Authors: Kelly Van Hull
“I’m sorry Jack, but it feels like you’re hiding something. And don’t get me wrong, we’re all entitled to our secrets, but you just keep popping up out of nowhere, saving the day. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but I’m kind of over it. I don’t think I can handle any more ‘complicated’.”
At that I walk away, scoop up Brody, and head to the kitchen. I nuzzle my face into his neck and tickle him with my nose until he surrenders a giggle. He throws his head back and looks up at me with those beautiful doe eyes and I marvel at the pure wonder of how
not
complicated he is.
“You’re in a good mood tonight,” Kit says, as we enter the cabin after a late supper of rabbit stew and potatoes. The cabin has pretty much become ours. I can’t help but think that as soon as Bentley catches wind that Brody is almost better, we’ll be on our way back to living in the tent.
I’ve smuggled in some animal crackers for Brody and he delights in them at the table, making the appropriate animal noises before he bites off their heads. He’s obviously feeling better.
“Yeah, I guess so. It’s nice for a change.”
“I suppose it’s hard not to be in a good mood after all that’s happened, now that Brody is getting better.” She is setting up a game of Uno for us at the table and there’s a long silence before Kit asks me the inevitable question.
“So what happened to you out there anyway?” She’s referring to my debacle in the woods and I have tried not to think about what happened because it makes me feel stupid.
I feel stupid for having followed Bentley, even though I knew it was dumb. I feel stupid I got attacked. But mostly, I explain to her that I feel lower than an idiot for being so incapable.
The idea that I would have any idea how to survive on my own out in the woods seems even more preposterous to me now that I’m actually attempting it than it did when we first left home.
The truth is, Kit is way more qualified than I am, and she gets irritated when she breaks a nail. She, at least, can find her way around a map and has some general sense of direction.
“So what are you going to do about it?” she asks.
“What do you mean?”
“I said, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to just sit around and mope about how ‘unwildernessy’ you are?”
“That’s not even a real word, Kit.” She smiles and I can tell she is considering herself quite clever right now.
“Yes, it is. I just said it. And I mean it. You think you’re not good at this stuff? Do something about it. It’s not like you don’t have time. Brody’s getting better now. Why don’t you start some kind of training? Study maps, learn the land, learn to fight…do something about it!”
I argue with her some more about how we aren’t even going to be here that long, and soon we will be able to go home, and I won’t need the skills anyway. But she kind of has a point.
Long after she is snoring softly on the other bed, my mind is spinning with the idea of remaking myself. She’s right. I don’t have to be this helpless girl anymore.
Mom and Dad have trusted in me to keep Brody safe and the only thing I’ve done is almost get myself killed and not be here when it mattered most.
By the time sunrise hits, I’m surprised I haven’t slept. I’ve been up scheming about what I can say to Bentley to get him to let me out of my kitchen job so I can start my training.
Kit has agreed to take over Brody duties when he’s back up to full speed, since he won’t be a bother on her job as one of the ‘camp mothers’. It’s still funny to me they call it that.
I go to find Bentley only to find him missing. I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s never around anymore. He has been bunking with Callie, which I can’t imagine she has minded much. When I find her in the kitchen to ask where he’s gone, she tells me he’s gone on another raid.
Another raid. He just got back from the last one a few days ago. We seem to have plenty of supplies in camp, so I wonder what he’s gone out looking for. When I ask her for some maps, she tells me to go into her cabin and feel free to look around and borrow whatever I want.
When I enter Callie’s cabin I see what must be hundreds of books, if you can believe that for such a small cabin. They are stacked dangerously high and an image of the princess and the pea flashes through my mind. I’m so caught up in trying to remember why there was a pea under her mattresses that I barely notice him. Pretty much the last thing I want to deal with right now— Jack.
“What are you doing in here?” I ask.
“Just getting some materials,” he says, as he scoops up some books he had sprawled out on the table.
“What kind of materials?” I ask.
“Medical journals, book of medicines, PDR.”
“What’s a PDR?” I ask, really only because I’m just trying to have a civil conversation.
I can’t explain why, but he makes me uncomfortable. It might be because I owe him so much. I don’t like owing anybody anything, especially when I don’t know why he’s done everything he has done for me in the first place.
“Physicians Desk Reference,” he answers back, and I’m confused until I realized he is answering my question.
“You keep that stuff in here?” It seems a strange place to keep it since he and Bentley clearly don’t get along.
“Yeah. Callie said I could store my stuff in here since I only have a tent. I can’t risk damage from weather.”
“So, did you teach yourself about all this medical stuff?”
He shifts his feet and I can tell the question has made him uncomfortable. He stalls for a bit before he answers.
“Mostly. There’s still so much to learn. I wish I had more materials. I used to have a reference manual on Disease Processes I found immensely helpful, but I lost that along the way somehow.”
Immensely
, hmmph...I internally scoff.
“Are you really only 18?”
“Yes, I wouldn’t lie about that.” He stiffens, body language clearly indicating
back off
.
“What would you lie about?”
“Listen, I’ve got to get going,” he bristles. “There’s someone over on the south side of the camp that has a rash that…well never mind, I need to get going.” And like that, he’s gone.
Well, it’s mid summer now in Tent City. Cabins have gone up quickly. Bentley took my newfound interest in survival training as me wanting to join his band of what I’ve come to think of as misfits. He teaches me maps in the morning when he has time.
I’ve learned most of the area and as a reward he has promised to take me to an area called Harney’s peak. He says it’s the highest point in all of South Dakota.
In the afternoon, I help Callie in the kitchen and while we work, she teaches me about what’s edible in the forest and what to stay away from.
After that
, I go for combat training with Grant. He was apprehensive about training me at first, but he seems to have warmed up to me. I think he still harbors some resentment towards me for interfering with the raid where I was attacked.
I haven’t been running like I should because there’s still some residual pain in my leg that holds me back after a mile or two, but I can tell it’s getting better.
I want to train with a gun and be issued one, but Bentley says it would be a waste of ammunition to practice.
He says if I want a weapon, I can have a bow. I decline for now, since the first time I ever shot one of those with my dad, he laughed so hard he burst a vessel in his eye. I think the arrow might have even flung backwards. No, I won’t be using a bow.
After combat training, I do my own version of physical training with pull-ups from tree branches, balance training on huge dead logs, and strength and core training on the floor of the forest. Of course, I do all of this deep in the woods for fear of anyone seeing.
I’ve also considered trying to convince Jack to teach me some basic medical skills, but he’s been acting so weird lately that I’ve put it off. He hasn’t left, as promised. He sticks around, for reasons I cannot possibly comprehend.
Now for my favorite part of the day. It happens in the hour before supper, and shortly before the sun goes down for the day. My play time with Brody. He moves around and plays like he was never ill at all, which does good for my soul and the lie I tell myself, that he was never sick at all. It’s easier that way.
His first passion was climbing trees. Watching him get so high does nothing but rattle my nerves, which is why I think he secretly loves it. I grew to understand it was better to let him go and he eventually became like the Spiderman he worships. He even shoots his wrists at the trees and makes web slinging noises right before he climbs. He’s so small he can reach places the rest of us can’t, and places he shouldn’t.
He and Kit have gotten exceptionally close and I’m a little jealous that most nights he prefers to sleep with her. I tell myself it’s really okay, and I should be grateful he’s not crying for Mom.
But today’s game I’ve been told, is hide and seek. I feel giddy at the idea because it was one of the games Drake and I loved to play with Dad. If Brody wasn’t lucky enough to know Drake, at least I can show him who he was.
I explain to Brody the rules and he watches me patiently and quietly, his body quivering with excitement. I can tell he thinks he’s got a really good spot picked out.
I finish counting and go off to find him. I have given him an extra minute for good measure. I check all the cabins first, even though I know he will not choose a cabin because it’s too easy.
Next I check behind all the wood piles, and find nothing but a pair of squirrels fighting over a nut. Then I move into the deeper forest because surely he must be here, as he has become such an excellent climber.
I get pretty deep into the trees and I’m still not worried. I check every tree within 50 yards of all directions of camp. I am jogging now to keep better time and I expand my search area to 100 yards.
This goes on for about 10 minutes and I’m starting to get worried. I start calling out his name. I tell myself he’s only not answering because he can see me clearly and wants to tease.
More minutes have passed. I’ve had enough of this by now and I go back to camp to get some of our friends to help look for him.
Before I know it, I’ve become frantic and sweaty, pulse racing. I’ve got everything running through my mind from that bear with her cubs, to the creek that is not but a mile away. I haven’t taught him to swim yet. How could I be so stupid? Please, God, let me find him and I’ll teach him to swim!
We’ve got all the kids at the camp to help look for him now. All jobs have been suspended until we find him. Kit and I are taking the path that goes down past the creek. He doesn’t seem to be anywhere close to the water and I take a second to exhale in relief.
I don’t know why, but I feel the need to push further past the creek into the woods near an area no one really goes into. I’m running and running for no real good reason.
I’m yelling and screaming his name and my voice has become hoarse. Tears are streaming down my face and my shirt is wet with salted tears. Why is this happening?
I can hear Kit yelling for me to come back, but it only makes me run faster. I keep running for a while and then I stop suddenly to see a huge patch of orange flowers. They seem oddly familiar and out of place. And that’s when I see him.
He has fallen asleep within the orange flowers and his blonde curls look as though they belong in that sea of apricot.
He’s holding his arms to his chest and his hands are placed under his cheek as he sleeps peacefully. His face is stained with tears, but he looks happy. I shudder at the thought that I might not have found him. I picture him helpless and alone, surely shivering as the sun went down.