It is early December and most of her Christmas shopping has been done, courtesy of Amazon. Giant boxes are piled in the closet in the barn, waiting to be unpacked and rewrapped in brightly coloured paper.
She isn’t yet sure what they will do about Christmas. It has always been their favourite holiday. They have never been a family to vacation at Christmas, choosing instead to huddle up indoors, decorating the tree, praying for snow.
Gabby always cooks a turkey, English-style, on Christmas Eve. She lays bacon on the breast, makes a sage and chestnut stuffing, prepares Brussels sprouts and roast potatoes. They have Christmas pudding with brandy butter her mother sends over from Fortnum & Mason, and when they are all stuffed and sleepy they build a fire in the family room and decorate the tree.
The lights – miles of white lights plugged together – are wrapped round the tree, pushed carefully into the centre of the branches, as far as they can go, so the tree appears to glow from the inside. The decorations have been collected over many years, each of the family choosing a new one every year to add to others that have been in their respective families for decades.
They are carefully unwrapped and placed on the branches.
The girls decorate while Gabby and Elliott sit on the sofa, a giant bowl of popcorn and a box of cranberries between them, stringing the corn and berries onto dental floss, to make a garland for the tree.
Stockings are hung, and quietly filled in the early hours of the morning when the house is asleep, to be discovered with shrieks of joy on Christmas Day, and unpacked during a breakfast of blueberry pancakes, scrambled eggs and extra-crispy bacon.
But this Christmas? It hasn’t been discussed yet.
Alanna has not been back to school, and the home-schooling is adding yet another stress to Gabby’s life, but in January she will start at Highvale. Neither Elliott nor Gabby wants this; they would prefer to send her to a small private school instead but, since they cannot afford to do so, they are hopeful this new school, which has less of a reputation for trouble than the one from which she has been suspended, might be better.
Either way, Alanna has been encouraged to find friends outside of school: the lovely girl from gymnastics who lives in Fairfield; the daughter of people they know who live in Norwalk; other children not connected to her school, girls who have no knowledge of the scandal.
The scandal, as Gabby thinks of it, has changed her thoughts about Christmas. Initially she supposed that they would split it up – Christmas Eve with one parent,
Christmas Day with the other, but the very thought of having Christmas without Elliott is heartbreaking, particularly given Alanna’s recent behaviour. They need to be together as one family, if only over the holiday. How could it be Christmas if they are not all together as a family, exchanging gifts over bacon and eggs?
For ages Alanna has been wanting a Parka she saw in a store in town, and Olivia is desperate for the Uggs with sweater-style cuffs and buttons.
Before the separation Gabby would have refused point-blank to buy those Uggs, for what seventeen-year-old deserves a pair of two-hundred-dollar boots? Particularly when those boots are likely to be ruined or lost within the month. The same went for the Parka Alanna had her eye on.
Now she wants the girls to be happy, wants to make up for the pain she is forcing on them. It may be materialistic, and superficial, and oh-so-very-clichéd, but if buying them nice things will make them feel better, make them love her more, help them to forgive her for what she has done, then buy them nice things is what she will do.
Gabby pulls into the parking plaza behind Main Street, frustrated at herself for leaving this until now. From Thanksgiving onwards, Main Street turns into an outdoor mall, with hundreds of people, most from out of town, descending for their holiday shopping and huddling en masse on street corners, waiting for the
seasonal traffic cops to wave them across from Tiffany to Pottery Barn.
Each time she thinks she sees an empty bay, she pulls up, excitement building, only to discover a little car in the spot, its shadow hidden by the SUVs sandwiching it.
‘Bloody little cars,’ she mutters. ‘I
hate
those little cars.’ But she brightens up, seeing a Land Rover’s reversing lights come on.
At this stage of her pregnancy she is grateful to have found a spot at the right end of Main Street. The two stores she wants are next to each other, and after buying most of the products in Benefit for Olivia, she moves next door for the Parka.
As she reaches for it so too does another hand, and she turns, with an apologetic smile, for she is sure she reached it first, to see Elliott.
‘Oh.’ She drops the Parka.
‘Ah.’ He drops the Parka.
They both stand there, looking at each other, until he clears his throat.
‘I was Christmas shopping. For the girls.’
‘Tell me you haven’t just cleared the shelves at Benefit,’ she says, looking down with relief to see he is carrying bags from Jack Wills and J.Crew.
‘I just have Alanna’s main present left,’ he says. ‘And I know she wanted this Parka.’
‘Could that be because it’s all she’s been talking about for the past month?’
Elliott laughs.
‘We could buy it together,’ Gabby says carefully. ‘It could be from both of us. Then we could each get something small to give to her individually. I have junky stuff for her stocking, but there’s a craft set I know she’s been looking at.’
‘Stockings,’ Elliott says thoughtfully, nodding his head. ‘I hadn’t thought about stockings. I’m going to have to get some for my house. Where do I even get stockings from?’
‘I don’t know,’ Gabby says, because she has had their stockings for years, each of them finely needlepointed with Christmas scenes, their names embroidered at the top. She has no idea where they came from, only that they appear to have been there for ever. ‘Do you think it would be weird for Santa to do two stockings each? I think it might be … overkill. Which raises the point, how are we going to do Christmas this year?’
Elliott shrugs sadly. ‘Split up Christmas Eve and Christmas Day?’
‘We could,’ Gabby grudgingly admits, ‘but I think the girls would hate it. And honestly? I’d hate it. I know we aren’t a family any more, but don’t you think, for something like this, we could come together? Not for us, Elliott, and I know the last thing you probably want to do is spend Christmas with me, but this is a holiday for the girls; this has always been a holiday about the girls, and nothing would make them happier.’
‘I don’t know.’ Elliott frowns. ‘I think it might confuse them.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I don’t want to give them false hope. It might make them think this means we’re getting back together.’
‘Oh no, no,’ Gabby says quickly, pushing aside the pictures that were already invading her head: the four of them laughing over eggnog and spiced apple cider, her eyes and Elliott’s meeting in a meaningfully soulful manner as they string popcorn, and Elliott realizing what a terrible mistake he had made in leaving, then starting to plot his way back into Gabby’s heart. ‘They wouldn’t think that at all, not if we made it quite clear. We both love them, and Christmas is a time for children to be with their parents. We could say we didn’t want to force them to make a choice, so we have all come together for the love of the children …’ She tails off. ‘Something like that.’
Elliott doesn’t say anything for a while. Eventually he nods, with a half-smile. ‘Okay,’ he says, and a huge smile spreads on Gabby’s face. ‘Christmas Eve. Your place. The Parka?’ he asks, turning back to the coat. ‘Shall we do it together, then?’
‘Absolutely.’ Gabby is beaming. ‘I’ll wrap it and it will be from us both.’
‘So how do you feel about all being together at Christmas?’ Josephine says, leaning down to look at the handles on the chest Gabby had been restoring before leaning down became too cumbersome.
‘Honestly?’ Gabby squeezes herself. ‘Thrilled. Excited. Nervous. I know Elliott. All he ever wanted was a family; nothing makes him happier than when we’re all together. Add in all the Christmas joy and I think he’ll realize how much he misses us. I think he’ll see how much happier he is when we’re all together, then he’ll come home.’
‘And you’ll all live happily ever after?’
‘Something like that.’
‘Gabby, I hope you’re right, but I’m worried you’re getting your hopes up too much. What if it just means he’s thinking about the children? What if it doesn’t mean anything at all? Then you’ll be left feeling horrible over the holidays.’
‘I don’t think I’m wrong,’ Gabby says. ‘But even if I am, so what? I have a couple of depressed days before I pull myself together and life carries on exactly as it has before. I’m a big girl, growing bigger –’ she gestures unhappily to her stomach – ‘and I can deal with it. It
just might be an opportunity. I kind of told myself that if he said no, there’d be no hope, but if he said yes, it meant we’d get back together again.’
Josephine laughs. ‘That’s about as random as telling yourself if the lights stay green something will happen.’
‘I do that all the time!’ Gabby says. ‘And they almost always do!’
‘So you’re convinced you and Elliott are going to get back together?’
‘I wouldn’t say that, but we have been getting on well recently, better than we have done for ages. It was a little awkward when I ran into him Christmas shopping, but that was only because neither of us expected to see the other. I really think he might be forgiving me, and I can’t believe he has stopped loving me. I don’t think you can switch off like that. I really don’t.’
‘Do you still love him?’
‘Oh my God! Yes!’ Gabby looks at her friend in horror. ‘As if there could be any doubt. Anyway, enough about me. What are you doing for Christmas? Is James here?’
Josephine comes to sit next to Gabby, exhaling loudly. ‘Oh I don’t know. It’s all up in the air again. He went AWOL last weekend and now he says he loves me but he’s not ready.’ She shakes her head. ‘The thing is, I know he’s going to be on the phone again next week saying how much he misses me and that he can’t live without me. I love him, but this is exhausting. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.’
‘I’ve told you before, many, many times, you shouldn’t be doing this. It’s time to move on, and you need to be the one to say it because James clearly doesn’t have the strength to do it himself.’
‘I know, I know.’ Josephine sighs. ‘I wish you weren’t pregnant.’
‘Me too,’ says Gabby, and Josephine laughs.
‘No, seriously. If you weren’t pregnant I could get a babysitter for the boys and we could go out and do the singles scene together. I keep hearing that if you’re single and our age you need to be out at the Spotted Horse, or Grey Goose, or Artisan, but I don’t have anyone to go with. Michelle from the divorce support group apparently goes all the time, but I can’t go with her or no one will even look at me.’
‘She is gorgeous,’ murmurs Gabby.
‘Exactly.’
‘And I am hugely fat and swollen, so everyone would look at you.’
‘Exactly,’ Josephine says, in precisely the same tone, and they both laugh. ‘Are you sure you won’t come with me?’
‘Not only will I not come with you, but I don’t think you should be going. Trust me, you’re not going to meet the sort of man who’s going to take your mind off James in a bar of all places.’
‘So where am I going to meet him?’
‘Where you’re least expecting it. You’ll probably
meet him when you’re engrossed in something with your sons, when you’ve forgotten all about men and you’ve decided to swear off relationships completely.’
‘But that’s never going to happen. What about you? If you and Elliott don’t get back together what will you do?’
Gabby grimaces. ‘God only knows. I can hardly bear to think about it. Thank heavens he hasn’t started divorce proceedings yet – naturally, that gives me some hope – but if that
is
to happen … Lord. I’d have to get a job, I suppose. And one that pays enough to cover childcare for the baby.’ She shudders in horror and shakes her head. ‘This was not how my life was supposed to turn out, let me tell you.’
‘Why don’t you sell your furniture?’ Josephine gestures at the unfinished pieces dotted around the barn. ‘You could turn this into a store and sell from here. Imagine, you’d keep the overheads down, get to do something you love, and make money doing it. These pieces cost you nothing, right? Don’t you find most of them in dumpsters?’
Gabby laughs. ‘Not most – but it’s true that I have found some of my best pieces in dumpsters or at the dump.’
‘So? Isn’t that the obvious thing to do?’
‘Funny. My friend Claire always said the same thing. Exactly that, that I should clean this place up and give it a great name, then open it to friends. I couldn’t open
it to the public as we’re not zoned for commercial use, but I could do open-house sales and invite everyone on the mailing list.’
‘There you go! That’s a great idea! And you should take advantage of the fact that everyone’s probably talking about you, so if you manage to do it soon a ton of people would show up.’
Gabby’s face falls. ‘Do you really think everyone’s talking about me?’
‘I do. Sorry. It’s part Schadenfreude, delighting in someone else’s misfortune, and part relief that their marriage is okay. I think that’s why everyone abandons you when you get divorced. Your crumbling marriage, when they thought you two were so perfect together, reminds them of the fragility of their own marriage, and each time they see you they feel a sliver of fear that this could so easily happen to them too.’
‘How do you deal with it?’
‘Same way as you. By becoming more of a hermit. And by keeping my cards very close to my chest. You wouldn’t believe the number of people who have phoned expressing sympathy and concern because they heard Chris and I have split up, who then get angry and resentful because I don’t fall apart on their shoulder, or confide my pain in them.’
‘That’s why you decided to make me your new best friend.’ Gabby grins. ‘I’m safe because I don’t know anyone you know.’
‘True. And because you fucked up as badly as I did.
Not that leaving Chris was a fuck-up, but, well, you know … James and all the drama around that. I know how dysfunctional this relationship is, and I’m desperate to get out, but I’m terrified of being on my own, a single parent.’
‘Okay, I’ll make you a promise. After the baby comes, after I get my figure back, I’ll consider coming to a bar with you. Just once, just to prove that a bar is not where you will find your future love. But I will come, and we will drink Martinis, and we will have fun. How’s that?’
‘Good enough for now. And in return,’ Josephine surveys the barn, ‘I’ll help you get this place together.’
Gabby’s face lights up. ‘Really? You’d do that for me?’
‘Of course. That’s what friends are for.’
Gabby endures the stores one more time before Christmas. Elliott has long been in love with watches. He has an ancient Patek Philippe that was passed down to him by his grandfather, and a couple of other watches that he loves. He always said to Gabby that if he had the money he would collect watches. One year she bought him a box in which to house his future collection: mahogany, with automatic turners so the watches never stop.
Gabby had sold a couple of pieces, back before the size of her stomach and general feeling of crappiness stopped her from further restoration, and she put the money aside. Walking into Mitchell’s now, she goes
straight to the display of watches, knowing exactly which one to get. It is still there, in the same spot as when she and Elliott were here ten months ago, when Elliott insisted on trying it on, gazing at it in awe, wanting so badly to buy it.
‘In the future,’ Gabby whispered to him, wishing their expenses weren’t so great, or they lived in a part of the country where the cost of living is lower than it is here.
When the salesman takes the watch from the display, telling her of the history of the company and explaining how special this particular example is, she can no longer remember the price of the watch, only that it was beyond her wildest dreams. But she flinches as she turns the price tag over and sees it is so very much more than she thought.
So very much more than she brought.
But there are credit cards. And future earnings. Josephine has been as good as her word, and has been at the barn every morning, filling her car with useless junk and driving it to the dump, helping Gabby sweep out the dust and whitewash the walls, thereby turning the barn into a space clean and bright, a space in which you’d want to linger. Gabby wanted to call it The Dumpster Dive, but Josephine wouldn’t hear of it.
‘I know you find stuff in dumpsters but you don’t want anyone else to know it. How do you expect people to pay eight hundred dollars for something if they know you got it for free?’
‘Because I broke my back stripping, restoring and painting it?’ grumbled Gabby.
‘Doesn’t matter. You have to have a story. Tell them you import faded antique pieces from England, restoring them in your New England barn.’
‘It’s not really New England,’ Gabby said, impressed. ‘It’s Westport.’
‘Still counts. From Old England to New England,’ Josephine declared dramatically. ‘A piece of the old country.’
‘That’s what we should call it! The Old Country!’
‘I love it!’ Josephine said. ‘Perfect!’
They haven’t opened yet, but they will, and Josephine, who seems to have become an official partner, is convinced they will sell everything. Living in New Canaan, she has access to a whole new crowd of girls, all of whom, she says, will love it.
‘I thought no one was talking to you?’
‘No. I’m not talking to them. They’re all dying to find out what’s going on. Trust me, they’ll come.’
Gabby turns the watch over in her hands, mentally doing the calculations. If she put it on the credit card and sold five more pieces, that would cover it. And if she didn’t sell the pieces? She could sell her engagement ring. She hasn’t worn it for years anyway, never comfortable with the large solitaire diamond that seemed so essential at the time.
What if none of this works out? What if she and Elliott get divorced? Does she really want to be spending
this kind of money? Yes, she decides. She loves him, has always loved him, and without doubt will always love him. This watch is her way of letting him know that. This gift will tell him know how sorry she is, and that, despite her transgressions and whatever mistakes she has made, she still loves him very deeply.
‘I’ll take it,’ she says, her heart pounding. She is unable to believe she is spending quite so much money.
‘An excellent choice,’ he says. ‘Your husband will love it. He’s a lucky man.’
Gabby smiles sadly. There is nothing else to say.