Temptation & Twilight (42 page)

“You soulless bastard, you take a piece of me every time,” she whispered, and the tears fell until she was trembling. “You have no idea what it is to not be able to see, to not know for certain what someone is thinking or feeling. You can’t imagine what it is like to lie there and imagine it all, to have to trust your instincts. I
have
no trustworthy instincts when it comes to you. You leave me feeling hopeless and helpless. Adrift in the ocean at night, with no moon. I can’t see anything. And I want so BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012

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much to know what
you
feel, so that I might be at ease, knowing that you’re not laughing at me—mocking me.” Rolling to her side, she cuddled up in the blanket and hid her face in its soft depths. “I am nineteen all over again. Only you do this to me. Never again, Iain. Never.” When her sniffles and little hiccups subsided, replaced with deep breaths that spoke of sleep, Iain silently made his way to her and slipped down before her. Carefully, he reached out, skimmed his fingers along her cheek and watched her sleep, studying her, marvelling at her and the spiky lashes that shone in the dim firelight like raindrops on crystal.

“Beth,” he murmured, his soul feeling heavy. “I left you alone in the dark, didn’t I? I have been as blind as you. I will try to find a way for you to see me, my Beth, and pray that when you do, you’ll discover something redeemable there.”

ELIZABETH STIRRED, only to realize that after her outburst she had fallen asleep on the floor. She tried to get up, but realized she was pinned by the blankets. Though she tugged at them, they wouldn’t move, and that’s when she realized there was someone there with her.

Iain. She smelt him. Felt the familiarity of his touch as he brushed the loose strands of hair away from her face. When had he returned? Had he heard her? Oh, God, had he
seen
her?

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

“Let me up.”

“You—we—can’t run from this any longer.”

“I can’t talk about this now,” she snapped, pulling the blanket from him and covering herself up. She wanted to hide from his eyes, the humiliation of having given in to an overwhelming fear and self-pity.

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“When
will
we talk about it?” he asked. He touched her face, and she flinched. He cupped her cheek in his palm, wouldn’t let her turn away and hide from him.

“What can I give you, Beth?”

What she was too much of a coward to hear. “The truth, Iain. All of it.”

“Truth, Elizabeth? The truth can hurt as much as lies.”

“I have no need of lies. They offer nothing but to placate my vanity and pride.”

“What stands between us is not pride, nor vanity.”

“But it is lies.”

How she wished she could see him, what expression he wore. Was he calculating his response? If she possessed the gift of sight, would she see in his eyes the need to escape, to formulate a plan in order to make her believe what she wished? She was almost glad for her blindness, because watching him trying to lie to her would break her, whereas being blind only made her ignorant of it.

“I have hurt you in the past. Yes. I won’t—I
can’t
deny it.”

“You lied to me.” Her chin instinctively lifted in challenge. “And I won’t make it easier on you by denying it.

You abandoned me, Iain. You left me not only confused by it all, but shattered by your departure. You have no idea the pain you caused, or what it took for me to over-come it. You don’t know what I lost… What
we
lost.”

“What did we lose, Beth?” The question was no more than a whisper, and she knew he looked at her, watched her with unblinking eyes.

“An innocence, Iain. A belief in life’s softer, intangible concepts—like dreams and hopes.”

“I was never innocent,” he said, his voice hard.

“I was, in the beginning. But in the end I knew what it was to lose it, to lose faith.” Taking a deep breath, BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012

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Elizabeth gathered her courage to tell him what she had never told another soul. “You left me with child, Iain.

Your child. You turned your back on us.”

“A child?” His breath was a rasp.

She nodded, and she felt the fluttering of his hands on her face, tilting her so that he could look into her eyes.

“There was a babe?”

She had never told anyone this, not even Lucy or Isabella. She had wanted to, that afternoon at tea, but she could not make herself say the words. She had not, despite all the years in between, finished grieving for the baby they had created, and the life that could have been theirs, had Iain not abandoned her.

“Beth!” His voice was urgent, frightened. “Tell me.”

“I was a few months along when you left me. I…I had planned to tell you that afternoon, but things… Well, you made it very clear what you wanted in your life, and it was not me, or a child.”

“What happened? The babe—”

“I was nearly four months along when I lost it. It was shortly after I lost my sight, and I tripped down the stairs—plunged down them, really. When I regained consciousness, I was bleeding heavily, and I knew then that the babe was lost. I never forgave you for that, for giving me something I had always dreamed of, only to have it snatched away.”

“I…I didn’t know. God, Beth. I… You should have told me.”

“When? After you explained that it was over between us?” He gave a little sound of frustration, pain. He was raking his hands through his hair. “Why would I tell you, when you made it very clear that you were severing all ties between us?”

“Because you should have known—that I…” BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012

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“You wouldn’t have, Iain. You might have provided the material things for the child, but you would not have been there in the way I wanted you. It was not in your nature then. I think, deep down, I always knew that, even from the start. That if I got with child, it would be my problem to deal with. But I risked it, because I wanted that, a piece of you I could always claim. It was twelve years ago, and still I think of what might have been. I was prepared to love the child for both of us.” CLOSING HIS EYES, Iain stood by the bed, his hand wrapped around the carved post as he watched her there, proud and honourable. She had wanted to hear the truth, and he didn’t want to speak it.

A child. He’d fathered a child, and he felt himself grieving for the loss. Damn his soul, he’d been such an idiot.

“You lied to me, Iain. Admit it. It’s all I want. To hear the truth.”

“Lied about loving you?” he asked. “That was no’

a lie.” His accent was slipping. “I loved you, Beth, but in the way of a twenty-year-old lad. It’s no’ a beautiful, simple love, lass.” He swallowed, tried to regain control of himself. “It’s a physical need, a desire born in the baseness of men that we feel. It’s no’ with the heart or the soul.”

“So you were in lust, then? Why did you not tell me?”

“Because you were too smart for that.” She stiffened, but he carried on, confessing his sins, showing her what a monster he truly was. “I knew you were no’ in it for lust, and I couldna walk away from you. No’ without having you. I wanted your goodness. To taste what it was like. I wanted to be loved for the first time in my life. I wanted BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012

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to be touched softly, by hands that loved me, and didn’t seek to hurt.”

“You lied to me the entire time,” she whispered, and the ravaged expression on her face nearly killed him.

But the truth was already starting to come out, and he couldn’t hide it. He had no wish to. It would either save him or condemn him. Either way, he must own up to it.

“In the beginning, aye. I did. I was consumed by you, Beth. You were my last thought before I fell asleep and my first thought when I rose. At first, it was all I would think of, the sex, losing myself in the long grass with you. But near the end… No, it was no longer lust, but something else. Something that shocked and scared me.”

“And why should it have shocked you?” she asked as she rose from the floor, her blanket wrapped around her, and slowly walked to her dressing table. Her fingers caressed the gathered objects until she stopped at the hair-brush, her fingertips gliding over the bristles. “Perhaps it was merely your conscience, Iain. Perhaps you knew deep down inside that using me, telling me that you loved me so that I might lie with you, was morally wrong.”

“P’raps, but I never gave much credence to my conscience then, and I don’t do it much now, either. Except in regards to you. No, I think it something else. It was love, Beth. I felt the stirrings of it, and it scared the hell out of me. All I could think of was…” He stopped, blew out a breath and pressed his eyes shut. He could not say the words. Could not admit the shameful truth.

“I suppose the reality of it all made you have second thoughts. It was one thing to enjoy the pleasure of sex with me, quite another to find yourself tied to me.”

“That’s no’ it,” he said quietly. But he lied. He stood and lied to Elizabeth, and how he hated himself for it.

For his weakness. He wanted to keep her at his side. But BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012

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he wouldn’t have her if he admitted the truth, what he had feared all those years ago—what he still feared. To admit it now was to have her leave him. But maybe she had already left?

“Then what is it, Iain? Were you ashamed? I believed we kept our liaison quiet at first because of the scandal.

But as it developed, as you spoke of your feelings and love, I assumed you would offer marriage. Our relationship might slowly come out, but you didn’t want to talk of it. You didn’t want anyone to know. Naturally, I thought you rather gentlemanly at the time, having a concern about my reputation. But I learned the truth quickly—that you were ashamed to be seen with me. You didn’t want your mates to know that you had fallen for a woman who would most likely end up blind. Not the great Iain Sinclair. How could he be seen with a woman such as that?”

“Stop it,” he growled in warning.

“Why? Does it hurt too much? Am I coming too close to the truth?”

“Because that’s not it at all.”

“Really? You were never shamed by me?” He shouldn’t pause, he knew, but he had to. He had to get this right. She would think him stalling for time to formulate a lie, but that wasn’t what he was doing. If ever there was a moment when the words had to be utterly perfect, this was it.

“I think we’ve said all there is to say here, Iain. You were ashamed then, and I don’t believe that has changed now.”

Stalking across the room, he went to her, wrapped his big hand around her arm and tugged her away from the table. “We are not done here,” he said. “And everything has changed—everything, damn you. I was one and twenty when we began our affair. I was young and BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012

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stupid and foolish. And I canna take back what I did, or what I thought at that time.”

Nervously he ran his hands through his hair, struggling to find the right way to speak the truth. “I felt many things, but never shame. Fear, aye. I feared your impending blindness, how you would be dependent upon me for everything—”

She gasped, struggled in his hold. Her eyes were narrowed, shooting him daggers. “You were scared?” she choked in outrage. “And did you think I wasn’t? Did you think the prospect of forever being in the dark was a welcome one for me?”

He gave her a little shake because he was scared now, and worried about what would happen when the truth came tumbling out. “I didn’t know what to expect, or how… How you might look after it. And aye, that’s childish and vain and arrogant, but I was a vain, arrogant boy then. And I was thinking of myself, and worrying over what the rest of my life might be like with you. And then there was the matter of—”

“Your heir,” she declared, challenging him, “Did you imagine your heir like me, blind and dependent and utterly worthless?”

“I didn’t know what it would be like. I couldna fathom it.”

“So you ran from it all, because you were a coward.

You left me to bear it all alone, while you went away and ignored it—never to be touched or burdened by it—or me.”

That hurt, but it was no less than he deserved.

“Aye, I did, Beth, because I was frightened, and my feelings… They were growing stronger, and I knew how you felt about me. You loved me, and I knew it for the truth, and that scared the bloody hell out of me, too. And BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012

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I was scared about one more thing, Beth. I was scared that I couldna do it, that I wouldn’t be what you needed, that I wasna strong enough to see you through it all. You see, that was the only grown-up thought in my head at that moment, that I wasna the sort who could help you through it all and stand by you. I ran no’ only from you, but from me. The inevitable disappointment you would have in me when I failed you. I’m still scared, still wanting to run at times when I look into your eyes and wonder how I will ever be the sort of man you deserve. I want so much to deserve you. To be worthy of a woman like you.” Capturing her cheeks, he looked deeply into her eyes and said, his voice fierce with emotion, “I knew I would only hurt you, Beth, and I…I realized that I loved you too much to see your love for me wither and die because I wasn’t strong enough to stand by you. To help you when you needed me most. I was afraid of the future, so I ran away from it.”