Ria could see the flood of questions flicker across Chitra’s face as she looked from Vikram to her, taking in every detail of their appearance. Ria watched her note every wrinkle on Vikram’s
sherwani,
every hair out of place on Ria’s head.
What kind of whore opens her legs at such a young age?
Ria’s hands turned clammy and she itched to wipe them on her sari. She had to get away. Get out of this corridor, this hotel, this godforsaken country. Get as far away from everything as she could.
It was over. The wedding would be over in a few hours. Nikhil and Jen would be gone in a few days. There was no reason for her to stay another two days as planned. She would convince Uma and Vijay to come and spend time with her in Mumbai, the way they had done in the past. Nikhil and Jen would have to come there to see her too. She was never, ever coming back here again.
“Hello, Ria,” Chitra said, noticing her son’s expression and finding her voice. “I didn’t know you were coming to the wedding.”
“How could Ria not come to Nikhil’s wedding, Ma?” Vikram said.
Because she thinks she got rid of me forever.
“All I was saying is that Uma always whines about how the girl never visits anymore. I thought she was too busy with her . . . um . . . career.” Chitra said the word as if it sullied her mouth to say it.
“You were supposed to be here yesterday, Ma. Talk about pot calling the kettle black,” he said, his voice fond but distant the way it always was when he spoke to his parents. If he sensed the tidal undercurrents rising between Chitra and her he chose to ignore them and turned his focus on Ria instead, hiding nothing of his feelings. “Of course Ria’s busy. She’s a
film star
.” He said the word the way Ria said it, and tried to smile his teasing smile.
If she stood here for another moment she knew she would pass out from the pain in her heart. “I have to go. I don’t want to miss the garland exchange.” She sounded desperately close to tears. Vikram took a step closer to her. She could sense the worried frown on his face. He was about to take her hand, but she jumped away from him, stumbling backward and almost tipping over the flower arrangement behind her. “Seriously, I have to go. Right now.” Her voice came out high-pitched and out of control.
Chitra’s eyes went round with shock. She stared at Ria as if she were already a raging lunatic and the dislike in her eyes turned to pure, unadulterated fear.
That was it. Ria couldn’t take it anymore. She shoved Vikram aside and squeezed past Chitra and darted away, not looking back when Vikram called out her name. The panic in his voice tore into her heart and she sped up.
26
R
ia didn’t stop until she reached the banquet hall where the wedding was taking place. It wasn’t time for the garland exchange yet. The Giving Away the Bride ceremony had just begun, where Uma and Vijay would welcome Jen into the family in the presence of everyone they held dear. Matt was going to give Jen away. He wore a
kurta
and loose
salwar
pants. Mindy stood nearby in a sari. And next to her stood her son, Drew. Even with his thinning hair and traditional Indian clothes, Ria recognized him instantly. Fortunately he was busy taking pictures with a humungous camera slung around his neck, and she didn’t have to talk to him.
“This is Kayla, Ria, Drew’s wife.” Mindy introduced her daughter-in-law. “And this is McKenzie, our granddaughter.” Mindy turned to the baby perched on Kayla’s hip and her voice turned gooey.
McKenzie drooled onto a frilly bib that protected her frothy pink dress. Her chubby baby thighs squeezed around her mother. She gave Ria a wide, two-toothed smile and gripped her mother tighter. Ria tried to lift her hand and touch McKenzie, ruffle her hair, squeeze her cheeks, do something people did when they saw babies. But she couldn’t. Her arms wouldn’t move.
I want as many just like her as I can have.
She tried to pull a smile across her face like she had done a million times before, but all she could manage was a nod.
The priest asked Vijay and Uma to join hands and directed Matt to place Jen’s hand in theirs, and everyone’s attention shifted to the altar. Jen’s hand trembled with emotion and Uma gave it the slightest squeeze and Vijay smiled at her in his reassuring way. A promise passed between the three of them, wrapping itself around them. Uma and Vijay led Jen to their side of the altar, repeating their vows after the priest in chaste, unaccented Sanskrit, promising to give their new daughter-in-law a place of love and respect in the family. A promise Ria knew they would never break.
Ria squeezed next to Uma as she sat cross-legged in front of the fire for the next set of rites, getting as close to Uma as she could, in desperate need of her warmth. Uma unconsciously put her arm around Ria and pulled her close and continued to follow the priest’s directions without pausing.
Vikram sat down next to her. His heat, his smell, punched her in the gut and laid her flat even before his warm hand pressed into her back. Her stomach clenched and pain cramped through her like a disease. She couldn’t bear it. She pushed into Uma, wishing she could disappear into her softness. Vikram’s hand caressed her back, trying to get her attention, trying to get her to look at him. But she just couldn’t do it.
His mother stood a few feet away, talking to his father. Two faces in a sea of faces. Ravi Jathar was even taller than his son, but lean as a beanpole with thick gray hair and the air of a man completely in command of himself and his world. It was like looking at a future version of Vikram. Ria’s already aching heart crumpled in her chest.
Ravi had to bend almost in half to let his wife speak into his ear. Every few minutes Chitra threw a glance at her and Ria knew they were discussing her.
Had he been part of Chitra’s ambush all those years ago? Was that what they were discussing now?
You remember Uma’s crazy sister-in-law? . . . The one who burned their house down and killed her husband? . . . That’s their daughter.... Uma’s charity case . . . The pathetic kid who used to hang around Vikram all the time. . . . The one who tried to trap him when he was young and stupid and too generous for his own good.
The one who took him away from us. The one who almost ruined his life.
Vikram cupped her elbow and the room spun.
“Ria, we need to talk, please,” he whispered into her ear. She heard the pleading tremor in his voice and closed her eyes against a fresh wave of shame. She pulled her arm away and withdrew farther into herself. “No,” she whispered, shaking her head, not looking at him. “I want to be here for the garland ceremony. It’s about to start.”
“Okay,” he said stiffly. “But I need to know what’s going on.” He should have sounded angry, furious, but instead he sounded confused and helpless. As if they were having a lover’s tiff. As if she were just some normal girl having a normal meltdown that he needed to get past.
God, what had she done? Somehow it was worse this time. This time she had no excuse. This time she had known exactly what she was doing. This time they had gone too far.
Her cell phone was in Uma’s bag. She pulled it out and texted DJ.
Before the garland ceremony had begun she was booked on that night’s flight out of Chicago.
Ria had been looking forward to the garland ceremony more than any other ritual. It was when Jen and Nikhil would finally become husband and wife. But when the time came for them to actually exchange the heavy rosebud garlands, Ria was beyond all feeling. Everything around her had started to pass by in a numb haze. She obsessively shadowed Uma, who instinctively kept her close, not asking any questions. Why hadn’t this woman given birth to her? Why hadn’t she been the one to give her life?
Ria remembered asking Uma that question as a child.
Uma Atya, why can’t you be my aie? Why does Nikhil get you? Why not me?
I’ll tell you a secret,
Uma had said, kissing her forehead and touching her heart.
Inside my heart, right here, I am your aie. You
are
mine.
And she was. Uma’s smell, her feel, it was the only thing that could keep Ria sane right now. One thought about anything else, any of the things Viky and she had done to each other, any of the things she had felt would drive her over the edge. She followed Uma as they went from ritual to ritual until finally, Ria found herself standing behind Nikhil as he stepped up to the final act that would make him a husband.
Nikhil stood across from Jen, separated from her by an intricately woven shawl. Vikram held one end of the shawl up and Vijay held the other, stretching it taut into a curtain. Nikhil and Jen stood on two sides of it, unable to see each other, separated and single for the last time, clasping the thick garlands in their hands, waiting. All their friends and family stood around them in waves of exuberant color radiating across the hall, saffron-stained rice grains cupped in their palms.
The
shehnai
flutes started wailing and the priest started singing the wedding song. Verse by verse. Every time he came to the chorus his voice crescendoed on the words.
“It’s here, the most auspicious of moments. Be aware! Be alert! Be prepared!”
As he sang out the warning, the guests showered rice on the couple, the rice taking the form of their blessings and falling like raindrops on their hair, their shoulders, their feet, blessing them with fertility and prosperity and all the joys that joining together would bring.
Finally after the last verse, after the last call to “Be aware! Be alert! Be prepared!” Vikram and Vijay Kaka lowered the curtain and Nikhil and Jen exchanged garlands. Ria was shaking, the moment so powerful, its force so indelible, that it filled the room. Uma, all the aunties, Mindy, even Vijay Kaka, everyone had tears in their eyes. And just like that it was done.
The newlyweds moved around the room bending over to touch the elders’ feet and seek blessings for the first time as a married couple, seeking blessings as one. When the blessings were done, the guests descended on the couple, hugging and kissing and congratulating. By the time Ria reached them, Nikhil and Jen looked love-worn and drunk on happiness. Nikhil lifted Ria off her feet as she hugged him and twirled her around. Jen pulled her close and whispered something that sounded like concern in her ear. But Ria didn’t hear her.
Ria heard nothing. She felt nothing but the huge choking lump in her throat. But she couldn’t cry. One single tear would drown her. She knew it would. She kissed Nikhil’s forehead and he beamed at her with glistening eyes as though all his dreams had finally come true. How so much pain and such happiness could fit in the tiny space inside her, Ria didn’t know. But everything receded behind a fog and sped by in a blur. Through it all Vikram watched her, tried to get close to her. She felt his eyes on her like his touch, hot and demanding. She didn’t look at him once. She couldn’t.
When the guests headed out to the patio for lunch, Vikram tried again to draw her aside, grabbing her arm when she tried to get away, weaving his arm around her waist, trying to lead her away from the crowd. But the crowd had grown too thick and Ria easily found someone to interrupt them, to shield her from him. His eyes pierced her, sought answers. His soft, slowly eroding voice called her, but he couldn’t reach her. She was too far gone. Too dead to feel anything when he touched her. Too dead to feel anything ever again.
As soon as he got busy helping Vijay with something, she slipped away from the hall, crossing the sprawling hotel in search of an exit, desperately in need of air. She pushed through the heavy door and out into the open. Redbrick terraces led down to the swimming pool. She made her way down the disjointed steps to the edge of the pool. The smell of chlorine filled the air, acrid and pungent. The pool water gleamed an unnatural placid blue, undisturbed by swimmers. There wasn’t a single person in sight. It was too cold for a swim. Relief flooded through Ria and she sucked in a breath, welcoming the burn of chlorine into her lungs, welcoming the sting of the cold on her bare shoulders.
“Can I have a word with you?” Chitra came up behind her. What was it with mother and son sneaking up on her like that? Ria closed her eyes and begged for mercy. She couldn’t think of anyone she wanted to see less right now. She couldn’t think of one single person she wanted to see less of for the rest of her life.
Dredging up every ounce of strength she had left, Ria opened her eyes and turned around to face Chitra. The yellow silk of Chitra’s sari blazed against the blue of the pool. “I’ve had all the words I can handle from you. I can’t do this right now.” She started walking back toward the door.
“How are you feeling these days?” Chitra asked as if Ria hadn’t spoken.
Ria kept walking, Chitra hot on her heels. “You showed up two hours before the wedding—shouldn’t you be more concerned with how Nikhil and ‘that girl he’s marrying’ are doing?” Ria said over her shoulder. “Her name is Jen, by the way. And she’s a doctor, so we have the intelligence in her genes covered. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing if there’s any insanity in her gene pool—she was adopted.” Ria finally stopped, because getting away from Chitra was proving impossible. Chitra showed every intention of chasing her down. Ria knew only too well how that would turn out.
“Who Nikhil marries is Uma and Vijay’s problem, not ours,” Chitra said in her smug, perfectly polished voice. “Vic, on the other hand, is our only son. What were you doing with him when I caught you?”
How could those eyes, those very same eyes, be this cruel, this hateful?
“Didn’t you tell me once that you came from a line of intellectuals fifteen generations deep? You figure it out.”
“Wow, quite a tongue you’ve sprouted. Who would’ve thought.” The woman actually had the gall to look impressed.
Ria clasped her hands tightly together, trying to keep from running her fingers through her hair, trying to keep from pulling her hair out, trying to keep from letting Chitra see the uncontrollable shaking in her fingers. “It’s been ten years,” she said. “Did you expect me to be the same easy target?”
Chitra laughed. There wasn’t even the slightest hint of doubt in her voice when she spoke. “You’re the exact same person you were back then. Don’t think just because you’ve garnered some cheap fame and money that anything has changed. Nothing has changed. I just wanted to make sure you knew that.”
Ria’s heart started to hammer. Her breath turned hot. She welcomed the rage that collected in her belly like lava and rose up inside her. This woman had pounded her into the ground on the saddest day of her life, and now here she was to finish the job. And Ria wanted to laugh at the timing of it.
“You’re right. Nothing’s changed,” Ria said. “You’re still the heartless witch you were back then. Are you going to threaten me again? Threaten to disown your own son if you can’t control him?”
The words didn’t make even a dent in Chitra’s smugness. “It isn’t about control. It’s about protecting my child. I’m his mother. But how would you know? How would you know anything about how a mother feels?”
Ria’s knees buckled, but she’d die before she let Chitra see it. “I might have had a mother who feels nothing for me, but at least my mother didn’t crush my dreams and then act like she was doing me a favor.”
“I crushed Vic’s dreams? Was I the one who lured him in? Used my body to trap him? Was I the one who ruined his career? Almost ruined his life?” How could the woman’s voice be this calm, this controlled, when she was spewing such venom?
“You threatened to cut off all ties with your son if I stayed with him. You threatened to disown him, to never see his face again. As if he were a sick pet you could put down and forget about. You threatened to take everything away from him when he needed you the most.”
“He needed us? Or you needed us? And it worked, didn’t it? Without our support, you didn’t want him either. Where did your love go then? Who wants a penniless boy when you can have fame and fortune, right?”
Ria was shaking too hard now and she didn’t care if Chitra saw it. “Fame and fortune?” she asked, her voice trembling. “Fame and fortune?” she repeated the words, spitting them out and throwing them up in the air as if they were hot coals she was trying to juggle. Her voice turned more and more high-pitched with each rendition. Chitra took a step back.
“If fame was what I wanted, you think I needed to leave Vikram for it? If fortune was my dream, you think Vikram would have stood in my way? He wouldn’t have left me no matter what I wanted to be. He would’ve stood by me no matter what.”