That Time I Joined the Circus (13 page)

112 Bowery — Friday, October 1

After the police station, and the morgue, I went home. I had heard all the details of the accident. I had smashed my phone to destroy the evidence of the frantic messages my dad had left me in the last minutes of his life, when he was wondering where I was, and also to destroy the messages from the NYPD.

It was all such a stupid waste. My dad was just crossing the street at the wrong time, and the cabbie was new, and he was lost, going the wrong way on a one-way street. They were both just trying to get home.

I let myself in with my key, but after that I had no idea what to do. I waited for someone to come and find me, to notice what had happened, but the sounds of cabs, horns, and sirens outside the apartment proved that life in the neighborhood was going on just like it had yesterday.

I wanted to call Eli and tell him what happened, but I
kept flashing back to the morning, and his face. The cold fire escape against my naked legs; the cold pavement and sharp gravel under my bare feet as I ran away.

I have no idea what happened to the rest of that day and night. My dad’s lawyer came by the next morning and brought me to his office. After he broke the news to me — that I was broke — he gave me the TracFone he’d gotten me, a little black flip phone. He’d tried to call all night, and said he was worried I had lost my phone in all the confusion. He didn’t know I didn’t have anyone to call. But I took it and said thank you.

I put it in my pocket and walked the twelve blocks to Bailey’s place. I didn’t have a horribly painful memory of her face like I did with Eli. But as soon as she opened the door, I knew that she knew. I knew she hated me. Eli had felt guilty and unburdened himself, I guess. She slammed the door in my face.

It took only three more days to figure out that I had no place to live, no school to attend, and no money. I pawned the few things I could find in the apartment worth anything and started packing.

Boca Raton, Florida — Friday, December 3

“Butter or kettle corn?” I asked Lina.

“Butter, definitely. But don’t tell my dad or Liska,” she warned. “Now that I’m grounded for a couple months, they’ll be watching me like a hawk to make sure I don’t get fat.” She made a glum face, then turned her attention to the grocery store’s impressive selection of potato chips.

“That sucks,” I told her. “I guess flying through the air is kind of a job for the skinny. I never really thought about it.”

“Yeah, try being on a diet for your entire life; you’ll think about it more than you ever wanted.” Lina smiled defiantly as she threw a bag of Cheetos into our grocery cart. I threw in another one for good measure. Nick was gone, and maybe never coming back. I planned to drown my sorrows in junk food.

Lina was bummed, too. She had gotten hurt the other
day — not a bad injury, but a sprain in her left arm. So we were on a quest for snacks. I was amazed and a little horrified at the Boca Raton version of a grocery store — the floors were marble, and about half the store was super-expensive organic food, European sodas, and cookies. It was like the Upper East Side only much, much bigger — and tanner and blonder. Lina and I skipped past all the designer produce and went straight for the good stuff. We were planning a movie night as soon as the show closed, but we already had enough for at least two of those in the cart.

When we got back to Europa with our five bags of junk, I got a surprise: Nick.

“I talked Louie into closing the Fortune Trailer,” he said by way of hello.

Lina took half of the grocery bags from me, hit me in the stomach with them when I started to protest that she was hurt, and promptly disappeared.

“Well, hi to you, too, Nick Tarus,” I said, blushing at the sight of him. “Glad you could drop by to get me fired, or whatever. I hope the ring crew is willing to take me back.”

Nick grabbed the rest of the bags from me. I tried to fight him, but we were crushing the chips, so I let go. “I’m not trying to get you fired. Louie called me. I know what’s been going on at this stop, Lexi.”

Nick wasn’t wrong. This was our last stop of the season, in what had turned out to be a rotten location. Boca was gorgeous, but the circus looked almost shabby here. Even
though I’d felt like an outsider at the circus just a couple of months ago, now I felt like an outsider among the customers. Here, the parking lots were full of BMWs and Bentleys, and even the toddlers looked expensive.

The affluent teenagers who came out to spend a few bucks on the games, the rides, and the food looked like aliens to me now. Some of them came to hassle us, too — the guys hit on us girls in a way that made us feel dirty, and they kept trying to start fights with our guys. Jamie and the two Romanian brothers who worked on the ring crew had all showed up to breakfast the other morning sporting black eyes and looking proud of themselves. Louie made them wear makeup for the show, though, so that took some of the swagger out of them. And the crowds had been huge: college kids home on holiday break, the high school kids almost out of school, and everyone acting slightly crazy, drunk with freedom.

“But now you’re back —” I began.

“I’m back because Louie called me to help him. I can’t stay with you at the Trailer all night, so he’s closing it. But don’t worry, I got you a fun new job. You
and
Lina. I’ll see you on the midway.” Nick took the bags in, then reappeared a moment later, winked at me, and took off toward Louie’s trailer.

It turns out it actually
was
a fun job.

“We get to run Go Fish tonight!” Lina squealed as soon as I opened the trailer door.

“Is that a good thing?” I asked.

“It’ll be awesome! It’s over by the Tower, so there’s loud music all night, and I get to wear jeans!”

I could understand the attraction for her there. Her usual work uniform looked very binding and was full of poke-y sequins. “That’s cool. But what
is
it?”

“You’ve seen it. It’s in the little stand over by the funnel cakes. For two bucks you get three Ping-Pong balls, and you throw ’em and try to get one in a fishbowl.”

“Doesn’t that hurt the fish?”

“No, Lex. There’s a trick to it. The ball doesn’t hit the fish. And they’re not playing for the live fish — we’ve got stuffed ones.”

“Can we bring Coke and potato chips?” I asked her.

“Yeah we can! Now, go change into that black shirt with the scoopy neck. Nick will be hanging around that part of the midway for sure.” She waggled her eyebrows at me and gave me a push toward my room.

Go Fish was much easier than telling fortunes. There was a giant trash can full of small-fish prizes, and we gave away probably more than we should — every cute kid who came our way left with a fish, whether their dad or mom showed any ring-throwing skill or not.

Between the holiday mood that the carnivalgoers had brought with them — on vacation, or about to be, from school or work — and us being away from our “real” jobs at the circus, Lina and I were giddy and punchy. Craig, the ride operator for the nearby Tower, was blasting classic rock, and
Lina and I sang along to songs by Blue Öyster Cult, Styx, Kansas, the Eagles, and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Somehow we managed to gather a little crowd as we sang along to Journey’s “Separate Ways.” I caught Nick’s eye from a distance; he was watching me, but I kept right on singing. He looked younger than he usually did tonight, dressed in a black T-shirt and holey jeans.

We were singing the chorus — “Someday love will find you, break those chains that bind you” — and really selling it when I saw him standing there in the crowd.

Eli.

I know I stopped singing, and something of what I felt must have shown on my face, because I saw Nick take a step forward. The world looked impossibly bright for one instant, and then everything went completely dark.

I came to with my head in Nick Tarus’s lap, Lina’s concerned face a few inches from mine. We were on the floor behind the wooden box that enclosed the game, and I couldn’t see past the edge of it to see if Eli was still there, or if he ever had been. It seemed like I’d imagined him. But another part of me knew I hadn’t — the shock of seeing Eli appear in this world had to be what knocked me out. I wasn’t a fainter — in fact, I had been pretty sure a few minutes ago that I would successfully navigate my entire life
without
fainting like an idiot. I hadn’t fainted when they’d told me about my dad, even.

I heard the ominous opening chords of Hendrix’s “All
Along the Watchtower” and struggled to sit up, determined not to act like a stupid fainty girl for one more second. But I sat up too fast and heard Nick say, “Whoa, slow down.”

“I’m fine,” I told him, but he was still holding me.

“Lexi, what happened?” Lina asked, her delicate features contracted in concern.

“Stay put, Lex,” Nick said as I struggled against his arms. For some reason, it seemed really important that I get to my feet.

“Let her go,” I heard a familiar voice say, though the tone of it was unfamiliar. He was trying to sound macho, which was new, and would be amusing if I hadn’t just passed out. And in front of two of the three guys I had seriously made out with in my life. Now if Jamie were here, I thought wryly, my humiliation would be complete.

“Jamie, go get Louie,” I heard Lina say one second later. Of course.

“I mean it, let her go.” Eli, who Nick seemed to have utterly ignored, tried again, stepping even closer to the edge of the box and leaning over.

Without a word, Nick scooped me up, hoisted me in his arms, and carried me out of the game box, Lina scurrying ahead of him and opening the back swing-door as though they’d choreographed it. Ha! Take that, Eli. It was almost worth fainting, that look on his face as he saw Nick pick me up.

“Have a couple of the guys … detain … that boy,” I heard Nick tell Lina, who nodded and disappeared.

For the first time in my life, I had been rescued, just like in one of those ridiculous Regency novels. The only trouble was, I was pretty sure that when Nick found out why the sight of my former best friend made me pass out, he wasn’t going to be too interested in saving me anymore.

Eli followed us to Louie’s trailer, where Louie was waiting for us, wringing his hands and asking Nick if he needed to call a doctor. He was still wearing his ringmaster gear, minus the hat, but he looked pretty funny dancing around Nick, who put me down on the couch in the trailer.

“I’m okay!” I protested.

“What happened?” Louie asked Nick.

Nick looked down at me, narrowing his eyes. “She fainted. She saw someone who apparently she did
not
want to see. Someone I’m going to go take care of right now.”

“Wait!” I yelled after him, but he was already out the door.

I got to my feet and was headed for the door as I heard a strange replay of my first conversation with Nick.

“Who the hell are you?” he was demanding of Eli. Emerging out onto the rickety trailer steps, I could see for myself that Eli was backing away slowly; he looked so young and skinny next to Nick.

“No, who the hell are
you
?” Eli asked belligerently, in spite of the fact that he was still backing away. I saw his chin go up a little like it did when he was deciding to be defiant.

I started to walk toward them, meaning to step between them, when Lina tugged my arm back.

“Don’t ever get in between two guys who are about to fight, Lexi. I learned that the hard way once.”

“But I think they’re about to fight about me!” I squeaked.

“We’re not going to let them fight,” I heard Louie say behind me. “Just don’t you go stepping in between ’em.”

“Xandra!” Eli sounded upset, and a little confused.

Nick shot me a strange look with a question in it.

I sighed. Talking to Eli was not something I felt like doing ever again. But it didn’t seem like he was going to leave.

“Let me talk to him, okay?” I said to Nick. “For, like, a minute,” I added, giving Eli a dark look. Nick took a step forward, but I put my hand up to stop him. “I’ll be fine,” I told him. “I was just … surprised to see him. I’m fine. It’s all fine.”

“Yes, because fainting and then obsessively repeating the word
fine
is so very reassuring,” Nick said dryly as I walked past him, back toward the trailer. I didn’t look to see if Eli followed me — I figured he had. If he was going to give up easily, he’d had his chance at that anytime in the last half hour.

I walked back up the stairs of the trailer, sat down on the couch, crossed my arms, and waited. Eli came in a few seconds later, and I saw him pull the door shut. And then I was looking at Eli, whose face I never thought I’d see again. I was transported back to two months ago, when all I had wanted was someone to be there for me. And the one person
who I’d thought always would be had left me completely alone on the day my father died.

“Why are you here, Eli?” My voice sounded cold even to my own ears.

“I came to find you.” He stood in front of me, his hands in the pockets of his jeans and his head down. “It wasn’t easy … No one knew where you’d gone. I finally tracked down your dad’s lawyer … He … helped me.”

“Great.” I sat back so I could look up at him. “Speaking of my dad. He died, Eli. He
died
, and you didn’t come to the funeral. Or check on me, or give a damn about me then. So I guess I’m back to the original question. Why are you here? What could you possibly have to say to me now?”

“I came to apologize, X. I know … what I did. I know — but, look, it was complicated —”

“No, it wasn’t, Eli. It was simple. He died. In the street, like a stray dog. With no one to claim him, because I was off
fooling around
with you.” I snarled the last. “And then when they finally found me, it was just in time for me to get kicked out of the apartment, kicked out of school, and have just enough money after selling my dad’s records to buy a bus ticket out of there. So it’s all really pretty simple. While you went back to your beloved girlfriend, I figured out, all alone, what to do with my dad’s body. And then I figured out how to not starve to death myself. So, yeah. Thanks for the apology, but I don’t really need it anymore. That time has passed — it’s over. It’s all over. You and me, we’re definitely over.”

And suddenly I just wanted to be out of that trailer. Eli was staring at me with what looked maybe like tears in his eyes, and I didn’t want to see them fall, didn’t want to feel bad for him, didn’t want to go back there. So I ran.

I didn’t get far; Nick caught me and picked me up again — it was getting to be some crazy romance novel habit of his. He carried me away from Eli and from two months ago, and I let him.

He put me in his car, and we drove for a while. “I won’t ask you about that kid,” Nick said as we drove. “But if you want me to get rid of him for you, I will.”

The way he said it, he sounded so serious — like he was a mobster offering to off somebody for me. I giggled, but then it sort of turned into a sob.

“I’m sorry!” I told him, forcing myself to stop cry-laughing. “You don’t have to get rid of him. I mean, he’ll probably go on his own. It’s just … he used to be my best friend. And I haven’t seen him since that night … when my dad …” I swallowed hard. I couldn’t finish.

“You don’t have to tell me anything.” Nick looked over at me, then reached out and found my knee and squeezed it. “It will all be okay.”

“Feels like it now,” I told him.
With you here
was the part I didn’t say out loud. I remembered Lina telling me about how Nick always took care of everybody. “I’m sorry I fainted like an idiot,” I told him.

“You aren’t an idiot. I think you’re actually pretty brave. You came here all alone, you’ve handled everything Louie’s
thrown at you. You never even cried, unless you count the time some jerk yelled at you.” I looked over at him and saw him smile in the dark. “And you make the best mix CDs,” he added.

I had finally worked up the courage to give it to him right before he left. I’d obsessed over that mix more than any one I’d ever made. I turned a little away from him to hide a giant smile. I was an emotional yo-yo tonight. “You liked it?”