Authors: Sarah Pekkanen
She closed her eyes and traveled back to Allie’s thirty-fifth birthday party. She saw the bright paper streamers taped to the ceiling, smelled the sweet-sharp aroma of chili bubbling on the stove, and watched the group lift glasses high into the air. Dwight was standing on the periphery, and the look on his face—the one that transformed it; the one Pauline had never seen before—was of pure joy.
She’d thought being within his circle of friends was the reason for his happiness. That inclusion in a group was a vital, missing piece in the life of the man who always seemed to be an outsider.
But now, for the first time, she drew in her focus more tightly. She tracked Dwight’s point of view. He was standing by her as everyone hooted and laughed and cheered. Savannah was next to them, too. Tina and Gio were nearby. But Dwight wasn’t looking at any of them. What was he staring at when that smile broke out on his face?
Two little girls were bringing in a cake, and Allie was closing her eyes to make a wish as she smiled . . .
Allie.
Pauline felt as if someone had punched her in the stomach. He’d been watching Allie the whole time.
Her husband was in love with another woman. Maybe he always had been. She’d tried to give him this trip as a gift, as a way to fill a hole in his life, but he hadn’t needed it.
He’d only needed Allie.
* * *
“Did you hear something?” Allie asked, glancing toward the door of the game room.
Dwight got up, holding the lantern. He peered down the hallway, twisting his head in both directions. “Nope,” he said. He walked back over to Allie and sat down again. But this time, he put a little more space between them.
“Ryan and I were having problems,” Allie began. Her body sagged against the couch. “It started when I learned about the ALS. I felt like—”
Dwight interrupted her. “He loves you,” he said. “When I saw him dragging you back to the house . . . that look on his face, Allie. He wasn’t going to let anything happen to you.”
Allie was too ashamed to respond. She hadn’t explained things well. She and Ryan weren’t having problems; she’d created a problem for them. Not a problem, a catastrophe.
Dwight leaned his head back against the couch. “I was saying how in college I was in love with you— I still can’t believe you never noticed—but . . .”
“But?” Allie echoed when his voice trailed off.
“But now I love you as a friend. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
Dwight was ending it, Allie realized. And even though she knew it was the right thing to do, even though she wanted to stay with Ryan, a tremble of fear ran through her body.
“I meant what I said on the beach,” Dwight told her. He reached for her hand. Hers must’ve been cold, because his was
so warm. “I will always take care of you and your family. If you ever need anything, I’ll be there. Faster than you can imagine.”
Allie was crying now, tears streaming down her cheeks. Sweet Dwight, with his pants legs tucked into his socks and his understanding of fear so powerful it turned into panic, didn’t blame her. Even though she’d instigated what had happened: She’d led him up to the cluster of palm trees while everyone else had stayed on the beach to do lemon drop shots and confront Betty.
“Are you sure?” Dwight had asked when she’d reached for the zipper on his shorts. But instead of answering, she’d kissed him, cutting off any chance of conversation. She hadn’t even looked into his eyes—she’d just tried to lose herself in the sensations. It hadn’t worked; the sex had felt mechanical and frantic instead of soulful. Afterward, they’d pulled apart quickly and Dwight had looked as stunned as she’d felt. Now he regretted it; she could tell.
My fault,
she thought.
I did this.
She despised the person she’d become on this trip.
“It’s okay, Allie,” Dwight said. He squeezed her hand.
“I’m so scared,” she sobbed. “Just . . . please don’t hate me, okay?”
“It’s okay,” he repeated. “Shhh . . .”
They stayed that way for a while; then, because she knew she didn’t deserve his comfort, Allie slid her hand out of Dwight’s. She stood up and leaned over to kiss him on the forehead.
“I’ve always loved you, too,” she whispered, wishing it didn’t feel like a good-bye. “I always will.”
THE SUN SHONE IN
a soft blue sky and the wind had disappeared. If it wasn’t for the fact that the shoreline had been completely transformed, it would seem as if Betty had never existed.
Getting down to the beach had been a challenge; Betty had ripped out two of the stairs, damaged others, and the railing was in tatters. But they’d all wanted to come here. Everyone except Pauline; Dwight reported that she had a horrible headache and needed to rest.
“It’s so sad,” Tina said as she looked out over the beach. “Look at this.”
She swept out her arms to encompass jagged pieces of wood mingled with some trash, heaps of seaweed, and what looked like the rusted engine of a powerboat. Their tiki bar was a pile of demolished wood, and Betty had taken a huge bite out of the midsection of the floating dock.
All around her, the others were walking down the beach or picking up branches and tossing them into the fire pit in preparation for a bonfire. Savannah had brought down a big pot and some instant coffee she’d discovered in the pantry, and they were planning to brew Sanka over the flame. Ryan had
had the good sense to fill a cooler with plenty of ice and hot dogs and veggie burgers before the storm struck, which meant they could cook lunch and dinner on the beach tonight. All of the other food—the tins of caviar and homemade sorbet and good cheeses and fresh crab cakes that no one had noticed until they were cleaning out the refrigerator—had been lost to the storm.
Cowboy coffee and hot dogs, Tina thought, smiling. What a far cry from the lobster bisque and champagne at the beginning of their trip.
Tina leaned over to stretch her back, then glanced at Allie, who was slumped on the trunk of a downed tree.
“You okay?” she asked.
Allie shook her head. She seemed steeped in misery.
Tina studied her oldest friend, then walked over to Gio. “I’m going to take a little walk with Allie down the beach,” she said.
“I’ll come with you,” he said.
“Actually”—Tina glanced back at Allie—“I think Allie needs to get something off her chest. Do you mind? We won’t be long.”
“Don’t go past the bend where Ryan was mugged,” Gio said. “Stay in sight.”
Tina agreed, then walked back over to Allie and extended her hand. “C’mon,” she said.
They walked silently for a moment, still holding hands and choosing their steps carefully to avoid a patch of broken glass.
“Talk to me about Dwight,” Tina said when they were safely out of earshot.
After a pause, Allie asked, “Is it that obvious?”
“To me. I doubt to anyone else. I saw you both in the middle of the night by the pool, or I might not have noticed.”
“I slept with him,” Allie said.
Tina stopped walking. “Oh, my God! Allie!”
“I know,” Allie said. She gave a half laugh that ended up
sounding more like a sob. “I don’t know what came over me. It was completely insane.”
“Has it been going on for long?” Tina asked. She felt a bit dizzy and sat down, releasing Allie’s hand.
“No! Just this trip,” Allie said. She sank down onto the sand next to Tina. “We only . . .” She dropped her head into her hands. “God, I can barely even say it. We only did it once.”
“When?” Tina asked.
“Yesterday,” Allie said in a nearly inaudible voice. “You guys were down on the beach right before the hurricane and we . . . came back early.”
“Allie,” Tina said slowly. “Pauline was in the house then.”
“Oh, God,” Allie said. Her head jerked up, and she stared at Tina. “But no—she couldn’t have seen us! We were outside, way back behind some trees . . . and it just happened so fast. I don’t even know why I did it, Tina. And it
was
me. Dwight didn’t instigate it—I did. It’s almost like it happened to someone else. It doesn’t seem real!”
Tina nodded, even though she didn’t understand. None of this made sense! Allie and Ryan seemed like the ideal couple—they rarely fought, and they were devoted to each other and to their children. They’d celebrated an anniversary a few months ago, and Ryan had bought Allie swing dancing classes as a present. Tina had always noticed the way Allie filled up Ryan’s coffee cup in the morning, before he even asked—it was just one of the small, considerate gestures that made them such an enviable couple. If their marriage was this fragile, then whose was safe?
“I don’t know what to say,” Tina said. She felt nauseated.
She loved Allie, but she adored Ryan, too. She’d stood by their side during their wedding. She’d come to the hospital twice to see Ryan staring down at a swaddled infant with an expression that mingled love and awe, topped off with a healthy
dash of terror. They’d shared countless dinners—times when Allie and Ryan had brought by pizzas and Tina had opened wine and made salad and all of the kids had romped in the backyard on warm nights. Ryan always made Tina laugh, and he listened when she talked—really listened. He was the male version of Allie!
They were family. Both of them.
“Are you going to leave Ryan?” Tina finally asked.
“No!” Allie said. “And it’s never going to happen again. Tina, please don’t look at me like that!”
Tina shook her head. “I’m just . . . stunned.” And mad, but she wasn’t going to tell Allie, not yet.
“Me, too,” Allie said. “I don’t know what happened.” She wasn’t crying, which made her words seem almost worse, Tina thought. Allie looked awful—all of them did, since they hadn’t been able to shower—but Allie’s skin seemed drawn and her eyes were shattered.
“I felt like something was going on with you during this trip,” Tina said slowly. “You kept getting angry, which is so unlike you . . . and you got really intense about us all going away together next year. It’s hard to explain, but you just weren’t yourself.”
“I was mad at Ryan for not noticing that,” Allie said.
“Mad?” Tina barked out a laugh. “That’s what you do when you’re mad at him?”
“That wasn’t the only reason!” Allie protested. She finally looked at Tina. “There’s . . . other stuff going on.”
“So tell me,” Tina said.
“I’m so scared,” Allie whispered. “I’ve messed up my whole life. What if Ryan finds out and he leaves me?”
Tina looked out at the water and didn’t say anything. She thought back to how furious she’d been when Gio and Savannah had flirted. She might leave, in Ryan’s place.
“There’s more. I just found out that ALS runs in my biological family,” Allie finally said.
Tina’s head whipped around. “Lou Gehrig’s disease?”
Allie nodded. “I’ve got a fifty-fifty chance of getting it.”
“No!” The word erupted out of Tina, and she launched herself toward Allie. “You won’t! You can’t!”
She could feel Allie finally begin to cry, and Tina held her friend tightly.
“You’re going to be okay, Allie,” Tina said. “Listen to me! You’re the healthiest person I know!”
“That doesn’t make any difference,” Allie said. She wiped her eyes with the bottom of her shirt.
“When did you find out?” Tina asked. Her heart was pounding, but she tried to keep her voice calm.
“Right before the trip,” Allie said. “I think that’s why I did it. Dwight offered to take care of me—”
“Wait, you told him before you told me?” Tina said before she could stop herself.
“I didn’t want to ruin the vacation for you. Or Ryan,” Allie said. “But that night in the helicopter, after I freaked out, Dwight and I talked on the beach . . . It just slipped out. I guess I had to tell someone. And then he said he’d take care of everything—my medical care, the girls’ college—and I felt this surge of love for him . . . It was like, once I told him, he and I were in our own private world. As long as I stayed close to him, I was safe.”
“Why did you tell him and not Ryan?” Tina asked. “Was it really just about not wanting to ruin the trip?”
Allie shrugged. “Maybe because it wouldn’t destroy Dwight’s world like it would Ryan’s. God, Tina, I don’t even know. I can’t think straight. I’m so messed up right now. But I didn’t sleep with Dwight because I fell in love with him. It was more of an . . . escape.”
“Have you talked to a doctor?” Tina asked. “I want to be there, Allie. I’ll go with you to the appointment.”
“I know you will,” Allie said. She massaged her forehead with one hand. “I always felt like I was too lucky, you know? Like I’d grabbed a bigger share of the pie than I deserved. Great kids, great husband, great friends, great job. Great life. Nothing ever really went wrong for me. I was waiting for something like this to happen.”
“Why?” The word burst out of Tina. “Why shouldn’t you deserve to have everything be wonderful for the rest of your life?”
“Because it doesn’t work that way,” Allie said. “I see it all the time in my job. Sweet kids get ripped apart because their parents use them as weapons in a divorce. Men beat up good women. Families lose their homes because there aren’t enough jobs to go around. I always felt like I could make a little bit of a difference, you know? If I just tried hard enough to help—
cared
enough—it would offset some of the problems in the world.”
“And it did,” Tina said. “You made a difference for those people!”
Allie didn’t seem to hear her. “And now I have to figure out how to tell Ryan, ‘Oh, hey—I might die on you. And by the way, I slept with our friend.’ ”
“Don’t tell him yet,” Tina said. She tried to come up with some advice to give her friend, but she was too overwhelmed to think clearly. “Let’s take this one step at a time, okay?”
Allie nodded. A big wave came toward them, then broke, sending white foam rushing up the beach to touch their legs. Tina reached down and traced designs in the rough, wet sand with her fingertips.
“I don’t know if I can live with myself if I don’t tell him,” Allie said. “The guilt. I couldn’t sleep last night. I went downstairs so I wouldn’t wake up Ryan, and I guess Dwight heard me. He
followed me, and we started talking. He wishes it had never happened, Tina. I could tell.”