"And Athena sprang from Zeus's brow," said Sam, "and Hera gave birth to Hephaestus through parthenogenesis, in retaliation for Zeus not conceiving Athena with her, and so on and so on. All these old stories, they're not true, and they're not how you Olympians really came to be."
"Oh?" said Aphrodite, narrowing her starry-lashed eyes. "And how did we come to be, if not in those ways which the poets and bards have long enshrined in song?"
Sam studied the two of them. She was usually pretty good at spotting liars, and neither was giving any of the telltale signs. Yet they were no more genuinely Dionysus and Aphrodite than Xander Landesman was genuinely Zeus. Did they not understand that they were impostors? And if not, how not?
Not germane to the matter at hand
, said the voice of DI Prothero in the back of her mind.
"It doesn't matter," she said, "and anyway it's off-topic. You two put out word that you wanted a friendly meeting with us."
"Yes," said Dionysus. "How did you get to hear? Was it directly from one of the Lotus Eaters? No point cultivating an association with these people if we can't put them to work for us every once in a while."
"I'd rather not say." In the event, the message had come via a roundabout route, from a Lotus Eater who was an acquaintance of Landesman's. According to Ramsay, the Lotus Eater had mentioned it in passing during a phone conversation - an invitation from Dionysus and Aphrodite to their anonymous opponents to come for a parley - and Landesman had in turn mentioned it to Lillicrap, who'd just happened to let it slip to a tech within earshot of Ramsay. Ramsay had no idea whether the last had been a setup deliberately contrived by Landesman or just mere happenstance. Either way, he'd decided that here was an opportunity too good to pass up.
"We get to scope out two of the opposition at first hand," he'd told Sam, "and if it turns out the Olympians really are desperate for peace, then we'll know for sure that we've got 'em scared." A tap of his forehead. "The mental edge."
For her part, Sam had begun to wonder whether a truce might not be the best solution available. A compromise, yes, but better than the alternative, which was a war of attrition she didn't believe the Titans could win.
"Would I be right in thinking," she continued, "that you're doing this without Zeus's permission?"
"Without even his knowledge," said Dionysus, rubbing his head in such a way that he accidentally nudged his wreath of entwined vine stems. For the rest of the meeting it sat cocked at an angle, no longer the dignified symbol of dominion. "This is purely our own initiative, mine and Beautiful-Buttocked Aphrodite's. You don't mind me using that particular epithet, do you, Aphrodite?"
"There are worse."
"Mighty Zeus would strike us down with a thunderbolt if he got wind of what we're up to," Dionysus went on. "He is consumed utterly with hatred of you people. He shan't be content until you're all dead. You should hear him ranting on about you. Your hubris! Your impiety! Ares and Athena are absolutely on his side, as is Hera, of course, and the Twins. Hades too. Even Aphrodite's husband Hephaestus spits tacks whenever the subject of you comes up on Olympus, as you can imagine happens quite often."
"We two," said Aphrodite, "like to think we're more reasonable than the rest of the Pantheon. More kindly disposed toward mortals, as well. We're actually rather fond of you lot, on the whole."
"Both of us like a bit of fun," said Dionysus, "and don't you mortals too? After all, without intoxicants and fornication, how dull would life be? Our Lotus Eaters understand that. One needs to let go from time to time, go wild, take leave of one's senses, otherwise existence is an airless tomb that slowly suffocates."
"Dionysus the Blossoming and I believe," said Aphrodite, "that you - you Titans, as we now know to call you - and we Olympians could keep going at one another hammer and tongs, and all that will result will be just more unpleasantness, more bloodshed, more deaths. There is another way. There must be. Hopefully, you and we can establish some common ground here this evening. We can lay the foundation for further talks in which we can work out a way for Olympians and Titans to coexist. What, for example, is your ultimate goal? Tell us. Perhaps it's something that can be achieved through negotiation rather than conflict."
"Killing all of you is our ultimate goal," Ramsay said.
Aphrodite's lip curled delicately at his bluntness. "But say you accomplish that, Hyperion. Unlikely, but say you do. Then?"
"Then, speaking for myself, I retire to the West Indies and spend the rest of my days deep-sea fishing, drinking piña coladas out of coconut shells and reggae dancing with girls with big round behinds."
"And you, Mnemosyne?"
"Get on with my life again. Maybe run a delicatessen. That was my dream as a little girl."
"What about you, Tethys?"
"I don't have a plan as such," said Sam. "Haven't thought that far ahead."
"Some might call that a lack of foresight. Others, a lack of confidence."
"I'd call it being pragmatic."
"And as a group do you Titans have a strategy for what happens if you do destroy us? Can you imagine how a post-Pantheonic world would operate?"
"Can you?"
"I don't have to. There will be no such thing. We're immortal. We will rule for ever."
"Immortal, yet you can be killed."
"Hercules was only a demigod."
"And Hermes?"
"He hasn't been confirmed dead."
"But you fear death. You don't like it when people come gunning for you. You retaliate hard."
"A natural reaction. Nobody, not even a god, wishes to be hurt or harmed."
"I have already died once," Dionysus said, "as I explained just now. I have no great desire to repeat the experience."
"You believe all of this stuff, don't you?" Sam said. "You're thoroughly convinced you're divine beings."
"Belief implies the absence of fact," Aphrodite replied. "I don't need to be convinced of anything about myself. One look in the mirror is all it takes. I am Aphrodite, Laughing Aphrodite, Aphrodite the Dark-Eyed, the Silver-Footed and, yes, the Beautiful-Buttocked. I have always been, will always be. I fear, however, that this digression isn't getting us anywhere. Calling my and Dionysus's godhood into question may be childishly satisfying for you but it's hardly diplomacy, and that, after all, is what we're here for, isn't it? Diplomacy? Otherwise I might act undiplomatically myself and point out that there's a certain irony in someone who calls herself Tethys but knows she really isn't accusing someone of not being Aphrodite who knows she really is."
"I'm glad to hear you wouldn't do that."
"Love is forgiveness," said Aphrodite, with magnanimous grace, "and I am the goddess of love."
"So," said Dionysus, "is there any way we can persuade you that not trying to kill us might be a good idea?" The wine was starting to take effect. His speech had begun to slur:
sho
,
pershuade
,
ush
. "Can we tempt you with something? Is it money you want? Land? A kingdom to rule over yourselves? I'm sure it could be arranged. Perhaps you'd like Britain. We could afford to let you have it, I'm sure. Nice enough place, bit too damp for my liking and no viniculture to speak of, but architecturally impressive and the British, as a race, have a scrappy tenacity that one can admire if not necessarily warm to. All we'd have to do is ask Bartlett to step down and have you installed in his place. Not difficult. Would that suit?"
"Throw in Outer Mongolia and you've got yourself a deal," said Ramsay.
"Really? Oh. No. I see. Flippancy."
"I was going for sarcasm but, hey, flippancy'll do."
"We're not in this for material gain, Dionysus," said Sam. "If you want to offer us something, how about unconditional surrender?"
Dionysus almost popped with laughter. "What, we shuffle off to Olympus and stay there for ever and never bother anyone again?" he said, refilling his glass for the third time.
"Pretty much."
"And who would keep an eye on things? Who would suppress the oppressors and tame the tyrants and generally keep humankind on the straight and narrow? Because, let me tell you, if it weren't for us this world would be in a very sorry state indeed. You surely couldn't expect us to sit on our hands and do nothing while injustice and inequality and greed and environmental despoliation all rear their ugly heads again. With our powers? Our strength? What is the
point
of us if not to save you from your own worst impulses?"
"The point of gods, surely, is not to punish people for doing wrong but encourage people to do right by setting an example," Sam said. "Gods should be an inspiration, something to aspire to, not a bunch of bullies throwing their weight around."
"Jesus Christ and that Mohammed fellow certainly claimed as much," Dionysus said, "but then they were men mediating on behalf of a supreme being, trying to reconcile his will with human hopes, and when you get down to it that monotheistic deity of theirs was hardly a poster boy for virtue and tolerance, now was he? Floods. Plagues. Ferocious edicts against homosexuals and women. Ring any bells?"
"But you could be different. You could be the first gods truly deserving of worship. Instead of just slaughtering anyone who disagrees with you or opposes you, you could show compassion and forb- forb- What's the damn word?"
"Forbearance?"
"That's the one." Sam paused to check on herself. Was Dionysus bringing his power to bear on her, fuddling her wits, or had she merely misplaced a word she was looking for, as you did from time to time? She felt OK, she thought. Heart rate a little elevated, which was only to be expected, but otherwise normal. The hypos were within easy reach. Proceed, then, with caution. "Forbearance. You could take a constructive rather than destructive approach. Help out. Be kind." She looked significantly at Aphrodite. "Show love."
"Love must sometimes be stern," Aphrodite said. "A mother must chide and scold, no matter how profoundly she adores her children -
because
she adores them and wants them to learn rules and manners and do themselves no harm."
"What was the Obliteration, then?" said Ramsay. "Hell of a chiding, if you ask me, and it wasn't even like Hong Kong had done anything to offend you."
"An example had to be set. A city was chosen, one that had prestige and status and seemed to embody everything that mortals hold dear: wealth, ambition, success, acquisitiveness. We had to demonstrate exactly what we were capable of and how far we'd be prepared to go to subdue resistance and bring peace."
"At a cost of seven million lives?" said Sam.
"Any fewer and you might not have sat up and taken notice. And they had to be civilians, because up until then the Pantheon had caused tens of thousands of military casualties and nobody seemed any too bothered by that. The Obliteration was expedience, on a necessarily grand scale."
"And you wonder why we hate you," Mahmoud seethed, "why we want to depose you. To talk so coolly about a massacre, a holocaust..."
Aphrodite aimed a placid look at her. "Have you ever owned a pet?"
"No. Why?"
"If you'd owned a pet, you'd know that if it becomes terminally ill, the kindest thing you can do is have it put down. It grieves you but it must be done. That is how we felt about the Obliteration - tragic but unavoidable, an act of love that would appear, on the surface at least, cruel, but was well intentioned. We love you mortals. Truly, we do. We want only what's best for you."
"And
you
determine what's best," said Sam.
"Someone has to. You seem so incapable of doing it yourselves."
Sam rose.
"Oh," said Dionysus, wine glass halfway to lips. "Are we done? So soon? I thought we all seemed to be getting along."
"I've given you our terms," Sam said. "You Olympians stand down. You no longer interfere. In return, we leave you be."
"You drive a hard bargain," said Aphrodite. "No concessions? No room for manoeuvre? We can't make a counteroffer? It's that or nothing?"
"Believe me, this is me being generous. Go and tell Zeus what's on the table."
"He won't like it," said Dionysus.
"Use your influence on him, both of you."
"We wouldn't dare to."
"Then try appealing to his good nature, if he has one. It's for your own good, yours and the whole Pantheon's."
"We will at least consider it," said Aphrodite. "I promise we will give it great thought. Won't we, Dionysus? We will also sound out the Cloud-Gatherer, circumspectly, to see if there's any likelihood at all of him budging in his viewpoint. If I know my nephew, there won't be, but we can always hope. And maybe, in a day or so, we can meet up again?"
"Maybe."
"How should we get in touch with you? Passing messages via the Lotus Eaters isn't the most reliable method of communication. If you were to let us have a phone number...?"
Sam deliberated. "I don't know."
"We won't try and trace it, if that's what you're worried about. I swear."
Finally she relented. She scribbled her mobile number down on a scrap of paper. A mobile was less easily traced than a landline, and as long as she kept the conversation brief she doubted Argus would have time to pinpoint her whereabouts.