“
Then what is it?”
“
I just want you to come up there with me, that’s all. I want some company.”
Kahlan stroked her hand down the woman’s shoulder. “Berdine, I know how lonely you are, but it’s late, I have a headache, and I’m tired. All afternoon and evening I’ve been in meetings with Drefan, General Kerson, and a number of officers. Drefan wants to move the troops back to D’Hara—for us all to go to D’Hara. He wants to abandon the Midlands to the Order and concentrate on defending D’Hara. I’ve been arguing myself blue.
“
I need to go to bed and get some rest so I can get up in the morning and try again to convince them of the folly of Drefan’s plan. The general isn’t so sure that Drefan isn’t right. I am.”
“
Sleep later. You are coming up to the Keep with me.”
Kahlan gazed into the Mord-Sith’s eyes. And that was what they were: Mord-Sith eyes. This was not Berdine speaking, it was mistress Berdine, as cold and demanding as any Mord-Sith came.
“
Not until you tell me why,” Kahlan said in a level tone.
Berdine seized Kahlan’s arm. “You are going up to the Keep with me. You can either go sitting in the saddle, or lying over it—your choice—but you are going, and you are going
now.
”
Kahlan had never seen such a look of determination in Berdine’s eyes. It was frightening. That was the only word for it: frightening.
“
All right, if it’s that important to you, let’s go. I just want to know why.”
Instead of answering, Berdine tightened her grip on Kahlan’s arm and forced her to the door. Berdine cracked the door, checking, then opened it enough to stick her head out for a look.
“
It’s clear,” she whispered. “Come on.”
“
Berdine, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”
Without answering, Berdine shoved her through the door. They took the service stairs and avoided the passageways that were heavily patrolled. Berdine must have spoken with the guards they did encounter, because when the two of them approached, the guards turned the other way, looking off as if they had seen no one.
Two horses waited, both army horses, big bay geldings.
Berdine tossed a soldier’s cloak at Kahlan. “Here, put this on to cover that white dress of yours so people won’t recognize you, or Drefan will hear about it.”
“
Why don’t you want Drefan to know where we’re going?”
Berdine seized Kahlan’s ankle and stuffed her foot into the stirrup. The stirrup was big and loose, made for a man’s boot. Berdine smacked Kahlan’s bottom.
“
Get it up there.”
Kahlan abandoned her resistance. Berdine obviously wasn’t going to tell her what the urgency was about. The ride to the Wizard’s Keep was silent, as was the march through the empty halls, passageway, and rooms.
Before they turned down the last stone corridor to the sliph, they encountered Cara standing guard outside a door. Cara, like Berdine, was unreadable in her stern demeanor as she watched Berdine and Kahlan hurry toward her.
At the door, Berdine seized the lever with one hand and Kahlan’s arm with the other.
The look in Berdine’s eye was unequivocal sobriety. “Don’t you dare disappoint me, Mother Confessor, or you will find out exactly why Mord-Sith are so feared. Cara and I will be with the sliph.”
Without looking back, Cara started out toward the sliph while Berdine, without further word, opened the door and roughly shoved Kahlan into the room. Kahlan stumbled, catching her balance as she glanced back to see Berdine pull shut the door.
Kahlan turned, and found herself looking into Richard’s eyes.
Her heart seemed to stop along with her breathing.
A half dozen candles in an iron stand reflected little points of light in his gray eyes. He seemed bigger than life. Every detail was as she remembered. Only his sword was missing from that of her mental image of him.
Ambivalence kept her breath locked in her lungs.
Finally, she found words. “The plague is ended.”
“
I know.”
The room felt so small. The stone so dark. The air so heavy. She labored to breathe, to slow her suddenly racing heart.
His forehead was beaded with sweat, even though it was cool in the depths of the Keep. A drop rolled down over his cheekbone, leaving a wet trail.
“
Then what are you doing here? There can be no point to it. I have a husband. We have nothing to say to each other … not after … not here, like this, alone.”
His gaze left hers at hearing the cool tone of her voice.
She had hoped it would force him to say it.
Dear spirits, let him say he forgives me.
He said instead, “I asked Cara and Berdine to bring you here so I could talk to you. I came back because I must speak with you. Will you grant me that much?”
Kahlan didn’t know what to do with her hands.
“
Of course, Richard.”
He nodded his thanks. He looked in pain. He looked in anguish. His eyes had the dull gloss of distress.
She wanted nothing so much as for him to say that he forgave her. Only that would mend her broken heart. Those were the only words that would mean anything to her. She just wanted him to say it, but he stood there, while his gaze focused beyond the cold stone of the walls.
She decided that if he was going to say it, to forgive her, then the only way was to force him into it.
“
So, have you come to forgive me, Richard?”
His words came softly, but with great resolve.
“
No, I did not come to forgive you. I can’t forgive you, Kahlan.”
She turned away. She finally found something to do with her hands; she pressed her fists against her stomach.
“
I see.”
“
Kahlan,” he said from behind her, “I can’t forgive you because it would be wrong of me to come here to forgive you.
“
Would you have me forgive your humanity? Shall I forgive you slaking your thirst? Shall I forgive your eating when you hunger? Shall I forgive you for the feel of warm sunlight on your face?”
Kahlan wiped at her cheeks and then turned to him. “What are you talking about?”
The stem of a rose was stuck behind his belt. Richard lifted the rose and held it out to her.
“
Your mother gave this to me.”
“
My mother?”
Richard nodded. “She asked if I found enjoyment in it, and when I told her that I did, she asked if I would then return to you. It took a long time for me to understand what she meant.”
“
And what did she mean?”
“
What she meant is that we have the capacity to enjoy such things. Is it wrong for you to find pleasure at the sight of a rose, in its fragrance, if I am not the one who gave it to you? How can I forgive you that?”
“
Richard, this is far different from finding pleasure in the fragrance of a rose.”
He sank to one knee. He put a fist to his abdomen. “Kahlan, I was once connected to a woman by my flesh, as you were connected to your mother. That is the only connection of flesh we have in this life.”
His fist moved to his chest. “It is here that we connect ever after that. We can be connected only in our hearts. You did not give him your heart. That was mine and mine alone.
“
The winds, the spirits, took their price from you. They left you with little, and you chose to take what was left and to live. You chose to be human. You chose to live life as best you could with what you had left of yourself. You fought for life. You simply took pleasure to which you were entitled.
“
I do not own you. You are not my slave. There is nothing for me to forgive. You did not betray me in your heart. It would be presumption of the worst order if I came with an offer of forgiveness when you never betrayed me with your heart.”
Kahlan could feel herself trembling as she drew a breath.
“
You hurt me, Richard. I thought my heart was safe with you, always, no matter what, and you walked away from me. You promised it was. You wouldn’t even let me try to explain.”
“
I know,” he whispered.
His other knee touched the floor as he bent at her feet. His head bowed.
“
That is why I have returned. I have come to beg your forgiveness. I am the one who was wrong. I am the one who caused the true pain. I am the one who betrayed our hearts, not you. It is the worst sin I could commit, and I alone am guilty of it.
“
I am without defense. There can be no excuse.
“
I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to you, Kahlan. I cannot undo the wrong I have done. I have wounded your heart, and for that, I throw myself before you, and beg your forgiveness. I do not deserve it, and so cannot ask it; I can only beg it.”
The way he knelt at her feet, she towered over him.
“
Will you forgive me, Richard?”
“
There is no room in my heart to hold anything for you but love, even though we cannot be together. Though I am free of my oath, you are sworn to another, and I must respect that, but I cannot help that I can love no other but you. If your heart wishes it, then I forgive you.
“
Please, Kahlan, all I can have in this life, if you will grant it, is your forgiveness.”
Mere moments before she had had doubts, been uncertain as to her true feelings about him. Now, absolute conviction avalanched through her.
Kahlan sank down to the floor before him. She put her hands to his shoulders and urged him to look up at her.
“
I forgive you, Richard. With all my heart, I love you and I forgive you.”
He smiled a sad smile. “Thank you.”
She could feel the miracle of her heart mending, of joy flooding into the emptiness, like life itself returning.
“
At the ceremony, when I was being married to Drefan, I said the words aloud that they demanded, but in my mind, in my heart, I was saying the oath of marriage to you.”
Richard wiped a tear from her chin. “I did the same.”
She squeezed his arms. “Richard, what are we going to do now?”
“
There is nothing to do now. You are sworn to Drefan.”
She touched her fingers to his face. “But what about you? What about you and me?”
His smile left. He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I have what I needed—what I came for. You have returned my heart.”
“
But, how can we go on like this? Not only that, but we have to do something, and fast. Drefan wants to withdraw the troops back to D’Hara and make a stand against the Order there.”
Anger flashed in Richard’s eyes. “No. You can’t let him do that, Kahlan. If you let Jagang divide the New World, he will take it one piece at a time, with D’Hara the last to fall. You can’t let Drefan do that. Promise me you won’t.”
“
I don’t need to promise. You are Lord Rahl. You can stop it, now. I am the Mother Confessor. We’ll do it together.”
“
You must do it, Kahlan. I can’t help you.”
“
But why not? You’ve returned. Everything will work out. We’ll think of something—find a way. You are the Seeker, you always find a way.”
“
I’m dying.”
Ice flashed through her. “What? What … do you mean, you’re dying? Richard, you can’t die, not now. Not after … No, Richard, no, it’s all right now. You’re back. Everything is going to be all right.”
She saw it then, the pain in his eyes, and realized, when he slumped to a hip, that he was unable to stand.
“
In order for me to return, the spirits demanded a price.”
He coughed, wincing in pain. She clutched at him.
“
What are you talking about? What price?”
“
When I was there, at the Temple of the Winds, I gained all the knowledge there. I understood my power. I could use it. I used it to stop the plague. I somehow interrupted the flow of power from the winds that made the book of magic work in this world.”
“
You mean that you no longer know how to do it? You mean the plague will come back?”
He lifted a hand to allay her fear. “No, the plague will not return. But as the price of returning to this world, I was not allowed to keep the knowledge of the winds. I had to come back as I was before.”
“
But … you mean that you are simply mortal, like before.”
“
No. They demanded more. They demanded that if I was to return, I had to take the magic of the stolen book into myself to keep it from the rest of the world of life.”
“
What?” Kahlan breathed, wide-eyed. “You don’t mean—”
“
I have the plague.”
She gripped his shoulder with one hand, and felt his forehead with the other. He was burning with fever.
“
Richard, why didn’t you tell me before?”
He smiled through the pain. “Forgiveness was all I needed, all I wanted, but I had to know it was true, and not granted out of pity.”
“
Richard, you can’t die. Not now. Dear spirits, you can’t die!”
“
The dear spirits had nothing to do with this. It was Darken Rahl who chose Drefan to be your husband, as the price of the path into the winds, and Darken Rahl who demanded this as the price of my return.”