The Arrow: A Highland Guard Novel (The Highland Guard) (46 page)

He’d been terrified that he would lose her. Hell, he was still terrified. That was part of what made him so angry. She seemed to have no sense of the torment going on inside him. She looked almost bored.
Bored
, when he was hanging by his last damned thread.

Her eyes when they looked up at him were perfectly blank. “Is there something you wished to say?”

Her very nonchalance pushed him over the edge. He stormed over to the bed, looking down on her. He wanted to pull her into his arms, but conscious of her injury, he kept his hands at his sides. “Damn right I have something to say. I think there are a few things we need to clear up,
Catherine
.”

She flushed, apparently not completely unashamed of her lie. “Such as?”

He leaned down so their eyes were level. The scent of lavender that filled his nose was so heart-stoppingly familiar, he almost lost the battle not to take her into his arms. But the cold indifference of her gaze stopped him. “Such as what name you want on the marriage contract. Because despite what you have just told your father, we
will be married, whether you like it or not.” He dragged his gaze down her body. “Need I remind you why.”

He sounded like an arse, and he knew it. But she was provoking him by
not
provoking him. By sitting there as if she didn’t care. As if she didn’t want to be in his arms as badly as he wanted her there.

All she did was quirk a brow. Quirk … a … damned … brow!

“As you of all people should know, that is not necessarily a precursor to marriage.”

God’s blood, the woman knew how to infuriate him. “Damn it, Cate, will you not even apologize for not telling me the truth about your father?”

“Do you mean like you not telling me the name of the man who killed my mother and tried to kill me?”

He winced. Fair enough. They’d both kept secrets. “I was trying to protect you.”

“You didn’t trust me,” she said calmly—too calmly. “Believe me, I understand. You proved that quite effectively.”

He knew what she meant, and also realized why she was so angry. Hell, he supposed it was deserved. “I’m sorry for not believing you about what happened that morning with John.” He explained how Pip had confessed everything—leaving out how how he’d tried to kill him. “I should have trusted you. I should have known you wouldn’t try to trick me. I did know it, but I was just too proud to listen.”

He paused, waiting for some kind of response. He’d just apologized; shouldn’t she say something? Shouldn’t she be glad that he knew she was innocent of any subterfuge?

Through the confusion of emotions swirling around inside him, he felt a prickle of unease. Somewhat nervously, he continued. “This thing with Bruce is awkward. I wish you’d told me, although I suppose I can understand why you didn’t—given what you thought about why he’d left. I’d like to think it would have made a difference had I known, but
it probably wouldn’t have. God knows, I wanted you too badly. I still want you so badly. Once he gets over his initial anger, I do not think he will object. There is no reason we cannot be wed as soon as a priest can be found. Helen said you were not with child, but—”

“How dare you!” He flinched back a little from the venom she shot toward him. “Whether I am with child is none of your business. Nor did you have a right to discuss it with your former …”

Her mouth tightened, not saying the word. But he knew what she was thinking. He stiffened. “Helen is my friend, nothing more. She saved my life a few years back. She is with child, and it made me fear that you might be as well. Do not be upset with her. I was … not in a good state.”

She held his gaze as if trying to decide whether to believe him. “It makes no difference. It would not induce me to marry you.
Nothing
could induce me to marry you. I would rather my child be called a bastard than have you for a father.”

Gregor drew back. He’d expected anger from her about what had happened. He’d behaved ignobly and should have trusted her. But this level of animosity was completely unexpected.

Was she in more pain from the wound than he realized? His anger fled. He sat on the foot of the bed and tried to take her hand. “God, I’m sorry, Cate. You have to know I didn’t mean to shoot you. You were supposed to move away, damn it. I never meant to cause you pain.”

She laughed. He had no idea what could have provoked the seemingly illogical reaction until she spoke. “Didn’t you? The arrow in my back might not have been intentional, but why did you go to the alehouse if you did not wish to hurt me? Did you not think proving to me how little you cared for me would cause me pain? I loved you, Gregor,
loved
you with all my heart. Worse, I believed in
you. And how did you reward that belief? You took the first woman who you could find to your bed.”

“I didn’t take any woman to my bed.”

“Don’t!” she said. “Don’t lie to me. I
saw
you.”

“How could you have seen me when it didn’t happen?”

“I followed you to the alehouse. I saw you take Maggie upstairs. I saw you in the room together.”

Gregor felt all the blood in his body drain to the floor, landing with a hard thud. Horror, shame, and panic descended on him in a maddening rush. Christ, what had she seen? Too much, if the look on her face was any indication.

He’d planned on telling her what happened, but he never dreamed she could have seen it. How was he going to make her understand? “Nothing happened, Cate. I swear to you. I didn’t take her to my bed.”

“No, what you were doing didn’t seem to require a bed.” The words seemed to break her. The next came out in a sob. “I saw her take you in her mouth, Gregor. I saw everything.”

Shite
. Gregor felt ill just thinking about what that must have been like for her. What must she think? What he’d done was inexcusable.

He knew just how badly he’d erred, and he fought with everything he had to hold on to her. To not let her slip away. But he felt like he was trying to grasp a cloud that was floating away from him.

“I tried to do it, Cate, but I couldn’t. It was wrong—God, I know it was wrong, but I swear to you it only lasted a few moments before I pushed her away. I became ill, and passed out. When I woke up, I realized what a horrible mistake I’d made and planned to tell you everything. I knew then that I loved you and didn’t want any other woman but you. You were right, sweetheart.”

She wiped the tears away from her eyes angrily. “And when did you have this great epiphany? Before or after you let her get on her knees before you? Am I to be relieved
that you stopped? Should I give you a reward for not finishing what you started? Is it any less of a betrayal for not reaching completion? What if you’d found me in another man’s arms? What if he kissed me and touched me intimately? Would it matter to you that I did not find pleasure?”

His eyes flared. “I’d kill any man for touching you.”

“Even if I wanted him to?” she taunted. “Even if I needed to prove my feelings for you?”

“That’s ridiculous. You love me, that isn’t how—”

He stopped.

“Exactly,” she said softly. “That isn’t how you prove anything, most of all love.” She held his gaze. “I’m done fighting for something that isn’t there. Maybe your father was right. Maybe there
is
nothing more than a pretty facade. You’ve spent all this time becoming an amazing warrior, building muscle until you look like a rock, but inside, where it counts, you are weak.”

He flinched, the words hitting hard, striking old scars that hadn’t healed as much as he’d thought.
Weak
. He felt like a midge crushed under her heel. Small and utterly destroyed. Worse, he had only himself to blame. Of all the mistakes he’d made when he was younger—and he’d made a hell of a lot of them—he’d never done something so destructive. He’d never held something precious in his grasp and then tossed it away.

God, what had he done? He’d reverted to a man he didn’t want to be. She’d believed in him and he’d let her down. He’d let himself down.

He had no right, but he asked anyway. “Forgive me, Cate. What I did was wrong. I will spend the rest of our lives proving to you how wrong and how much I love you, if you will let me.”

She held his gaze. For one long heartbeat, he thought she might give him another chance.

But he’d hurt her too much. She looked away, silence her only response.

Refusing to accept the truth that was staring at him, Gregor tried the only thing he could think to do. But when he put his lips on hers, hoping to reawaken their love—to prove that what they had couldn’t be denied—all he felt was the poignant ache of loss.

As his lips touched hers, he felt the warmth, tasted the familiar sweetness and hint of mint, but the most important thing was missing: her response. She didn’t want to kiss him. She didn’t want him at all.

This wasn’t a faerie tale. A kiss didn’t heal wounds or make everything all right.

He feared nothing he could do would ever make it right. But damn it, he was going to try.

Twenty-six
 

As soon as Helen declared Cate well enough to travel, the two women and a small retinue of her father’s men removed to Dunstaffnage Castle in Lorn on the west coast of Scotland. A good portion of the king’s army—including her father himself—had gone south to Galloway to join in the battle against the MacDowells. What remained of the king’s men had been left behind in Perth to help in the slighting of the castle, continuing with the king’s policy of destroying Scotland’s fortresses so they could not be used against him.

In addition to Cate and Helen, there were about forty men on the
birlinn
that sailed from the River Tay to the Firth of Tay, out to the North Sea and around the northern coast of Sutherland, and into the Atlantic. The captain was none other than Erik MacSorley (whose war name of Hawk became clear when she saw his ship), who along with his terrifying kinsman Lachlan MacRuairi, the fierce warrior Tor MacLeod (whom she remembered from her rescue), Arthur Campbell, and—much to her constant irritation—Gregor, comprised the Phantom portion of her escort.

The royal castle of Dunstaffnage was kept by Arthur Campbell and his wife, Anna, but with most of Scotland’s major strongholds still in the possession of the English—including the castles of Edinburgh, Stirling, Berwick, and Roxburgh—it served as the temporary seat of the king’s
court. As such, it was a beehive of constant activity, buzzing with courtiers and other important nobles.

For the first time in her life, Cate found herself feted, and openly acknowledged as the king’s daughter. Along with the endless parade of nobles through the gates, there were feasts, fine gowns “fit for a princess,” and even a jeweled circlet for her twenty-first saint’s day.

It was as if her father was trying to make up for the fifteen years they’d lost together in a few weeks. She suspected she was also serving as a substitute for the family that was still being held in captivity. She wasn’t the king’s only natural child, however, and she was looking forward to meeting a couple of her five half-siblings in the ensuing weeks.

She did have a family, as it turned out, although her heart still pinched at the thought of those whom she’d lost. She had not forgotten her vow to ensure that the children were well cared for. It was the only thing she’d asked of her father, and he’d promised to look into it. As soon as it could be arranged, she would be reunited with Pip, Eddie, and Maddy.

Although Cate enjoyed all the attention, it was a bit overwhelming and at times even a little intimidating. She was worried about doing or saying the wrong thing. Despite her recent foray into “acting like a lady” to attract Gregor, Cate wasn’t used to all the rules, expectations, and accoutrements of the nobility. For that, Lady Anna had been an enormous help.

Still, three weeks after arriving at Dunstaffnage, Cate found herself missing the freedom of her life at Roro and chafing at the bit to resume her training. Her back was still a little sore when she lifted her arm, but she feared that if she sat around pretending to sew for any longer, her fighting skills were going to be completely atrophied. But despite her father’s obvious pride in what she’d done to save his life, she wasn’t sure how the king would react to his
daughter taking to the practice yard. Moreover, she suspected who would insist on overseeing.

Gregor had not tried to approach her or speak with her privately since that day in her chamber at Perth, but he was an ever-present source of watchfulness hovering around her like an unwelcome, forbidding dark cloud. The other Phantoms traveled with her father to Galloway, but Gregor hadn’t gone with them. What she didn’t know was whether it was his choice or her father’s.

Either way, she didn’t like it. When she found herself enjoying the company of a dinner companion, one of the dozens of young knights and lords of the royal castle—she suspected her father’s involvement in this—a servant would appear or the music would stop unexpectedly, and she would catch him glowering at her with one of those dark, dangerous stares he was getting so good at.

She had to admit that maybe once or twice (or maybe more than once or twice), she’d egged him on a little with her flirting. Thinking of all the times she’d been forced to watch him do the same, it was rather fun to be on the other side.