The Bastard (43 page)

“It’s not so simple, I’m afraid. Separation and secrecy is key to our survival. You must be willing to walk away from your human existence, your friends, your family, everyone.”

“But Annie… She’s all I have.”

“I know this isn’t easy. Even as wicked as my men were claimed to have been, they had those who loved them and those they loved. I helped them by waiting. Their children’s children had passed by the time I Awoke them.”

Sela’s hand was dry and cool as she squeezed Lacy’s fingers.

“You are different. What is, is. I cannot return you unscathed to your previous life but my warrior needs you now, not in fifty years. And so I give you a similar choice to those warriors I Awoke. You may remain here, alive for eternity, but only if you can walk away from Annie.”

Never see Annie again? Her heart cringed in panic. “Can I at least tell her goodbye?”

A gentle smile raised Sela’s cheeks. “No, I’m sorry. She must believe you are truly gone forever.”

A cold pit yawned in her middle. She couldn’t leave Annie alone. “Can I check on her, if I don’t let her see me or know… I have to know she’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, but no. The temptation is too great and eventually you would contact her or do something, however good intentioned, to ease her loss. That I cannot allow.”

Lacy’s breath caught and the hand on hers patted gently.

“Or if you prefer, I will send you back to
Barzakh
now with no pain and no fear. Annie will still be alone but you won’t have to live with the torment of never sharing her life. You will simply know nothing and Awaken at the End of Days in what seems mere seconds. You would be reunited with her in Paradise.”

The shrouded body on the altar pulled Lacy’s gaze. Her bare feet made no sounds on the marble as she walked to the altar. It seemed so strange looking into her own slack face. She was dead. Ironic that people claimed life wasn’t fair. From what little she’d seen, death wasn’t much better.

“If I stay I’m what, just Erik’s woman?”

Silence stretched until Lacy turned, facing the throne. For all her injuries, Sela still carried the shimmering light of the Blessed.

“I am not without fault, but it seems you discovered needs my men have that I never anticipated, ones they themselves did not even realize. Nurturing. Empathy. Softness.”

“I just like to take care of people.” Lacy shook her head. “I’m not a fighter. I can’t help them.”

“To those who have been scorned and hated, who face unspeakable evil and eternal sleep every night, who heal in complete solitude, even simple kindnesses mean a great deal. They don’t need a woman to fight beside them. They need one to care for them when they return. You would be their family, Lacy.”

Family
. Her hand trembled as it landed on her belly. “If I stay, can I have children?”

Sela’s expression turned thoughtful. She cocked her head and one side of her mouth quirked up. “I don’t know. My men are fertile because the male seed is replenished daily. Of the females I have Awoken, they were barren because the womb could no longer give life after First Death. But you are Scionim and, in time, will possess near Vangeli powers. One of those powers is the ability to create life. I simply don’t know.”

There were no easy answers even in death, it seemed.

Each man’s face flashed in her head. From Dray’s candy obsession to Rex’s snooty palate, from Myth’s intellectual word games to Nomad’s grouch-fests. Even Zale’s cold glower. But mostly what warmed her was Erik, the crease along the side of his mouth that deepened as he teased her, the tenderness in his touch as he stroked her back as she fell asleep, the tremor in his arms as he climaxed deep inside her. The taste of his whispered love given in a kiss.

If she remained, she and Erik could have hundreds of years together. Annie would go on living. One day, she would die. These men wouldn’t. At the End of Days, she would be with Annie again. How could she walk away and just sleep, knowing the men needed her? How could she walk away and leave Erik behind?

Sela offered her a precious gift, a second chance where no true first chance had been.

Putting one hand to her hip, she fixed a firm look on Sela. “I might not be a warrior but I won’t let anyone hurt my family, not even one I’m choosing to adopt as my own. And I won’t stand by and let them abuse themselves.”

A relieved smile spread along Sela’s bruised face. “Welcome to our ranks, Lacy.”

“That includes you, Ms. Angelbutt. Now where do you sleep? I’m going to help you to bed then go see Erik and make the sweetest love ever made in the history of Earth.”

Sela’s laugh rang like bells. “Go to him. I will seek my slumber in privacy.”

“Sela? Thank you.”

Sela gave her a small nod in reply.

The ride up two floors took forever and Lacy wrapped her arms around herself to contain her happiness. Although she would miss Annie with a voracious intensity, she had a family who needed her. She had a man who needed her, loved her and wanted her forever. She ran down the hall and burst into his apartment.

He slept. Flat on his back, his chest barely rising, a thick bandage around his thigh, smaller wounds left exposed to the air. She poked him, shook him, shouted his name, but he never woke. The healing sleep wouldn’t allow it.

Too energized to do nothing, she grabbed a handful of new clothing and took a shower, delighting in just feeling her warm skin, the pulse in her neck, the air moving in her lungs. Once dressed, she went into the bedroom and lay on the bed, watching Erik sleep. The skin on his arm knitted slowly, as if by magic, and she supposed in a way it was. His bruises faded and a harsh red mark along his chin vanished in slow degrees.

The sun began to rise, filtering through the curtains in a pale golden wash, growing lighter in color until the room was flooded with full white daylight. She’d been alive for hours, yet she wasn’t the slightest bit hungry. A frown tugged at her mouth. She supposed she didn’t have to eat now. But that wasn’t going to stop her from feeding the men. They enjoyed it as much as she did.

She rolled to her back, staring at the ceiling. She’d never see Annie again. She closed her eyes and tried to accept that Annie was a grown woman now and didn’t need her. These men did. Erik did. Lacy needed him just as much. Daring to ask for even more blessings, Lacy sent up a prayer that God or the Creator of All or whoever was out there kept Annie safe.

A door closed in the hall and she sat up, trying to pinpoint the direction. With a lingering glance at Erik’s still face, she climbed from the bed and headed out of the apartment and down the hallway.

Myth was stuffing bloody clothes into the washing machine, grumbling under his breath. Lacy’s mouth parted. He wore only boxer briefs, freeing far more of his skin than she’d ever seen. The shimmering green snake tattoo began at his ankle and coiled up his body in a continuous wave, disappearing beneath his shorts leg and reappearing at the small of his back. It climbed up to wrap around his shoulder then slither down his arm.

“You need to add some salt to the water and use the cold setting. Better yet, pre-treat it.”

He whirled, astonishment bright on his face. “Lacy?”

“Hope you don’t mind if I stick around a while.” She scuffed her toe against the floor.

A loud whoop blasted the air as she was picked up from behind and whirled around. Dray squeezed her hard enough to crack her back before letting her go. Myth shoved him aside and smacked a kiss on her cheek.

“You fucktards could wake the dead.” Nomad’s door snapped open. “Shut the —”

His jaw dropped. Omen gave a short yip then jumped, nearly knocking his master to the ground. He shoved the dog down. “How are you Awake?”

She shrugged, faking boredom even though excitement raced through her. “Someone has to keep you guys under control. If I’m not here, the common room would go back to a germ breeding ground, you’d all have dirty socks, and Dray would live on fast food.”

Nomad’s lip jerked beneath his mustache. “God forbid the Mighty Mouth be reduced to saturated fats.”

“Admit it, Mad. You’re glad she’s back,” Dray coaxed.

“Anything that fills your mouth and shuts you up is a good thing,” he griped.

The evaluator doors whooshed open. Rex and Zale exited, deep in conversation about someone they called Riddle. The two men saw her and froze. Delight spread across one face, irritation across another. Lacy refused to look away as Zale scowled.

“Ten minutes,” he snarled then strode to his apartment, slamming the door shut behind him.

Rex hurried to her, cupped her face and kissed each cheek. “You, my sweet, are a sight for sore eyes.”

She hugged him hard. “Zale doesn’t think so.”

“Zale’s a prick,” Rex said without heat. “He hates when people are happy.”

“He doesn’t know any better.” Myth leaned on the laundry room door and sent him a censuring glare. “He’s never had real love. To him, it’s a weakness no warrior can afford.”

“Enough about Zale. Let’s talk Spaghetti Bolognese.”

Lacy laughed, batted Dray away and promised she’d prepare something special. It took a few more minutes of the men hovering but soon they drifted back to their apartments, all with a lighter spring in their step. Lacy turned to go back to Erik but stopped.

She had to start as she meant to go, as the saying went. A determined pace took her down the hall and she knocked on the first door off the elevator. It opened quickly. Zale’s sullen face blocked the sunshine behind him. A set of earbuds trailed from his ears to disappear in his jeans pocket. With one cold look, he closed the door in her face.

Lacy blew out a calming breath. She gripped the knob and strode in uninvited.

He wasn’t in the living room and she was actually glad. It gave her a minute to gawk. Every wall was lined with bookshelves from ceiling to floor, even crossing the dead space above the curtainless window. Some shelves were stacked two books deep, with every style from old leather embossed covers with fading letters to shiny new paperbacks. The kitchen cabinet doors had been removed and books lined three deep and two high there. The library downstairs suddenly seemed lacking.

He had one ragged recliner under a lonely pole lamp. No television, no music system and no personal touches at all, except the books surrounding the room. The bar held a laptop with a screen saver idly bouncing from frame to frame, the iPhone with the earbuds she’d just seen, and an empty glass with a milk-film. That was it.

Lacy startled when she realized she’d almost over looked him. Zale stood in the bedroom doorframe, his pants unbuttoned and shirt wrapped around his arms. He said nothing, but his look screamed for her to get out.

“Just let me have my say and I’m gone.”

The arrogant nod he sent her gave her strength.

“For some reason, you seem to resent everything about me and I didn’t know why until just now. You’re wrong, Zale. Cold fighters aren’t better fighters. They’re empty fighters. When a person has someone to fight for, they fight harder. Love isn’t a handicap; it’s fuel.”

“Fuel can feed a fire until it burns an entire city to a crisp.” His eyes narrowed. The hair on her neck stood as he drew closer, the silver of his eyes chilling her blood. “Ask me what I did ten minutes ago.”

“What did you do?”

“Told your sister you were dead.” He ignored her soft gasp. “Right now, she’s down in the medi-room bawling her eyes out over you. Rex and I are going to take her and your lifeless body back to her decrepit little house, arrange for your funeral and then walk away. Just like you walked away from her.”

The insult hit and she stepped back. “I didn’t walk away from her, I was dragged. I didn’t ask to die.”

“Who asked you to stay?”

“Sela.”

“Did she?” Cruelty curled his lip. “Or did she just give you an excuse to choose a man over your blood?”

Lacy’s fists knotted. She hadn’t chosen Erik over Annie, she’d chosen a life, any life, over the deep sleep of nothingness. And she refused to let Zale mock her for that. Raising her chin, she stepped closer, leaning into his personal space.

“What choice? Either way, I lose Annie. I’m dead, remember? I can’t ever see her again, talk to her, hang out with her, tell her I love her. Do you even know how bad losing someone you love hurts? So yes, I chose to stay Awake and give comfort, give love, to the only people I can. This team. They’re my family now. And like it or not, you’re part of that. Every family has an asshole. Guess that’s you.”

He jerked backward. “I didn’t ask you to be part of my family.”

“Can you hear yourself?
Your
family? You do care, on some level, even if it’s just because you need them in this war. But I think it’s more.” She jammed her finger into his chest. “You might be the head of this fucked-up family, but I’m the new mama bear. Make a note, Zale. I run this house with love and soothing and strength, and if you don’t stop being a cold-hearted prick, I will kick your ass out.”

“You think you can?”

“I know I can. I have five of history’s baddest at my back. Who do you have, Zale? These men? The ones you don’t deem worthy to talk to? You don’t have a single friend here and you know it. Who’s in your corner when the shit really hits the fan?”

His jaw flinched but he said nothing.

“You won’t believe me, but I am. As long as you treat them right, I’ll treat you the same. And you’d better because one day you might need them to save your sorry ass.”

Holding her head high, she slammed his door and walked back to Erik’s apartment. For a good fifteen minutes, she stood and cursed Zale. The plethora of names that came out of her mouth stunned her. Who knew she knew so many synonyms for the word asshole? Taking a few calming breaths, she forced her irritation away. This was the first day of her new, and potentially immortal, life. She wasn’t about to let him ruin it.

She shucked off her pants and crawled beneath the blankets beside Erik. Zale’s words came back and she hesitated. Annie was in the compound, just downstairs, one floor away. Lacy fought the urge to sneak down there, to see her sister one last time, even if she couldn’t talk to her. Her eyes closed to keep the tears from falling. Sela was right. Sometimes eternal life cost a very dear price.