The Barbershop Seven (64 page)

'You two get the fuck up here right now, 'cause if he doesn't kill you, I'll arrest you, you stupid bastards! Do it!'

But these were two liberated ex-monks, men who had only just shaken off the shackles. They were free, and that freedom rested gloriously on their shoulders, and tasted sweeter even than Steven's revenge. There was no way they were taking orders from anyone.

The three men stared at one another, long and hard. An eternity of a few seconds.

'Right. Fuck it,' barked Mulholland. 'Get yourselves killed.'

He turned from the path they had made and began following the marks of commotion through the snow. He knew he was walking exactly where Steven wanted him to walk, but he had no option. He could try another route, try sneaking up on the bloke, but this was no time for trickery. He had run long enough; he had been uninterested or worried, and a minute earlier he had been frightened. Now it was time to confront the enemy.

Edward watched him go, was prodded by guilt. He ought to go with him; especially if he wanted to lure Proudfoot to his bed. Of course, the woman would probably already be dead, so it didn't make much of a difference.

'Come on,' said Martin to him, 'we don't need the guy. It's not as if he's protected any of us so far. It's me who knows the way anyway, so we don't need some sad, sexually deprived eejit to look after us.'

Like every other sound in this winter landscape, the sharp crack of the gun was muffled by the snow. In its way, the dull thud of the bullet into Martin's forehead was as impressive a noise as the muffled, crumpled thump of his body as he collapsed, dead, into the snow. A clean shot, immaculately into the centre of his brow.

Brother Steven had never fired a gun in his life, but a man possessed has the aim of the gods.

Instinctively, Mulholland and Edward dived into the snow, no thought for the pointlessness of their action, for they were totally exposed. Edward covered his head with his arms and breathed ice; Mulholland looked in the direction of the gunshot, but there was nothing to see but the wall of white. He gave himself another five seconds on the ground, then slowly lifted himself up. He knew, if Steven had been intending to kill him, he would have done it already.

He stood open and unprotected, looking at Steven's palisade, vague outlines of slopes and edges, behind any of which the man could be hiding. And hopefully Proudfoot too, held captive. Mulholland breathed deeply once more; calm. The sort of moment that gave you the willies to imagine; but when you were in it, you swallowed your fear, you forgot the other guy had a gun, and you got on with it.

'Come on, you,' he said to Edward. 'We're going up this bank and looking over the other side.'

'No chance,' said Edward, from the ground. 'I'm staying right here. At least, until I start heading towards the town.'

Mulholland started tramping through the snow. He had wasted enough time on these pathetic bastards. 'Suit yourself, Edward, but you've just seen what he did to your friend. You want a bullet in the napper, you stay right there. You're not just walking out of this, monk.'

Edward deliberated for a further half-second, then was out of the snow, catching up, and then a pace behind Mulholland as he headed up the hill; although the pace became three paces back as they neared the top.

It was a time for caution, but Mulholland was not for that. He had stepped away from the fight for long enough. His nerves were settled, his mind was set; and if he was to die in the next half minute, then he would have it happen while looking out for one of his fellow officers.

'Very fucking noble,' he muttered to himself, and five seconds later he was at the top of a small ridge, and down below, in the dip, not more than twenty yards away, they awaited them.

Proudfoot was on her knees, roughly bound and gagged; eyes open, staring wildly up at him, as Edward joined him on the ridge. Brother Steven behind her, gun at the back of her head. Proudfoot looked scared, although the frantic eyes were screaming at Mulholland to get away while he could; Steven looked serene. His job almost done, just the dénouement to come. The last of the Holy Order of the Monks of St John; and a couple of hapless police officers to boot. The perfect end to a perfect crime of retribution.

He had not yet faced the great unanswered question of what life offered once a long-held burning ambition had been achieved; the question which haunts everyone who has the misfortune to achieve all their dreams.

'And then there was one,' said Steven, looking Edward in the eye. He had enjoyed toying with Mulholland. Fevered blood swept around his body at the presence of Proudfoot on her knees before him, but this had always been about the monks.

Edward trembled; his resolve did not stiffen. He would have liked to tell Steven to let the woman go if all he was interested in was him, but the words did not make it all the way from his determination to his mouth. At least he did not immediately turn and run, because he accepted that this had to be faced. But still he was incapacitated by fear.

'Let her go,' said Mulholland. 'If this is just about the monks, let her go and the boy and I'll sort it out with you.'

'Come on, Chief Inspector, you'll have to do better than that, gallant though it may be. You don't seriously expect me to relinquish one of my weapons, do you? This is some karmic game of chess we're at, Chief Inspector, and I'm not about to throw away my queen.'

'Very deep,' muttered Mulholland. 'But before you talk any more shite, you want to tell us what this is about? Did they make you pray more than you wanted, or not enough maybe? You a religious zealot or an out-of-place atheist?'

Steven toyed with the idea of their immediate future; a bullet in the back of Proudfoot's head, followed by a couple of quick shots to take care of Mulholland and Edward; or a more drawn-out climax, as he had planned. The
villain in a Bond movie
climax, taking the time to explain himself before the execution.

Of course, it had to be the latter. No fun in expeditiousness.

'You'll never have heard of Two Tree Hill, Chief Inspector,' he said. Statement rather than question.

Mulholland shook his head; Edward narrowed his eyes. Mild confusion.

'Two Tree Hill is a place of such abomination, of such hideous repugnance and shame, that it eats at the hearts of men like some insidious cancer. It is a place where the veracity with which men decry was at once naked in our vengeful Lord's undying light. It speaks of fear and loathing and shouts to the very insouciance which separates the faithless from the godly. I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God. Indeed, Chief Inspector, Two Tree Hill is about that and much more. It's that whole life-blood thing – the battle of concupiscence against frigidity, unethical materialism against the rejection of immorality, the ignoble plagiarism of convention against the gemmiferous spontaneity of requited vehemence. It is a great Mahabharata of disenchantment, carved into the path of righteousness. Two Tree Hill is in everything; it is in this snow, it is in the hills, the air that we breathe, the gun I hold at your able sergeant's neck, the clothes we wear, the Abbot's two ridiculous left hands. It is all around us; it holds us and binds us and sucks us into its persecuted province.'

The damning words sat in the air; they begged the snow to fall, the ground to soak them up. They haunted and possessed, they taunted and teased.

'I thought Two Tree Hill was about a game of football?' said Edward.

Steven did not immediately answer.

'What?' said Mulholland.

'I've heard the old guys talk about it. There was some football match at Two Tree Hill. That was about it, wasn't it?'

'Football?' said Mulholland. 'A sodding game of football? Well, was it? All that shite you've just been spouting's over a bloody game of football? No one ever spoke like that when Thistle got relegated to the Second Division.'

The gun trembled slightly in Steven's hand; Proudfoot felt it against her skull.

'It was more than a football match, Chief Inspector. It was about injustice and oppression. It was about one decent man's obfuscation, his descent into a Hades of women and shattered aspiration.'

'Would you stop talking like that for God's sake,' barked Mulholland, 'and just tell us what bloody happened at this Two Tree bloody Hill?'

Steven seethed; the gun twitched in his hand. He could fire right now. Be done with the ridicule. How could any of them hope to understand?

'It was a game of football,' said Edward. 'In the seventies, some time. Way before I got there. Anyway, our mob were playing a crowd over from Caithness somewhere. Twenty-two guys in robes kicking a ball about a bit of a field. Their abbot was refereeing the game. Near the end it's still nothing each, or something like that, when one of our mob sticks the ball in the net, or whatever it was they had for a net. In the middle of the bloke's celebrations, with no one else really bothering, this abbot guy chops the goal off for offside.'

'It was never offside,' said Steven, and the line had never been uttered more dangerously.

'Whatever. The goal is chopped off, and our guy goes ape-shit. Attacks the ref, does the whole pissed-off player thing. This fixture's been getting played for over two hundred years, and your man becomes the first player to be sent off. So, everyone's a bit embarrassed, the game gets abandoned, and the guy not only gets his marching orders from the match, he's sent packing from the abbey as well, head hung in shame and all that. A bit like Christopher Lambert in
Highlander
without the physical abuse. And the fixture's never been held since. In fact, I don't think we've spoken to that lot in years. It's a bit like England and Pakistan at cricket after that Mike Gatting business, except it's still going on.'

Edward shrugged. The tension had eased from him with the explanation. It almost seemed normal again; to be having a discussion about football.

'And?' said Mulholland, still searching for the thing that would incite a man to murder.

'That man was my father,' said Steven.

'Which man?'

'The man who scored the goal.'

'What? The offside one?' said Edward.

'It wasn't offside! Don't you fools see that? It was a perfectly good goal, and they ruined his life over it. He was never the same.'

Mulholland waved his hands in front of him, trying to shake away what had just been said. His head shook in time.

'Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're telling us that you've just murdered over thirty men because of a bad offside call?'

'It wasn't bloody offside!' said Steven.

'I heard it was a mile offside,' said Edward.

Steven raised the gun and pointed it at him.

'Fuck it!' shouted Mulholland. 'I don't care if it was offside or if there were fifteen fucking monks standing on the sodding goal line. You're saying that you've just murdered all these men because of a refereeing decision? Over thirty men dead for that? Are you serious? Are you seriously serious? Are you really serious, you weird-as-fuck, stupid, ignorant, cretinous moron? You numpty, brainless, twat-faced, shit-brained, heid-the-ba'd, twat-brained, shit-faced, couldn't-piss-in-a-blanket Spam-head? I've eaten fish suppers with more brains than you. You can't honestly be saying that you've just killed more people than live in the suburbs of Shanghai because of a bad offside call. That would just have to be the most ridiculous, fuck-witted piece of stupid fuck-headedness I've ever heard of.'

Steven frowned. He should have known they wouldn't understand. Such was the abuse that the enlightened must face.

'It was a really, really bad decision,' he said.

Mulholland didn't know what to say. This was stupid. Most crimes were stupid, but this was up there in the Top One of really stupid crimes he'd investigated. This was beyond stupid. This was the Real Madrid 1960 European Cup-winning side of stupidity.

'Well, why didn't you go after the referee?'

Steven smiled, lowered the gun from his aim on the shaking Edward and rested it once more against Proudfoot's head. 'I did, several years ago. But it was this mob I really wanted. It was them who drove my father away from the place he loved. It was them who ruined his life. It was them who forced him to die a broken man, and it was on his deathbed that he told me about the injustice of Two Tree Hill. I knew then that he must be avenged.'

Mulholland was still aghast; and aghast at himself for even indulging in conversation about it.

'So why kill them all? If it was in the seventies, most of this lot couldn't even have been here.'

Steven shrugged. The gun was raised, then came back down to rest on Proudfoot's head. She had wondered if Mulholland would manage to effect her escape, but she had now resigned herself to the bullet in the back of the head. Someone this insane would not spare her.

'I took my time. I tried to find records of the day to see who'd been here at the time, then I was going to take them out. Spare the innocent, you know? But, of course, they had long ago destroyed any record of their
Day of Shame
, so there was nothing to find. And none of them would talk about it, of course. Then I was discovered in my searches by Brother Saturday. I had to kill him and that kind of opened up a bit of a wasps' nest. Got rather carried away, I have to admit, but I tell you, it's been one Hell of a ride. Anyway, when I realised you lot were coming, I thought I'd better get a move on. Otherwise, I'd have lingered a lot longer over it.'

Mulholland still shook his head. Staggered. He was used to stupidity, but this was unbelievable.

'But a bad offside decision?' he said, still incredulous.

'That's the point,' said Edward. 'It wasn't a bad decision. Everyone says he was a mile offside.'

'Hey, you can think what you like, Brother Shagger, but the fact is, I know it was a good goal, and I know that your lot deserved to die.'

'What about Sheep Dip?' said Mulholland.