“Hey! This is all subjective,” you may snort, ruining the moment and sounding a lot like Aristotle, who didn’t have a postgraduate degree and dressed like a prick. Beauty, like love, is not
one
thing. It is, like love and stds, a many-splendored thing: an octopus with each tentacle representing an independent yet critical tributary sluicing through eternity and the divine and water, no one arm more important than the other, but all necessary unless you want to try dealing with a septopus (not beautiful and also petulant). I hope this treatise clears up a few misbegotten notions about what beauty is, precisely:
It’s my
new
girlfriend, Timber! Take
that
.
And the next time you feel like posting on Facebook that the exwife looks like four albino radii intersecting in a Quiche Lorraine, maybe you’ll take to heart the words of Clint, who argues, “Timber’s nothing but trouble, dude. It’s fine, though, how she can cover her pussy hair with her head hair.”
Clint, too? It’s all just so
ugly
.
IMAGE CREDITS
Sleeping Ugly” © 2012 Evre Basak Okumus (
artofevre.com
)
“It is a Puzzlement” Ca. 1954. © Jim French.
Photo © Robin Antalek.
Yul Brynner and Gertrude Laurence in
The King and I
. 1951. Photo by VanDamm. From
The Rodgers & Hammerstein Songbook
© 1968 Williamson Music, Inc.
Photo of woman in gas mask during WWII. Ca. 1940. Courtesy State Library of Victoria Collections.
The Sleeping Giant” © 2010 Courtney Carmody.
Sketch of Palladian window,
McGraw-Hill Dictionary of Architecture & Construction
© 2003 McGraw-Hill Co.
“Do I Scare You, Mommy?” © 2011 Angelica’s Photo Art.
Nijinsky in
Jeux.
1913. Courtesy the Russian Ballet History Collection.
“Copy” © 2009 Jin Tai.
Advertisement in
Modern Mechanix
magazine. Nov. 1932.
Charcoal drawing by Charles Moone, courtesy Quenby Moone.
Photo of Douglas Kornfeld Installation “Who Are You?” at Boston Center for the Arts © 2010
Weekly Dig
.
“Grass Seas #1, Maui” © 2008 Mick LeGrande.
Poster artwork for
The Woman on the Beach
. Film © 1947 RKO Radio Pictures, Inc.
Drawing © Judy Prince.
“Le Gardien de La Joconde” © 2009 Dylan Ramos.
Photo © 2008 Hillary Boles.
Photo © Ronlyn Domingue.
“A Little Love” © 2008 Devin Young.
Rich Ferguson in performance. Photo © Andrei Rozen.
“Michelangelo’s David” 2007 by Anonymous.
Publicity photo of Louise Brooks in
Pandora’s Box
. Film © 1929 Kino International.
Photo © 2010 Favi Santos.
Photo of advertisement in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. 2010.
“Cheek to Cheek: 1950s.” © Tony Wisneske &
Shorpy.com
.
“Miss Atom Bomb” Las Vegas, Nevada. Ca. 1945. University of Nevada Special Collections.
Photo of Albert Einstein with his wife Elsa. No date. Library of Congress.
CONTRIBUTORS
Robin Antalek
is the author of
The Summer We Fell Apart
(HarperCollins, 2010), chosen as a Target Breakout Book and soon to be published in Turkey by Artemis Yayinlari. She lives in Saratoga Springs, NY, with her husband and children. You can visit her Web site at
robinantalek.com
, or if brave enough, publicly admit to liking her on Facebook.
Matthew Baldwin
is a writer, raconteur, and all-around gentleman rogue from San Diego, California. He earned a B.A.. from the University of California in 2001 and an MFA from the University of New Orleans in 2004. A regular nonfiction contributor to
The Nervous Breakdown
, he has also published fiction and poetry in several smaller literary journals and online literary sites. In his spare time he is a professional martial arts instructor. Baldwin is currently at work on both a novel and a collection of postcard-sized flash fiction.
Jessica Anya Blau’s
newest novel,
Drinking Closer to Home
(HarperCollins/Harper Perennial), has been called “a raging success” and “unrelentingly side-splittingly funny.” It was featured in Target stores as a “Breakout Book” and made many Best Books of the Year lists for 2011. Her first novel,
The Summer of Naked Swim Parties
(HarperCollins/Harper Perennial), was picked as a Best Summer Book by
The Today Show
,
The New York Post
, and
New York Magazine
.
The San Francisco Chronicle
and other newspapers chose it as one of the best books of the year. Jessica’s third novel,
The Wonder Bread Summer
(HarperCollins/Harper Perennial) is coming out in the summer of 2013. Jessica wrote the screenplay for
Franny
, a film starring Frances Fisher and Steve Howey.
Franny
is now in post-production in Los Angeles. Currently Jessica is a Visiting Assistant Professor at Goucher College. She also teaches at Johns Hopkins University where she attended The Writing Seminars.
Nora Burkey
recently completed her b.a. in creative writing from Eugene Lang College, The New School for Liberal Arts in New York City. She has been published in
The Furnace Review
, an online literary magazine for fiction and poetry. She currently lives in Toronto, Ontario, but hails from the suburbs of Philadelphia.
Elizabeth Collins
has had essays, stories, and articles published in
Columbia: A Journal of Literature and Art
;
Natural Bridge
;
The Massachusetts Review
;
Bookslut
; and in various newspapers and magazines. She is a journalist and college writing instructor, and a tutor, artist, and blogger (
prettyfreaky.blogspot.com
). Collins is also a graduate of the University of Iowa’s mfa program in English/Writing, and she won the Columbia University Nonfiction Prize. Collins’ memoir,
Too Cool for School
, will be published in early 2012, with her young adult novels to follow. She lives with her family near Philadelphia. Follow her on Twitter @sheepandstars.
Ronlyn Domingue
is the author of
The Mercy of Thin Air
(Atria Books, 2005). This debut novel was a 2005 Borders Original Voices Award Finalist and was acquired in eleven other countries. Her second and third novels are forthcoming from Atria Books, scheduled for Spring 2013 and Spring 2014. Her writing has appeared in
New England Review
;
Clackamas Literary Review
;
New Delta Review
;
The Independent
(UK); and
Shambhala Sun
. In the past, Ronlyn worked as a grassroots organizer, project manager, teacher, and grant writer. Visit her at
ronlyndomingue.com
.
Melissa Febos
is the author of
Whip Smart
(2010), a critically acclaimed memoir of her work as a professional dominatrix while she was studying at The New School. Febos has also contributed to
The New York Times
;
Hunger Mountain
;
Dissent
;
The Southeast Review
;
Redivider
;
The Rambler
;
The Huffington Post
;
Bitch Magazine;
and
The Chronicle of Higher Education
. She is an assistant professor of English at Utica College.
Rich Ferguson
has performed across the country and has been heard on many radio stations. He has shared the same stage with Patti Smith and Janet Hamill, Exene Cervenka, David Thomas of Pere Ubu, Holly Prado, and many other esteemed poets and musicians. He has performed at the Redcat Theater in Disney Hall, the Electric Lodge (Venice, CA), The Knitting Factory (NYC & LA), the South by Southwest Music Festival, the North by Northwest Music Festival, the Henry Miller Library, Tongue and Groove, Beyond Baroque, and the Topanga Film Festival. On the college circuit he has performed at UC Irvine, UC-Santa Barbara, UCLA, El Camino College, and Cal State Northridge. He is a featured performer in the sequel to the film
1 Giant Leap
. It’s called
What About Me
, and also features Michael Stipe, Michael Franti, k.d. lang, Krishna Das, and others. Ferguson has studied poetry with Allen Ginsberg and fiction writing with Aimee Bender and Sid Stebel. In addition, he has been published in the
Los Angeles Times
, spotlighted on pbs (
Egg: The Art Show
), is a regular contributor to
The Nervous Breakdown,
and his spoken word/music CD, entitled
Where I Come From,
was produced by Herb Graham Jr. (John Cale, Macy Gray).
M.J. Fievre
, born in Port-au-Prince, is an expatriate whose short stories and poems have appeared in numerous publications, including
Haiti Noir
(Akashic Books, 2010);
The Southeast Review
;
The Caribbean Writer
; and
The Mom Egg
. She is currently a graduate student in the creative writing program at Florida International University. She loves coconut shrimp, piña coladas, her dog Wiskee, and a good story. Anton Chekhov is one of her favorite writers. Her author Web site is located at
lominy.com
.
J.E. Fishman
is making plans while God laughs. He is at work with actor Tom Teti on a screenplay entitled “The Wisest Wiseguy,” about two retired mafia dons who attempt to resolve a nature-nurture debate with a reality contest. His mystery novel,
Cadaver Blues
, was serialized this year on
The Nervous Breakdown
, and his thriller,
Primacy
(Verbitrage, 2011), just hit stores. Follow his adventures in new book publishing on Tumblr at
A Third Way
, and his thoughts on writing and publishing on his personal blog. You can also read about his long-suffering tennis game at
An Ungrateful Game
and follow him on Twitter @jefishman.
Gina Frangello
is the fiction editor of
The Nervous Breakdown
. She is the author of the collection
Slut Lullabies
(Emergency Press, 2010) and the novel
My Sister’s Continent
. She was the longtime editor of the literary magazine
Other Voices
and co-founded its book imprint,
Other Voices Books
, where she is now the executive editor of the Chicago office. Her short stories have been published in many lit mags and anthologies, including
A Stranger Among Us: Stories of Cross Cultural Collision and Connection
;
Prairie Schooner
;
StoryQuarterly
;
Swink
; and
Clackamas Literary Review
. She guest edited the anthology
Falling Backwards: Stories of Fathers and Daughters
and teaches creative writing at Columbia College Chicago and Northwestern University’s School of Continuing Studies. Gina lives in Chicago and can be found online at Facebook, or on her Web site,
ginafrangello.com
. She has twin daughters, a wild preschooler son, and never sleeps.
Marni Grossman
holds a B.A. from Vassar in Women’s Studies. The degree turned out to be of little practical value, but nonetheless holds a lot of sentimental weight. She’s written for
BUST
;
Playgirl
;
Heeb
;
Sadie
magazine; and
gURL.com
. You can also find her work in the anthology
Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists
(Seal Press, 2010). Her interests include subverting the patriarchy, reading, and
Law and Order
, the Jerry Orbach years. She is currently studying for her masters in social work at New York University.
James D. Irwin
is a British writer and occasional comedian. As well as his nonfiction writing at
The Nervous Breakdown
and various other small publications, Irwin has written an unpublished novel with a twist ending of M. Night Shyamalan proportions and directed a short film with the production quality and erotic value of Paris Hilton’s sex tape. He currently runs The Late Train Comedy Night in Winchester and is preparing to direct his first play at a local festival. As a true Englishman, his only interests besides writing are tea, cricket, and aesthetically displeasing dentistry.
Quenby Moone
, nonfiction editor at
The Nervous Breakdown
, used to be a graphic designer who wrote once in a while. After her father came down with a touch of Stage iv prostate cancer, she became a writer who did graphic design once in a while. She’s written a book called
Living in Twilight
(no relation to vampires, unless dying of cancer is a part of Edward’s story), which meshes her graphic design skills with her words.