The Art and Craft of Approaching Your Head of Department to Submit a Request for a Raise (6 page)

to cut its wage base by 40% while increasing its profits by the same amount that would perhaps count in your favour but i seem to remember we have proven scientifically that you cannot have any ideas of the sort because either you have T60 ideas that are of no interest to anybody or else you think you have an idea but either your line manager could not give a damn or does give a damn but finds it too stupid or does give a damn and does not find it too stupid but doesn’t have the time to think about it your idea i mean or does give a damn does not find it too stupid does have the time to think about it but can’t make head or tail of it or else does give a damn does find it brilliant finds the time to take it on board and understands it from head to tail your idea that is but forgets meanwhile that you had come to see him about a raise so it is far better not to have an idea the part you played in a major project carried out by your firm with great brilliance could give significant support to your request for pecuniary enhancement you will be asked frankly answer in like manner if you have recently been involved in a successful project say yes if you have not been involved in a major project say no if you have recently been involved in a major cock-up say nothing about it and if you were involved long long ago in a very minor project which though not exactly a disaster could not be counted a real success say nothing about that either obviously it could be the case that your company has pulled off a number of major coups but that those were the ones in which you were not involved or worse still that it inexplicably bungled all the projects in which you played a major or minor part do not draw hasty conclusions and in any case to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple – we will not take such eventualities into account but let us suppose for this is indeed the most likely situation that you have not been involved in a recent major successful project which can be accounted for by the fact that your firm hasn’t carried off a major coup for nearly four years now not for lack of wanting but its attempts to establish a shipyard in chartres a rail link from dunkirk to tamanrasset or to build a medical centre in the paris region all turned out to be unviable so you answer that you have not recently been involved in a major successful project do not add there is no point that you did all you could your line manager knows that and that is the very reason he holds you in such esteem moreover do not think all is lost all is not yet lost if you keep on good terms with your engineer that could stand in your favour and so your line manager solely in order to help you will ask if you are on good terms with your engineer answer as honestly as you can if you are on good terms with your engineer say yes if you are not on good terms with your engineer say er let us suppose that you are not on good terms with your engineer such things do happen you have nothing against him personally but he gets on your nerves and what’s more he spends his time getting at you for not being at your desk or for getting in late he keeps on asking where you’ve been after all it’s not your fault if mr x is never at his desk when you go to see him after having weighed the pros and cons and girded up your loins to ask for a raise of course it is not necessary to inform mr x of all the bones you have to pick with your engineer because mr x for strictly professional reasons discipline being the solid foundation of all firms be they in the national nationalised or private sector could take your engineer’s side so restrain yourself from uttering more than er or perhaps um sigh if you have to hold down your tears pull out a few of your hairs strike your breast but above all do not attempt to tell a real whopper that would not be any use because mr x will in any case take advisement from said engineer and that will be worse tell yourself that even engineers do not live for ever that he may yield to the temptations of the brain drain that he may choke on a fish bone or get food poisoning from an egg that is off or succumb to complications arising from late-onset measles you do not even have to give fate a helping hand or if you do get it done without any witnesses around leave no clues and cook up a cast-iron alibi so we shall suppose to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple – either that fate has been extremely kind to you or that you did not get caught in short here you are with a new engineer get on with him for instance by pretending to get on with the job or why not by actually doing the job for a few weeks you’ll see it can be quite interesting anyway it’s no bad thing for you to give up the habit of going to see mr x every five minutes at least for a while mr x is beginning to get a bad impression when after a few weeks or a few months the air has been cleared you are getting on with your new engineer like a house on fire the criminal investigation department has given up on the case charges against mr x have been dismissed the company got a major government subsidy that saved it from going broke you turn up once again to see mr x he’s not in no matter you pace up and down in the corridor while you wait then since he seems to be a long time coming you go to see if you can have a schmooze with ms wye but ms wye is not in her office and it doesn’t seem she’s in a good mood either so you circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the organisation which has given you everything and if you bump into your engineer grace him with your most gracious smile but don’t forget that next time you should be equipped with some file or other to justify your being in the vicinity of a department you have nothing to do with in theory nor does your engineer by the way but pointing that out to him won’t get you very far some days later go back to see mr x he is still not in you wait in the corridor then you go to see ms wye but ms wye though appearing to be in the very best of moods is not in her office and so you gear yourself up to circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the huge organisation in whose bosom you are bored stiff for forty-five hours a week when you see mr x appear at the end of the corridor so five minutes after you go and knock on his door but naturally he doesn’t even answer and you return downcast but not really disheartened for it takes more than that to knock you down to your desk you do not try your luck anew the next day because the morrow is thursday and if mr x were to put you off to the day after the morrow that morrow would be a friday and mr x might scratch himself on a fish bone or get indigestion from none-too-fresh-laid eggs and in the situation that is now yours with two years and three months still to go before retirement it has become dangerous to take unnecessary risks you wait until the following tuesday which proves to be a happy day since you find ms wye at her desk at your first attempt and delighted to have a chitchat on the other hand you don’t see a sign of mr x and as your conversation peters out after three hours and fifteen minutes ms wye having lost all her good humour throws you out and asks you not to come back tomorrow wednesday you quite pointlessly circumperambulate forty-five times in a row the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the vast organisation where you eat your heart out the next day thursday you avoid meeting mr x altogether but in the ardent wish to stack all the odds in your favour you produce a weighty tome of paperwork for your engineer who deigns to say thank you the following day friday you clumsily knock the contents to wit a seafood salad and a portion of baked alaska off your cafeteria tray thereby soiling the freshly-pressed suit of your line manager mr x out of caution you allow two weeks to pass before making any new attempt then you go to see mr x but mr x is not in so you wait for him in the corridor then as ms wye seems to be still in a foul mood you circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of one of france’s most powerful concerns then you go to see mr x he is in he raises his eyes when you knock he tells you to come in and even asks you to be seated despite having lots of little red spots on his face but as you’ve been taught that you must only ask your line manager if one of his daughters has measles if he fails to offer you a seat you do not ask him about his health or the health of his loved ones you try to relax and to lay out your problem well let’s see says mr x is this a T60 issue no you say does this involve another project no you say is this about a raise yeeees you blurt now let’s see your line manager then says have you recently been involved in a major successful company project not really you say ah ah says mr x are you on good terms with your engineer yeees you blurt in triumph well and good says mr x and what can we do for you you see it’s all gone swimmingly no major incident has inflected the straight path of your two hundred and fifty-fifth bid could it be at long last that after so many years devoted persistently to this sole project you are at long last nearing your goal i really don’t think so myself but that’s not a reason for you to disbelieve in clear and intelligible speech smiling through your tears restraining the emotions that well up from your heart you explain that you earn 691 francs a month and would like to er um earn er perhaps not 6, 910 or even 6, 190 or even 1, 960 or even 1, 690 but er 961 or 900 well 850 er 800 ok 791 take it or leave it all right i’ll come down to er 700 fine says your line manager do not make the naive mistake of thinking that your line manager will answer with a yes or with a no rest assured you will not get the raise you want i mean you will not get it in the here and now just like that on the nail you will not leave the office of mr x richer by 9 francs a month you have to grasp that in a company such as the one you work for one of the largest major companies in france a raise raises very complex issues not only with respect to accountancy but with respect to all aspects of the socio-economic policies for the short medium and long term of said company moreover it is obvious that mr x does not have the power to give you a raise just like that by clicking his fingers the most he could do is write a letter of support to the head of human resources who after consulting the appropriate authorities could propose as a part of an overall recalibration of the wages component of the company’s outgoings a recalibration intimated moreover in the fifth national economic plan to put forward your name to an upcoming meeting or one of the subsequent meetings of the board of directors to sum up mr x though unable to meet your request on the spot can either give you to understand that your initiative not only does not surprise him but makes him wonder why you have taken so long to come up with it because he has always gone shted to have a chitchat on the other hand you don’t see a sign of mr x and as your conversation peters out after three hours and fifteen minutes ms wye having lost all her good humour throws you out and asks you not to come back tomorrow wednesday you quite pointlessly circumperambulate forty-five times in a row the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the vast organisation where you eat your heart out the next day thursday you avoid meeting mr x altogether but in the ardent wish to stack all the odds in your favour you produce a weighty tome of paperwork for your engineer who deigns to say thank you the following day friday you clumsily knock the contents to wit a seafood salad and a portion of baked alaska off your cafeteria tray thereby soiling the freshly-pressed suit of your line manager mr x out of caution you allow two weeks to pass before making any new attempt then you go to see mr x but mr x is not in so you wait for him in the corridor then as ms wye seems to be still in a foul mood you circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of one of france’s most powerful concerns then you go to see mr x he is in he raises his eyes when you knock he tells you to come in and even asks you to be seated despite having lots of little red spots on his face but as you’ve been taught that you must only ask your line manager if one of his daughters has measles if he fails to offer you a seat you do not ask him about his health or the health of his loved ones you try to relax and to lay out your problem well let’s see says mr x is this a T60 issue no you say does this involve another project no you say is this about a raise yeeees you blurt now let’s see your line manager then says have you recently been involved in a major