The Arrangement 11 (5 page)

I blink. “Rich boy say what?”

He pats my hand
s and tips his head to the side. “Stop talking like a cartoon character, and listen. I wanted things to be a certain way, at a specific time. You’ll have to wait.” He pulls his hands away and leans back in his chair.

My bottom lip curls out and I’m pouting without meaning to. “I hate waiting.”

Sean just grins in response. He doesn’t produce the ring or mention marriage. There’s no talk like before, at the beach, no nothing. He’s stern and cold again. I don’t hide my disappointment. I can’t. It feels like I’ve been sucker punched one too many times and I can no longer pretend not to care. Sean ordered before we ever sat down. It would have irritated me if he didn’t get the most delicious food I’d ever put in my mouth. Sean is presumptive and it pisses me off, because this thing with the ring and the food, it’s to show how well he knows me and how well he can control me. Yeah, I want things like that sometimes, but not now.

After dinner, I’m leaning pretty far to my right, with my elbow on the table and my hand holding up my head. Think surly teenager. It’s not pretty
but after this morning, I expected more from him. Sean has issues. Every time I feel like we’re on the same page, he does something like this. I’d cry if I weren’t so pissed off.

The waiter brings out our desserts and refills my
champagne glass. For a moment, I wonder if he’s going to propose during dessert like a normal guy, but Sean would never hide the ring in something. He’s too straightforward for that. Since there’s no jewelry in sight, I’m doubting that there’s going to be a proposal tonight.

I poke at my dessert, but don’t really eat it.
Sean notices. “Are you finished?” He’s been watching me from the other side of the table, quieter than usual. Or maybe I’m just steaming too much to be a good date.

“Yes
,” I say, pushing away the plate. The truth is I’m a little crushed and feeling the post-Christmas crash, but I didn’t get any presents. It sucks monkeys. I can’t even pretend anymore. I glance around the room and wonder if anyone else is having a crappy night. The other couples look happy, like they’re celebrating something special. This place cost a small fortune, so it’s a treat to eat here. A bunch of the patrons probably blew a week’s pay on this dinner. Except for my man, Sean. He’s got lots of money and even more emotional PMS. God, he’s worse than I am. Maybe.

“Good, because I have a question for you.” I straighten in my seat a
little bit and try not to let my balloon of hope inflate again. Seriously, that thing has been bent every which way and resembles a deflated knot right about now. Sean puts his fork down and folds his hands together. “Are you attending your graduation ceremony?”

My face scrunches up. “What?”
Weird question.

“They asked me to
give a lecture to the graduating class—to be the guest speaker—and I told them that I’d have to ask you.”

I lean on my elbow again
and pick at the table cloth. “I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Why not?”

“There’s no one to hood me. You know, before you walk across the stage, someone puts the sashie thing over your head and rests it on your shoulders. My mom would have done it. Since she’s not here, I figured…” I look up into his face and see the fragility. Looking back down at the table, I say, “I don’t understand. Why do you want to hood me? You know you don’t actually get to tie me up, right?”

He nods, but doesn’t smile.
Actually, it looks like I kicked him. “I know.”

“Then why?” I watch
Sean as he taps his finger on the table and avoids my gaze.

“
Because you sacrificed everything for that moment. If this isn’t fleeting, if I matter to you—”

Straightening in my seat, I finally say what I’m thinking.
“Sean, why won’t you ask me?” He looks away and doesn’t answer. This isn’t a game anymore. I think he had every intention of asking me when we were upstairs, but something changed. There’s no pressing need to ask me anything. Sean’s sitting there like he always does. I try to stay calm and ask the question even though I already know the answer. “Did you change your mind?”

His blue gaze flicks up and meets mine. “No.”

Liar. “Just tell me the truth. Don’t hide behind that placid expression and let yourself feel for a second.”

“Let myself feel? Do you seriously think that’s the problem?”

“Not in its entirety, but I think a general lack of empathy is part of the problem.” That was a cheap shot, but it infuriates me when he acts so stoic. He can act that way with everyone else, but not with me.

Sean mashes his mouth shut and looks back and forth before leaning forward and blasting me.
“Do you know what they’re going to say about you if you become Mrs. Sean Ferro? Do you seriously think that I haven’t thought about it? About how you’d take it when those insults are hurled at you? Avery, I’ve heard so many hateful things, day after day. I wish I could tell you that I don’t care, that they roll off like rain, but they don’t. You haven’t had to endure that kind of punishment and you’ve done nothing to warrant it, but marrying me will be enough. People will talk, they’ll be unkind toward you, and it will be my fault. If you carry my name, you carry my burdens.” He pats his napkin to his lips and looks like he just opened a checking account. There’s no emotion in those blue eyes, they’re vacant of grief and pain.

The hollow spot inside my chest constricts
as I look away. He isn’t going to ask me. That little altercation in the elevator made him change his mind. Sean doesn’t think I can handle it. I’m not going to cry. Screw that. The center of my chest aches so badly that I speak without thinking. “So what, you don’t trust me with those burdens?”

“No, I want to save you from them. Unkind words are the nicest things that hap
pen to me, Avery.” Sean acts like he wants to say more, but he doesn’t. He just sits there in his chair like it’s a goddamn throne and watches me.

Maybe I could have accepted this a few weeks ago, but not now
. If I get up and walk away, it’ll be the end of it. Sean won’t follow me. I smile at him as every hope dissolves inside my chest. I haven’t the words to tell him what he’s done to me, exactly what level of hell he just tossed me into.

So I say nothing.
I simply stand, toss my napkin on the table, and walk away. I should have known better than to think Sean Ferro would actually ask me to share his life.

That man took my heart and shredded it. I’ve walked away and there’s no going back. I don’t expect him to follow me or say a damn thing. He’s weird like that. He usually lets me wander off, swearing under my breath, and then shows up after I calm down. But not this time. Sean’s arm juts between the elevator doors as they close. “Avery, wait.”

The hollow feeling inside my chest is
overflowing with pain and dripping into my shoes. I can’t look at him and pretend it doesn’t hurt. I’m a moron. I keep thinking the best of people. I never learn. I don’t say anything. I don’t look up.

He steps inside and we’re alone. The elevator starts to move upward toward our floor when Sean steps in front of the panel and pulls the STOP. We lurch to a
halt and my heart tries to tear out of my chest. Panic makes my eyes dart around the dark little room as my palms slam backward into the wall, grasping at the rail like it can save me. I hate small spaces, and being trapped in an elevator is as bad as being nailed into a coffin. Sean knows that.

He finds me in the dim emergency lighting
and slips his hands around my waist and tugs me to him. I try to pull away, but he won’t let me. Sean’s grip on me tightens and he pins me to the wall. “Never walk away from me again. You can be angry, but you can’t be indifferent.”

“You are!”

“I am not,” he’s close to growling. I can tell that I’m poking every button he has, but I’m tired of his games. Every time we get closer, he turns and runs. It’s driving me crazy, and since I’m already certifiable, I’m not handling it gracefully.

“You are so! You don’t care about me. I’m just another trinket to you—something to own and play with. I don’t matter to you!”

“Avery, I’d give my life for you. Why can’t you understand that I can’t have what I want either? I want you to be my wife. I want what you want. Do you hear me? I want to marry you. I want you in every conceivable means, but I can’t be so callous. It’ll destroy you, my love, and I can’t do that.” His hands are in my hair and I can feel his hard body against mine.

I can
barely speak, my throat is so tight. This tiny box is suffocating me to the point that I’m thinking about clawing at the walls. But his words cut through the fear and I hear his concern, even if I still don’t understand. “You didn’t have to stop the elevator.”

“I
’m sorry. I knew you wouldn’t listen otherwise. Avery, I want a life for us—one with the little house and the picket fence—but that’s not what’s in store for me. I am the Ferro they fear most and they have every right to act that way. My hands aren’t clean, Avery. I’m not above reproach, and I have too many enemies. Things will never be so simple. God, and if you took my name, if they knew about you…” His voice trails off and he sighs deeply, burying his face in the curve between my neck and shoulder. Hot breath spills across my skin, raising goose bumps.

My entire body is strung tight, but his lips
where they are make my stomach twist and tingle. Maybe it’s fear that makes me think of his mouth on me, doing sinful things, but the thought of wrapping my legs around his hips blazes through my mind. The moment is charged with tension and vulnerability, at least it is for me. I press my lips together several times, before I can manage the words. “Ask me. Give me the chance to choose my life.”

As the words pour from my lips, I reach for him and splay my hands on his chest, under the lapel of his jacket. My heart is beating so hard, so fast. I think about his mouth on mine and hot kisses, but worry is holding me back.

“I can’t do that to you.” Sean tenses when I touch him, but he doesn’t push me away. Instead he holds me tighter, dipping his hands lower, past my waist.

“Do you have any id
ea what it does to me when you stop this thing? Every thought in my head is telling me that I’m going to die if we don’t move, but I’m shoving past it because I know I’m safe with you, Sean.” My hands are splayed on his chest and I can feel the rapid beating of his heart. Sean’s passion runs deep, and his worries are real. I can’t deny that, but we can’t stay like this forever. “I know the world is unkind. I know what it means to be alone, and I’m not leaving here without you realizing that. A life without you is so much worse than anything someone might do to me.”

Reaching around his waist, I pull at his shirt, freeing it from his waistband. Sean tenses, his spine straightening, as I
move my hands up under the hem of his shirt and trail my fingers over his hard stomach. He’s facing me. It’s the way I dream of being with him, of touching him, but Sean doesn’t typically allow it. In this moment, the world is dumped on its head. If I can tolerate being trapped in a warm box with no light or air, then he can bear my touch, and he does.

Sean is quiet for a moment and I can feel the tension in his taut muscles. He’s so still, except for the slow, deliberate breaths that fill his lungs. People breathe like that when they’re afraid. I know because I’m doing the same thing.

“It’s not a question of
if
, but
when
.” His voice shudders as I trail my palms across his body, tracing the lines of his torso. His skin is so hot. If I wasn’t wearing a dress, if I could press my naked body to his, I’d die. For a second I understand his sexual draw to fear and how it mingles with lust, because it’s there and incredibly difficult to ignore.

Sean’s voice is a whisper.
“I can’t knowingly do something that will hurt you. I can’t let them—” He shivers and presses his hips to mine, showing me exactly how he feels. When he pulls away, I’m breathless. “Avery, you know what you do to me, and how I feel about you. If you weren’t wearing panties, I’d have that dress hiked up and take you right here and now.”

Leaning in close
, my lips brush against his ear as I whisper, “Then, I’m afraid I’ll have to hold you to your word, right after you ask me something I really want to hear.”

Sean makes a noise at the back of his throat before dipping his hands lower, cupping my butt and feeling for verification of my statement. His words come out in a raspy breath. “This isn’t fair. You know my weakness—that
it’s a fantasy to have you like this, here.”

I’m playing with fire, tempting fate, and being utterly reckless. Sean’s concerns are valid, but I can’t help feeling like I should have some say in what happens to us.
“You should let me decide whether or not I can handle sharing your life.”

He’s torn, I can hear it in his heavy breaths. Sean could pull away and start the elevator, but I know how turned on he is, how much he wants me. I didn’t do it on purpose and he’s the one who stopped the thing, but I have to push him. He can’t act like he’s protecting me when his actions are killing me inside.

Sean
slams his hands on the wall behind my head and pulls away. “We can’t! You can barely handle your own life. Damn it, Avery. I can hardly hold it together anymore, and you’re the living proof that I’ve lost my fucking mind. I can’t have the life you want. It’s not mine to offer you. I’m sorry.”

“Sean—”
I grasp at him, not wanting him to pull further away from me, but he does. A rush of cold air fills the space where he stood.

“Tell me. Tell me,
if you know. If you can see how to get there from here, to that place where you and I could have what my brother, Pete, has. If you can see the path, I’ll ask you. If you can tell me how we crawl out of this hell, I’ll do it. I’d do anything for you, be anything for you, but I can’t figure it out.” He’s back in front of me, so close, but he doesn’t reach for me.

“Sean, you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes it takes two people to fix things. And sometimes, you have to trust blindly and jump.” Panic is rising up my throat and it feels like there’s a massive pile of bricks
on my chest, but I manage to hold back the scream, and the tears.

C
laustrophobia wasn’t much of an issue until my parents died, and then it got worse. I hate elevators and tiny spaces. They freak me out, and while I might be standing with a pleasant expression on my face, I’m really praying to God that we don’t get stuck. Now that I am stuck, it takes every ounce of sanity within me to control the fear, but it doesn’t want to be tamed. It’s snarling and animalistic, ready to claw out of here. Still, I push it down and keep the terror in check. I don’t let my emotions overtake me.

Instead, I reach for
Sean, pulling at his belt until he crushes me into the wall with his body. I hold him to me, feeling the smooth skin on his back and those hot muscles, before reaching for his pants. Sean’s voice is gone. He’s all hot breath and powerful hands. He realizes what I’m doing and can’t hold back. As I free him from his slacks, he hikes up the hem of my dress pushing it up past my hips.

Sean’s lips come crashing down on mine, hot and perfect. His kiss is wild, demanding and devouring. As his lips slip to my neck, he dips his hand between my legs, pressing between my thighs. My body is in emotional overload. The faster I
breathe, the hotter it gets. The warmer I am, the more afraid I become. The room shrinks with each gasp, but I want him. It’s a strange sensation, caught between lust and fear, and I can’t control myself. Tears streak my face, but there’s a smile on my lips. I’m insane. That’s got to be what’s wrong with me, because I almost like this. It’s intense, and all consuming.

Sean lifts me and p
resses my back against the wall. His strong hands grip my upper thighs as I wrap my legs around his hips. Sweat drips down my temples as Sean slowly pushes into me and my head slams back into the wall. There’s no air, no light. My mind tells me I’m dying, but my body is climbing higher and higher, tingling with that insatiable feeling that’s delicious torture. Sean’s thrusts start out slow and rhythmic. He doesn’t speak and I wonder if I’m going to pass out. It’s so hot and the air is so still. My mind is screaming like there’s a pillow obstructing my face, but the delicious pulsing between my legs keeps me sane. Sean slams into me harder and faster, rocking us higher and higher. I hear myself sob and don’t know why. I don’t understand the tears or the terror that’s coursing through me, but when I feel him between my legs, when Sean loses it and shoves into me that final time before he stills, I feel perfect, and my body responds and shatters. My nails bite into his skin as I cry out and feel the release.

The high from this is different, and I don’t know what to think. I can’t think. My body doesn’t know what I’m doing, or how it should react. I’m not sad, even though I shudder in his arms and tears streak my
cheeks. My heart is pounding at the aftershocks and I can barely breathe, but it’s hard to tell if it’s from fear or euphoria.

I stay there like that, pressed to the wall
with him still inside of me. Sean’s hands grip my thighs and his thumbs rub little circles on my skin. Neither of us says anything for a moment. I don’t want to move, but I can’t hold my legs around him any longer. They start shaking, so Sean pulls out and puts me down. My knees nearly buckle and my entire body is trembling, but I manage to pull the hem of my dress back down.

I hear Sean moving, redressing himself, before the lights come back on.
They flicker, making me blink several times. As soon as his eyes adjust, he turns to look at me. Sean is pristine in his suit without a wrinkle on him. Meanwhile, I look and feel like a total mess. I’m covered in sweat and can barely stand.

For a moment we just watch each other. Then Sean finally says, “I can’t believe you did that for me.”

I lean back against the wall, and clutch the bar so I don’t fall over. I don’t trust myself to speak. Sean smiles at me and nods, before turning to the control panel again. I’m afraid he’s going to stop it and I can’t manage to be in here for another second. As it is, I’m going to need therapy after this, so I lunge for him. “No, please. I can’t.”

But Sean’s already done what he wanted. He pressed every button for every floor and then turns to me
, smiling wide. “I needed more time, because I have something I need to tell you.” Sean tucks his chin and steps over to me, with his hands in his pockets. It’s such a boyish gesture, and so was pressing all the buttons, that I have no idea what he wants to do. The doors open and fresh air hits my face, calming me.

An irritated hotel employee is standing there with a crowd of people behind him. He’s saying something, but Sean ignores him. I take a deep breath before the doors slip shut
again.

“Avery, I’m selfish. I’ve always been that way and what you just did was so completely…” he sucks in air and shakes his head. “There are no words. You give everything you hav
e. You don’t hold back, and by God, if I could be like you for even a moment, if I could have your strength, your courage, your conviction—I can’t even fathom it.” The elevator is stopping floor by floor as he speaks. Sean doesn’t pause. He doesn’t look at the people waiting outside in the hallway, people who don’t want to get onto the broken elevator with the monologuing man.

The doors
close and the pattern repeats until a little old lady gets on with us. She looks at me and then Sean, and smiles at his words. She’s wearing a pink paisley dress, with a matching pink satin bowling jacket that says RONKONKOMA SEXY DEVILS across the back, with an evening bag under her arm.

She reaches into it and hands me a tissue. “I think he’s going to ask you something, dear.” The old woman smiles, like this is the highlight of her night.

I take the tissue and dab my eyes. “Thank you, but you’re mistaken.” I don’t look at either of them and try to keep my gaze on the floor.

That’s when Sean drops to one knee and holds up a ring to me. “She’s not mistaken, and neither were you. I should have asked you. I should have said it sooner, and I wish I could say it better. Avery
Stanz, will you marry me? Will you be my wife and share my life? Will you let me love you in sickness and in health? Will you let me stand beside you for the rest of my life? Because, if you say yes, I will love you with all my heart. I won’t withhold myself from you, like I’ve done for so long. I will protect you and give you everything I have. Will you share my bed, my soul, and my life?”

The doors ding open on another floor and the people smile at the sight. Me with a shocked face, the old lady is grinning and close to clapping, and Sean on his knee holding up a ring. As the doors slip shut, they groan since they won’t hear my answer.

It’s then that I realize I’m taking too long. My heart is pounding and I’m lost in limbo, caught between reality and dreamland. But I’m awake, and Sean’s looking up at me, blinking those bright blue eyes, completely and totally vulnerable.

I find my voice. “You jumped.” I sound shocked.

He nods. “I’d do anything for you, Avery. I’ll be anything you want, anything you need, no matter what you say, but I hope you say yes.” He smiles hard and those dimples flash and disappear.

“Yes. Yes, to all those things.”
My lips quiver and I start sobbing as I hold out my hand. It’s shaking so much that Sean has to take it in his to slide the ring on my finger. When the cold metal touches my hot skin a shiver races over me, and I gasp.

When Sean stands, he takes me in his arms and holds me. The old woman claps and rides the elevator up to our floor with us, chattering excitedly, and wishing us well.

For a second, a bitter thought crosses my mind. “You’d wish those things for us even if he were Sean Ferro?” Sean tenses in my arms. It’s reckless, because in this moment his guard is down, and so is mine. If the old woman reacts the way the woman did earlier, I’ll cry. I don’t know why I said it. Something within me urged me to ask, so I did.

The
elderly lady smiles, and touches my arm. “I’d wish every happiness on the two of you, especially if he were Sean Ferro. That man has had more pain in his life than one person could reasonably tolerate, and he’s bore it with grace. Everyone deserves a little ray of happiness after so much rain.”