The Art of Keeping Faith (37 page)

My brain goes into free fall: Ben’s here, right next to me. Ben is here and I have been sick in front of him. Ben’s just bloody here.

Ben’s here and I am pregnant and not told him yet.

Tell him now. Tell him now.

I don’t though. I slowly scoot myself closer to him, completely aware that I smell hideous, and wrap my arms around him as tight as I can.

My brave front of the last few weeks completely crumples and I practically climb into his lap, breathing in the smell of him, and tracing the feel of him with my fingers which slide over his back, shoulders and finally face.

“I’m sorry, I’ve not been in contact that much, Lilah. Things have been completely crazy, but if I had known how sick you were I would have come straight home.” His voice is low and his arms tighten around me like a protective shell.

I look up at him sharply. Has he guessed?

“Ben, it’s just a bug.” I lie for no reason at all, other than the simple fact that I want to be able to hold him as long as possible before I change us forever with the words that I need to say.

“Well I am here now, so you will have to tell Richard you no longer need his nurse maid skills.” He laughs but I can’t tell if he is being serious.

“I am sure he will be relieved. Nobody wants to see someone throw up that much.”

“Lay down, Lilah and I will go and make you some sweet tea.”

Oh, God, no.

It’s too late the word tea makes me start to gag again uncontrollably.

“Shit, what the fuck is going on?” Ben asks completely flabbergasted. He hands me the bin with one hand, starting to rub my back with the other.

I clutch the bin tight toward me and motion to a scrap of paper on the side.

Eyebrows knitted together Ben reaches for it, briefly removing his hand from rubbing circles on my back.

This time I am not sick, which is a good thing. The bad thing is that I make hideous noises trying to bring it under control.

“‘Lilah’s Words not to Say,’” he reads out as I flop back onto the mattress.

I give a small nod.

The blues scan down the list and the frown between his eyebrows deepens even more.

“No drinks made with a bag then?” he asks. I confirm with another nod. “No drinks made with caffeine or alcohol?” he adds scanning further.

I nod again and then start to giggle a little.

“I am so sorry, Ben. I guess that was not the welcome home you were expecting.”

He gives a wry smile and I glance my eyes over his face, reading the changes there. He is thinner again and the hair is shorter than it has ever been before. It is still standing on end, but just at a shorter length.

He reaches a hand out and traces his fingertips along the edge of my cheek.

“I have to admit I did nearly go completely bananas when you called his name first thing in the morning.”

I grimace a little in response.

“Good thing you distracted me by throwing up all over the floor. Speaking of which I had better go and get a mop.”

“No! You can’t clear up my sick!” I start to try and sit up again but soon fall back onto my pillows.

“Rubbish, Lilah. I’m just very sorry that I’ve not been around to help you. I feel like a complete arsehole. I know you told me in your message that you were not very well, but I had no idea you were this ill.”

I give a little shrug.

It’s me that feels like an arsehole for knowing about our baby for two weeks and not telling him. Even more so for not telling him now, even though he is right here in front of me.

As he starts to get up again I grab his arm and pull him back to me.

“What are you doing here anyway, Ben? I was not expecting you home for a few weeks?”

He gives me a smirk and the blues do the twinkle and crinkle.

“Well, Lilah, I know you are a bit under the weather,” A bit! “But in case you haven’t noticed it is a religious holiday, and those my love.” He ducks down and pecks a kiss on my lips. “I always spend with you.”

I grin for what feels like the first time in ages.

“Right I’m going to go and run you a bath and see what food I can scrounge out of your student cupboards. I’m starving, it was a long journey home.”

He gives my fingers a squeeze but I don’t let go.

The word home has made tears burn in my eyes.

“It’s okay, Lilah. I am home now and I don’t plan to leave for a while, that’s a promise.”

That’s what does it.

A promise.

I start to cry, pulling him toward me as I bury my face into his neck as hot fast tears slide down my cheeks.

Ben’s hand soothes my hair, “Shh, it’s okay, Lilah. It’s going to be okay.”

Right then that very moment I truly believe that it will be.

19th April

Easter Saturday

“Have you told him?”

Meredith has come into the room and is stage whispering at me.

Ben is outside having a smoke. It seems the smell of cigarettes also makes me puke, a fact we found out yesterday when he tried to have one out of the window in the bedroom. That was after the courteous telephone conversation I had to listen to him have with Richard when Rich called to check to see how I was. Ben told him something along the lines of ‘Thanks for helping but I’m home now, so back the fuck off.’

“Shh!” I wave my hand at her, “And no,” I add meekly.

“What? Lilah, for goodness’ sake, I could understand not telling him over the phone whilst you waited for the right time to speak to him, but.”

Oh, my God, how loud is this girl!

“Shh, Meredith, bloody hell.”

“Sorry,” she stage whispers again. I give up. I truly do. “But he is here now and it’s not going to take a genius to work out that you are not suffering from a bug caused by some mysterious Asian fly that has started making people sick in the UK although you are the only one showing the symptoms.”

I stick my tongue out.

The faculty believed me. I don’t see why Ben wouldn’t.

“I’m going to tell him, I just wanted to spend one more day with him before I changed everything for us forever.”

“Lilah, he is going to be ecstatic when he finds out.”

“I don’t think he will, I think he is going to freak out and then he is going to do something drastic to try and not let me down. And I don’t want to be the one that makes him do something like that.”

I know this. He is so determined not to be his father that he will not hesitate to drop his career even though he may hate me forever for it.

“Lilah.” Meredith places her hand over mine. “He is not his dad. Whatever this thing is you have in your head, you have to let it go and have faith in him and you.”

“Have faith in whom?” Ben asks as he comes back into the room smelling of smoke. I wrinkle my nose but don’t say anything.

“Oh, some movie we had to watch for Uni that Meredith has been obsessed about.”

I glare at her.

“Yeah, what film is that?” he asks. He settles next to me back on the bed stretching his long legs out alongside me and sliding his arm around my back.

“Hamburger Hill,” I tell him glaring at Meredith some more so she will bugger off. She just glares right back at me. I ignore her and settle my head on Ben’s chest.

“Great movie, I could watch that today if you fancy it?” he says.

Mm. People blowing other people up?

No, not really. Not right now.

“Yeah, we could, I guess.”

“Or we could watch Gladiator?” he chuckles.

“Not even funny, Chambers. Not even funny.”

Meredith thinks it is. She laughs all the way out of my room.

“What were you guys glaring at each other for?” Ben asks after she has shut the door.

“Oh nothing, you know what she is like, so dramatic about everything.”

He chuckles and pulls me in closer. “One of you, dramatic? Never!”

I snuggle against his soft t-shirt and breathe in the fabric softener and smoke smell of him. I still can’t believe he is here.

“I still can’t believe you are here.”

I can feel him smile against my hair.

“It’s been a long couple of months, Lilah. I’m just sorry it has been so long. I wanted to get back in March but the space never opened up.”

“Nah, that’s okay.” I assure him.

I was a bitch in March.

“I was starting to get worried. You used to contact me every day but now it seems we can go the best part of a week without talking,” he tells me, lips still against my hair.

I think about this for a moment.

“It’s not a bad thing, Ben, we are both just busy. Uni is crazy. Work is completely mental, a fact Baz is never going to forgive me for. And what with me having this bug for the last few weeks, it has all been a bit of a nightmare.” I want to add that I have been trying to talk to him for two weeks with some pretty important news but could not get through, but I bite it back down. I want to cuddle him for just a moment longer.

“I guess.”

“I still miss you, though.”

It feels strange that it is me trying to convince him.

“How much?”

I can hear a mischievous note in his voice, which is closely followed by his hand sliding up my t-shirt.

I giggle, I can’t help it. Maybe I want to do a little more than cuddle.

He rolls onto his side and the blues glint at me.

“You haven’t been sick for a while. I think I may have induced a spontaneous recovery in you.”

He is right, I am feeling much better but that could be because I have not moved an inch as he has been waiting on me hand and foot.

“I do feel a little better,” I agree as his fingers trail along my stomach.

“How much better?” His voice is low against my ear.

“Much better.”

I’m going to tell him, tomorrow.

Tomorrow will definitely be the day.

Today I am going to enjoy not being sick incessantly. I am going to enjoy having my boyfriend here, which, let’s be honest, does not happen often enough. And, I am going to enjoy any moment of normality that we can get, because despite what Meredith says, I know that from tomorrow on, Ben and I will never be the same again.

20th April

Easter Sunday

I am still feeling suspiciously fine.

Ben is the miracle cure to morning sickness, Sorry, I mean All Day Sickness.

I would lend him out to other women in need but I wouldn’t want him to do the things he did to me yesterday to anyone else.

Call me selfish.

I’m feeling considerably upbeat and strangely in need of bacon. Crispy bacon.

Ben isn’t awake so I edge out from under the duvet and slide on my tracksuit pants and t-shirt before padding down to the kitchen on a bacon-find reccy.

As I walk down the corridor everything seems strangely alien like I am walking out of a dark cave into daylight after years lost in blackness.

“Holy fuck, who the hell are you?”

I give a scream as Tristan scares the life out of me. “What the hell, Tristan! What on earth are you doing in here?”

“Having my morning coffee. What are you doing in here?”

Watching me with an amused look on his face, he waits for me to find out if I am going to be sick.

Strangely I am not.

That’s weird.

Coffee is my go to for instant upchuck.

Tristan looks almost as impressed as I feel. “Wow, that’s a huge improvement, although I have to say nowhere near as amusing to watch.”

“Oh stop being such an arse. Have we got any food?”

Tristan raises his eyebrow even higher. One of these days he is going to lose it in his hairline. “Food as well? Blimey, you’re on a roll.”

I ignore him and walk to the fridge. There is everything (which makes me realise Ben must have been shopping during one of my snoozes) apart from bacon.

“I’m going to the petrol garage.” I announce.

“Be careful, you may burst into flames outside.”

I flip a finger at him before sneaking back into the bedroom and giving Ben a kiss on the lips.

”I’m going to the shops,” I whisper in his ear. He sits bolt upright one hand automatically snaking around my waist.

“What time is it?” he asks in Ben sleep talk. Oh how I love Ben sleep talk.

“Early, I fancy something to eat, I will be back soon. Any requests?”

“Bacon,” he mumbles before flopping back down on the bed.

And that is why I love him.

Shuffling into my flip flops I head down the street to the local garage. I am keeping my fingers crossed they are still open, there is a strong chance they may have gone into administration what with my lack of Cheerios purchasing over the last few weeks.

Nope still open; this is good. I am feeling strongly that if I don’t get some crispy bacon soon I may cry or stab someone.

It’s just the hormones, Lilah. Calm the fuck down.

I take a deep breath and walk through the door receiving a cheery wave from my friends behind the counter.

Ah, bacon. Thank goodness for that.

I clear the bacon section of the fridge and walk toward the till.

Ooh, Minstrels
. I fancy some of those too.

Heading back along the road to the flat, swinging my massive bag of bacon by my side, I feel the most upbeat I have done for, well, since I found out about the little bean residing in my womb.