That Wedding (40 page)

Lori is sitting next to me. She hasn't moved an inch, but I swear, I just felt the earth shift. Like she's a volcano waiting to blow.

She gives Danny the evilest stare I've ever seen. Way worse than the death stare she gave me at her candle passing. And that almost killed me.

Danny is kinda drunk, and he's having fun, goofing around. I don't think he realizes that this is in no way funny to Lori.

She grabs his hand across the table to get his attention and says madly, "I've been puking daily, listening to classical music that I hate, and drinking only organic juices. I haven't had a cup of coffee, a diet coke, or a beer in months. I've painted the nursery with nontoxic paint, so the baby won't get cancer, and bought baby Einstein toys. And you mean to tell me, your only goal for our child is to not be a stripper or a drug addict?"

"We're just messing around, having fun. Relax, Lori," Danny says.

She pulls her hand away from him. "You're right. That's exactly what I need to do." She says, "Excuse me," to the table and slides out of her chair.

Her and her baby bump make their way up to the bar. A few minutes later, she comes back with two shots of tequila and a pack of cigarettes.

She's about to make a point, I think.

Danny and the boys are still enjoying the baby name game. Danny's laughing hysterically about another stripper name.

Neil says, "How bout Dakota Diamond? She could wear a cowboy hat, boots, and a rhinestone thong."

The guys all laugh hysterically. Phillip is wiping tears from his eyes. The only time Phillip laughs so much he cries is when he's drunk.

I watch Lori open the pack of cigarettes, take one out, put it in her mouth, and light it.

She takes a pretend drag, slides a shot glass in front of me, and says loudly, "To my future child."

I hold my shot glass in the air while I kick Danny under the table.

He looks at Lori in horror and grabs the shot glass away from her. "What the hell are you doing?"

Her voice is surprisingly calm as she says, "Why should I make all these sacrifices for our child when your expectations are so low?"

"We're just teasing. I have goals for our child. Big goals. And I'm so proud of all you've done. I'm sorry, baby."

What a suck up.

Lori seems to be appeased though. She smashes out the cigarette, moves the ashtray as far away as she can, and then announces that she has to pee.

When she's safely in the bathroom, Danny turns to me, clinks the shot glass against mine, and downs the shot. Then he takes mine and downs it too.

Somehow, I don't think it will be his last of the pregnancy.

"This isn't going to be easy, is it?" he asks.

I just smile at him because I really don't have an answer.

I feel like I'm out in the wilderness hunting for my dinner without a gun.

And it's hopeless that I'll ever find myself a meal because Phillip won't let me have a gun.

He says women shouldn't carry guns. And when I ask if I could have a knife, or a sword, or a grenade, or even a bow and arrow, he just keeps saying no, no, no.

And no is not a word I like to hear.

I adore Phillip, but he really needs to set foot in this century.

Why do I feel this way?

Because we're looking at houses, and we can't seem to agree on what to spend. Phillip is conservative and has a strict budget in mind, and nothing I say can change that stubborn mind.

I've offered to get money out of my trust, so we can afford something a little nicer. Something preferably in Danny and Lori's neighborhood. Phillip says no. He doesn't want me to spend any of my money on the house. I've even tried to be creative. I've offered a lot of money. I've offered little amounts of money. I've offered monthly kind of money.

But still, no.

He has his mind made up that we can afford X amount, and there is no discussion about it.

Which I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.

We're going to be married.

Shouldn't we be able to discuss this?

Does Phillip really believe that he wears the pants in the family? I thought we were gonna have a pants-free relationship!

This is why couple's counseling is bullshit.

Phillip is picking up bad habits there!

Where's the calm, reasonable Phillip that I know and love? Where's the guy who can't stand to see me pout?

Not in the car with me today, apparently, because I just tried to bring up the budget subject again, and he shut me down. I even gave him my adorable, irresistible pout, and he ignored it!!

I'm lazily rubbing Phillip's back. He loves when I rub his back after sex. He's also usually in a pretty damn good mood. Lori says she could ask Danny for anything she wanted after sex, and he'd probably agree to it. She also says that she lets Danny think he wears the pants in the family.

I'm wondering if she might be on to something. My usual tactics aren't working at all, so maybe I do need a more subtle approach.

"Phillip, I was thinking that maybe part of the reason we're having a hard time finding a house is because we haven't given the realtor much to go on. All you've given her is a price range. Maybe we should talk about what we really want."

He considers the question, probably trying to gauge its threat level. He must decide we're still at DEFCON1 because he says, "You might be right. We haven't been very helpful. What do I want? I wanna be able to afford it."

"Yes, that one we already know," I sigh. Maybe this isn't going to work.

But he goes on. "I'd also like a modern kitchen with granite countertops. I'd like a room where we can entertain, maybe play pool, watch TV."

Wow. We might be making progress. I want those things too!! "I agree with you, Phillip. What else?"

"Three garages would be really nice, you know, in case we decide to get another car."

"You don't want to spend any money on a house, and now you want another car?!"

"Not now, but eventually, yes."

I decide not to start a fight.

I'm so amiable tonight. I don't know what's gotten into me.

"Okay, what else?"

"A big backyard and a hot tub, for sure. I miss how we used to sit in the hot tub and talk for hours."

I smile at him, remembering all those talks in college. How we would dream about our futures. "I miss the hot tub too, and you know how I like the water. I'd love it if we had a big bath tub." Things are going well, so I decide to push it just a bit. "I'd also love to have some kind of view."

"We cannot afford to live by Danny. I'm not an NFL quarterback, okay?"

"That's not what I meant, Phillip. I just don't want a backyard where my view is nothing but a tall wooden fence. That would drive me nuts! I get that you don't want to spend any money and have any fun."

"Do you have any idea what they spent on their house? Even with the raise I'm getting, I can't afford that."

"Yeah, I do. And the remodel too. I don't know why you're being so stubborn about this. Let's take what you're comfortable spending and pay the rest from my trust."

"I can't do that. That's your money and if something happened to us..."

"Phillip? What are you saying? Are you saying you don't think we're gonna work out?"

"Well if you don't stop bugging me about this, we might not work out. I have a good job. I don't need your handouts to buy my wife a house."

My mouth flops open. I quickly clamp it shut because I think we just got to the root of the problem.

I need to think more about the best way to approach this. I'm pretty sure some sex and a back rub isn't gonna work in this situation. Besides, I've been on the internet every day, and there's nothing for sale worth fighting over.

Might as well let him wear the pants for a little while longer.

Speaking of pants.

He's not wearing any, so I slide my hand between his legs, kiss his neck, say, "We'll work out just fine," and let him take control.

If it weren't for the promise of margaritas after, I don't think I could get through couple's counseling.

I've also come to hate these stupid blue checkered chairs.

I'm fantasizing about how I'm going to sneak in his office, steal them, and burn them. That way no other couple will ever have to sit in them again. I'm going to steal his records and invite all the other couples who've been tortured here. We'll stand around the chairs, have a big bonfire, and roast wienies that look like Pastor John.