The Art of Unpacking Your Life (29 page)

‘Look, you don't need to be sure, darling. Try out the idea on me.'

‘I was wondering whether I might set up a black rhino foundation,' she hurried on. ‘Of course, I'm in London with four children, but they have long holidays. I don't know anything about it, but I can learn. It is one of the most extraordinary places on this planet. And I should continue my grandfather's work. Though I might be reading too much into it…'

He kissed her gently. ‘No you're not. It's a great idea. I can see you running an animal foundation.'

‘Really?' She looked at him critically.

‘Really.'

‘Luke, you're brilliant at business. Could you help me set it up? I know you're busy with your company, and Ella and Finn, of course. I mean, not full-time or anything. Just to get me started.'

He smiled. ‘Definitely.'

‘Thank you, Luke.' She kissed him and, as she pulled away her blue eyes, focused on his. He decided that she probably did love him. Whether it was enough to surmount her loyalty to Julian and the children, he wasn't at all sure.

‘About us, Luke.'

‘It's complicated,' he quickly acknowledged.

‘Yes, it is. If we didn't have children…'

He stroked her hair, ‘But we do.'

She was silent, watching him.

‘Connie, we don't need to know where we are going, but what we feel right now. It is enough for me.'

He could see in her eyes that she didn't believe him. She knew him too well. She squeezed his hands. They sat there for a few minutes.

She moved suddenly to delve into her bag and bring out a clear tube.

‘What is that?'

‘Pure vitamin E oil. I use it when I burn,' she paused, ‘It's amazing at healing scars.'

Luke couldn't speak. She took off her canvas shoes, slipped off her trousers and carefully climbed over him and into the bed. She lifted off the duvet and turned him gently on to his stomach. He didn't stop her. He felt the extreme coolness of the gel as
she applied it to his back. He felt it soaking into his burns and the scars from his stitches, making him aware of how dry and itchy they usually felt. She got him to move to face her. Lying on his left side, she squeezed the gel gently along the front of his hips. She ran her fingers along the stitches to help the liquid soak in. He watched her, amazed at himself. He was no longer wary of her touching him. She stretched over him to put the tube down on the table. She lay down on her side, close to him. She was smiling. He watched her watching him, until she fell asleep.

Torches cast vermillion shadows on the rugs unfurled over the bronze sand. The dark side tables were mesmerising in candlelight. Sofas and throws had been transported here to create an intimate sitting room, but no one sat down. Mile upon mile upon mile of dunes radiated around them to a horizon that was limitless in its reach and possibility. The group was trapped by the weeping beauty of such an openness. They wanted to absorb it and for it to absorb them.

Luke placed his weight on to a director's chair. The cream canvas bowed down to compensate for his weakness. He painfully stood up and struggled towards the bar. He glanced at the square dining table glistening with the full tableware they had at the lodge. Imagining the human toil involved in transporting this entire dinner party here on to the dunes made his chest tighten again. He slumped back on to his chair.

He was happy, though shattered. Lying in a cool bath earlier in the evening, he had unpacked his thoughts. Julian was banished to the basement, though he might well climb back out into the house. For now, they were separated. Their divorce was incidental to Luke, if Connie was emotionally and physically free from Julian.

Connie slipped into the khaki director's chair beside him. He had carefully avoided her, knowing the group would instantly realise what had happened. He didn't mind whether they knew or not, though he sensed Connie would.

‘It's unbelievably beautiful, isn't it?' she said softly resting the palm of her hand flat on top of his. Her warmth seeped into his skin.

He took her hand and placed it on his leg. ‘I love it here, Connie.'

‘So do I.'

They smiled at each other. He was buoyed up by her public show of affection.

‘Are you feeling better?'

Connie was the only woman who had truly cared about him.

‘I'm fine.' He didn't want to talk about feeling ill. It was banal and irrelevant in the circumstances. All he wanted to do was enjoy being with her. He leaned over to wrap his arm around her. It hurt to do so. He winced. ‘How are you feeling now?'

‘Surprisingly good.'

He leaned his head close to hers. He felt a stray hair touch the side of his face. He moved it carefully back behind her ear. She gave him that dreamy smile.

She shifted back and down the chair and looked out at the view. ‘How could you and I not be okay out here?' Connie turned towards him.

‘Exactly. What the hell.'

‘What the hell!' she grinned.

He grinned back, but grimaced as his chest clenched. ‘You and I should make that our motto.'

‘A motto for my forties.' She quietly turned to him. ‘Can you believe that I'm going to be forty tomorrow? You will be in June.'

He nodded. ‘I feel old and young.'

She turned to him. ‘Yes, that's it. We should be old enough to know what we are doing. Only we are still beginners.' She sighed. ‘Though I'm happy being forty.'

Luke thought about it. ‘Yes, so am I.'

Connie rested her head under his neck. Her chest gently pressed against him. Her weight hurt. He almost asked her to move.

‘I've known you for twenty-two years. Isn't that incredible?' She sighed. ‘Such a long time.' She looked up at him. ‘I could never become as close to someone new.' She kissed him. Her smile, her lips, her fine neck, those bare collar bones were moving against him. Finally, they parted. Luke knew what he wanted to say.

‘Connie, I fell in love with you at the first Freshers' Week dinner. And I never stopped loving you. Why I didn't tell you, I'll never truly know. But I love you even more now.'

‘I loved you, Luke,' She smiled gently. He loved her smile. ‘And I still love you.'

Connie kissed him again on the lips. It was always Connie. She stood up in front of his chair. He would have stood up too, only he was feeling too weak. She gave him that mysterious smile, which he now could interpret.

Dan had spent years considering nature and plants. Landscapes. Yet he had never fully appreciated one until now. The quiet majesty of these dunes filled him with joy. He was happy and free of the nagging sense of melancholy that had been haunting him. It made him feel warm and loving towards Alan. Dan had had his doubts, but they had a wonderfully loving and stable relationship. Sara joined Lizzie and Connie, leaving the two of them alone. Dan put an arm round Alan and drew him close. ‘It's amazing here, isn't it? Can you believe this place? The whole trip has been incredible.'

‘Yeah, if you enjoy dicing with death in the desert.' There was no mistaking Alan's tetchy tone.

Dan didn't want to spoil this rare moment, but he sympathised. ‘It was terrifying this morning, wasn't it? I think that Gus knew what he was doing.'

‘Like hell he did. He looked as shit-scared as I was.'

Dan nodded, his mouth tightening. He wanted to divert Alan away from yet another post-mortem on this morning and draw him towards the horizon, their future, wherever it was.

Alan was having none of it. ‘Connie's a good friend, and I do buy that, but it's been a waste of a shed load of money and annual leave to boot, if you ask me.'

Alan was speaking in a stage whisper that made his complaints obvious to the girls a few metres away.

Dan didn't reply. He turned back to stare at the sky. It was a painting in a profusion of fuchsia, flamboyantly touched with blue and purple. He wanted to absorb it, draw its beauty into his being. He wished he had brought his sketchpad. He had thought there would be nothing to capture at sunset. How mad. He turned to share his feelings with Alan. ‘I'd love to paint this sky on a large canvas for our sitting room.'

‘Yeah.' Alan eyed the sky sceptically.

The girls were bending down, flashing infrared torches and giggling loudly about the scorpion hunt they were going to have later. Dan closed his eyes and opened them again. It made the colours burst brighter.

‘Dan, look…' Alan sighed.

‘I understand, Alan. Don't worry. It wasn't a great day, I can see that.'

‘It's not the blinking day or holiday, though it has made me realise. Seeing you with your complicated friends…' Alan's left hand was flapping. ‘I am sorry, but I don't want my life to change. I like it exactly the same. No upheaval, no drama except on a box set. A couple of nights' clubbing, a couple at the gym and a couple of takeaways from Poppadum, that's me.'

‘While I've been feeling unsettled. I wondered whether I wanted to buy that land and create “roots”. It's probably a bit of a mid-life crisis.'

Alan frowned, as if even referring to middle age put him out of sorts.

‘It wasn't you, Alan, that was the problem, it was me. In my head. We are similar.' He touched his hand. ‘A box set and a Moroccan vegetarian curry,' Dan forced a smile. ‘That's me too, isn't it?'

Alan didn't smile back.

Dan pushed on. ‘We are close; we are right. It wasn't you. It was my dissatisfaction with myself.'

‘I'll never lose a spot in my heart for you, Dan. You are great, Dan my man.'

He stared at Alan. He no longer looked like the sullen teenager he had been for the last year.

‘I'm sorry, Dan. I want out, that's the long and short of it.'

Dan felt a desperate lurch, which he quickly identified as fear. He didn't want Alan to leave, for the worst reason. He didn't want the instability. He had been prepared to live on with him indefinitely, even though they didn't want the same future or life. He wanted to buy that land in Tuscany. He wanted to move on and create something lasting, somewhere he was proud to belong. Why hadn't he been brave
enough to follow his instincts? Alan hated confrontation more than he did. Yet he was prepared to go it alone. Unlike Dan. He had to be pushed. He was a coward. He needed his friends, or madly even Alan, to make him brave.

‘Sure, Alan. I do understand. It's the right decision.' He took a deep breath in. ‘Very brave, Alan.'

It was the truth.

The shadows darkened into silhouettes. The group gathered round the square dining table. The meat had been grilled on a long barbecue, a discreet distance from the table. The smiling staff had put in dark earthenware beside the pap and pumpkin. Connie was sitting squashed between Matt and Katherine at one corner of the table. She was replaying her kiss with Luke. Their reignited love could survive when they were back in their daily lives. Practically, she didn't know how it would work. But she was sure she was meant to be back with Luke. It was the synchronicity of her life. Somehow the hurt she felt about Julian and Sally would ease into the status quo. One got used to anything in the end.

‘Gus, what's it to be tomorrow? I'm not sure that you can top walking into black rhino.'

‘Well, if the wind's right, you have your balloon ride, eh?'

‘Hey! I had completely forgotten about it,' Katherine looked thrilled.

Maybe life did work out for the best, however unclear it was at the time.

‘In the meantime, safari party people, we have scorpions,' Sara paused. ‘Now I am sorry to disappoint you, but they don't charge. Though I promise they bite.'

Director's chairs bumped back over the sand. Gus and Sara led the others back towards their ‘sitting room' and beyond to the raw thorny slope. Alan and Lizzie went first, immediately followed by Katherine and Dan. Connie gave Luke a quick glance, hoping to catch his eye. He was asleep. He clearly wasn't well. She wondered whether she should ask someone to take him back to Gae, but then she would rather go back with him later. She didn't have the energy to crouch low looking for a scorpion and she relished a moment with Matt alone.

‘What a mad day, Mattie,' she smiled.

‘Scary to the sublime.' Matt tried to shift, only he was constrained by the narrow director's chair. ‘After a night when Luke nearly finished me off.'

They both smiled and contemplated Luke. He looked peaceful.

‘He hasn't changed,' she said with an easy smile. She floated on a lake of possibility.

‘No. He hasn't. Nor have you two together. I saw you earlier.'

Connie blushed. ‘Matt, I can explain.'

He leaned against her. ‘Don't worry, I think that I was the only one who did.'

She smiled. ‘Maybe that's the problem. I'm not bothered.'

Matt raised an eyebrow at her. ‘Sara's always spot on. She told me something was going on between you.'

Connie smiled.

He touched her arm gently. ‘Not surprising, Connie, in the circumstances, for both of you.'

She looked over at Luke. ‘You know, Luke had a horrendous time with Emma. Believe me.'

Matt nodded vigorously. ‘Yeah, I've worked that out, though he doesn't want to tell me exactly what happened.'

‘It's too awful and too personal for him to share.'

‘Except with you.'

Connie registered the point. ‘I don't have the answers, Mattie. Strangely, I'm all right about it.' She paused and looked at him. ‘Do you disapprove?'

‘Me? No, Connie. God knows you both deserve to be happy.'

Connie smiled.

‘Are you going to divorce Julian?'

She sighed. ‘He's going to move to the basement. I'm taking it one step at a time.' She touched his shoulder in appreciation. ‘I have no desire to destroy my family in the process.'