“I am,” Luke replied. “And not at all surprised.” He draped an arm around her shoulders.
And Shelby thought,
Oh God. I have to get this over with.
She didn’t need advice from Mel or anyone else. She’d given him every chance, but he never said a word about how he felt about her, not a syllable about wanting a life with her. She had to make herself move on before she couldn’t. Tears gathered in her eyes. “Let me finish up here, Luke. I’m going to follow Mel and Cameron back to the clinic, help clean up the Humvee, restock it. I’ll catch up with you later.”
“Are you crying?” he asked softly.
“I might be overwhelmed.”
He frowned slightly at the glistening in her eyes. “Sure,” he said. He kissed her forehead. “Take your time.”
A
few days later found Shelby in the stable in the early morning. No one in the Booth family was riding; just walking from the house to the stable to tend the horses was torture. Walt had put a coffeepot in the tack room because he couldn’t keep a cup hot when carrying it from the house. Even though the stable was heated, Shelby wore heavy gloves, a scarf around her neck, her suede jacket…and her ostrich boots. She wore them all the time.
Walt came into the stable while she was feeding the horses. “Hey, I’m way ahead of you,” she said.
“You usually are. Damn cold out there.”
“It’s not the tropics in here. Let’s get a cup of coffee while these horses feed. I have something great to tell you.”
He lifted an eyebrow and threw an arm wide for her to precede him into the tack room. She poured a couple of mugs and dressed one with powdered cream and sweetener for her uncle. “I talked to one of the administrators at San Francisco State. It’s not official, but it looks like they’re going to let me in. And if they do, she said I can enroll for summer classes if I feel like it. And as soon as I get down
there, she’ll write me a pass to audit. It wouldn’t hurt to sit in on a few classes. That might give me an edge.” She grinned largely. “I won’t be too far away, Uncle Walt. I should see you, Vanni and Paul pretty often.”
“And what about Humboldt State?” he asked. “You mentioned…”
“I think San Francisco might suit me better,” she said. “More potential social life, for one thing.”
“It’s just that Humboldt is right here,” he said. “Close to the people you love.”
“I know. And I’ve been so happy here with you, Uncle Walt, but I’m ready to spread my wings.”
He thought about that for a moment, then said, “That’s good news, Shelby,” he said, toasting her with his coffee cup. “To you.”
“Thanks. Thing is, I’m going to want to go early to find a place off campus. There’s housing—mostly dorm housing—not available to me until next fall when I’m a full-time student. But I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t think I’m up to that lifestyle, seven years older than the average freshman. This is good, that I’m kind of forced to find my own place. I can always change my mind later, move onto campus, but I bet I stay in my own place. Maybe I’ll have roommates at some point, if I find students I have something in common with, starting with age and maybe life experience.” She smiled. “To all of you I’m so young, to them, I’ll seem old.”
“I can understand that.”
She looked down into her cup, then up. “I’m going to want to go real soon, Uncle Walt. Get settled in. Meet people. You know.”
“What’s real soon?” he asked suspiciously.
“Real soon,” she repeated. “But first, I’m taking that
vacation I promised myself. I’m going to spend two full weeks on the beach in Maui.” She laughed. “If I wasn’t tempted to do that before, this weather for the last couple of weeks sure sealed the deal. I have to see the sun again!”
“You deserve it. When do you suppose you’ll do that?”
She gazed up at him with clear eyes. “Right away. A couple of days…” He was speechless; his mouth might’ve dropped open slightly. “I made all my arrangements. Did you know you can do all of that on the computer?” She laughed again. “Everything from plane tickets to hotels and car rentals.”
He frowned. “Yes, I knew that.”
“Well, I’ve never gone anywhere. Not since I went to spend summers and holidays with you as a kid and you always sent the tickets. Really, it’s so slick. Punch in a few dates and times, give ’em a credit card and—”
“Shelby,” he interrupted, “what’s this about?”
She fixed her lips into a tight line, sighed, then said, “It doesn’t seem like it, but I’ve been here six months. It’s time for me to get on with things.”
“I realize that, but this is abrupt.”
“I apologize, it must seem so—but I’ve actually been working on the details and didn’t want to say anything until I had an agenda. I hope that doesn’t upset you, Uncle Walt, because I’ll be back to visit. No reason I can’t. Not now.”
“Your mood’s been a little different lately….”
“I’ve been thinking so hard about this,” she said with a shrug.
“You don’t have to tell me, but does Luke have anything to do with this?”
“No. No, of course not.”
“You sure about that?”
She turned away from her uncle. “I’ve been thinking about things and…” She turned back. “Listen, it’s tempting to just stay here, like this, forever. I could travel from here, go to school from here… There’s no future in it, that’s all. I’m thinking like a boxer—I want to go out a winner.”
“Has he hurt you, Shelby?”
She shook her head. “Just the opposite. Things are nice enough that if I stay in this pattern for six more months, I might stay for six more years. But, Uncle Walt, it’s never going to become all I’d like it to be. It won’t change. My clothes will hang in your closet and I’ll spend most of my nights at his house. In the long term, I’m looking for something more than that….”
Walt pursed his lips and shook his head. Under his breath he muttered, “That sorry son of a bitch…”
“Now stop,” she said firmly. “You’re surprised by this? Be fair—I had a big crush on Luke. He was always wonderful to me and it would probably be just fine with him if I didn’t move on. But it’s going nowhere. In the end, I’d be selling out. That’s not what I intend to do.”
He looked at the floor and shook his head. Then he took a slow sip of his coffee.
“Remember that song, Uncle Walt?” she asked him. “‘Me and Mrs. Jones, we got a thing going on…?’ Me and Mr. Riordan, we have a thing going on…and the next man in my life is going to be more than a thing. I want the whole deal. And Luke said from the start, if I was looking for something like that, I wouldn’t find it with him. Really, if I’m honest with myself, I never doubted that.”
“This is your decision, then?” he asked.
“Oh, absolutely. I haven’t even mentioned this to Luke yet. And you’re under strict orders—you are
not
to treat him like he’s done something wrong. Do you hear me?
Because if you do, you’re going to be in big trouble with me. Are we clear?”
“If that’s what you want.”
“It’s what I want.” Then she laughed. “Give him a year, he’ll be so damn sorry he let me go.”
“You think so, huh?”
“Oh, you bet. He’ll manage to find women—he’s good-looking and can be real charming. But he won’t find one like me. And once I make a clean break and get myself in a new life, he’s gonna be shit outta luck.”
Walt chuckled. “You’re a lot tougher than you look.”
“Yeah, I know. You shouldn’t underestimate me so much. It’s your biggest mistake. And it’ll be Luke’s, too.”
“Honey, all I want is that you be happy. If these plans make you happy, then I’m on board. Just as long as he hasn’t hurt you.”
“He hasn’t. He’s been great to me. But I want more than he has to give. I want it all, Uncle Walt.”
“Then you go get it. And let me know what I can do to help.”
“Sure,” she said. She glanced around. “I can finish with these horses in five minutes. Go read your paper.”
“You sure? I could help you—”
“Nah, I’m almost done. Go,” she said with a laugh, taking the coffee cup out of his hand. “I got it.”
He kissed her brow. “You’re incredible, Shelby. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Uncle Walt,” she said. “That means a lot.”
He left the stable. She watched out the door as he trudged up the hill. When he was far enough away, when she was sure he wasn’t coming back, tears welled in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. Then she went to Chico, clung to his neck and sobbed against his cheek.
Luke was just pulling a shepherd’s pie Preacher had made out of the oven when he saw the glow of headlights flash by the window. He took a bottle of merlot he thought Shelby would like from the rack and got the corkscrew out of the drawer, but the front door didn’t open. He stared at it expectantly and when she didn’t come in, he went to the door and opened it, stepping outside.
Her Jeep sat right in front of the porch, but she didn’t seem to be there. He was just thinking she must have gone to invite Art to dinner when he caught sight of her sitting in one of the chairs on the porch. She was bundled up in her suede jacket, a thick scarf around her neck and her hands tucked in her pockets. “What are you doing out here?” he asked, confused. “You must be half-frozen.”
“I was going to knock in a second,” she said.
“Knock?” He laughed. “Since when do you knock?”
“Luke, I’m not coming inside tonight.”
“What?” He stepped toward her. “Shelby, what’s going on? I have a fire—”
“Really, I knew this was coming, but when the bus went down the hill, full of kids, it was a defining moment for me. I’m going to do that—help to save lives. Oh, I hope I don’t see any more buses go down a mountainside, but if they do, they’ll need someone like me to help, and that’s what I want to do. Luke, I…” She took a breath. “I know you care about me a lot. Hard as you try to hide it, I know you do.”
“’Course I do,” he said, taking a step toward her.
She stood from the chair. “Remember when I said that I wanted to fall in love someday? But that I didn’t expect it from you? When I said it, it was true. But then I fell in love with you. I didn’t do it on purpose, but I did. And you didn’t love me back.”
“Shelby, I loved you every night, sometimes more than once a night.”
She laughed at him, but there was definitely no humor in it. “Yeah, I know. You sure stepped up that way. Thing is, I need to hear that you love me, that you want a life with me. I need more than sex every night. I’ll be honest with you, it’s hard to give that up, though.”
“Then don’t,” he said, reaching for her.
“I want to hear that you’re in love with me, too. I want a true partner and family, Luke. A child, at least one child.”
“Shelby, honey, you have plans! School, travel, a career as a saver of lives—”
“That’s exactly right, and you know what? We girls don’t have to choose between education, careers and family anymore. It’s a brave new world, Luke. I can travel, get an education, train for an exciting career and have a solid relationship, too. Just like the boys do. Look at Mel. Look at Brie.”
He hung his head, looking down.
“You don’t have to say it. You were clear from the beginning—that just isn’t going to happen with you. So I’m taking off. I came to say goodbye. I’m leaving in two days for Maui. That vacation I’ve been kicking around. I’m packing up the car, driving to San Francisco and picking up a flight from there. Then I’ll go back to San Francisco and look around for an apartment. Maybe get a part-time job and audit some classes while I wait. San Francisco State is going to take me.”
“Shelby,” he said, stepping toward her. He reached for her hand and when she didn’t meet him halfway, he pulled her hand out of her pocket and drew her toward him. “I’m freezing. Come inside. Tell me about your plans.”
“I want this to be quick. I want you to remember me
strong, sure of myself. You’re probably better at saying goodbye than I am. I don’t want to get all worked up.”
“I never say goodbye,” he said. He pulled her into the house and kicked the door closed behind her. He faced her and held both her upper arms in his hands. “Isn’t this kind of sudden?”
“Oh—I’ve known for a while this was coming. This was the best I could do. But I wanted to tell you a couple of things. It just matters to me that you know…. I don’t have any regrets,” she said. “I know I didn’t give you much of a choice—I was so determined that you were going to be the one, my first man, my first love. And I was mostly right—you made everything perfect. I don’t think I’ll live a day without remembering, without feeling your arms, your lips… Thank you, Luke. For treating me like you loved me. Every time you touched me, I believed you loved me.”
“What are you saying? That you’re not coming back? Ever?”
“I’m sure I’ll be back to visit the family, but not until I think I can do that without getting in your space. I mean, when I move on, you move on. I understand that. There will be another girl’s shampoo in your shower before I—”
“I don’t let just anyone keep shampoo in my shower,” he said. He pulled her close, put his arms around her. “Shelby, take off your coat. Stay with me a while.”
“Nah, I’m afraid if I stay even five minutes longer than I have to, I’ll never have the courage to go.” She pulled back and looked up at him. “I knew you were completely honest with me, Luke. I understood—you just like things free and easy, you don’t want all the complications that go with taking on a commitment to a woman. You don’t want
a family. I guess not everyone does. I knew it, but inside there was a tiny little voice that kept saying, but he loves me enough for that to change. I thought maybe you could be that guy—the guy who’d say the perfect thing and keep me forever….”
He ran a hand through her hair. “Shelby, honey, I told you I was a bad choice if you were looking for those things. I’d make the promises if I could keep them.”
“Oh, you make them and keep them. You do it all the time. You promised me you’d never let yourself be tied down to a woman, and you meant it. I thought the right woman might change that, but…I realized I was kidding myself when you told me what you’d done for Art. You not only took him on and cared for him, but made a commitment to him, to be sure he was taken care of forever. That’s when I knew for sure—it wasn’t really commitment that has you running scared. It’s making a life with
me,
that’s what you can’t do. Something must be missing. I’m just not enough for you to take that kind of risk.”
“Nothing was missing,” he said. “Nothing. But I’m not a good bet and you have things to do. I saw you out there at the accident—you were born to help people. You have to go after that life, and you should see more of the world than you have. Shelby, the possibilities for you…”
“If that’s what it was, we’d talk about how to make all that happen. Together. There are a million ways to work this out, you and me. Except…there really isn’t a you and me. Not like I hoped there could be.”
“You think you’re ready for something like that, but you’re not. You were just born, baby. You have to get out of the nest now. Fly.”