The Best You'll Ever Have (6 page)

QUIZ SHOW QUESTION NO. 4: What is the right way to touch a clitoris?

SHORT ANSWER:
Only you would know.

LONG ANSWER:
Women can learn a lot from men about sexual
pleasure.
Basically, practice makes perfect. They know exactly what they like because they have hands-on experience. Men masturbate
a lot.
They’ve had years and years of practice. Why shouldn’t women be as intimately aware of their clitorises as men are of their penises? We’d all have more fun. When you know yourself well, you can make sure your partner quickly learns what you like so he can have more fun by making you happy. Your ability to be open and to explore is both an intellectual and emotional choice. You have to want to do it, want to feel more, learn more, and trust more. Why would you let someone else have control of your pleasure? It’s nice if men add to it, but make sure you don’t turn over the driving to someone who’s not in the car.

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. Just as there are variations in size, women differ in sensitivity. Some women are so sensitive that any direct contact is too intense and even painful. Other women need hard forearm-busting action to feel their best. See the box “Come On” below for some specific styles.

QUIZ SHOW QUESTION NO. 5: What happens to the clitoris during orgasm?

SHORT ANSWER:
It spreads love and joy o’er this great land.

LONG ANSWER:
The very long answer, from the first tingle to the
final explosion, a detailed moment-by-moment physiological and
emotional breakdown, fifteen pages of sheer thrills and chills, can be
found in chapter 4, “O Joy.”

Five Reasons Your Vulva Is a Stranger

As a child, you were probably discouraged from touching or asking about that part of your body by adults.

Chances are, you might have associated the area with danger. Very early on, we’re told to wipe front to back because of the possibility of infection. We hear language about the hymen “breaking” and are told about cramps and blood.

Comparing and talking about their penises is a rite of passage for boys. But girls never brag about their body parts, show them to each other, or talk about them. Somehow, girls get the idea not to mention it, as if showing interest is deviant.

Women and girls don’t look at their own vulva. Men, if they could, would stare at their penises all day long. Women shun the area, finding it unattractive or offensive (although the shock of seeing it does die down).

If you have seen other vulvas, most likely they were airbrushed, photo-shopped images from soft-core porn magazines. Those aren’t what real women look like. They’re hairless, the colors have been altered, the shape has been changed, and blemishes have been erased. By comparison, you might think your own parts are abnormal. What’s abnormal is making a photograph of a flesh and blood woman look like a plastic mannequin.

Come On

It’s true that everyone is different. We don’t wear the same clothes even though we all have arms, legs, and torsos, and we don’t like to be touched the same way either. It took you years to figure out what you like to wear and you are probably still experimenting with shade and style. Experimenting with how you like to be touched is also ongoing adventure in trial and error. Put in the time and feel fabulous.

Orgasms are like snowflakes. The variations are endless. I have collected the following clitoral contact techniques from women in Safina Salons. If you have a favorite clitoral caress technique that isn’t listed here, please e-mail me at
[email protected]
so that I can share the information with women at Salons. When it comes to touching, there are no rules of thumb. Clitoral advice: use lubricant so that you get sensations without the distracting friction, which can interrupt your dreaming mind. See “Lube Review” in chapter 6.

SPINNING.—
Have you ever taking a spinning class at the gym?
The best part of the class is when you take the tension off the bike and pedal as fast as you can. Around and around, smooth effortless motion. It’s like flying. This is the best metaphor I can think of for the main technique women tell me they love. Use a lot of lubricant and start with big circles that pass over the clitoris as part of spinning around the top half of the vulva. Keep up continuous motion. Let yourself daydream. Slowly tighten the width of the circles towards the clitoris—or whatever part of the vulva wants attention. There’s sensitive erectile tissue everywhere—below the clitoris near the urethra, at the entrance of the vagina—feel around. You’re not limited to direct clitoral stimulation. Besides, that might not feel too good until you’re warmed up. Take a spin around and find out what you prefer during different times of the month and when you’re in different moods.

ELLIPTICALS.—
Ellipses or ovals are a favorite of many women
who take the multifinger approach and who say that passing by the
clitoris and coming back is the way to go.
This is a three fingered—or whole hand—rhythmic loop. Start with wide ellipses with a fixed point as an anchor. Use the top of the clitoris as your anchor for a while, and then switch to the bottom side of the clitoris. For how low and wide to go with your ovals, think of the vaginal opening is six o’clock, go to six, then five, then seven. Expand your touches across the whole evening hour range. Try going fast or slow, or fast then slow.

THREE-LEGGED RACE.—
Placing your index and ring fingers on
the sides of the vagina, use your middle finger directly on or around
the clitoris.
Leave your wrist to rest on your pubic bone and slide your index and ring fingers up and down or in big circles involving the whole vulva. Your middle finger can either follow the other fingers’ motion directly on or near the clitoris or it can make smaller circles or sliding motions inside the other two fingers. This approach is a little complicated and requires some coordination.

INSIDE AND OUT.—
Can be done manually or with the aid of
vibrator(s).
With the hand: make a perfect C shape with your middle finger and thumb. Insert the middle finger into the vagina to touch the G-spot (see chapter 3 for specific help), and place your thumb on the clitoris. Make circles with your thumb, and press with your middle finger. With a sex aid: put a vibrator just inside the vagina, curved into the G-spot (see chapter 3) and put another one on or near the clitoris (or just get a vibrator that is designed to do both at once). Turn both vibrators on at a low speed at the beginning, and increase the speed at needed.

RUB-A-DUB.—
Fun in the tub.
Put the water on low pressure, just warmer than body temperature. If you have a hand-held showerhead, put it between your legs and see what your clitoris thinks of that. If you don’t have a detachable showerhead, you can get a tube/hose-like gizmo at any hardware store. OR, you can lie down on the floor of the tub and position yourself (legs up on the shower wall) so that the water running out of the facet hits you just right. Something about the light but steady flow of water on or near the clitoris sends some women over the edge and into a whole new state of relaxed and energized. Waterproof vibrators are also fun and can give you something relaxing to do while you wait for your deep conditioner.

GETTING MORE C.—
Intercourse is nice.
Most women really like it but few have orgasms from it. Why not increase your chances by making sure the clitoris gets some attention during the act? Get on top and get your guy to squeeze his butt, raising his pubic bone. Put a pillow under him as well. Doing so will allow you to rub your clitoris against his pubic bone. Lean forward slightly, and you’ll really feel the difference. Watching you love this will lead to new levels of fun for your guy, rocking his enthusiasm as well as the rest of him. Also, lend a hand (your or his) or add a vibrator to the mix. There’s no reason intercourse should be a hands-free (or vibrator-free) activity.

TO THE LEFT.—
Do you find that one side of your clitoris is more
intensely pleasurable than the other?
Steve and Vera Bodansky, authors of
The Extended Massive Orgasm,
think so, as do many women I’ve met. According to the Bodanskys, the upper left side of your clitoris (upper as in toward the ceiling) is the most sensitive. Please e-mail me if this is true for you (I have theories about left-handed vs. right-handed women).

THE SQUEEZE.—
Make a narrow V with your index and middle
fingers and put the narrow part of the V on either side of the clitoris.
Then gently tug the vulva up and down towards your stomach and back down again. Progress to squeezing your V of fingers around the clitoris. Now put it all together, tugging and squeezing.

THE FLUTTER.—
Make another narrow V with your index and
middle fingers.
Move the two fingers quickly in the opposite direction like kicking legs. That’s what I mean by “flutter.” Now place the narrow part of the V between the vulva folds so that your fingers are on either side of the clitoris. Flutter, flutter, flutter. Or, if it’s too soon for that, work up to fluttering by squeezing, spinning, or other techniques first.

DELAYED GRATIFICATION.—
Holding off to have a bigger,
more gratifying release when you finally come is more often done with
another person than by masturbation.
But you can do it by yourself to see if your orgasms really are more intense if you make yourself wait. There are two big tactics: (1) when you’re about to come, stop what you’re doing, wait for five beats, and then start again; and (2) don’t zero in on the spot that most wants to be touched until you absolutely can’t stand it anymore. Most of the time, however, with masturbation, the idea is to relieve stress quickly, getting rid of tension so you can sleep. But who knows, maybe you’re the best tease of all.

Five Steps to Making Your Vulva Your Friend

Go to a bookstore and find a book like
Feminalia
by Joani Blank or
Sex for One
by Betty Dodson. Take a look at the photos or drawings of other women’s parts. Notice the variations in color, size, and shape and the wide range of normal.

Get out the hand mirror. It sounds corny and it will feel silly, but you’re an adult now. You don’t have to worry that your mother or sister is going to burst into your room and catch you with the mirror between your legs. On a weekend morning, when the light is good, sit Indian-style on the bed and put a mirror in front of your vulva. Take a few seconds to get over the shock. Then look more carefully. Identify the parts. Notice if one lip is larger than the other, if your clitoris leans to the right or left. Get a clear sense of how you’re put together.

After an initial superficial look, touch. Pull back the hood of the clitoris to expose more of the tip. Spread the vulva to see the entrance of the vagina. Lean back to see the perineum. (For more on the P-spot, see chapter 5). Notice how close or how far away the anus is to the vaginal opening.

You might be feeling something around now, especially after a general exploration of the clitoris. Good. When you’re turned on, the whole area changes. Blood flow causes the lips to inflate, the wrinkles to smooth out. The clitoris becomes erect, like a penis. It gets harder, redder, bigger. Note these changes.

Since you’re already down there, you might as well find the G-spot while you’re at it. For a clear map, turn the page to chapter 3.

The Elusive G-Spot, Located at Last!