—Jesus Christ, Homer. Jesus Christ. Lilith clutch herself.
—No, you just tell him to go frig him own backra ass.
—You cussing again.
—All them leave me was me mouth. And me become a good-behaving nigger. The best. Me so best that near everybody done forget what happen to me, except the white people. But that fine. That sweet and dandy. Me been friggin’ up the mistress mind with me tea for years now. She soon mad as raas. And this one. She think this tea goin’ cool her nerves but it goin’ do more than that.
Lilith shock again and look at Homer for a long time. She look again at the hair and the dress and wonder how it take her so long to see that is woman she looking at. Lilith say, Homer.
—Homer?
—Huh?
—Me have me ways too.
—Really, now.
Homer get up and have her arms akimbo. She straighten herself and wait for the old Homer to come back.—What ways?
Lilith take the pot with Homer tea boiling off the stove.
—This kinda ways, Lilith say and hike up her skirt. She crouch good over the pot but high up that she don’t burn herself and piss. Homer laugh. When Lilith done, she put the pot back on the stove. Homer spit into it.
—Sometime, when the recipe call for molasses, me slip some dog shit in it too, Lilith say.
—Cow shit! Cow shit for me, Homer say.
—White man be one strong bastard with all the shit he eat, Lilith say and they laugh again.
—You different, Lilith. You have more darkness ’bout you now. You turning into woman, Homer say to her.
—Me turning into something, Lilith say.
18
EVERY NEGRO WALK IN A CIRCLE. TAKE THAT AND MAKE OF IT what you will. But sometimes that circle start squeeze in on itself and get smaller and smaller and smaller like a mark, or a head. A head so small that the negro have one chance to stomp it with her foot and stomp it good. Lilith know. She learn and she learn it good. Plenty things be a sin, but every sin come with temptation and chance.
One night Lilith on the kitchen floor trying to sleep. Her mat softer now that she get Dulcimena sheets to pile on top of hers. Lilith thinking ’bout how no matter how much people come in and out of her life, she be alone. Sometimes Lilith like lonesomeness, sometime she hate it like poison. Lilith lie down on the sheets and stare in the dark and the moonlight that come through the window. One spot of silver that surrounded by darkness. The house quiet but she wait and listen to the silence for a good while. The only thing making noise is cricket. Lilith feel something coming on her, that feeling of the devil. She reach for
Joseph Andrews
at the bottom of the cupboard in the darkest corner of the kitchen but didn’t open it. Joseph want her to be a woman of the sort that she don’t want to be, she sure of that now. Or she think she sure. She don’t know and don’t like how this man who don’t want to use him cocky as befits a man should make her think deep into herself. Lilith breathe in the night for she know what coming. But then she open her eyes and sigh. She get up and look in the direction of where the moon coming through the window. She know the night woman be there, standing and looking at her.
The black woman dressed in black dress like she coming from God funeral. Lilith still. Is long time since she see her, and not at Coulibre. For a while she still hold that it was one of her five sister. Pallas, Iphigenia, Callisto, Gorgon, Andromeda—no, she wasn’t one . . . Hippolyta.
—Callisto? Lilith say. The woman say nothing. Lilith feeling cold. Then the woman raise her right hand with one finger point up. She point the finger at her own heart and tap seven time. Lilith look at her own chest where she think the heart be. She look up again, but the woman gone.
One time when Lilith was a little girl Circe tell her about the Abarra. Plenty people claim they see one. Abarra is a tricky spirit. Something white man would call demon. When the Abarra come after you, she take the form of somebody you know but she can’t talk since the Abarra got no tongue. Lilith wondering if she seeing the same spirit but she don’t look like nobody she know. She wonder if is somebody she supposed to know. Or somebody who know her. Lilith thinking she can’t sleep in the kitchen but if the mistress ever call her and she not present, she goin’ get a whipping for sure. Even Abarra can’t whip nobody. Lilith lie down trembling. A roach run across the floor and she jump. Lilith pull up her knee and curl like baby until she go to sleep.
Miss Isobel step over Lilith and wake her up by slapping her forehead with a horsewhip.
—Is six o’ clock, you indolent bitch, Miss Isobel say. Lucky for you, my horse is the only animal getting thrashed today. I shall be back by the afternoon. Tell that to my stepmother when she asks.
—Yes, Miss Isobel. Me commencing breakfast right now, missis, Lilith say, but Miss Isobel gone through the door already. A horse whinny and then gallop off. Lilith rub her eye and get up. She make one step and feel
Joseph Andrews
under her foot. Lilith shudder. Surely if Miss Isobel did see the book Lilith would be halfway up a tree to be whipped right now. Lilith grab the book and hide it in the cupboard. Joseph want her to look at him, to laugh like a white woman who have the right to.
But she not a white woman. She not Lady Booby or even Betty, the servant. This not England. And there be no man in the colony like Joseph Andrews or him very dear friend Mr. Abraham Adams. And even if there be white mens of such quality, they only be so for white people. There be no love for the nigger. Lilith cup some water and splash on her face. The coldness wake her up. She check the stove if any piece of wood left to start a new fire. As soon as the fire catch she would go outside and commence milking the milk cows and setting loose the fed cows so they can graze. The chickens wake up late. Even the sun haul herself out this morning like she don’t want to come out to work. In two hours the mistress wake up and the pickneys goin’ to start make all sort of noise. Homer did leave some comfrey tea leaf with her the other day and these days is only a drink of it that prevent her from losing herself. But she still seeing blood. And the more they whip her, or she see somebody getting whip, the more blood she seeing. And Joseph not making her laugh no more. Lilith search her mind for something in the book, something to make the day light. But
Joseph Andrews
lying to her, making her wish for a place and time that never goin’ come. No Mr. Adams waiting for a nigger. Nothing in this book a nigger can use. Lilith spend so much time looking for light under a man heel that she shock when a woman speak to her. A woman in the book by the name of Tow-Wouse. A woman with
that Piece of Flint which that good Woman wore in her Bosom by way of heart
. She set three pot of water on the stove to boil.
Time for the massa bath. He always wake up and bathe early. Earlier than him wife wake up, because, he say, he have to leave for court in Kingston. After the water done boil Lilith take some to the bathroom and pour into the tub while she wait for the massa. The massa come in and pull off him nightshirt. Without the wig, him head near bald like a newborn young’un. Lilith watch. She watch him pregnant-lookin’ belly that flap down and him shoulder that cover in little spots. She watch him penis and balls jiggle into each other. Is a good two week since he have reason to whip her.
—Confound it, woman, how many times must I ask if the water’s warm enough? he say.
—Yes, massa, it warm enough, sah, Lilith say.
—I don’t recollect you testing it, Massa Roget say.
—Yes, massa, I does that now, sah, Lilith say.
Lilith dip her hand in the big white tub but the massa climb in the same time and splash the front of her dress. Lilith get up and go for a bucket of warm water. She pour over the massa head slow and listen to him moan. She look at how the water part the little bit of hair left and show a white point in him head. He lean forward and Lilith take the cotton cloth and scrub him back. This be the only time when Lilith not thinking of man to be a devil, this time when she not seeing him face and he cooing like baby. Massa Roget grab Lilith by the dress and pull her round to face him. He smiling already and suddenly she wonder ’bout Robert Quinn. Long time since that face come up in her mind and she surprised that she wondering ’bout him. Lilith pull out of her thinking just in time to dodge a slap. Massa Roget close him eye and lean back so that him cocky rise out of the water. Sometimes him hard, sometimes him soft, sometimes him hard again, but all the time him blame Lilith.—Stupid black goat, you’re not shucking corn, he say. Lilith thinking about what she can cook in the little time she goin’ have left after this. She yanking him slow. Massa Roget breathing heavy. Him face wet. Lilith don’t know if is water or sweat.
—For heaven’s sake, my wife wakes with the roosters, him say.
—Then shuck you own cock, Lilith say almost like whisper, so quiet that only when she look up she see that the massa hear.
Both she and Massa Roget eye open wide. Before she could jump away he grab her hand and squeeze, the fingernail digging into her skin. Lilith struggle ’gainst the man. He call her an impudent, treacherous slut. Inside her, a Lilith shouting that she must stop stop stop the uppityness and take what white man giving her. This Lilith pointing to the reward for uppityness and she see her body swinging from a noose. Then burn by fire. Then shove in river and drown. The water splashing. She pulling away, he holding firm. The inside Lilith take over her skin and she twitch and shake as the white flesh overcome her. Everything inside tell her to just lie down, lie down right now on the floor and mayhaps the cowhide won’t be so hot this time. Mayhaps the kick to head will hurt for two day instead of three. Mayhaps if she beg like a girl and not like a woman, if she whimper and cry, massa take pity ’pon fool-fool Lilith, he would only slap her across the face with him ring and by next day she good as forget. Lilith look at him, smiling as he squeeze her arm skin off and she kill that woman inside her. Then she spit in him face. The massa let go one hand and punch her right in the cheek. At that second she feel two other white man punch her in the face, one with red hair, one with sour yellow. Lilith claw Massa Roget cheek and skin come off. He yell and grab her hair and yank her to the tub. She grabbing for anything her hand can reach, slippers, shoes, the pail, loose brick. He raise himself to stand up but freeze. Lilith struggling to get away and slip out of him hand sudden. Massa Roget eyes fly up in him head. Him whole body start to quiver and he grab him left hand with the right. He losing breath.—H-h-h . . . elp, hhhhh, he say. Massa Roget legs buckle and he fall back in the tub, clapping him head hard on the rim. He sink below the water. Massa try to push himself back up and slip and go under again. He coughing now.—H-h-help, he whimper. Lilith step slow to the tub like she ’fraid. Massa push himself out of the water, coughing and still shaking. Lilith reach out to him chest. Massa eyes red and Lilith never see a white man looking so frighten. She put both hands on him chest, feeling the hair between her fingers, and shove him back down in the water. Massa Roget fight, but she pin him harder. She on her feet now, using all her weight to pin him down. Massa Roget not weaker but him jerkin’ and the water making him slippery. Lilith looking at him eye that wide open and red and frighten like a pickney. Like a nigger. He grab after her hand and miss and grab one of her breast. Lilith yell. He push himself up above the water again. Lilith don’t know if him eye red from water or tears. He groan like he about to say something, but jerk again. She try to push him under, feeling the darkness growing under her skin. Massa Roget trying to get up but him chest exploding on him. Lilith pull away and thump him in the chest. Then she thump him again. And again. And again. And three more time. Seven, the number that a woman tap in the dark. Massa Roget croak and slump down in the tub. Lilith pin him down again, shoving him under until she feel a bone crack and one last bubble leave him nose. Massa Roget still. The tub water settle and she look at him, looking at her with black man fear on him face. Lilith feel a new thing under skin, something that tingle as her heart jump up and down. It never beat so fast and so loud. True darkness and true womanness that make man scream. Then she hear a scream for real. At the door be the mistress. She go to scream again but a cough come out. She run from the door.
Lilith not thinking, Lilith not frighten, the only sound she hear is her heart beating like a drum in her ears.
Boom. Boom. Boom
. She hearing the drum beat. Seven drumbeat. Seven tap of finger from the Abarra woman. True darkness and true womanness that make man scream. Now she know what the woman in the dark want.
Blood.
The woman want blood.
Lilith run after her. Mistress Roget screaming and bawling, Lilith almost catch her. Blood pumping hot through Lilith and her temples pound like they goin’ burst. Lilith catch up to Mistress Roget by the stair balcony and push her hard. Matraca coming up the stairs and scream. Two scream, but Mistress Roget’s scream get cut when she burst over the wood balcony and fall to the marble floor and crunch her neck. Blood spread from under her back like two red wing.
Lilith turn to the pickney room.—Lawd, sweet Jesus father deliver me, not the pickneys! Not the pickneys, Matraca say. Lawd have mercy! Lawd have mercy! Matraca run past Lilith and beat her to the pickney door. Lilith hear a door click. Lilith cuss, but then remember Miss Isobel. Her heart pumping so hard that she feel it goin’ burst out of her bosom. Lilith done think. Lilith be the beast that backra saying she be from she born. They bound to kill her now. Miss Isobel soon come back to see her family dead and they goin’ roast Lilith slow over the fire. Two dead body—white body—make Lilith blacker than ever and more frighten. She want to live and she want to die and she shock when Robert Quinn appear in her head again. Lilith start to cry and whimper like a dog. She start to rock like when Tantalus’ head fly up inside him. When Miss Isobel come back, they goin’ roast her slow over a fire so that she scream for one week straight. They going stick hot coal up her pussy so that she can smell her own burnin’ flesh. They goin’ whip her until her fingers pop off. True darkness and true womanness make her want to live, make her think that goddamn, this nigger goin’ live longer than what white man say. Than what God say. Lilith let the spirit take her back into the kitchen. She have to hide and the only thing she can think of hiding in is fire. She don’t think. She chanting in her head. Lilith grab some stick from the kitchen stove. She look out the window and then go back upstairs. In the mistress’ room, be plenty curtain, drape, bedsheet, carpet and paper. Lilith touch each with the stick and fire take birth. First it crackle, then it spread, climbing up one curtain and scooting across to the next, then spreading across rug, then twisting and turning through paper. Soon the fire roar. Lilith hear the roar and understand it.
Opapala in you, the goddess of hunger.
Lilith leave the room. At the doorway she step out and a cloud of smoke follow her like a army of spirits. She go by the pickney room and throw the burnin’ stick by the door.