Thankful (16 page)

Almost as if she feared she wouldn't get him back.

Pushing that dark thought from her mind, Judith put the kettle on to heat water for the bottle and for the tea Bernie enjoyed so much. And then pulled out the plate of dried cherry and chocolate cookies she'd made early that morning.

“These look amazing,” Bernie said, eying them with a look of true appreciation. “Cherry and chocolate?”

“
Jah
. They have oatmeal, too.” She watched Bernie take an experimental bite, smile with pleasure, then go back to snuggling James while Judith bustled around the kitchen.

At last, she set a cup of hot tea in front of Bernie and had a bottle ready for James. “I'll take him now,” she said, hardly able to contain her eagerness to have him back in her arms.

Luckily, Bernie handed him right over, seeming content to let Judith to feed James while she ate her cookie and sipped tea.

“What did you want to talk about?” Judith asked after another few minutes passed. She was starting to imagine the worst.

Bernie set her cup down and then crossed her legs with a small sigh. “I've been in contact with Kendra, James's mother.”

“Oh?” She braced herself, dreading to hear that her worst fear was coming true. A small, terrible part of her feared that Kendra was about to be let out of prison. “Was she worried about James?”

“No. She is sad, of course, that someone else is looking after her baby, but she is truly delighted that he is with you.” Bernie smiled. “She loves hearing about how much you obviously love her boy.”

Judith did love him. Already, she loved him as much as if he were of her own flesh and blood. But of course she couldn't share such a thing. Bernie would think she'd gotten too attached to her foster child.

Choosing her words carefully, Judith murmured, “He is a
wonderful-gut boppli
. A true blessing.”

Bernie reached for another cookie. “Indeed he is.” She glanced at Judith, and then obviously seeing how nervous Judith was becoming, she put her treat down on a napkin and sighed. “Judith, there's no easy way to tell you this. Some of Kendra's relatives aren't real happy with James being raised out here in Amish country. They want him raised by family.”

“What does that mean?” A sudden, horrible thought appeared. “Bernie, you aren't here to take him, are you? Are you taking James away from me?”

“No! No, not at all. But I did come over to tell you that it's Kendra's right to pursue this avenue. The courts like children to be cared for by family members if at all possible, instead of strangers.”

Judith flinched. “But I'm not a stranger! Look.” Even though she realized her voice had risen to almost a screech, even though she realized she wasn't making a lick of sense, Judith gestured to the baby, who was settled on her lap, happily nursing on a bottle.

She knew enough about babies from her sisters-in-law to know not all babes ate so well. “Look at him, Bernie. He's a happy baby. James is happy with me.”

“I know he's happy. And I think you're doing a good job with him. But you are merely his foster mother.” Bernie took a deep breath, visibly steeling herself. “Judith, if you will recall, I distinctly told you that fostering a child was not a first step to adoption.” She regarded her carefully. “You told me you understood that.”

“I did. I mean, I do.”

“Then you must understand that my first priority has to be this baby's best interests.”

“I do understand.” But that was the crux of it, wasn't it? Judith realized. What made sense to the social worker, what made sense to the English laws, what even made sense to her brain didn't matter all that much to her heart. “But . . . can't you do something, Bernie? I'm not trying to take him away from his mother. I promise, I'm not. But she's in prison and he's happy here with me.”

Bernie looked at her a good long moment, and reached for her bag. “Hold on a sec.”

As the social worker dug in her tote, Judith felt her anxiety rise with each passing second. Of course, James felt her tension and pulled his mouth away from his bottle and began to squirm.

Tears filled her eyes. Judith attempted to blink them away before the other woman noticed. No way did she want Bernie to have a reason to take James out of her arms.

After opening up one of the folders, Bernie slipped on her glasses and skimmed the first couple of pages. Then she met Judith's worried frown.

“To be honest, I'm not all that sure how eager Kendra's relatives are to take on the raising of a baby. From what I understand, they all have their hands full with their own children and jobs. It says here that when my coworker talked to them she got the sense that they were offering for James out of a sense of obligation.”

Just as Judith was about to blurt what she thought about that, Ben came in the back door.

The moment he saw her expression, his happy smile dimmed. “What's going on?”

“I had some news to share with you,” Bernie replied, then proceeded to fill Ben in in her usual succinct way.

Just hearing about it all again made Judith feel even more frustrated.

As if he could read her mind, Ben rested a hand on her shoulder for a long moment before taking a seat at the table, too. “So far, all you've told us is what these mysterious relatives want. What about James's mother? What does Kendra think? Has she stated a preference?”

“When we placed James with you, this was her preference. She told me that she hadn't had good relations with her two sisters for years. But, um, I guess that they've been talking to each other more. I think her sisters have visited her at the correctional facility a couple of times.”

“So now they like each other?” Judith blurted.

Bernie paused, obviously choosing each word with care. “I think Kendra wants her little boy to be cared for by people who love him,” she added diplomatically. “She wants him safe and happy.”

“I do love him,” Judith protested, not caring how attached she sounded anymore. “He is safe and happy.”

Bernie's eyes softened. “I agree.” After glancing at the paperwork in front of her, she added, “But that said, you cannot ignore the aunts' desire to see the baby.”

“How would they see him?” Ben asked.

“Well, you have a couple of options. You can meet the relatives at a neutral spot. Or you could invite them here.”

“Where do they live?” Ben asked. “Do they live far away? Would they even come all the way to Sugarcreek?”

“I don't know why they wouldn't. Unless you and Ben really don't want them at your house, I would recommend that they come here. That way little James would get to stay here, in comfortable surroundings. And it will give Kendra's two sisters the opportunity to see how James is living. They would get to see that everything is okay.”

Judith felt her irritation grow. “Why wouldn't it be okay?”

“No offense, but sometimes when people hear ‘Amish' they think all kinds of crazy things. It's ignorance, of course. But if they visit you, and see what a nice home you have for the baby, well, I think, perhaps, that it will go a long way toward easing their minds.”

Judith bit her lip and looked at her husband worriedly. “What do they think is happening?” After shifting James in her arms, she blurted, “I am so tired of folks imagining that I'm all that different from someone who drives a car.”

Just as her husband placed a placating hand on her arm, Bernie smiled. “Now, don't get on your high horse, Judith. A lot of people have never been in an Amish home, have never met any Amish. Their only experience with the Plain people is from those creepy reality shows on television.”

Judith wasn't sure what Bernie meant by that, but she did understand her point. It was always better to see things face-to-face instead of worrying about them. “Ben, what do you think?”

“I think we might as well let them come over. You'll be here, too, right?”

Bernie nodded. “Absolutely.”

“Then I guess that's settled. Leave a message on the phone in the shanty about the date and time.”

Bernie smiled as she closed the folder. “I wanted to talk to you about something else . . . something to consider.”

“Yes?”

“You two might consider visiting Kendra at the prison.”

Judith couldn't imagine such a trip. “Why?”

“It would be in your best interest to get to know the baby's mother, don't you think? Even if James never sees her again, he's going to be curious. And believe it or not, I think you'll find her to be on your side. Kendra has had a difficult life and made a lot of foolish choices. But she truly loves her son.” Softly, Bernie added, “A mother's love for her child is a tangible thing. A wonderful bond. That's something we can't ever forget, right?”

Guilt edged into Judith's consciousness. She had been terribly selfish. Of course James's mother loved her baby. It was wrong of her to not want to remember that. “Of course.”

“Judith and I are going to have to talk a bit about visiting Kendra,” Ben said.

“Of course. I think that would be best.”

Realizing that little James had fallen asleep, Judith stood up and carefully handed him to Ben, who deposited him in the crib she had in the sitting room.

Standing up, Bernie slipped off her glasses and placed her cup and saucer on the kitchen counter. “Thank you for the tea and cookies, Judith. As usual, you spoil me.”

“Would you like some cookies to take home?” Judith knew Bernie lived on her own and often worked so late, she often made do with a couple of crackers or a frozen dinner when she got home at night.

“Not on your life! I'd eat them all in the car this afternoon. They were delicious, though.” She paused. “So, you'll call me after you and Ben talk?”

“We will. Bernie, you've given us a lot to think about. And to talk about.”

“I know this visit was difficult, Judith,” Bernie said, her eyes full of sympathy. “If it's any consolation, I want you to know that I think you're doing a great job as a foster parent.”

“
Danke
,” Judith said, making sure she kept a pleasant expression on her face as she walked Bernie out.

After briefly hugging her good-bye, Judith stood at the door and watched the lady pull out her cell phone, grab her pen, and start writing notes again.

Then she walked back inside and thought about everything Bernie had suggested. It was going to be hard to visit James's family and go to a prison to meet his real mother.

But as she leaned back against the couch, she felt the Lord's presence. As strongly as if He were standing in the room with her.

“You knew I needed this, didn't you, Lord?” she whispered. “You needed me to stop being so selfish, to stop thinking only of myself and my needs. Instead, I need to remember that this isn't about me, it's about James. And that we do not live in a closet, hidden away from the rest of the world. He has family who loves him, just as I do. What is most important is remembering that Your will is what needs to be done.”

She closed her eyes and gave thanks. And realized when she stood up again that she no longer felt a crushing weight on her shoulders. Instead, she felt lifted. Stronger.

Only the Lord knew who was the best person or people to take care of James. Only the Lord knew if James was destined to be Judith's child, or someone else's. And if she ever would have a baby to actually adopt.

But He knew best.

And as long as she remembered that, everything was going to be all right.

It might even be just fine.

chapter fifteen

Jana was staring at the message Ruth had taken and left on her desk when Pippa came into her office. “Pippa, Christina called in sick. We're going to be short a server again today.”

Pippa's eyebrows rose. “Two days in a row? Does she do that often?”

“Never,” she mused. “I guess she must really be feeling poorly.”

“I'll go take her tables,” Pippa said as she turned to leave.

“No. Wait a second. It's not too busy out there. Marla can handle everything. I wanted to see how you've liked working at the restaurant. You haven't said much.”

Pippa smiled. “Well, I've been waiting to hear what you've thought about me being here. Do you think I'm fitting in? Do the other women seem okay with me being here?” She wrinkled her nose. “Or do you feel that they would rather not work for a girl like me?”

Pippa always came across as so confident, she must really be worried to be asking so many questions. “I've never seen you like this, Pippa. Has someone said something mean to you?”

“Not here. It's just that sometimes it's happened in the past. Once or twice.”

Pippa's voice was thick with emotion. Jana's heart went out to her. “I am sorry to hear that. But as far as the Sugarcreek Inn goes, everyone loves having you here. The other girls have enjoyed getting to know you. I've been impressed with you, too.”

Pippa's gaze warmed. “That makes me happy. If you think things are working out, I'd like to move forward. ”

Actually drawing up the paperwork was a big step, but Jana knew it was time to move forward.

As Pippa stared at her, Jana thought about all the things she'd been missing out on. She could travel. She could visit her kids instead of hope they could find time to visit her in Sugarcreek.

She could even get to know Ross better. If she did that, she had a feeling that her life could definitely change. She would start living in the present and dreaming about the future instead of only recalling her past.

But only if she really made some changes.

At last, she gathered her courage and took the plunge. “Pippa, I would like our partnership to be seventy-thirty.”

Pippa blinked. “I see. Well, um. I am not sure that I would want to run the inn with only a thirty percent ownership, Jana. I would feel like I didn't have any real authority, you see.”