Authors: L. J. Sellers
“Can you tell me your maiden name at least?” Elizabeth asked gently, after a long time. “Perhaps we can trace your family medical history for you.”
Another long silence.
“There’s no point in asking about my family. Jenna’s adopted.”
Elizabeth was stunned. She hadn’t prepared herself for the possibility. It was her turn to be silent.
“Are you there?”
“Yes, sorry. This is surprising. Jenna never mentioned it during any of her interviews, nor in any of the paperwork she filled out.” Elizabeth’s mind whirled. How could McClure—it hurt too much to think of her as Jenna—not tell the clinic she was adopted? More important, what did it mean for the child Elizabeth planned to have with her sister’s oocytes?
“Jenna doesn’t know.”
Elizabeth’s mouth fell open in disbelief. “You never told your daughter she was adopted?” The shock and grief she’d felt at discovering her own adoption surfaced with intensity. Her heart went out to McClure. “She’s thirty-two years old and planning a family. How could you not tell her?”
“I know I should have, but the older she got, the harder it seemed. Then it was too late. If I told her now, she’d never forgive me.”
Elizabeth’s guilt about lying to the woman vanished completely. “You have to tell her.”
“What difference does it make?” Mrs. McClure was defensive now.
“Knowing who you really are is the most important thing in the world.” Elizabeth fought to control the emotion in her voice. “For a woman who wants to have her own child, it’s even more significant. As a geneticist and a reproductive consultant, I guarantee you, biological heritage is everything!”
After a long silence, Patricia McClure said softly, “I love my daughter, you know.”
“I’m sure you do,” Elizabeth said without really believing it. “That’s why you have to help her by telling me about her family.”
“I can’t. I don’t know who her parents are.” The woman sounded distraught. Elizabeth didn’t know if it was because she wanted to help and couldn’t, or if she was frightened that her daughter would discover her deception.
“Tell me where the adoption took place and the name of the lawyer who handled it for you.”
“Promise me you won’t tell Jenna. Let me tell her myself.”
“Fine. Where was she adopted?”
“In Astoria. Daniel Potter handled it for me, but the adoption agency was in Portland. You don’t really think they’re going to tell you anything?”
“It’s worth a try. Thanks for your help.” Elizabeth hung up. She felt emotionally drained. Her sister’s childhood had been painful too, she could tell. The woman who raised her was a selfish coward. Now that Elizabeth knew where to look, their biological mother should be easy to find. Maybe Daniel Potter would have all the answers, and she wouldn’t have to bother the adoption agency at all. Either way, if she presented herself as Jenna McClure, they would have to tell her what she wanted to know. And some day, when this was over, she would find a way to let Jenna know who her real mother was. She deserved that, at least.
Chapter 13
Wednesday, Nov. 1, 10:17 a.m.
Sarah couldn’t decide if she should ignore Jessie’s tantrum, or send her to the time-out corner. By the time she decided that at age five Jessie should know better, the little girl had calmed down and moved on to another toy. Sarah let it go. She handed the doll back to Lindsey and gave her a quick hug. The three-year-old smiled, put down the doll, and toddled off in search of something new.
Sarah wished her life could be that simple again, but she was sixteen now and everything had changed. Reverend Carmichael had come to her the day before and told her it was time for her first physical. Sarah had been unable to think about anything else since. Her mother had explained, in rather embarrassing detail, what the exam would be like, making Sarah even more nervous. Excited too, she had to admit. Reverend Carmichael was going to touch her body. He would look inside her private place. Her stomach tingled in anticipation. It was as close as she would ever get to having sex if she stayed in the compound.
That was the real dilemma. Should she stay or should she go? It had been on her mind for months now. Ever since Darcie had come to the church and filled her head with thoughts of boys and sex and movies and shopping malls. Darcie was gone, but the images stayed. Especially the ones about sex. Sarah prayed for God to take her desires away, but she suspected he didn’t want to make things too easy for her.
“Sarah? It’s snack time. I could use some help.” Marilynn spoke softly, but the reproach was there.
“Sorry.” She jumped up and hurried over to the long, low picnic table. The kids had heard Marilynn say “snack time” and began to converge, many of them with hands out. She and Marilynn cut slices of homemade bread and passed them out to the twenty or so toddlers in the daycare room in the largest bunker house. Their mothers were all busy with their own chores elsewhere in the compound. Canning tomatoes and quilting blankets were both enjoyable, but Sarah liked working in the daycare best of all, especially with the babies.
The most exciting thing about turning sixteen was that she could have a baby of her own now. Sarah had wanted her own baby since she was eleven and her little sister Delilah was born. The first time those tiny little fingers curled around her thumb, Sarah was hooked. Babies were the most precious things in the world. She was glad the Reverend, smart and wonderful man that he was, had found a way for the Sisters to have babies without a husband. Most of the Sisters seemed to think men weren’t much use, except for sex. If you prayed hard enough or went without it long enough, you could learn to live without sex. Or so she’d heard.
But most of the Sisters had experienced sex before they joined the church. Sarah was still a virgin and could expect to remain one if she stayed at the compound. Reverend Carmichael and Zeke were the only men left. Sarah shuddered at the thought of having sex with Zeke. The Reverend was different. She could imagine him as a gentle but passionate lover. He would…
“Sarah, where is your mind today?” This time Marilynn made no attempt to conceal her disapproval. Sarah looked up in surprise at the chaos around her. Jessie had taken Lindsey’s bread and eaten it, leaving Lindsey sobbing, while Mia tore her snack into shreds and fed it to a stuffed bear.
“I’m sorry.” Sarah quickly cut Lindsey another piece of bread. She hoped Marilynn would forgive her. She longed for someone she could talk to about her life, her future. There were a few other girls in the compound her age, but after Darcie they all seemed naïve and boring. Oh, how she missed Darcie. The longing for her friend was so intense it was painful.
Sarah made a decision. When Darcie wrote and told her where she was living, Sarah would go see her—and the world—before she made a commitment to the church. The decision frightened her more than the rapidly approaching physical exam. She’d been eight when she and her mother moved to the compound and she hadn’t left it since. Sarah remembered very little of her life before joining the church. She had brief memories of first grade and vague memories of early birthday parties, but she didn’t remember her father at all. Her mother claimed he had their address and could write or send presents, but he never did.
Sarah shut down any thoughts about her father. It was too confusing to feel such strong emotions about someone she didn’t know. She began helping the kids put on sweaters to go outside. Sarah loved the outdoors and took the toddlers out at least once a day regardless of weather. And she spent most of her free time walking in the forest. After eight years, Sarah knew the land like the back of her hand.
The air outside was crisp and cool, the sky a murky blue-gray. The kids ran screaming for the playground and Sarah followed. After ten minutes of pushing Katie and Kelly on the tire swing, Sarah made them get off and give her a turn. She pumped her legs hard, working the swing higher and higher. The cold air stung her cheeks and floated her skirt out like a parachute. Joyously, Sarah pumped higher and higher, oblivious to the children watching below. For a moment, she felt as if she could sail out over the trees, drifting gently on the billows of her skirt until she found a soft place to land.
The feeling disappeared as quickly as it came. Sarah brought her legs down and dragged the ground until she came to a stop. She wasn’t a kid anymore. Today she would become a woman.
* * *
Carmichael stood in front of the tinted window, watching Jenna sleep. She was so beautiful, so peaceful. He envied her drug-induced oblivion. He hadn’t slept well since he’d brought her to the compound. One minute he was worried sick about going to jail for kidnapping Jenna, and the next minute he was trying to figure out a way to keep her. Which was equally worrisome. Carmichael had to assume his attraction for Jenna was rooted in her physical resemblance to Elizabeth—or her spirited similarity to Anne.
Yet his feelings for Liz were waning. He resented her for putting them all in a precarious situation. Carmichael didn’t believe Jenna would be capable of such behavior. She had a purity of spirit. Their shared DNA made both women intelligent, beautiful, and strong-willed, but Elizabeth was flawed, lacking wholeness in a way Carmichael had never understood.
He forced himself to turn away from the window. He would visit Jenna later. Right now he had to prepare for Sarah’s first gynecological exam. Rachel would actually set up the front room with gloves and swabs and such, then stay through the pelvic to make Sarah more comfortable. What he needed to prepare for was the pre-exam talk. Carmichael knew all too well the influence Darcie had exerted on Sarah, the natural curiosity and rebelliousness all kids felt at her age. This was a crucial point in Sarah’s life. Carmichael knew if he didn’t handle this well today, he would lose her. On the other hand, if he convinced Sarah to have a child, she would likely stay in the compound for years, where she was safe and supported.
Carmichael took a moment to pray, asking God to guide his thoughts and words. Bringing new members into the church through procreation was a directive straight from the Big Boss himself. Carmichael had no doubt the church was the best place for any Christian woman. Especially at Sarah’s age, with hormones and curiosity kicking in at the same time that she was becoming unbearably beautiful. In the secular world, men would use her, betray her, infect her with diseases, and probably break her heart. He would spare Sarah all of that if he could.
“Reverend?” Sarah knocked gently before pushing open the door, one hand gripping the knob, the other twisting a strand of long blonde hair.
“Come in, Sarah. Have a seat.” Carmichael smiled gently and gestured toward a padded folding chair. His office in the clinic was small, just big enough for the desk, file cabinets, and two chairs. Except for the computer terminals, the furnishings were all used, but sturdy and comfortable. He would have liked a window, but the bomb shelter had been the only available space left in the compound to build the clinic. He’d come to like the privacy and security of the underground layout.
“How is your day?”
“Uh, okay, I guess. I’ve been a bit distracted.”
“I get that way myself sometimes.” Carmichael tried to help Sarah relax. “Those toddlers are a handful. I admire and appreciate the work you do with them.”
Sarah’s fair skin blushed at the compliment. “Oh, it’s not really work. I have a lot of fun with them.”
“Marilynn tells me you’re especially good with the babies.”
Sarah blushed a deeper pink.
Carmichael decided to back off for a moment. “Do you want to continue helping in the nursery and daycare? Now that you’re sixteen, you have more choices. I’ve always thought you’d be a great teacher. Perhaps you should think about starting our correspondence course for home schooling.”
“I’ve thought about it, but I’m not sure.” She started to say something else, then stopped.
“What is it, Sarah?”
She stared down at her lap, tracing the pattern in her green-print skirt. “I know I want to have a baby someday, but I’m not sure I’m ready now.”
“It’s normal to be uncertain about something so important.” Carmichael paused, as if carefully considering his words. “Have you prayed about this?”
“Oh yes.”
“It’s not just your decision, you know.”
“I know. God has a plan for my life. It’s hard not to think about things I want, though.”
“Do you think it’s God’s plan for you to have a baby?”
“I hope so.” Sarah smiled brightly for the first time.
“I know it is.” Carmichael caught Sarah’s eyes and held them captive. “You have been in my prayers every day for quite some time. The Lord wants you to be part of this church. To have a child and raise her to be a Sister in Christ.” Carmichael touched his chest. “I know this with all my heart.”
Sarah sat up straight, lips pressed together. He was certain she wouldn’t be able to argue with a directive straight from God. “Would you like to pray with me now?”
The girl nodded.
“Dear Lord,” he began, his voice slightly louder, “again I ask you to reach out to Sarah, bring peace to her spirit, clarity to her thoughts, and confidence to the work you have chosen for her. Show Sarah, as you have shown me, that the gift of life is her privilege and responsibility. Bless us both as we endeavor to bring another soul into this church. Thank you for the blessings we have already received. Amen.”
“Amen,” she whispered.
Carmichael waited, trying to read her expression. A certain reluctance still played in her hazel eyes. A tiny fear perhaps.
“Sarah,” he said gently, leaning forward. “I can see you still have doubts. Can you talk to me about them?”
“It’s the hormone shots,” she blurted out suddenly.
Carmichael was relieved. This he could deal with. “Sarah, you know the needle isn’t really going to hurt you; it’s very quick. Rachel’s feelings would be hurt if she knew you were scared of her.” He winked to show he was teasing.
“It’s not the needle.” She looked up, her voice finding courage. “It’s the other stuff, afterward.” Her words tumbled out in a rush. “I’ve heard people complain about hot flashes and headaches and painful cramping.”