I shook my head in wonder.
“Heidi has competed with every woman Reggie has ever had, at least the ones that she’s known about, like you. But the fact is, he doesn’t love her and he never has. He treats her more like a sister than a wife or lover. She feels cursed, and is determined to be miserable about it. It drives her crazy, this trying to win him back.”
I didn’t mask my astonishment. I felt suddenly thrown into a strange love triangle. How odd. I understood her jealousy. “It seems such a waste,” I finally said.
“That’s exactly the nature of most of my conversations with her.”
“And are you her…her lover, or just a friend?”
“Both.”
“So where does this leave you?”
“Periodically returning here in order to see her hurt again. I think she’s accepted that things won’t change, but she’s still letting it control her life.”
“Then, just now, it was just her jealously talking, right?”
“Yes, but there’s a bit of truth about his affection for you.”
“You really think so?”
“I can’t say anymore, Alex, I’ve probably said too much already. But I think you should be careful with your knowledge.”
Ann had to leave before I could question her further. I doubt that I would have really listened to her elaborate on what ‘being careful’ meant. My course was set before that conversation, and I was barreling down a path that my inner heart would relentlessly pursue.
Now days later in my room, as I gazed at the skimpy green dress, I knew I’d be grabbing his attention that evening. He had unusual tastes, preferring my dress erotic and sensual to strictly lewd and bitchy when he was hosting dinner for a full table of guests. We saved ‘slutty’ for the deliberate sexual dramas, but this night was
my
drama and I was walking into it eyes wide open – or so I thought.
Reggie had told me to be downstairs at 6:15. He’d meet me there that night rather than drop by my room on his way. That was perfect, the perfect occasion to plan my tardiness. And feeling totally giddy, I blew into the library at 6:30 like a fresh breeze, my attitude more cheerful than it had been my whole stay. I was not the wary and demure submissive this night.
The room was filled with guests, and it was my stage; the entrance was my cue, and I performed like the most accomplished actress with poise and charisma that had everyone doting on me, and, so I quickly noticed, Reggie shooting icy arrows in my direction.
I cringed at his cold glance, but turned around to pour all my charm on our guests as I led them to the dining room as the master’s hostess for the night. He held back, watching me cautiously. Heidi laughed at my flippancy. Ann was frightened – I saw her worried expression, but it only affected me briefly. I was as ruthless in my defiance of Reggie’s mastery as he was ruthless in his mastery. I sensed we were running full speed, on a collision course with each other, and I couldn’t wait for the confrontation to commence. I was certain of myself and that triumph would follow.
I credit Reggie for his restraint; of course, he wouldn’t put our battle on the dinner table for all to behold. Not if he could avoid it – especially when it wasn’t his creation. Still, I made certain that I remained in control. I dominated the chatter at the table, and the eyes of the guests were constantly focused on me. A lot of it must have been the dress; after all, my breasts were practically exposed as they were pushed up by the tight-fitting bodice. I even allowed dear little Jonathan sitting next to me to reach under the table and fondle my thigh.
“My god! You’re bare under this dress!” he exclaimed not too quietly.
“Jonathan,” I giggled in mock horror. I leaned over the table and spoke to him in a seductive whisper that half the table was certain to hear. “Why don’t you play with me more; maybe I can come for you right here?”
Reggie responded just as I hoped, though his reaction did frighten me a little. Perhaps I was going too far? It wasn’t long before he gracefully rose from his seat and came to me. That act in itself was a blow to his control.
“Alexandra, what the hell are you doing?” he whispered.
The question had me all charged up, exactly what I was waiting for and I couldn’t stop myself. “Reggie wants to know what the hell I’m doing,” I said loud enough for all his guests to hear. “I thought I was being charming, perhaps Reggie’s the one who’s being stuffy. What do you think, Jonathan?” I laughed, and had the whole table chuckling.
“I think you’re wonderful,” Jonathan replied, enjoying the game.
I never thought about having to watch my backside, but I doubt it would have altered things one bit.
“You are out of line!” Reggie spoke tersely. Then he yanked me out of my chair by the arm, the chair and dishes went flying as he jerked me around so we were face to face, the irate dominant sneering at me, “You miserable bitch!”
His powerful hand grasped my arm so tightly that I knew there’d be bruises by morning.
“Don’t be an ass!” This was not going according to plan and I should have backed off, but I wouldn’t let go. “Get your fucking hands off of me,” I seethed, more quietly.
Before I knew what was happening the palm of his free hand connected with my face in a stinging smack. It wasn’t all that hard, but the shock of it stopped me cold.
“This is what you chose, this is what you get!” he reminded me.
“Ha! Choice!” I mocked his indignant tone. “You call what we have a relationship of choice? You’re a master at domination as long as there is someone to submit to you. But I wonder if you could ever have a really adult relationship?”
The glacial look in his blue eyes was terrifying. And the way he seemed to abruptly modulate his temper had me seriously concerned. By the time he spoke again he was back in control.
“Yes, I see what this has come to,” he said evenly. “Go pack your bags and leave.”
I’d enjoyed returning cruel words with cruel words; I could see how they’d hit their mark. I was just getting started, but suddenly
ordered to leave
. Ordered to leave!
His eyes flashed when I didn’t move fast enough. “Get out!” He gave the order again, his voice lowering dangerously.
There was nothing to quarrel with. My breathing was shallow, almost as if I was choking. I wanted to say something in return, but he’d left no room, no choice except for me to go. There was not a gracious or mocking or even angry way to say what would allow me to retain my self-esteem. Reggie played the one card in his hand that I hadn’t anticipated. He’d won. Damn him! He’d won.
Too embarrassed now to even glance at his table of guests, I raced out of the room and up the stairs, hastily throwing all my clothes into my suitcase, leaving those he’d given me hanging in the closet. It took me no longer than ten minutes to be changed into street clothes, packed and ready. I was anxious to leave, my heart racing, full of rage and regret. I loved myself for my act of defiance; it was the most glorious thing I’d ever done – and one of the cruelest. I hated myself for that. The results were unexpected. Yes, I had the reaction I wanted, and a magnificent one too, but the finale was all wrong.
I’d called a taxi from my cell phone and waited nervously for it to arrive. Feeling conspicuous and alien in the midst of the unwelcoming walls of his house, the sooner I left, the safer I’d be. But I’d been crushed and was leaving defeated and unfulfilled, as if everything that had happened here was for nothing.
While I sat in my room, not knowing what to feel, Heidi wandered in to challenge my solitude.
“You certainly gave this dinner party some excitement,” she chuckled, obviously delighted. “I’ve been dying for years to see Reggie bested.”
“Heidi, this was not what I intended.” I didn’t share her mirth.
“I know,” she said, the tone of her voice changed swiftly, so that her remark almost sounded like an apology.
“Well, I suppose I won’t be seeing you again.” It was trite, but all I could think of to say. I wished she’d just leave.
“Listen, go talk to him, he’s certain to have cooled off by now.”
“I don’t think that would be a very good idea.”
“Honey, take it from the master of begging, you’ve got nothing to lose, and look at what you could win.”
“And what have you won by begging?” I know my words were intended to cut. I wanted them to, perhaps I was just like her, destined to have denied myself what I wanted most. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you, too.”
“I’m a lot tougher than I appear, and despite what Ann may have told you, I’m not certain that I even want Reggie anymore. He’s kind of a habit that I can’t quite break.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re getting your life figured out, because I’m certainly messing up mine.”
“That could change.”
“Heidi, I made a horrible miscalculation. What could I ever say to him to alter what I’ve done?”
“Why don’t you go tell him just what you’ve told me. Let him decide what you can do to make it up to him. It’s certain that ordering you from his house will not repair his ego and self-esteem. The only way he could recoup from your scene is for you to stay.” She was actually making sense. “Although I warn you, you’d best be prepared for fireworks if you do, and you’d better plan on stepping aside and allowing Reggie to win this one.”
I was surprised by her savvy advice. I knew I’d be haunted if I left. Haunted by what might have been, for me, for my desires, for Reggie and me. I loved his anger. For one moment in his well-guarded life, he was out of control. The idea of it excited me even now. When he slapped my face there was more than humiliation, more than anger, a fire surged in me like nothing I’d felt before. I couldn’t let things end without at least giving it one more try. Perhaps this was my creation, too. I’d finally channeled his passion into me. And wasn’t that what I’d fantasized about so many times?
“Cancel the taxi for me, will you?” I asked, “at least for now.” I rose from the bed and moved to the door. Like walking to the gallows. I allowed my body to lead me where my mind was uncertain. No, I wouldn’t leave without giving it one last try.
The door to the library was curiously ajar as if I was expected. I knocked anyway.
“Come in, Alex.” Was he so sure I’d come?
I opened the door and found him sitting at his desk, preoccupied. He’d regained his composure and made me wait as he finished with whatever was consuming his attention. He didn’t motion for me to sit, so I remained standing.
“So what do you want? I ordered you to leave.”
“Before I do, I want to apologize. I made a mistake.”
I had more to say, but he interrupted.
He looked up, his mood steely and cold. “You come into my home and are pampered with fine clothes and food and luxurious surroundings. You agree to simply follow instructions that are designed to enhance the sexual awakening that you desire, and you repay my graciousness to you with ridicule. You mock me in front of a house full of guests, deliberately defy my wishes for proper attire at my table, obviously plot your tardiness, and embarrass me with your cheap behavior toward my guests. You’ve broken a trust that we’d shaped since you came here. You tampered with my orders in such an ungracious manner that I can’t see any way to repair it. I’ve been nothing but forthright with you. And you repay me with deceit and cunning? I can tolerate many things, but your treachery I cannot.”
I listened with surprise, hearing the hurt pour from him along with his words. Hurt that I hadn’t known was in my power to bring to him. I hurt him deeply. He cared about me, but I hadn’t seen how much. All the coldness, all the ruthless drama was his way of showing that.
“Reggie, I’m, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I hurt you.” I fidgeted for a moment trying to think of something to say that would fix this. “I don’t suppose I can expect you’ll allow me to stay, but quite honestly I didn’t realize what effect my behavior would have on you. I had no idea that I had that kind of power. Yes, I was testing you, perhaps even deceitfully so, but I considered it a game. I hadn’t intended it to be cruel. All I’ve wanted is to be desired by you…”
“Oh cut the bullshit, Alex. You knew exactly what you were doing. You enjoyed every moment of that grand theatre you craft so well. And yes, my dear, you did find that I’m vulnerable. I
am
human. You deliberately chose to bury your knife deep in my side and twist it until I hurt.” He looked at me with chilling eyes. “There are two sides to every act, and you enjoyed hurting me.”
“No. No. How can you say that?” I cried. “Something made me behave that way, but it was for love, not to hurt you.”
He rose quickly from his chair, I could feel the rage welling within him.
“Okay,” I began to cry, “you’re right that I loved the drama, the excitement. I loved the anger. I was even excited when you slapped me, and maybe even when you ordered me from your house. But I don’t want to leave. I want to stay.” I was pleading as I spoke in the sincerest voice, wanting him to say anything that would allow me to remain with him.
“You’re a bitch and a slut,” he scowled, as the palm of his hand with the full strength of his strong arm, stung against the side of my face. This time I stumbled back and caught myself on a chair. “Don’t ever attempt to deny that to me. You’ve a side of you as dark and as cruel as my own. You receive my cruelty because you want it. You bring it out in me because you love it in you.” His eyes flashed brilliantly as they had the night he’d ordered Elliot to assault my ass, as they had when he and Gus had led me to the shack in the woods, and as they had tonight when he first slapped my face. At other times, he’d contained that brilliance as if he refused to derive that much pleasure from his work. He stared down at me, his anger again contained. His emotions were in control and he finally returned to his desk.