Authors: Heaven Liegh Eldeen
I turned to face Ra in anticipation of his answer
,
when a
hot
rage boiled up within me. Instead of finding an attentive, conscious man beside me, a comatose Ra slumped over the arm of the couch.
“Are you asleep?” I shouted
as I punched his arm
.
“What? Sorry.
Umm.
What were we talking about?”
Ra said
,
shaking off his catnap.
“That’s it. I’m going home.” Snatching my purse from the floor, I stormed out of the apartment.
“Etta, wait. Please. Etta!” Ra yelled as he gave chase. “Etta. C’mon
,
don’t make me run after you.”
“Make you? Isn’t it obvious? I can’t make you do anything. I can’t even get you to show up when I need you to
,
and when you are here, you’re useless.
I needed you to
be
here in the present
,
Ra, more than anything and what do you do? You fall asleep on the job.
” I yelled
,
not caring who heard us
.
Ra’s face contorted in anger. I had expected to upset Ra tonight when I told him about Annahail, Botis
,
and Uphir
,
but I hadn’t expected this fight.
“Useless?
Useless?
That’s not fair
,
and you know it.
” Ra stormed up on me
, wagging his finger in my face
“
You knew what we were up against when we got back together. You knew my world would be divided between you and my duties. I am trying to do everything in my power to keep you happy. Do you have any idea what I go through trying to be here for you and all your stupid little events and demands? ‘Ra, I need you here to go dress shopping with me. Ra, I wanna go to the movies. Ra, let’s go on a picnic. Oh no, Ra, I have nothing to wear
to
my interview, take me shopping again
’
.”
Ra mocked
.
He had been right with
his side of the argument. In my need to spend time with him I had been demanding
,
but on the flip side he had been just as taxing. I might have apologize
d
for blowing up on him and dropped the whole thing had he not
made the mistake of treating me as if I were
one of his
peon
troops,
shaking his finger in my face
and trying to intimidate me with his
girth
.
“Yeah.
I
made
you do all of that
,
and some help you were. You slept through the movie, the picnic
,
and in the store. You’re nothing but a waste of space in my life.
Good for nothing but worrying about yourself
” I screamed
as I shoved him in his chest.
To prevent me from pushing him again, Ra
snagged
my wrists
“Some help? I busted my butt getting the extra forty bucks so you would have a cute outfit for your interview. As for being a waste of space I could say the same thing about you in
other areas
. With as lively as you are I might as
well
make out with your picture, at least it’d move more.”
Ra flung my arms, giving me a little push back.
“Maybe I’d be a little more receptive if you wouldn’t charge at me
,
trying to inhale my face.
Or
if you paid
a
little more attention to me and didn’t act
as if
you were going to battle, you’d get a little more reaction from me and
so would
your
little thing down there.” I yelled
,
pointing at his groin. “As for the dress, I didn’t ask you to pay for it. I told you I had the money. I only wanted you with me
,
but you can’t even give me that in or out of the bedroom.”
No
t
one to lose I fight, I fired back
,
standing fast
,
I waited for Ra to tear me to shreds.
“We need to stop
,
because I want to strangle you right now.” Ra clenched his fist
s
to his sid
es. It had been easy to tell he had been
using every ounce of restraint
he had to hold back his anger. Seeing I had him up against the ropes
,
though, I
didn’t
stop myself from delivering the final blow.
“Wouldn’t be the first time you’ve killed me
,
but go ahead if
it’s
what you want to do. I warn you
,
though
,
it won’t be as easy as the first time.” The words flew out of my mouth
so easily
.
If I had the ability, I would have ripped out my tongue for betraying me. Ra’s jaw trembled as he tried to fight back the tears my backlash had created. Ra lowered his eyes. Filled with shame for what I said
,
I turned away from Ra as to not see the hurt and pain my heavy words caused. Ra came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me tightly.
“Why does kicking me when I’m down always seem so easy for you? You know
,
Etta, there
are
a ton of things I could throw in your face
,
but I don’t because
I love you
,
and I want us to be happy
…
the way
we used to be
. You say you’ve forgiven me
and love me
,
but I
’m
starting to
believe you have
n’t
. You simply use my mistakes as more ammunition in your arsenal. I love you for it
,
because it’s a part of you
,
but it’s clear to see you don’t feel the same.
I’m sorry I’m not
the man you needed. I hope
some
day
you can find the happiness I
never ga
ve you
.
Good bye, Etta
.
” He whispered in my ear.
The only thought I had
at the moment
was
w
hy
he said goodbye when the gravity of his words hit me.
Ra said goodbye as in
I’m breaking up with you.
“Ra, I’m so sorry
.
I didn’t mean it.” I spun around
ready to fight for him and us. I had to tell him
I simply got caught up in the heat of the moment
,
but
when
I turned around
, the street had been empty. I called out to him hoping he’d return to me, but he didn’t show. Defeated and heartbroken, my knees gave out as I turn
ed
to a hot mess of tears and snot. Cradling my knees, I rocked back and forth, waiting for him to come take the pain away
,
but I had been waiting for nothing.
“You quitter!
Come back here and finish what you started!” as I rose to my feet, I screamed into the air in exasperation
.
“If you two continue to cut each other down how do you expect to build a relationship?” Saraqael walked out of the shadows
,
startling me.
“Saraqael?
I didn’t know you were here. You heard
us
?” I asked
,
wiping the tears from my face in hopes he hadn’t seen me cry.
“I’m the Arch of C
ommunication. You know I hear everything
,
Etta.”
Ra’s words resonated in my ears
“It’s clear to see you don’t feel the same.”
Panic struck me.
“How do I fix this? How do I make it right
,
Saraqael?” I begged
, gripping his collar.
“The first step to asking for forgiveness is to forgive
yourself
. You two hold so much guilt for what you have done to each other over the years. You’re allowing it to eat you both alive.” Saraqael pulled
my hands from his shirt, clutching them tightly
.
“What are you talking about?
Over the years?
Except for tonight, I have nothing to feel guilty about.” I push
ed
away from
Saraqael
.
“
Maybe you should have started tonight’s session with what is really troubling you.”
“
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
” I declared, wiping my no
se on my sleeve
.
“I know you’re holding back
,
Etta. You did during our last session
,
and you’re doing it now. Until you can let the truth out, I’m afraid any relationship you have is doomed.”
During one of our therapy sessions, Saraqael suggested Ra and I should put all our secrets
on the table
about what we had done while separated
.
Ra took the whole two hours running down the list of
everyone
he had
any type of
relationships with, the girls he peeped on, the times he lied to me or stretched the truth
,
and even went as far as to admitting he had been the one who spilled grape Kool-
A
id on my favorite white blouse.
When it came my turn to confess all, I said nothing. In Purgatory, I didn’t have the option of sleeping around
or the luxury of grape Kool-Aid
. When you’re in constant pain, you don’t really have the drive to check out another being’s
package
,
much less have sex with them. For my life on Earth, it had been pretty boring. I’d never had a boyfriend except for Vetis when he pretended to be Ra
,
but we never did anything other than hold hands
and
kiss a few times
but not with tongue
.
“I didn’t hold back. I said what I needed to say.”
“Interesting.
You’ve done nothing but lie to yourself and despite the fact it has gotten you here today, you can’t admit the truth. You should have told Ra why you’re really so demanding of time. You should have told him it’s not easy for you to accept he has had others, and when he’s not by your side, you imagine him with someone else. Maybe then he would have taken his punctuality issues a little more seriously.
”
Yes
,
it bothered me
knowing
Ra had the time of his life while
my soul rotted away in Purgatory and on Earth
,
but I
hadn’t been
jealous. So what if he had constantly been surrounded by beautiful women he’d be physically capable of making love to. It didn’t matte
r he met an ex-girlfriend
in
over half of
all
battle
s
since his return to Heaven.
And who cared that during a few pizza de
liveries some busty, size four
twig
would open her door in a negligée wanting more than just extra olives.
After centuries of separation, I simply wanted to
spend
as much time
with him
as
possible
to rekindle what we had before everything went to Hell in a handbasket, literally.
“Saraqael, I appreciate what you’re doing for us, but I’m done for tonight. I’ll see you
at the wedding tomorrow
?”
“The H
eavens are buzzing about the
nuptials of Gabriel and Amy. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
But seriously
,
Etta, come clean with Ra
,
and you’ll see a world of difference in him.
”
“Yeah.
Let’s just hope Ra doesn’t miss it either.” I said as I walked away.
I hadn’t been much in the mood for sitting at my parents’ house
and needed someone on my side to talk to
which left me with only one place to go.
Unable to get my
brain
to shut off during my
stroll to Amy’s house
, every
thought I ever had about
Ra and I
raced in my mind
. We’
d
survived Heaven and Hell, yet it seemed Earth would be what would tear us apart.