THE BIG MOVE (Miami Hearts Book 2) (21 page)

              “I can’t tell you,” I said. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. It’s better that you didn’t know — and better, still, that we didn’t see each other anymore.”

              “Sol, I don’t care what you do for a living,” he said. “I don’t. It doesn’t bother me. Keep being an escort, if that’s what you want to do. Keep sleeping with people for money. It’s the oldest job in the world. It doesn’t matter to me. I would never bust you for that. I swear to God. Just be with me. That’s all I want. Just be with me.”

              “You don’t know what you’re asking,” I said. “I can’t tell you. You have no idea what it means to be with me. What trouble you’d get into if the truth ever got out. I can’t do that to you, Xander. Please. Don’t ask me to. I … I love you too much to hurt you like that.”

              There. It was out there. I loved Xander.

              Immediately, I knew it was a mistake to admit that. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it, and I knew that there wasn’t going to be a damn thing I could say to make him let go again. I’d made a huge error.

              “If we love each other, then nothing else matters,” he said. “I don’t care if you’re a drug lord, or a dictator, or enemy number one. I love you, and you love me. That’s the only thing that matters, Sol. Don’t you understand?”

              Could it be that simple? It seemed like a trick. Nothing was ever that simple, especially here in America.

              “I think I should go home,” I said, lowering my head and extricating my hands from his.

              “Sol …”

              “Please,” I said. “Please take me home.”

              He didn’t understand. Xander was a cop and he would have to forsake his duty in order to be with me. I didn’t want him to have to make that choice. I was poison to be with, and I was only trying to save him.

              “I can’t deny you anything,” he said, standing slowly from the table. “I just wish you could help me understand why you don’t think we can be together.”

              If I told him now, told him that I was from Honduras, that I was a human being who was considered illegal, would he understand that we couldn’t be together? Would he understand the implications it would have on his career, the threat to his reputation? Would it make him leave me alone?

              Would it make him report me to the immigration authorities? Would it set in motion the events that would lead to my eventual deportation — something that would be fatal for me?

              I kept my lips sealed shut and simply shook my head.

              “I would love you, no matter what,” he pressed, but I turned my back on him, walked myself to his convertible.

              The wind in my hair on the way home brought me no joy, and I was pretty sure the top down didn’t make Xander happy.

              We were breaking all the rules we’d set for ourselves.

If it had been heaven in every moment I’d spent with Xander in that special, dizzying time when a loving relationship first began, I was now firmly in hell. I’d been through hell, but this was a different place — a horrible place.

              I couldn’t be with him because he was a police officer. It had been police officers who had sent Antonio back to Honduras. I didn’t want to go back, not when I was so in love with Miami.

              Not when I was so in love with Xander.

              It was a terrible corner I’d been backed into. I loved Xander so much, and that was the reason I wanted to stay safe, to stay in Miami, to never be discovered for what I was. But now that I knew what he did for a living, I knew that I could never be with him, never give myself fully to him, and that wasn’t what love was. Love was complete honesty. Love was accepting the shortcomings of the person you were with. Love was facing down every challenge that might present itself.

              And honestly, Xander was probably the biggest challenge to me. He was now my biggest threat. He could hold the key to my future, the ability to boot me out of this country and send me back to Honduras.

              I didn’t know if he’d actually do it, follow the law and report me, like duty required of him. But I didn’t want to test him. I didn’t want to put him in that position.

              I loved him too much to do that to him.

              It was best that I never saw him again, but it was impossibly difficult. It hurt physically to not be with him. I craved him like a drug.

              Every time he called me, it was like a physical blow. It hurt until the buzzing of my phone stopped, and it hurt even more after that.

              Finally, I answered it.

              “Please, please stop calling me,” I begged him. “Please. You don’t understand why we can’t be together, and you never can. Please stop.”

              “I can’t stop until I understand,” he said, sounding like he was in pain. “Just tell me, Sol. Nothing can be this bad. Whatever you think is this bad, it’s not. Just tell me.”

              “Once I tell you, there’s no way we can go back,” I said. “It will be a mistake to tell you.”

              “Can’t we decide that together?” he asked. “Please. Give me a chance, Sol. Everything will be fine. I promise.”

              “How can you promise?” I demanded. “You just don’t know, Xander. Nothing will be fine if I tell you.”

              “You have to meet me halfway here, Sol,” he said. “We have to trust each other a little. What are we working with? You went cold when we were pulled over. You asked to leave the restaurant when you knew I was a cop. There’s something there, and you just need to tell me.”

              “Please don’t call me,” I muttered, and hung up the phone. He would never understand. He would never understand because I would never tell him.

              The shifts I’d begged off from the snack shop and the club became mine again after I begged to have them back.

              “What happened with the date?” Parker asked me in passing after I stayed late for the cleaning crew at the end of the night. I never did that anymore, preferring to spend time with Xander after his shift ended. What I hadn’t known, however, was that he’d just gotten off patrol, putting away people who were doing illegal things.

              People like me. I was the very definition of illegal.

              “I don’t think it’s going to work out,” I said, smiling and shrugging even as I felt my heart breaking. I couldn’t stand to be so flippant about it. I wanted desperately for it to work out, but it just couldn’t. We were from two different worlds, and they could never collide without smashing us both to bits.

              “You’re different, Sol,” Jennet observed as we organized a shipment of supplies on the shelves of the snack shop. “You’ve been so happy lately. I had loved what Xander’s doing to your mood, but you don’t seem happy anymore. Is everything all right with you two?”

              Jennet was my friend, but the last time I’d tried to be honest with her, I’d nearly blurted out everything.

              “Rocky patch,” I said, shoving a soda into the refrigerator more forcefully than I needed to.

              “The road to happily ever after is full of thorns,” Jennet commiserated. “You’ll get there, Sol.”

              But why did it feel like I’d never get there? The happily ever after that Jennet seemed to believe in unfailingly seemed well out of reach for me. Happily ever afters were only for real people, people who had a right to exist. Xander had made all that minutiae fall away, had made me believe that maybe I was more than simply a piece of paper and a stamp that said I was allowed to be here.

              And at the same time, I couldn’t trust him. It was maddening, mind-boggling, and the most frustrated I’d ever felt in my entire life.

              I went home late, eager to work myself into the stupor where all I had energy to do was collapse on the couch and sleep. I feared that I’d be plagued with sleeplessness, and doubt always invaded the long nights where I’d stare at the dark ceiling.

              Sleep wouldn’t come, of course, and I tossed and turned. One good thing was that I could maybe save enough money for a real bed, or a real apartment, even. Now that there was no ransom to pay. No migratory journeys to fund. Nothing else to do with my money except spend it on myself.

              I frowned. I realized that I’d been hearing a persistent ringing sound for nearly half a minute now. It didn’t fit in with the regular night sounds of Miami — the sirens, the engines gunning of drivers with too much testosterone, the wind through the palms when there weren’t any cars. The wind through the palms was nice, but this ringing didn’t fit into place.

              It was less of a ring than it was a jingle, like a little bell tinkling again and again. What the hell was going on? I checked my phone for the time — nearly four in the morning. I’d left the club more than an hour ago. All of the lights in my neighboring apartments were off, and I never heard anyone up this late.

              I rolled off the couch, kissing my chances for even a few minutes of sleep good-bye. Once I was up, I was up. I had too much trouble winding down. Maybe I could find something to clean in the apartment.

              But that damn ringing intrigued me as much as it grated on my nerves. What in the hell could that be?

              I sidled up to my window and peered through the blinds. The ringing was most definitely coming from outside.

              The last thing I was expecting was to see Xander standing down in the parking lot, a bicycle at either hand, resolutely mashing his fingers against the tiny little bells affixed to their handlebars.

              “Shut the fuck up!” someone from within the apartment complex roared, and I ducked down in panic. This wasn’t a great neighborhood, and I could see things quickly escalating if I didn’t get Xander to stop ringing those bells.

              I threw my door open and shushed him loudly. “What do you think you’re doing? Are you crazy?”

              “Crazy for you,” he said, continuing to ring the bells.

              “Stop that!” I scolded. “You’re keeping everyone awake. Don’t you know what time it is?”

              “It’s time for us to complete our bike tour,” he said. “I rented the bikes from the same vendor, got the same map. He told me I could keep the bikes out overnight for an additional fee.”

              “It’s four in the morning,” I said. “Now’s not the time to ride bikes.”

              “This is the time most motherfuckers are sleeping!” someone hollered. “For Christ’s sake!”

              “Seriously!” I hissed as Xander set his jaw and continued ringing. “You’re going to get your ass kicked, and maybe by me! Stop ringing those bells.”

              “Will you go on the bike tour with me tonight?” he asked, his fingers still mashing the buttons on the bells. They had to be tired.

              “You’re crazy,” I said. “Will you stop ringing the bells before someone murders you?”

              “I’ll stop ringing the bells if you agree to go with me, right now, on the bike tour,” he said.

              “Just fucking go with him, lady!” someone screamed.

              “I’ll go!” I said quickly. “Just stop, please!”

              The silence after all of that racket was almost deafening.

              “Just let me put some shoes on,” I said, hyperaware that probably every single person in this apartment complex was looking and listening.

              “I’ll be here,” he said, ringing the bell for emphasis.

              “She said she was going!” someone shouted.

              There was no traffic, just the wind in my hair as we pedaled off into the dark. Miami was a different place once the sun went down, a secret and magical place. It felt like we had the entire city to ourselves as we breezed through the traffic lights regardless of their color. The streets were empty. They belonged to us.

              Each rotation of the pedals on my bike helped ease my tension, erase the confusion over Xander’s sudden presence and his insistence on the bike tour. The strangeness of touring the nearly deserted city in the dead of night made all my other emotions drain away.

              Pedaling became the only thing that mattered.

              Xander and I rode in silence, as fast as we pleased, both of us agreeing on the same pace without saying a single word. I remembered the map, remembered the places we stopped first. There were fountains, historic buildings, statues, public art. When we reached the beach where we’d stopped that first afternoon, we pedaled on, Xander taking the lead. He was the one in control, now. He was the one with the map.

              The buildings glittered around us in the dark, their lights illuminated only for us. It was just as magical as I thought it would be, even more special because I knew that I loved Xander. I wasn’t free to love him, but I loved him all the same. I followed him through the intersections, down the side streets. I would follow him everywhere, if I could. I only wondered what his game was, why he was doing this.

              We rode until the sky purpled, until cars started appearing again on the streets, businesspeople and school children starting their days even as ours stretched on. We crossed a bridge and suddenly had unfettered views of the eastern horizon, lightening and melding colors I didn’t think any language had names for.

              We watched it, speechless, both of us slightly out of breath after our long ride.

              “Why the bike tour?” I finally asked, the glow of the sky continuing to brighten. The sun hadn’t made its debut, yet, but it was only a matter of time. “Why now? Why tonight?”

              “To remind you just how good it is when we’re together,” he said, looking at me. He was so beautiful in this light. It didn’t matter that sweat had soaked his shirt through. “We didn’t say a word to each other for hours, and it was just good to be together, wasn’t it?”

              “Of course it was,” I said. “I know we’re good together. That was never the issue, Xander. I love you. You know that.”

              “I know that, and yet I don’t know why we can’t be together,” he said. “It doesn’t make sense to me. You’re in trouble with the law, is the closest answer I can come up with. I’ve gone over it again and again in my mind. I even tried to search you in our databases at work, but you weren’t there. You don’t have a record.”

              “I try to be good,” I said, looking at him, my lips trembling. “But I just don’t deserve you, okay? Can we leave it at that?”

              “I refuse to leave it at that,” he said. “I want to spend this sunrise together with you, and then I want every sunrise after that. I want all of them. I’m a selfish motherfucker, Sol. That’s something you’re going to learn about me because we’re going to be together. You make me feel too good. You make me too happy for me to let go of you. I refuse to.”

              I laughed at him, tears running down my face as the sun broke the red line of the horizon, bathing us in its golden light.

              “You can’t have everything you want,” I said. “Or else I would have you. You’re all I want, but it’s simply impossible.”

              He kissed each tear from my face as they fell, covering my cheeks with the tiniest, gentlest kisses I’d ever gotten.

              “Your tears look like liquid gold in this light,” he said softly, rubbing his thumb against my cheek. “They’re too precious to waste on me, Sol. This is hurting you. I can’t bear to hurt you. If you can give me a good enough reason, I’ll leave you alone. I’ll do that for you. I can’t stand these tears, beautiful girl.”

              My broken heart was breaking anew. Just how many pieces was it capable of breaking into? It hurt so much. I loved this man so much, and he was agreeing that he needed to let me go.

              “I just really don’t understand it, and you need to make me understand so I can leave with no regrets,” Xander said. “I could never forgive myself if this was something I could help you fix. You just don’t have a record, Sol. I don’t understand what you’ve done to think you can’t be with me because I’m a cop.”