conversing with anyone and everyone but him. As she finished off her meal of roasted venison and leafy greens, he didn’t waste a moment. With hasty pleasantries and thanks, he bustled her off to their tent for a conversation they’d needed to have all day.

He closed the tent flap and secured it, but when he turned to her, she stopped him with a single wave of her hand.

“I have something I need to say to you before this goes any further.”

Impatient but curious, he held his tongue and nodded.

“You need to make a decision, and you need to think about it very carefully,” she said, her hands clasped in front of her. “That doesn’t mean the moment I stop speaking I want an answer. You may not even be able to answer me tomorrow. Take your time. Do you promise me that?”

“I…” Resigned, there was little for him to do other than agree. “I promise.”

Her head bobbed with a single nod, and she indicated he should sit. As he lowered himself onto her trunk, she paced the floor, picking through words to find the right ones.

“I’ve been thinking about it, this problem we have,” she said, motioning to the air. “I’ve realized it’s not something I can control or influence, so it comes to this.” Arden stopped pacing, her face pinched as she met his eyes. “You need to make a choice, and you need to do it soon. I talked with Naya some tonight, and her stance on it’s clear. As elata’hem, she’s no longer an option for you. She’s a memory, and nothing more. I can’t fight that, only you can. No matter what you decide, I need you to choose. You can either hold on to your ghosts, or you can move beyond them. She’s chosen the latter. If I am not your choice…” Her voice cracked a little, but she pushed past it. “Well, there are steps that can be taken. I’ve heard of far more scandalous things occurring in court than what we might arrange, but an arrangement will need to be made. There are things I’d like to do for Valentia that I cannot do in my current position. Without a crown… well, none of my dreams stand much of a chance.”

The pain in her words cut him to his core, slicing deeper with every moment. “Asahana, I—”

“I’m not finished.”

He fell silent.

She took another deep breath. “I thought that, in time, you’d come around, that if I could just wait one more day, one more week, that would be enough. But knowing now it’s not a person I’m being compared to, but mere memory, I don’t know that any amount of patience on my part will help you. You said yourself, you’re a man of action. And if you won’t do anything, it falls to me to do what you cannot. That was the burden I agreed to when we married. To that end, when we leave the Ansere’th, it will either be as man and wife, or as estranged partners linked by a business agreement. Either way, I’ll handle your choice to the best of my ability.”

She knelt before him and took his hands, staring up at him with her deep blue eyes. “I won’t accept an answer from you tonight. Calla extended an invitation to me this evening, should I desire other accommodations. I plan to take her up on that, and we can talk more tomorrow if you like.”

Arden stood and bent, placing a kiss on his forehead.

He clung to her hand as she turned to go. “Arden, please. I don’t want you to leave angry with—”

“I’m not angry with you, but this isn’t up for negotiation.” She squeezed his fingers, a sad smile playing across her lips. “It’s easier to decide how badly we want something if it isn’t within reach or eyesight. Think over what I’ve said and choose, or I’ll be forced to choose for you.”

As she slipped away, he was left in stunned silence. The longer he sat there, the ache in his chest grew. The mere thought of not having her with him that night, and the reason why she wouldn’t be there, chipped away at his strength. She was right. If he couldn’t let go of his ghosts, he’d never be free of them, and she would be lost to him. The Light of Valentia would continue to shine, but it would never illuminate his life the way he knew it could. He’d be nothing more than a shadow, slinking around the outskirts of her brilliance, wanting only to feel her radiance.

And the alternative arrangement she mentioned… The thought of such a thing filled his mouth with the taste of bile. As harsh and unworthy as he felt to be around her, what kind of man might volunteer to take his place? The idea of anyone else knowing Arden that way, providing her with the child she needed before the law would crown her queen, he thought he might vomit at the prospect.

As he laid awake in bed that night, tormenting himself with that possibility, he came to realize that not once since she’d gone had even a whisper of his time with Naya tugged at him. His only thoughts had been of Arden, of the very terrifying prospect of losing what he’d come to treasure above everything else.

He knew in that instant what his choice would be, but the entire settlement was long since asleep by then. He’d resolved to tell her at first light, but remembered what the morning held for him. It would be dark before he could see her again.

Arden

Arden didn’t cry that night, but neither did she sleep. On her way to Calla’s she met Vennic, who told her of Darius’s plan to visit the spring in the morning. Laying awake most of the night, all she could do was go over every word she’d said to Darius after dinner. Had she known he was headed into danger at first light…

She rolled over, forcing her eyes shut. During her walk back to camp with Naya, her thoughts had taken shape, crystallizing over the meal. By the time he took her aside, she already knew what needed to be done.

Realizing it wasn’t Naya keeping them apart, but some stubborn, misplaced honor, fueled her courage. Gentility and tenderness had gotten her far, but she’d reached the end of their capabilities. With Naya’s outright statement of refusal, it was time to push him with a final ultimatum. The look in his eyes when she suggested perhaps they might arrange another means to ensure children drove a dagger straight through her heart, but what else could she do? Without love, her only dreams were of serving the kingdom, of making the world a better place for all people. If she could only have one, it might ease the pain of losing the other.

But it would always hurt.

The sounds of people moving about stirred her from what little rest she did get. The children were still asleep, though both Calla and Corma were already gone. As quietly as she could, she dressed and left, wondering if she could still catch the party before they left.

When she returned to the royal tent, Darius wasn’t there, but his swordbelt and gloves sat on the pallet of furs. As he wouldn’t leave without them, she reasoned he must’ve been eating breakfast. She opened her trunk, removing the chest holding the Gordian dagger. After staring at the contents a moment, she decided. Weapon in hand, Arden set out for the communal eating area. On her way, several of the elves stopped to watch her, their expressions ranging from curious to awed. Word spread of her nebulous asahan’dril status, and the scrutiny made her squirm a little, though she tried to ignore it.

The scouting party was nearly finished with their meal by the time she arrived. Though she wished she’d been early enough to join them, she was grateful she caught them before they left. Vennic was the first to see her, nodding at her before alerting Darius to her presence on the outskirts of the crowd. He immediately turned, and she saw very clearly the night had gone as well for him as it had her. His tired eyes caught her with an unspoken question across the distance, and she had to clamp down on her urge to run to him, to take back everything she said. Instead, she beckoned to him, knowing she couldn’t let him leave without anything else from her besides harshness.

Darius stopped three paces away, his arms dangling at his sides. “We’ll be leaving shortly,” he said. “We may not be back until after nightfall. The oasis is a few hours’ journey from here, and we’re not sure how long we’ll be—”

With a fortifying breath, Arden stepped up to him and took his hand. “I know. Vennic told me. I wanted to…” Her courage faltered, and she looked away, distracting herself by placing the dagger’s hilt in his palm. “I want you to take this.”

His eyes went wide. Searching her face, he lifted her chin to meet his gaze. “Arden, you don’t have to—”

She shook her head and stepped away. “Yes, I do. We have no idea what might be out there, and I’d never forgive myself if something happened to you when I could’ve done something, even this little, to prevent it.” He reached for her, but she waved him off, sure she’d crack if he touched her again. “You aren’t allowed to die, kendala.” Softening her expression as much as she dared, she tried to smile. “You haven’t given me an answer yet, so death is strictly forbidden.”

“I’m not going to die, asahana,” he said quietly. “Not until we’ve talked about last night.”

Arden nodded once. “Good. Then I’ll see you this evening. Promise me.”

“You have my word.”

Turning on her heel, she walked away as quickly as she could without running. If he returned that night and told her his ghosts were too great to overcome, she wasn’t sure how she’d fare. How could she recover from such a rejection? Seeing him there, with so much hurt in his eyes, that alone was almost too much for her. If he told her he could never love her, what comfort could she ever offer him? Even more, what heart would she have left to give to anyone else?

She knew in that moment what he must’ve felt in losing Naya. To love someone you could never have… there was no greater pain in life.

Darius

He’d never been so scattered before a mission. Between Arden’s ultimatum and the care she’d shown him that morning, the last thing he wanted to do was hunt down the source of evil magic. Fingering the hilt of the Gordian dagger, Darius replayed his brief moment with her after breakfast. What if he’d unwittingly made a promise he couldn’t keep?

He shook himself, trying to regain his focus. Being so distracted was a good way to get killed in enemy territory. For Arden’s sake, he needed to think about the task at hand.

In a force of habit, he scanned their party, taking a mental inventory of every asset. Two of the ata lamorah accompanied them, and Naya rounded out their knowledge as elata’hem. Vennic and Ehlren’s skills he knew well, having fought beside them many times. The only member he was uncertain of was a young elven mage by the name of Ren. She seemed very eager to come along, and Garethell assured him of her considerable skill, but his experience with mages in general was limited, and half of those encounters had been with ones corrupted by the Void. Still, if there was magic in play, she might best know how to counter it.

Shortly before lunch, they were nearly to the site and stopped to eat before going further. With all of them on alert, no one ate much, and conversations were brief and quiet. An unease settled over him, similar to how he’d felt in the Ogtern mines when they came to the suspect water. Nothing looked amiss, but the familiar heaviness was unmistakable. Even though it was slight, it was the same as any encounter he’d had with the haegaroi, and much more defined than it was in the dwarven colony.

Twitchy movements caught his attention, and he shifted his position on the fallen tree he chose for a seat. Ten feet away, Ren squirmed, her face bunched in strained concentration. Her eyes kept darting into the woods, off in the direction they were traveling. Clearly she sensed it, too, but was far more affected than anyone else.

Darius nudged Vennic with his foot, and when he met his eyes, he flicked his gaze in the mage’s direction. After Vennic watched her a moment, he frowned, clearly sharing the concern.

Darius stood and stretched, then looked to Naya. “We should set those traps before we approach,” he said. “Can you lend me a hand?”

Her momentary confusion disappeared almost faster than he saw it. She understood immediately there was something to discuss others shouldn’t overhear.

“Of course.” She stood and led him off into the trees to the left of where they were headed. “I think we should start over here, then circle around.”

After a minute of walking, he stopped her, uncomfortable with going too far away from the group. “Your mage is acting strangely. Did you notice?”

She frowned and nodded. “I saw. What are you thinking?”

“I understand the knowledge she might bring to the table, but I fear she’ll become a liability. Do you know her well? Has she had many encounters with haegaroi?”