The Awakening (23 page)

“I’m going to resign,” she told Andrew a few days after the wedding plans were cemented.

He looked at her across the dinner table. “Are you sure? I thought you wanted to work until you had the baby and then give it all away.”

She smiled tightly at him. “I just feel, well, as my life is going to become so much your life and we have so much to do in the next few weeks that I’d be better employed doing all of that instead of sitting at a desk pretending I know what I’m doing.”

Andrew filled their wine glasses and looked intently at Carmen. “Only do this if you want to. Don’t resign to please me. Don’t give up work before you want to.”

“Oh, Andrew,” she sighed. “I just find being there so oppressive. I feel as if Victor is breathing down my neck –”

“Has he said anything?” Andrew’s eyes flashed.

Carmen shook her head. “No, no, nothing at all. I just find the competing pressures of getting the wedding moving and Aurora at the same time is just too much for my headspace.”

Andrew smiled. “All right, honey. But only if you want.”

“Besides,” Carmen added, “I do need energy for baby making.”

Andrew laughed loudly startling the dogs on the balcony. “Of course you do. Are we “baby making” tonight then?”

“I hope so,” Carmen winked. She planned to make love with Andrew every single day until they were married and then some. She knew the best way to stay strong, to keep her love was to have as much brilliant sex as possible. Only then was she sure of him. Only then was she sure of herself.

Veronica looked at Carmen suspiciously as she laid the envelope on her desk.

“This is for Victor,” Carmen tried a small smile. She knew she was being a coward. She should walk into that office and confront him, make him explain himself. But she didn’t want him to. She wanted him out of her life. She was too angry to speak to him in a calm and rational manner. She was too angry to listen to him, to forgive him. And she didn’t think she wanted to. She felt as she had earlier when she’d been so overwhelmed and confused by her feelings of fear and love that she just wanted to be as far away from him as possible. How could he not tell her who her mother was? How could he keep that crucial piece of information from her? When Will told her she knew it to be true. She felt the truth of the statement in her heart, in that place Victor kept telling her to look. But Victor should have told her. If he was her future he should reveal her past. How could she trust him ever again? No, it was not possible. She had no choice: she had to be as far away from him as possible as soon as possible. She had chosen Andrew. It was that simple and Victor had made her do it.

“You can’t do this,” Veronica said, handing the letter back to Carmen.

“You don’t know what’s in the letter.”

Veronica smiled. “Of course I do, Carmen.”

Carmen looked into Veronica’s eyes. “Of course. I should have known.”

“Yes,” she nodded. “You should have. Now sit down for a minute and listen to me.”

Carmen sat on the edge of the desk and looked above Veronica’s head to the sky outside – blue and peaceful and she had an overwhelming urge to be there, away from all this chrome and steel and buzzing electricity.

“You are making a mistake. You can’t reject Victor for a small error in judgement. You must step away from Andrew and see him for who he really is. You do not know him.”

“Veronica, I really like you, you’ve been so helpful to me these last months and I understand your devotion to Victor but you don’t know anything about this.”

Veronica sat back in her chair and stretched out. Carmen saw the largeness of her feet and her hands and noticed for the first time the length of her nose. Veronica too seemed much younger and brighter since their first meeting. “I know much more than you realise. I know you are too close to see, to understand. You are not as good as you think you are. Yet.”

Carmen stood up. “No, no. I’m not going to have this conversation, Veronica. You are too blinded by your own love for Victor. You don’t know Andrew. You don’t know how Victor has betrayed me.”

Veronica leant forward. “He has not betrayed you. Look into your heart. See what really lies there.”

“It’s too late. I’ve made my decision. I’m not going with Victor. The planet can take care of itself.”

“You must talk to him yourself. You must tell him, Carmen. You will never be free if you don’t speak to Victor.”

Carmen leant across the desk, her eyes flashing, with evaporating patience. Who did Veronica think she was speaking like this? “You can talk to Victor. You can give him this. I am no longer part of this house of cards. I never wanted it anyway. Tell him I’d getting married in July and we’re starting a family straight away. Tell him that from me.”

“You must tell him, Carmen. You know you must. Let him feel your anger, understand your pain. Surely he has the right to know that much at least?” Veronica’s voice was soft and compelling, it seemed to hum through the air between them. “Tell him you hate him before you leave us. Tell him how you have been taken in by the Adams men, how Andrew has you under his spell again and you believe them not him. How you are not the Warrior Goddess and you will not save us all. It will destroy him and the rest of us. But at least he will know from your lips. You owe him that.”

Carmen threw the envelope down on the desk. “I owe him nothing. Do what you please. I’ll see out my two weeks but you would do best to keep that insane, deceptive lunatic away from me.” Carmen strode from the office more upset and angry than she could remember ever feeling. How dare Veronica lecture her? How dare she?

Carmen had thought resigning would ease her mind. She thought passionate sex would calm her body. She thought running with the dogs would sooth her spirit. But Alaska and Zanzibar were still not enamoured of Andrew or the loft. She felt their displeasure but ignored it. They were just dogs after all. She threw herself into wedding preparations and work, ensuring she left things in a clean and tidy manner, easy for the next person to pick up and really make something of. She should never have let Andrew persuade her to take this job. She was never qualified for it; never up to the challenge and it led her to Victor: the man responsible for the trouble and pain in her life. It wasn’t Andrew. Everything had been fine until she’d met Victor. She kept reminding herself of this tiny but significant fact as she methodically worked out her notice, avoiding Victor, having lunch and coffee with Andrew every day.

And then, in that last week at Great Blizzard Victor send Andrew off on a range of errands so he was out of the building for her last days. She half expected him to be sent to Brazil or Tasmania again. But that would have been too obvious. No, instead he was in the car with one of the MD’s visiting bookshops and suppliers in the greater New York area. She was being isolated at work, but she couldn’t say anything. She just had to be tough, get through to Friday and she would be safe with Andrew forever, too far away from the insidious clutches of Victor Lucius Bernhardt.

There was only one way to cope. She needed to swim. Every day Carmen went to the pool in hope of some solace, some way to keep her strong and away from Victor. She knew the water would protect her and sooth her as nothing else in her life ever could. She knew Victor would know where she was but she didn’t expect to see him. Veronica had clearly passed on the letter and the message and Victor was keeping away from her. Still a sudden appearance would not have surprised Carmen.

Others were using the pool more regularly now and while she preferred to be alone, at least their presence would keep Victor at bay. Once she was motoring through the water no one would dare to disturb her. She dived in – a perfect racing start, but she didn’t know what else to do. She was pleased that she felt almost instantaneously better as soon as she hit the water. She felt her body lengthening out and relaxing. Her breathing settled into its old rhythm and she felt the strength in her body and it made her smile. She kicked hard and lifted her speed easily. The poor person on the other side of the pool was soon left in Carmen’s wake.

Every day it was the same. Other swimmers came and went. Carmen ploughed on up and down the pool. She had no sense of time passing. But she was feeling calmer and that was all that mattered. Some days she did wonder why she’d stopped competing. Perhaps marathon swimming was the answer? In the water, in a blue haze of physical activity with her mind free and her body strong she was at her perfect best. She could, couldn’t she? She didn’t need to work. She could just swim. On and on forever.

She felt Victor’s presence long before she looked to the side of the pool. She knew he would wait for her no matter how long she stayed in the water. She’d seen him at the edge of the water earlier in the week and knew that today he would wait for her. There was nowhere else she could run to. Just as she could remain silent forever, Victor had the gift of patience. She knew he was smiling at her as she ploughed up and down, maintaining an almost racing speed. She wondered how far she had gone. Finally, she knew she could no longer avoid Victor.

She stepped from the water a great deal calmer than when she had entered it, but still she felt the anger welling in her. This man standing before her with the towel in his hands had brought her more anguish and suffering than anyone else in her life and here he was as if nothing had happened. “I hate you.”

He looked at her with love. “No, you don’t. You just think you do.”

“No,” Carmen shook her head and flashed her eyes. “I do hate you. You have betrayed me.”

“You know there’s a line of thought that says love and hate are the two sides of the one coin and you cannot hate someone you do not love.” Victor smiled at her. “Look inside, little bear. You love me still.”

“You’re not listening, Victor. But I knew you wouldn’t.” She shivered. “Are you giving me the towel or not?”

“Let me dry you off.”

“I don’t want you touching me. I’m getting married remember, to someone else.”

“A rub down from me is hardly an act of unfaithfulness. Besides if you are so sure of your love for Andrew how can it hurt?”

“I don’t trust you any more. I don’t want to be anywhere near you any more. You lied to me.” Her teeth were starting to chatter and still Victor held the towel to his chest.

He smiled in that way that she had loved. “What can it hurt?”

She knew she shouldn’t. She knew she had to stay angry, in control through her anger, not let Victor inveigle his way back into her heart and mind. He shouldn’t stand so close. But she loved Andrew. She did. And she was getting very cold. She let Victor towel her down. She thought of Andrew, remembered how she felt when Will told her about Ursula. She reminded herself how hurt she was, how much she hated Victor, hated him. This was just a person drying her off, as Todd used to do – no feelings, no sensations, just a rub down. But it was useless. She felt herself slipping back into that place she was trying so hard to deny. She couldn’t help it she did like the feel of Victor’s hands on her body. “You shouldn’t do that you know,” she said, finally pulling away from him.

“I guess not, but you like me touching you.” He sensed the change in her: the softening towards him was under way. He had to be careful now, more cunning and astute than ever. She could still too easily fall away from him. She was by no means ready to fall into his arms and go with him. But she had to. Everything, absolutely everything depended on the next few minutes. He looked at her, so strong, so tall, so vulnerable and so important. She was her mother’s child, it was plain as day. How had he missed her for so long? Never mind, now he must convince her to come back.

“You are leaving us?”

Carmen nodded. “I thought it was all for the best. I can’t work for you any more Victor. I appreciate your support and help but publishing’s not for me.”

“I see,” he nodded and seemed to accept her prepared statement.

“We’ve set the date. And Andrew wants to start a family straight away.” Carmen couldn’t look at him.

“Oh,” Victor said. “And you?”

“That’s what I want too.” She looked at the water for some time. “I told you I had to be sure. Now I am. And I don’t want to be near you again.”

“That seems harsh.”

“No, I don’t think so.” She pulled the towel tight around her and paced down the pool side for a moment. She was considering how to tell him, how to make him feel her pain. She walked back towards him. Victor sensed her hesitation, knew this was his moment.

“I didn’t lie to you, Carmen.” His voice was like honey, soft and sweet and tempting.

“No?” she looked at him with such pain that he just wanted to sweep her up in his arms and banish her anguish forever. If only life were that easy.

Victor took her hands in his, stroked her trembling hands with his long fingers. “Will simply told you first. You never asked me the question.”

“Did I need to? I thought you would tell me such a thing. Don’t you know how much that means to me? Don’t you know me at all?” She pulled away from him.

“I can’t say what you want, Carmen. I can’t find the words to make you feel better. But know this: I have not lied to you. I have not betrayed you. But you think I have. You believe a man you don’t really like or trust. But because he told you something precious you think he’s your saviour. You think I am the enemy. You are prepared to deny all that you feel based on one piece of information. What does that tell you Carmen?”