She went next to Edwina, finding Chandra near, and, with her most sympathetic smile, relieved Chandra of her chore. But Udele had no intention of personally guarding Edwina’s recovery as Chandra had. Instead she installed her own nurse to see to Edwina’s many needs.
In just a few hours Chandra felt many changes. She felt like a participant in one of her own dreams. Nothing seemed particularly real. The evening meal found Udele, gowned exquisitely, sitting at the right hand of her son and presiding over the crowded hall. Chandra rather sheepishly took a chair quite far from Conan, near Edythe. And Udele’s manner
s
eemed unusually gay for the premise of her journey: to care for her daughter by marriage after the loss of her child.
Chandra was not ignored by the great lady. Rather, Udele made quite a show of thanking her over and over again for her labors and praising her efficiency.
“
You have been detained long enough and I can see to Edwina now.”
When Chandra went to Edwina’s chamber after the eve
ning meal, she found she had been thoroughly removed and her belongings were put in a small, inferior chamber with Edythe’s things. The maids Chandra had brought were cast from their closets to make room for Udele’s servants. They were at odds as to what to do and in their confusion had placed their things with Chandra’s. Now they stood, four of them, in a room that could never accommodate them. Chandra sent her women on an insignificant errand, and when they were gone she turned to Edythe in a quandary.
“
Edythe, what am I to make of this?”
Edythe shrugged in embarrassed apology.
“
My mother is accustomed to having things her way.”
“
I do not think she hates me, yet I am being cast from my sister’s side, now that she is nearly recovered and there is little left to be done. I know that Conan sent word to his parents when the child was lost, yet I have been here for ten days and she has not come. If it is aid she wishes to give, why was she so long in coming?”
Edythe shook her head.
“
She saw no need when the message arrived with the sad news of the child. The second message prompted our journey here.”
“
The second message?” Chandra asked.
“
Conan sent word that you had arrived and were taking good care of Edwina. He reported that she was doing well and there was no longer any reason to fear for her.”
“
Then it is so?” Chandra half questioned.
“
She thinks it unfair that I am heavily tasked with my sister’s illness?”
“
Part of the reason perhaps,” Edythe offered.
Chandra stared at the younger girl in confusion.
“
I see the way my brother looks at you,” Edythe said gently.
“
Perhaps my mother has seen this also.”
Chandra felt the flush creep to her cheeks.
“
But she cannot fear that he would dishonor me!” she argued.
“
He is a good man and he is devoted to Edwina.”
“
I do not think that is her fear,” Edythe said.
“
But I think
i
t possible she fears you would be a greater influence on him. She has allowed no other that position, not even Father. She guards Conan’s decisions closely, when he will allow her.”
“
How can I influence him? How can I claim to be his friend and counsel? I am young and unmarried and of little experi
ence.”
“
If what I see in his eyes is true, he would listen to you. And what we have found in this hall does not speak of a lass of little experience. You manage as well as my mother ever has.”
Chandra held her gaze.
“
If I have worked hard and done well, why is it still impossible to please her?”
Edythe laughed softly.
“
Madam has no friends, Chandra, nor has she ever. I have seen her treat women of a higher station with care, but when they are gone she speaks unkindly of them. Madam holds herself above all women, and those who are her match she treats scornfully. I think perhaps she fears you.”
“
That cannot be so. There is nothing I can do to cause Udele to fear.”
“
You can give my brother your love. You can make him promises and urge him to give up all that he has acquired and take you for his own.”
“
And would I do such a thing?” Chandra asked in disbe
lief.
“
Can anyone imagine that I could shame my family, tear my sister’s love from her arms, and beg Conan to dishonor himself and shame his family? Edythe, if I loved him, would I do that to him?”
Edythe only shrugged by way of an answer, for she knew very well the desperation of love.
“
My mother envies youth and beauty and strength. Beware of her, Chandra. She will never let you near to what is hers.”
Chandra thought heavily, straining to recall every detail of her few brief encounters with Udele. She had admired the great lady from afar, Udele’s many strengths drawing Chan
dra’s attention and actually giving the young maid something to pattern herself after. Chandra had many times hoped she would be as Udele was: strong, capable, beautiful. She had never thought herself even near having those qualities. Even now, though what Edythe said was true and Udele seemed to scorn her and push her well out of Conan’s sight, she could not fathom the reasons. Chandra could do Conan no harm.
“
What will you do?” Edythe asked.
“
I will take myself home. And I will not come to my sister’s aid again. This is not my place.”
The sun set and was replaced by a bright moon, a sphere of ivory that escaped the drifting clouds to shine brightly upon the earth, giving moments of light to the darkness. Chandra asked many squires and attendants the whereabouts of Sir Conan and was finally directed to the stable. A lantern provided his light as he brushed down Orion, speaking softly to the beast as he tended him. Mars was on his nearby perch and was often the recipient of some comment or a light stroke of his feathers.
At the far end of the stable two squires sat polishing Conan’s armor and hammering out the dents. She watched in distracted interest, wondering what fight upon the road had earned those marks. The thought of him meeting an enemy and raising his sword in defense gave her a feeling of excitement and discomfort at once.
When she looked back to where he was working, his eyes were on her. She felt her stomach jump as it always did when he looked at her. His eyes held a warm glow, something she had not seen in a very long time. They had encountered each other only a few times since he took Edwina to wife, and in those meetings his eyes had been pained, reflecting the struggle between his honor and his desire. He did not frown at her now, but with careful slowness, he measured her form with his eyes from her toes to her brow. She shuddered with the cold, only now aware that she had no mantle to warm her against the chilly night. In her eagerness to have the matter behind her, she had come quickly to the stable.
Conan called the squires by name and they looked up to see Chandra standing just inside the door. He sent them from their chores and closed the door behind them. He was sure in his action and different somehow. He seemed older and, if possible, more determined.
“
You should not close the door, Sir Conan,” she said.
“
There could be too much curiosity in our privacy.”
“
There is curiosity in our every meeting. Don’t you know what echoes through my halls? Idle hands have quick eyes. They say I am in love with my poor wife’s sister.”
Chandra felt a boulder drop into the pit of her stomach. She was a fool to think even her most private feelings secret.
They were suspect and they had done nothing.
“
Now that my lady Udele is come, I shall leave. I have little to prepare. I can be upon the road as quickly as your men can travel.”
“
You do not have to go,” he said huskily.
“
If you choose to stay I will arrange it. It is only fair that you be allowed to see your sister’s complete recovery, if that is your desire.”
“
It is best that I go,” she said, looking at the ground.
“
Because you wish it or because you feel you are being cast from this house?”
“
Edwina will be well soon. I am not needed.”
He lifted her chin with a finger.
“
I am not concerned about Edwina. Do you wish to stay?”
“
So that they can say I am here for the few precious moments that I can share with my sister’s husband? Is there not trouble enough over my being here?”
“
Do not punish yourself, Chandra. This is not your fault and you have been strong.”
“
And my strength diminishes with each passing day. Nay, I beg of you, do not make it difficult for me. Give me escort home.”
“
Of course. It will be as you desire. You can ride on the morrow.”
She turned as if she would leave, but found he had her arm and was drawing her back to him. So swiftly that she could not stop him, he had locked her in his embrace.
“
Conan, nay, you must not hold me so. If someone
--
”
“
I will hear if anyone approaches,” he assured her.
“
But ‘tis wrong! You must not touch me so!”
“
Chandra,” he murmured, brushing her hair away from her face.
“
I am prepared to live with the ties I have made for myself, but I have wondered for too long. I must know if I am greedy in my heart and crying out like a babe for more wealth than I already have, or if there is something real between us.”
“
Nay, Conan, you must not.”
“
One kiss, I pray,” he said softly.
“
By the blood of God, I wouldst do you no harm and never would I soil you. One kiss, for that is all I may ever know of you.”
The soft and sure determination in his gaze showed her he suffered no confusion. She shook her head negatively, but he held her fast with his arms and eyes. She was certain she should not assent, but she could not find her reason. His touch and scent, his eyes, so loving and warm, gave her to
w
onder what harm there was in a kiss. Could the longing ever be more? The future any better or worse for a kiss? Slowly her eyelids dropped, and her mouth, half opened in expecta
tion, met his.
His arm tightened about her waist and her head dropped back to be cradled in his hand, her thick hair woven about his fingers. His sigh was deep as he consumed her with his kiss, his blood racing through his veins as he tasted response, so sweet and so welcome. He felt her quiver slightly and the inexperience of her lips made his fulfillment even greater. What he suspected was confirmed as he held her. Their love, given a chance, could rival the stars in its brightness.
With great reluctance he let her go, and she moved quickly away from him lest he be tempted to more. They both knew this one kiss had not only confirmed the heights their passion might reach, but the danger in being too close.
“
You must heed your words, Sir Conan,” she said, some
what shaken.
“
You must live with the ties you have made. You must never touch me so again.”
He looked at her with confidence.
“
I give you my word. I will not dishonor you. My love must never hurt you.”
“
With your permission I will leave at morningtide.”
“
I will advise my riders.”
Chandra reached for the stable door, though her hand was weak and it took every fiber of control to keep from running into his arms.
“
Chandra,” he said to her back. Weakly she turned and looked at him.
“
I will not touch you again, nor will I seek to weaken your resolve, so you need not fear me.” She shook her head and it was truth: she did not fear him. It was something growing within herself that she feared. Conan continued,
“
I may never again feel your lips close to mine, but be sure in your heart that my love is real and will endure. It will be impossible for me ever to love another woman as I love you.”
Tears came to her eyes, though she fought them.
“
Do not watch my departure, my lord,” she said with a tremor in her voice.
“
And do not fill your nights with dreams of what can never be.” With that said, she threw open the stable door and rushed into the night. The door, unlatched, banged in the wind. She did not return to close it and he did not move to secure it.
Soon there was nothing where she had stood
--
nothing but the wind causing the door to crash against the outer wall. He stared at the memory of her.
“
I will not watch you go, fair lady, for that would pain my heart. But I will savor my dreams. That is the only peace there is for me.”