The Book of Lies (32 page)

Then I heard Nic's voice. ‘You should've been there – she blamed me for everything!'

‘It's not her fault.'

‘It is!'

‘Where are we going?' asked Lisa (I could see her skinny outline). ‘I'm cold, this is stupid.'

Nic was still drinking – the boys had stolen bottles of homebrew and she swung one around and skipped between the trees. Was it just me, or did she stare into the trees like she was imagining an audience?

I told myself that there were enough people mucking about and making noise that I'd never get noticed, and I was also a good way off, but I was also terrified that Jason would do one of his demented sprints in my direction. I was almost relieved when it started to rain. Paul suggested they all go back to the car park and a lot of the boys agreed. Pete and Nikki headed off first, but Nic was being stroppy and calling someone ‘booo-rrrring'. I wasn't going to stick around. I pulled up my hood and climbed out of the ditch, and practically crawled my way through mud and soggy leaves to the wall that runs beside the White House.
⁶⁶
Then I used it to guide me down towards the cliff paths. I could go left and head for the Clarence Batterie, or I could go right and end up at the Moorings or Fermain.

I'm not going to pretend that I stopped to think about it. I headed for Town because it was quicker, downhill, and the path's less overgrown. The rain was getting heavier, but I didn't run because I didn't want to slip in the mud, and I had to be careful of the nasty tree roots trying to trip me up. At one point I imagined they were human hands pulling me down.

(I'm good at scaring myself silly.)

I never normally go out on the cliffs at night, it's really just too creepy, and I got so freaked out that I pulled down my hood just to make sure I could see and hear better. And even though I didn't hear anything I was worried there was someone behind me. My heart was going clappety-clap and I lumbered along as fast as I could. I thought about climbing off the path and into the bushes but I worried what was in the bushes. The wind was whipping through the trees and making funny shadows. I kept slipping in the mud and nearly fell twice, and then, I promise you, I heard someone call out. I'm sure I did.

I was thinking the Nazi Zombies were going to come and eat me alive, or the lost souls of poor slave workers were going to chase me off the cliff. But on I went, through the cold and the wet, looking straight ahead. Thank God it wasn't much further to the Batterie. I saw the big white sign with the red exclamation mark that warned visitors about the cliffs. Then the undergrowth thinned out – there were no more spooky trees or mud slides, and everything was flat and familiar. I stopped, breathed, and tried to calm down. Then I stood up straight and looked around at the benches and the bunkers, and out at the big, wide open sea.

I'd never been down to the Batterie at night before and it was almost romantic. I could just make out the lights on Herm and the floodlit ramparts of Castle Cornet down in Town. I want to take Michael there to show him how beautiful it looks. I was probably even thinking about him as I leaned against the middle bench. I felt so much better, despite the rain, and I forgot everything for a second. Then I turned back around, looking for some shelter.

She came straight at me out of the darkness. I saw the bottle first, then her face. I don't know why I was surprised. Of course it was Nic.

‘You going to jump?'

She hit me first in the stomach but I lifted my arm to protect myself, then I reversed around the bench so that it blocked her.

‘You followed me.'

‘I thought
you
were following
me
. I saw you in the bushes. Ha! I knew you couldn't resist!'

I glared at her. I was terrified.

‘Why are you doing this?'

She came round the bench and lunged at me. I remember reaching out for the bottle but she was grabbing my wrist and twisting it back.

‘Why not?'

If I'd managed to get away I might've run but Nic wasn't letting go, and she could run faster anyway. We tussled back and forth and I hit my elbow on the edge of the bench. Nic dropped the bottle to get a better hold on me, and I swung about, hoping to shake her off. I was thinking that Jason and Pete would turn up at any minute and I'd be done for. I could hear the sea way down below us.

‘Please!' I said. ‘Stop!'

I was feeling so helpless, but I pushed her as hard as I could. She fell back and nearly sat down on the bench. That's when I got my bearings and saw the bottle on the ground. I reached down to grab at it. I remember thinking I should smash it against something hard and then use the jagged bottleneck with proper Deadly Intent. But before I got anywhere near it Nic was up and at me, and we were back to all the shoving and spinning stuff again.

I wasn't sure what we were fighting for. At one point I know she had her arms wrapped tightly around me and she obviously wanted to knock me off my feet. How I kept myself upright I don't know. I also don't know where she got her energy. I was gasping and spluttering. The wind was getting stronger and I had to blink away the rain. I was on a mental cliff edge, but I couldn't see the real cliff edge. She wanted to throw me off it (I'm sure) so I kept trying to drag us both away and back towards the path.

‘Stop it! You'll kill us both!' I told her.

‘I hate you!' was all she replied.

Neither of us was giving up.

What's the last thing I remember? I can't be sure. Maybe it was Nic calling me a ‘Stupid-Fucking-Bitch'. She was behind me with one arm around my neck. I shut my eyes and wondered what to do. I wasn't strong enough to keep on fighting. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't turn around. There was really only one thing left to do, which was the one thing Nic didn't expect. I pulled my elbows in and dug deep into her sides, throwing my whole body into reverse, ramming us both backwards. You have to understand I just wanted to get free. I don't think I realised we were so close to the edge and by then I didn't care.

I heard myself shriek from the effort, and that's it. Suddenly Nic wasn't holding on to me anymore and I was spinning round and falling onto grass. I was soaked through and gasping for breath, but alone. Completely alone. As I sat up I realised how close I was to the cliff edge. I quickly pulled myself back a few inches. The lights on Herm had disappeared. I stared out at the blackness and reminded myself to breathe. Then I looked to my left and to my right. Nic had gone, but where had she gone? I didn't understand at first, and then, when I realised, I was just too scared to look. The cliff was there, right in front of me. A sheer, dead drop. I checked all around, saw the shape of the benches behind me, and slowly I leaned forward, digging my fingers into the soggy earth. I called Nic's name. Nothing came back. There were flashes of white foam rising up out of the darkness, then vanishing as quickly.

I couldn't stand up so I crawled towards the nearest bench and pulled myself onto it. My teeth started chattering like those wind-up toys you get in Christmas crackers. I hugged myself and waited. It was too unbelievable. Had Nic gone over the cliff? She must've done. But I couldn't understand why we hadn't fallen together. She'd been holding me so tightly.

Then I decided Nic wasn't dead at all. I looked over my shoulder to check she wasn't about to jump out at me. I called for her to stop mucking about. I even laughed. After about ten minutes I went and rattled the padlocks on the tunnel entrance.

‘Come on!' I screamed. ‘I've had enough!'

You can't blame me for thinking it was all some stupid stunt. I half-imagined Jason and Pete or even Pagey would come out of the bushes, going ‘Ha-ha, Fatso!' Nic could've faked all of it, she could've done! So I told myself it was a joke. I sat, huddled next to the tunnel entrance, and I waited for someone to deliver the punchline.

I waited and waited. I didn't know what to do so I didn't do anything. The world went blank. I was numb with cold and shock. The only thing I remember was thinking about Mum and Dad and how easy it was to die. I was crying, most definitely, when I finally headed back along the path. I still didn't understand how it had happened, so how could I explain it to anyone else? People would think I'd hurt Nic on purpose because she'd bullied me – no one would believe it was self-defence. I wasn't even sure if it had been. What had I done? Had I done it? I was probably hysterical. I was terrified. I went home.

I did think about waking up Mum when I got in, but it was long past midnight and I couldn't think what to tell her. She'd said things were getting back to normal and look what I'd gone and done! I sat on the landing and listened to the rain, and the longer I waited the worse I felt. I thought I was going to be sick. Then I tried to pretend nothing had happened. Perhaps I'd got things muddled and dreamed it all. I wondered if I was going demented like Grandma.

It was early morning when I crept into the bathroom. That's when I saw that I'd gashed my elbow badly, plus there were marks on my ribs and my tummy. I knew I'd be bruised because I bruise so easily, and those bruises were the proof. I
had
fought Nic. I
had
been there. But when I looked at my face it was no different. I had the same small eyes and podgy face. No scratches or cuts. I could cover up my elbow as easily as Dad had covered up his hand. No one need know.

I looked at my face in the mirror for a long time that night and I managed to convince myself that everything would be OK. I went into my bedroom and got undressed. As I pulled on my nightie I pretended it was any other winter's night, with the wind howling outside and me all warm and cosy. I lay back on the pillows and stared at the ceiling. It
was
self-defence. I'd never wanted a fight and I'd begged Nic to stop. She'd thrown herself at me. There was nothing else I could've done.

There didn't seem much point in telling people after that. They didn't need to know the whole grisly truth, which would surely just cause a lot more pain. It's the worst thing in the world to watch someone die in front of you, knowing you can't help them. It's the sort of thing you want to deny for as long as possible, maybe for ever. Right, Mum?

Therese and Mr Prevost didn't even worry when Nic stayed out all of Saturday night – it was only on Sunday evening that they called around Nic's friends, although they can't have been that desperate because they never called me. When Nic didn't show up at school on Monday morning Mrs Perrot made A Special Announcement. Everyone thought Nic had run away.

‘If any of you know anything,' she said, ‘will you please come and tell me?'

Lisa was looking worried and Vick was looking sick. There was an electric buzz of chatter at lunchtime, but I steered clear of it. Then I saw the police car outside the staff offices and some of the girls from Vicky's party were called in by Mrs Perrot.

Nic's body was washed off the rocks and a fisherman had picked her up with his lobster pots that very afternoon. They couldn't work out what had happened, but everyone said Nic was drunk and then a blood test proved how much. Fortunately alcohol hangs around in the blood for ages, unlike Insulin, which is absorbed by the body after only eight hours. (Yes. I've done my research.)

There are plenty of things I can never be sure of, but I do know Nic was drunk when she attacked me, and she was a mean drunk and therefore capable of murder. Maybe she'd have fallen anyway, on account of her reckless nature. Maybe it was
Karma
. Donnie had always talked about Karma – i.e. you reap what you sow. Dad thought Karma was rubbish and that you couldn't choose your Fate because History had already dictated it. Either way, I never wanted Nic to die and sometimes I wish I'd died with her, and I still don't know why I didn't.

Maybe
that
was Karma. But if it was, doesn't that mean something bad will need to happen to me? Isn't that inevitable? Isn't that my Fate?

24TH DECEMBER 1985
,
7
p.m.

[Dad's study]

So now you know everything. This is it. The End. You probably think I'm mad or really horrible, but the truth is I'm neither. I'm ordinary. I'm not pretty or special or good at sports and I'm not even clever, I just work very hard. Nic and I should never have been friends. What I did was very wrong, I know. But do you remember what Michael said about that other force around or outside of him? I swear it was like that. I did what I did because there was no other way.

And now it's my turn to say goodbye and the funny thing is, I've never felt more alive. I'm excited and I'm scared, but I'm also very calm. So calm, in fact, I went and made my peace with Vicky. I knew it wasn't right to leave things as they were – with her feeling guilty for what happened to Nic. I wanted to bury the hatchet (and no, not in her head).

She got back from hospital after lunch and I went round the minute I heard. I must say the Senners' house was looking very Jingle Bells. For a second I wanted to stay another day. They've got a huge Christmas tree propped up with presents and spray-on snow around every window. Vicky was sitting on the sofa, wrapped up in her duvet and looking so snug, and Mrs Senner plied me with sugary tea and excellent shop-bought mince pies. Then Dr S. appeared and was freakishly nice to me. He went on about starting a youth club and ‘making-sure-Young-People-know-they-matter'. He sat next to Vicky and gave her a cuddle and said he was counting his blessings. I tell you, it was cheesier than quiche.

I had to wait for ages before Vicky and I were alone, then I asked if she was really all right. She fingered the poppers on her Garfield duvet.

‘It's all my fault.'

I told her that was rubbish and a watched a big tear plop onto Garfield's droopy eyelid.

‘It
is
. Michael Priaulx said so. He gave me such a hard time, Cat. He said I was to blame for what happened to Nic, he said I should be dead instead of her.'