The Blue-Haired Bombshell (23 page)

‘‘Are you, Mr. Johnson?’’ he asked.

‘‘Sure,’’ I shrugged. ‘‘If you want I can have everybody send you a Holiday e-card.’’

The apes and Mooners took a step back. They didn’t want to be nearby if Sputnik exploded.

‘‘Way to taunt your host,’’
HARV said.

HARV was right, I was taunting, well more like testing. I needed to see what Sputnik was made of, what made him tick. I wanted to gauge how easily he was thrown off his game, how seriously he took himself.

Sputnik looked at me with a tilted head. He smiled. ‘‘You’re a wise one, Mr. Johnson. You want to see how I will react.’’

I put my hands up in the universal ‘‘I don’t really know’’ position. He was onto me, but I wasn’t going to let him know that. Good P.I.’s are great bluffers. ‘‘Just letting you know that we appreciate the work the people of the Moon do, even if we don’t always say it.’’

Sputnik put his arm around me. Frankly, it made me uncomfortable, but I was on his turf so I gave him a little leeway.

‘‘Come,’’ he said. ‘‘Let us continue our tour of the Moon.’’

We started out of the building.

‘‘Just curious, where’s the
actual
deflector beam located?’’

‘‘It’s outside in the native area,’’ he answered as we went outside. ‘‘You should see it.’’

Sputnik and I walked to the vehicle and got in.

‘‘To the native area,’’ Sputnik ordered the ape driver.

I wasn’t thrilled with the sound of that.

The driver gave him a polite salute. An instant later the carriage was lifting off the ground. We rose higher and higher toward the top of the protective dome.

‘‘Where are we going?’’ I asked.

‘‘Don’t be a baby,’’ HARV said.

‘‘To show you what the people of Earth think of the Moon,’’ Sputnik told me.

As we rose higher and higher I noticed that the upper portions of the dome encompassing the city had wide openings. These openings led to long, wide pressurized tubes, kind of like circular see-through tunnels. As we entered one of the tubes a protective dome rose from the back of our carriage, closing on top of us.

‘‘We will be leaving the controlled environment in two Moon minutes,’’ a computerized voice said. ‘‘In case of emergency, you have a rapid deployment Moon suit under your seat,’’ the voice added.

Sputnik turned to me. ‘‘Yep, we even have a couple lawyers here on the moon.’’

‘‘So it’s not the perfect society,’’ I said.

Sputnik didn’t reply, but I could have sworn I noticed him grin ever so slightly.

Bursting out of the tube, our vehicle started gliding high above the lunar surface. The bumpy, rocky terrain was a stark contrast to the green, clean inner city. Honestly, I wasn’t sure which one I preferred. Sure I couldn’t breathe out here but the area still had a cold, natural look that appealed to me. HARV’s right—I do have a weird side.

Sputnik turned to me. ‘‘First, Mr. Johnson, I showed you what we here on the Moon think of our home. It’s an oasis for science, art, and thinking. Now, I am going to show you what Earth thinks of our home.’’

Lea leaned forward, ‘‘Father, Mr. Johnson doesn’t enjoy heights. Perhaps you should ask the driver to go lower.’’

Sputnik turned toward me. ‘‘Is this true?’’ He asked. ‘‘A big macho man like you, a hero, scared of heights?’’

‘‘Scared may be too strong a word,’’ I said slowly.

‘‘It’s true,’’ HARV said.

Lea leaned over to me. ‘‘If you want I can help you get over your fear. My sisters and I are all therapists.’’ She ran her hand gently up my arm. ‘‘I can help you,’’ she said out loud and in my head.

I took her hand and gently removed it from my arm. ‘‘That’s okay, I like my vulnerabilities. They add to my charm.’’

Lea looked up at me. ‘‘True.’’

‘‘Gag me,’’
HARV said in my head.

Looking at Sputnik he had about the same reaction, only he was trying hard not to let on. He wasn’t thrilled with the idea of his daughter paying so much attention to me. Not sure if it was because I was from Earth or because I wasn’t him. Whatever the case, Sputnik wasn’t happy and for some reason that made me happy.

Sputnik wasn’t the biggest scumbag I had dealt with in my career. DOS, he probably wasn’t even in the top ten. Despite that, I didn’t trust him or like him. Now I just had to figure out if that was because of an innate distrust of politicians and bureaucrats or something more sinister. If history held to form, it would be a combination of both.

Anxious to get my attention back on track, Sputnik pointed off in the distance.

‘‘That, Mr. Johnson, is how most of Earth thinks of the Moon.’’

We were kilometers away from the object of Sputnik’s scorn, yet I plainly saw it coming into view. It was a giant mound of toxic waste holding barrels.

‘‘Why do you light it up?’’ I asked.

Sputnik shook his head. ‘‘It glows on its own a little,’’ he said, ‘‘but we light it so we never forget what Earth really thinks of us.’’

‘‘Oh . . .’’ I said.

‘‘We charge the lighting fees back to the World Council,’’ Aprill added, showing that she could talk.

‘‘We call it a maintenance fee,’’ Windee snickered.

‘‘Glad to know you girls find pleasure in the Earth using us as their garbage dump,’’ Sputnik scolded.

The girls sank back into their seats. ‘‘Sorry, Daddy.’’

‘‘We’re just making the best of a bad situation,’’ Lea said.

‘‘Besides, it’s toxic waste, not garbage,’’ HARV said appearing from my communicator.

I was relieved to see HARV giving another human a hard time for once.

‘‘Earth has been recycling its garbage for decades now,’’ HARV said.

We closed in on the mountain of toxic waste. It was a monument to something, I just wasn’t sure what. It towered over every other structure on the Moon, blue barrel piled on top of blue barrel.

Sputnik grinded his teeth. ‘‘Earth could recycle their toxic waste if they wanted. They’ve just deemed the process non-cost-effective.’’

‘‘That sounds like something the World Council would come up with,’’ I said.

HARV squinted his eyes at me. ‘‘Whose side are you on?’’ he asked.

‘‘My own.’’

‘‘The point is,’’ Sputnik said, ‘‘Earth treats us like toxic waste.’’

‘‘Oh please,’’ HARV said, rolling his eyes. ‘‘You’re an administrator; you of all people should appreciate trying to save a few billion credits.’’

‘‘With all due respect, Mr. HARV,’’ Lea said. ‘‘You aren’t even human.’’

HARV patted her on the head. ‘‘Silly human. You don’t have to be a fish in a tank to know what a fish in a tank is feeling.’’

As frustrating as this was for Lea and Bo Sputnik, this wasn’t even close to the strangest conversation I had ever had with HARV.

‘‘Please,’’ Sputnik said to HARV. ‘‘She is more than human. She and her sisters and the occasional brother are the next steps in human evolution.’’

HARV crossed his arms and dug in. ‘‘Perhaps, but they are still a couple rungs down the evolutionary ladder from me.’’

‘‘You have to forgive HARV,’’ I coaxed, taking on the unfamiliar role of peacemaker. ‘‘He doesn’t always play well with others.’’

HARV looked up, rolled his eyes, and sighed. ‘‘You only need to play well with others if you need those others to cooperate with you. I have no need of that.’’

‘‘HARV, what the DOS are you trying to do here?’’
I thought at him.
‘‘You’re acting more antagonistic than normal.’’

‘‘True,’’
HARV thought back.
‘‘Might be something about the Moon’s atmosphere that alters my chip circuits. I kind of like it.’’

‘‘Yeah, but you’re going get me launched into space,’’
I said.

HARV thought for a nano.
‘‘I’ll try to behave.’’

I decided to try to force the topic of conversation back to something more useful or, at the very least, less damaging. ‘‘I thought you were going to show me where the deflector beam is based?’’

Sputnik shook his head. ‘‘Sorry, that’s classified.’’

‘‘Then why did you bring it up?’’ I asked.

‘‘I only vaguely alluded to it,’’ Sputnik said.

‘‘But . . .’’

‘‘Mr. Johnson, if I told you I wanted to bring out to the surface of the Moon to show you toxic waste, I think you would have put up much more of a fuss.’’

He was right. Mounds and mounds of toxic waste wasn’t high on my must-see list under the best of circumstances. Flying above it on the dark side of the Moon made it even less appealing.

Without any warning, our vehicle rocked violently, juggling us all about. Except of course for HARV, who adjusted his signal so he remained steady.

‘‘Another advantage of being a hologram,’’ HARV noted.

It wasn’t hard to notice that the vehicle had stopped moving forward. Sputnik reached over slapping the ape driver’s shoulder.

‘‘What’s going on?’’ he ordered.

The ape just shrugged, taking both hands off the steering wheel.

‘‘Hold on the wheel, fool,’’ Sputnik shouted.

The ape made some hand movements.

‘‘What do you mean you’re not controlling the craft?’’ Sputnik asked.

On those words the craft lurched forward and started twisting its way toward the Moon’s surface at about a ninety degree angle.

Not good. Not good at all.

Chapter 24

With our vehicle hurling toward the ground, the computer auto voice came on.

‘‘Warning, rapid decent noticed, please activate your Moon surface suits.’’

I felt under my seat. My hand touched a button.

‘‘Just position your feet in the glowing footpads,’’ Lea said pointing down to the floor, ‘‘then activate the button under your seat. The suits will do the rest.’’

I did as directed. I placed my feet on the foot-shaped patterns on the floor I hadn’t noticed before. It wasn’t easy, as our craft was quickly spiraling toward the ground. Reaching under my seat, I pressed the first button my finger felt. A skin-tight coating started wrapping itself up my body.

‘‘Wow, cool use of intelligent nano fabrics,’’ HARV said watching the fabric encase my body.

Sputnik couldn’t have been glowing more if he had swallowed some of that toxic waste down below us, though, unfortunately, no longer that far below us. ‘‘Invented by Moon scientists,’’ he said proudly. ‘‘They apply quickly and let us survive on the surface of the Moon for thirty minutes; more than ample time for rescue teams to find us.’’

‘‘Just great,’’ I said. ‘‘All we have to do is survive the impending crash.’’

‘‘I suggest we all buckle in,’’ Lea said. ‘‘The ride down is going to be rough.’’

That girl had a gift for understatement. Our vehicle was shaking, vibrating, and spinning as it plunged toward the ground. The gorilla pilot was wrestling with the controls, trying to slow our descent. If it was helping, it wasn’t helping a lot.

Looking out over the side of the vehicle I could see the lunar surface spinning closer and closer to us. Actually, we were the ones spinning and getting nearer to the surface, but it sounds so much more dramatic the other way around.

DOS, this was going to be ugly. Despite the best efforts of the driver and the psis onboard, our craft hadn’t slowed down nearly enough to enable us to survive a crash. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted something, no, some
body
, some very shapely body.

‘‘Do you see what I think I see?’’ I asked HARV.

He zoomed in on the image. There, standing defiantly on the surface, fists and head raised to the sky, was Elena. She was wearing a short purple dress accented by purple high heels. Her hair was also now tinted purple. I didn’t know if this was a good sign or a bad sign. I was pretty certain that Elena was mentally pulling our vehicle to the ground, which meant we weren’t going to crash unless she wanted us to crash. That didn’t mean we weren’t all going to die.

Lea noticed Elena before I had a chance to point her out to the others.

‘‘Elena is here,’’ she said softly. ‘‘She is the one behind this.’’

‘‘That bitch!’’ Windee said. ‘‘This is not sisterly at all.’’

‘‘Either is calling her a bitch,’’ Aprill pointed out. ‘‘She just has issues.’’ Aprill looked down on Elena. ‘‘You gotta admit she has a subzero sense of style.’’

Windee nodded. ‘‘I do love those pumps she’s wearing.’’

‘‘Ah, if one psi is pulling us to the ground, why can’t three psis push us away?’’ I asked.

‘‘Normally we could,’’ Lea said. ‘‘Only Daddy’s personalized vehicle is equipped with internal psi dampers. Our powers are very restricted while we are in here. Much too restricted to counteract Elena.’’

I looked at Sputnik.

He looked back at me. ‘‘Hey, a man with seven mind-reading wives can never be too careful!’’ he said.

All we could do now was ride out the rest of the trip to the surface, hoping it wasn’t Elena’s intent to crash us. We continued plummeting toward the ground, picking up more and more speed the closer we came. It was starting to look very much like Elena did plan on crashing us.

‘‘Interesting,’’ HARV said.

‘‘What?’’ I said, grasping to my seat.

‘‘Computing our current direction, velocity, and altitude, we appear to be heading to crash directly into Elena.’’

‘‘So this so some of weird murder-suicide?’’ I asked.

Lea shook her head. ‘‘No, that doesn’t match Elena’s psych profile.’’

‘‘Psych profiles can be wrong,’’ I said, holding on for dear life.

‘‘Let’s hope it’s not,’’ Lea answered.

We were now so close to the ground that I clearly saw Elena standing just hundreds of meters directly below us. Racing closer and closer toward the ground, we all braced for impact. The girls closed their eyes. I had to watch. If this was going to be it, I wanted to see it coming. If this wasn’t going to be it, I needed to see what Elena was going to do.